How to become the person I want to be

no one deserves to go through life alone, not even hitler or osama bin laden lived alone.


Basically it is very easy to become a people person if you simply take interest in them. Learn more about them, about what makes them who they are. THe most flattering thing is when someone takes interest or notices you, i mean i magine if people just came up to you asking all about yourself? How great would that make you feel? Now just reverse it to going up and doing that to other people and how great that makes them feel


You can tell if you are being annoying by getting better at reading body language.

annoyed


- just look at her face, pretty much says it all, and arms are crossed. No smile and not interested in conversing, time to move on

interested

- smiles, eye contact, they are both physically close to each other (in their personal space)

1.) Classes & clubs, then you meet more people through the people you meet.
2.) You get in their face all the time. No, really, it's about consistent contact. Just hang out with someone long enough, don't be too annoying, and it'll sail pretty smoothly.
3.) Yes, it's a matter of practice. I'm still horrid at conversations with some types of people, but here's a good rule of thumb: talk less about yourself (maybe you already have this down? ), ask questions about them. People loooooooooooooove to talk about themselves. Give them an inch, they'll take a mile. Unless you are talking to another introvert like yourself, then it may get awkward. I also highly recommend hanging out with more extroverted/social people. You can leech some of their energy from them (or at least watch how they interact with others). Also they're least likely to make you feel awkward.
4.) Body language, mostly. I still have a habit of talking on and on when people are clearly bored, but again, if you're talking less and they're talking more, they'll leave when they want to. (They'll be in more control of the conversation, and if they need to leave, they will.)

Once again, I will stress that you should hang out with more extroverted people. Put two introverts together, and if they don't know each other well, it can get awkward real fast, in my experience. Not that all introverts are awkward, but if you're already uncomfortable with interacting with people in general, it's not a good place to start, imo.

I also recommend dipping your toes into the couchsurfing community. Hosting people is cool, and you can meet all sorts of new people. Most of them are quite extroverted as well and willing to talk your ear off about their experiences, esp. after just a beer, and since a lot of them are interesting in their own rights, you don't even have to pretend interest (which makes it hard to converse, I think).

If you end up enrolling into university again, take advantage of the initial rush of new-people-on-campus-who-are-all-confused-and-lost-and-lonely-in-a-new-place. i know it may be tiring and all, but that's the time that everyone is so concerned with making friends that they'll latch onto anyone, and you can make a friend or two if you keep relatively consistent contact with them.

One thing that's good to know is that everyone is troubled in some way. You don't live in a world where you have problems and everyone else is a totally complete person. Everyone has weak moments and parts of their life they are sensitive about. You see the most popular person in a party that everyone loves? That person has his/her own problems. You see the millionaires driving fancy cars? Inside, they are worrying about a lot as well. You may have your own problems and be discontent with you life, but so is everyone, and they just don't show it. When you talk with people, don't worry too much about what they think of you. They're someone who wants to be friends with you just as much as you want to be friends with them. Don't worry about other people thinking you are annoying or pathetic. Chances are, they are worried about how you think of them and didn't even notice anything bad about you. So when you talk to people, you don't need to engineer yourself to be someone likeable. People by default are very likeable, and you already seem like a pleasant person to me. Easiest way to get closer to someone is to simply ask them to get a drink or dinner with you after class or work. And also stop worrying so much and overthink everything.

Im curious why you must have friends? I dont have any because they all dropped me or i dropped them for one reason or another. And honestly im the happist ive been ever. I dont think filling your life with people will improve it, much like piling a heap of shit will help. Ive always been of the notion life should be lived with one maybe two special top notch people and to hell with the rest of it. Only person i hang out with now is my wife. That said i guess you gotta shift through the shit to get the diamonds.

It was nice to read this blog entry of yours, I found it honest and endearing - I would like to do something to help but I'm unsure what, especially since I do not have a social circle around me anymore either.

I'm feeling a bit melancholic as I gaze upon teamliquid myself, I was just listening to this and indulging in some self pitty and I feel a bit understood even now.

Thank you for that, If you ever need someone to play starcraftII with, or maybe some osu just send me a pm! =)

look man, you are trying to impress anyone you talk to and people can sense this a mile away. Immediately they sense your insecurity about yourself, and thus will kind of be iffy about connecting with you. The truth is, when you stop trying to impress others, and just express yourself people will see it and respect it, even if they dislike you.

So ask yourself this, how do you act around your close family members, your close friends? In those situations you are not trying to impress anyone, and just being yourself, and this is the personality you have to drive out when talking to others. Don't force things just let it come out however it may. If people don't like you, no big deal, because there will be people that will love you for being genuine. You are sub communicating that you are comfortable with yourself, and that it doesn't matter if other people think your weird or lame and that you will still express yourself. That is powerful stuff.

Also stop reading everything on the internet, about how to be amazing person that everyone likes, that is the kind of bullshit that gets you in trouble. Just do you and don't look back.

edit: also

" they'll realize I don't have any friends or social life and they'll think it's pathetic. I guess there's probably not any solution to that problem other than to simply deal with it and put myself out there anyway."

self deprecating humour is your solution for this. If you can make fun of yourself in a mild and amusing way, that you aren't the best with people, others will understand.

Grab a skill imo, learn an art (dance, music whatever) or a skill ( carpentry, finance, pottery, programming )
Excel at it and people will be drawn to you

Getting along with people is a skill you can learn like anything else and it doesn't just come down to one thing like making fun of yourself or being confident in my experience. I think what really helps is having some things to talk about, just some random interesting topics for when you meet people. Of course that means its gonna be a lot easier to get along with people who you have some common interests with, as you already have some stuff to talk about.
My biggest piece of advice would be just to have one or two beers to get past your nerves and stop worrying about whether someone else likes you. Your gonna have to start of with some sort of small talk anyway might be about sports, internet, whatever. Most times in my experience it doesn't even really matter what you talk about when your meeting people as long as your talking about something (best thing is if its funny or easily agreeable though). You shouldn't expect any deep conversations with people you just met a few times. So you'll eventually get better at that kind of small talk and be more comfortable in those situations, its just hard the first couple of times (hence the alcohol to loosen up and actually talk to someone). You'll eventually get a feel for how open you can be with people you just met and what kind of things are "well received".

-Where do you meet new people?

I'd recommend something that you're interested in maybe some class or course or sports club or anything where you'd meet like minded people, the common interest will give you something to talk about. There you get to meet people on a regular basis so you have some time to get to know them. Or of course university/community college is perfect. I'd highly recommend just going outside with people if thei'r having a smoke even if you don't smoke yourself.


-How do you turn a casual acquaintance (like someone you know from class or work) into a friend?

I'd recommend chatting with people (online/phone) because its a lot easier than actually talking to them and if at some point you know them better just do something with them, video games, sports, drinking, party ect.


-How do I become less dismal at holding conversations with people? Is it just a matter of practice?

Definitely just practice and experience


-How do I know if I'm actually being annoying to someone? I feel like it would be inconsiderate to completely disregard that possibility, but at the same time I feel like it's a poor idea to just stop talking to people altogether.

If you're annoying someone they'll let you know if it bothers them enough and otherwise we all have to put up with people we find annoying and sometimes we like them once we get to know them better.


Hope this isn't to long :D
All just my opinion no scientific evidence behind it
hope this helps.

This blog could have been written by me. Some paragraphs describe perfectly my attitude or perception on my "abilities" to make friends ...
I feel the same every day of my life. I feel socially inept and I really cannot explain why. Most people tell me that I am a quiet introverted person but that I am a "nice" guy. And that I self-criticise myself too much and that I dont have faith in myself. Even though they are telling me this, none of them really invites me in hanging out with them.
Everyday I wake up and realize that I don´t have any friends that would really care if I die tomorrow. Sadly I have already given up on looking for friends and I just accept to live my life alone unless a miracle is happening. It isnt a hard life to just go straight home after work, doing some homework and just get online, read a book, watch a movie, do some fitness and other things you can do alone. Of course it would be much nicer if you had someone with whom you could share activities.

First thing to bear in mind:

There is no entrance exam for posting something on Facebook. Pay its contents no heed.

Second, some context:

I too struggled socially during childhood and through my teenage years. I seldom had more than one friend at a time, and when they moved on (as people do, especially when you don't treat them particularly well) it was emotionally devastating. I was uncomfortable around people I didn't know, and utterly incapable of talking to girls.

Although change has been a gradual process with plenty of backsliding, I can with absolute clarity pinpoint the watershed moment in my life:

At university I'd got myself a massive crush on a girl. Obsessed. She was on the (other) edge of the small circle of friends I'd picked up, and I got myself into a ridiculous state, simultaneously doing everything I could think of to 'accidentally' be in her way and terrified of being caught liking a girl. After all, me liking a girl was ridiculous, even shameful. I knew that from school. If I so much as looked appraisingly at a girl, I'd be publicly derided. So for me, liking girls had become something furtive, dirty. It had to be something private, just between us, if I could just get her to understand...

Long story short, I ended up leaving a note for my parents and sneaking out of the house one Christmas Eve to drive the 400 miles or so to her parents' house. I got there in the early hours, slept in the car with the gift I'd made her, and was woken up by her dad.

Yeah.

Two weeks later I returned to university. I went up to the dorm corridor I'd lived on in my first year to see a friend who had managed to keep the same room as before. He wasn't there, so I walked across to my old room (the door was open) to ask the new occupant when he'd be back. Pretty much everyone on the corridor was in there, all strangers. I introduced myself, got chatting, and noticed the girl who was now living in my room giving me some appraising looks. I'd never actually seen that kind of look directed at me before. I came back a couple of days later and asked her out to the cinema. Her name's Jackie and our daughter's name is Mahale. Jackie's a wedding photographer and I assist her part time, which means every few weeks I get to walk into a house full of complete strangers, put them at ease and make sure they have a great time while taking photos. I get on well with everyone in my day job, I have more female friends than male ones, and I enjoy social events.

The tipping point was that Christmas day, and here's why:

Up to then, I'd been the kind of guy who never admitted his mistakes. It was a character trait that had started small but reinforced itself over time (I rather suspect the spark was being pulled out in front of the class in pre-school and being made to sit there until I could tie my own shoelaces, a humiliation I can still remember 35 years later). The more I hated being wrong, the more I'd feel driven to be right all the time and rub it in everyone's faces. The more I did that, the more those around me delighted when I fucked up, the more angry I'd get and the more I'd try to convince myself I wasn't really wrong, and so on. I became hypersensitive, paranoid about people judging me - and so of course I rushed to judge them, made derogatory jokes. belittled their interests if they differed from mine. I was funny, but not exactly nice.

That Christmas day, I basically blew all the fuses. I fucked up so hugely, so publicly, so irrevocably and so undeniably that I simply couldn't cram it all through the same bullshit filter I'd been using my whole life. I drove home. My mum asked if I was OK, and gave me a hug. Then I went to my room, and I laughed my ass off at myself.

And that turned out to be the key to everything else.

It wasn't an overnight cure. Old habits die hard and respawn, and I had to relearn to laugh at myself many more times since then. But it gets easier. I was able to walk into a room and ask out the girl who was to become my wife, not because I'd gained anything, but because I'd got rid of a totally disproportionate amount of fear and worry.

I'm not giving you advice here, I'm just talking about myself. But I'd be interested to know if you think your fear of being judged by others might stem from the fact that you habitually judge them, subconsciously looking for something you can use to feel superior, in case they're mean to you or make you feel inadequate in some way.

TL;DR: Learn to laugh at yourself. After all, comedy = tragedy + distance, so take a step back and laugh.