EPTI have been trying to do more writing lately in my spare time, and I recently remembered that I had once written a blog on teamliquid. So.....why not write another one now and maybe give a little quasi-update because after all, what's better than hearing a random face on the internet drone on and on about how interesting and delightful their life is!
Looking back on old writing is always hard for me. I always laugh and start talking to myself. Sometimes I cannot even finish reading what I wrote because I get so damn embarrassed. “Damn, you were a fool back then!” I imagine I'll think the same in the future. It's part of the learning process. I have realized that the self is not important. A large amount of anxiety stems from excessive self-awareness. I have been, and still am at times, consumed by my own ego and this image of my identity I've crafted for myself. I noticed in the past year that the times when I was most content and living in the moment, we'll say, was when I had an identity clearly defined for myself.
When I last posted, I was at a significant low point. I was feeling depressed, unsatisfied, lonely, and unsure. Although I feel much better now, those feelings have not departed entirely. Part of my process for challenging myself to improve included a decision to study abroad for a summer. It was one of the best decisions of my life, and I had so much fun that I chose to do it again for a quarter in my senior year. I found that the identity of a traveler and a foreigner was incredibly easy to slip into. In Davis, CA I was “-yorick-: nondescript liberal arts major #2550,” but in London I was “LG-IMYoricK,” the charming foreigner who came in and slayed some hearts while reviewing art museums as a “job.” Really, if you have the chance to study abroad I highly recommend it. I was the brokest guy ever and I found a way to get the funds to get over there. I mean, our government and student debt situation is such shit that you might as well contribute to our economic collapse while you still can.
So anyway, its the end of senior year, and I'm killing it again for ten weeks, and then *poof*, the bubble pops. Back to the real world and graduation and
“SO UM, LIKE WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW LOL WITH THAT ENGLISH DEGREE?”
“Well, I'm not entirely sure... I actually majored in film studies too, and I'm really interested in film and the storytelling process...(at this point just give up and tell 'em you are thinking of going to law school, that will get them off your back and impress them)”
“WELL, STILL, HAHA YOU ARE PROBABLY GONNA WORK AT TARGET!! BUT, NO MAN, YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT. BUT, REALLY, ENGLISH DOE?”
So now, I've drifted back into familiar habits. Now, maybe I'm too content, too comfortable. Improving my self-confidence was the first step. I started eating more. At first it was so damn hard. It really was. My body just was not used to eating large amounts of food, and I recall having to force myself to eat food when I was so full I wanted to puke. Eventually though, you get used to it and now I feel like Brad Pitt in the Ocean's films. I'm always eating, always consuming. Its like I can't even sit and enjoy life without stuffing my face with some more scrumptious sensations. I even started going to the gym and got somewhat toned, although I eventually gave up when I realized that I didn't care about getting yoked, I just didn't wanna look like a twig anymore. Its been about a year and a half since the last post and I think I've gained about 35 lbs. since then. I started dressing better, got rid of the terrible k-pop bowl cut I had (hey, turns out it doesn't look good as good on you as it does on that kpop idol), and started talking to girls again. THE GREAT DROUGHT OF 2012 ENDED. I even quit weed for awhile, huzzah! Our protagonist has achieved his goals and is living a more confident and satisfying life!
Well, what do I have to complain about really. I graduated, managed to get a low-pressure office job, and can now look forward to the beginning of the “twenty-something” life as depicted in shows like Friends. In fact, the first couple months post graduation I felt a high that lasted through the summer. The realm of infinite possibilities that was open to me now that I was free of any institutions had me thinking that life was wonderful and each day was a chance for new adventures. However, now four months later working the 9 to 5, I feel exhausted. Now that realm of possibilities brings back familiar feelings like anxiety, doubt, and uncertainty. I feel lethargic and disconnected. Nothing feels genuine anymore; its almost as if I'm playing an MMO and just showing up and going through the motions so I don't feel like I'm wasting the subscription fee. And the worst part is, I am content.
I feel that I want to move forward, but I've lost the keys. I've started smoking weed more again and am content to remain inside and marathon Breaking Bad instead of go out for drinks. Girls don't interest me anymore, and the ones that do I psyche myself out of having any meaningful interaction with still anyway. All that confidence from earlier that I thought I gained was just a front. Now I've realized what it means to fake it. I've settled for a soulless office job that in twenty years will probably be conducted by a computer. And worst of all, I'm still stuck in the grips of an institution; except now, along with no freedom, I'm also learning absolutely nothing and instead filling my brain with rote tasks and pointless busywork designed to keep you occupied so you don't think about how shitty it is that you have to sit at your desk doing pretty much the same unstimulating task for 40 hours a week.
*RIIIIING* Sit in traffic. Guy flips you off because you went and made him wait 2 extra seconds as you drove across the crosswalk even though you both got there at the same time and if you think about it really makes more sense for you to go first because its gonna take him a solid 15 seconds to walk across the street. *PUNCH IN* Sit at your desk. Mindless chit chat. Hey I'm doing great how are you? Wait why do I have to be in this meeting I don't even know what we're discussing. Team building, huh what's your name? *PUNCH OUT* Oh hey lots of traffic now. Is this it? Ah damn, looks like my muffler fell off, that's gonna take a bit outta the paycheck. Wait, is this money even mine it just goes to goddam bills anyway! Zzzzzzzzzzz work in 12 hours nonononononono. *RIIIIIIING* Ah who the hell ate all my Reese's Puffs god damnit...lotta traffic today god I'm so tired I hope there's coffee.
Look, don't get me wrong, office life isn't so bad. Steady paycheck and people to talk to. Sometimes I feel less compelled to socialize since I'm like “Damn, I already talk to people all day at work.” One of my coworkers is even a huge StarCraft nerd too! But anyways, time to get to the point of this blog, what it should all be thematically leading up to...
WHAT, in, the HELL am, I, supposed to do now? Clearly, I desire more. Otherwise, why even bother? Just so I can keep grinding away and hopefully work long enough for a company that I'm deemed able to do these tasks and consequently get a higher salary so I can get a mortgage for a house I think I own but I really don't and hopefully I can pay it off before I die or lose it to the bank and maybe I can even save up for the new iphone 6s G with 4.0 total wifi coverage and I can even use phone when I'm at chilis.
No. I'll try something else. I see it this way: there's two types of people in this world. There are the consumers, and there are the creators. I'm a consumer like 99% of the population. I sit there and just inhale all this stimuli, all the TV and the music and the food and the Starcraft and the instagram photos. And hey, there is NOTHING wrong with being a consumer. You wont know how to create well if you don't consume the best. The problem is instead of consuming for inspiration, I just consume more and more and more until I'm just a collection of others and my reflections on their work. I'm tired of all this, my belly is starting to grow and I need to do more. I want to be a creator.
So now I'm thinking and growing more frustrated with each day of inactivity. Sometimes I think I'm just behind the curve. When you abandon all interests to play WoW all day from high school to sophomore year of college, you lose out on a lot of formative years where you should be finding things that stimulate you. Luckily, I eventually found my way to SC2 and rediscovered my interest in competition. Maybe now that we can't legitimately become warlords, being an SC2 pro is the next best thing. All the glory and none of the danger. However, I see that I can't really go anywhere with the game. If I had any natural talent in me I'd probably know by now and not be stuck in diamond losing to speedling all-ins. And I'm too emotional for this game and lacking the proper mindset.
But its good that I found SC2. It just consumes too much of my time at this point though. All the time I spend watching streams and tournaments, hell, I think I watch and read about SC more than I actually play now. Luckily though, I've found that I have some other interests as well. You know, all your generic liberal arts endeavors. I like to write, fiction especially, and I've developed an interest and appreciation for stand-up (although of course not the courage to get up and do it). I've even begun getting into the creative side of music again. I grew up playing music and all sorts of instruments, but abandoned it all after high school to do nothing. And I have regretted it since then.
But what does any of this matter if I'm not proficient in any one passion I pursue. There is an idealized version of man I think I once aspired to and still do in some delusional way. I am speaking of the mythical Renaissance man. Da Vinci might be the most famous example as he was an artist, inventor, engineer, and so much more all rolled into one. Just a complete and total badass that man was. Yet nowadays, our world seems so competitive that you really cannot be particularly excellent at multiple pursuits. Ok, of course there are some exceptions to the norm, but most everyone specializes in one activity. You are a musician, or an actor, a doctor, or a lawyer, or a construction engineer. Even the most mundane of jobs require you to dedicate your life to them. For example, I know a man, someone who is incredibly hard-working and probably the man I respect the most in my own life. And he's a home inspector. Its not the most glorious job, but he does quite well. But there is SOOOOO much work that goes into it. How can you be successful at any one thing without it affecting your ability to hone your expertise in another skill? Everything just becomes a hobby.
So now I sit here, ready to end this long rambling rant with the same question I posed in the title. What do I do? Maybe I'm just afraid. I still cannot break free of my ego and truly plunge myself into any one task with the necessity it requires to achieve anything of note. Because then I wont be “-yorick-: confused twenty-something who swears he's gonna figure it out soon, just give him more time,” but instead I'll be “-yorick-: failed writer” or “-yorick-: the guy who bombs at open mic night and never returns.” But hey, I gotta do something. Can't let the ol' gravestone say:
“HERE LIES -YORICK-
ASSISTANT REPORT EDITOR
1991-2067”
Hey, there goes the old ego again. I suppose it doesn't really matter what it says. I hope there are others who are feeling this way. Seems like everyone's got it figured out. People are moving off to other cities and countries and taking huge risks while I'm just stagnating. But you can't hold onto this mindset forever, and especially can't compare yourself to others. Reframe it. I'm...hibernating we'll say. Gotta remember.
No expectations.
