EPT
Shaking Hands
As a younger man, I moved around between games like BW and CS, never settling down anywhere and getting seriously good. I never was serious until a few years ago, when I spent a few years playing Starcraft 2 somewhat competitively. I was in Master League, I watched GSL, I tested out new strategies, I even found meaning on the ladder. Starcraft 2 was a game I could really sink my teeth into. I enjoyed the 1v1 nature of the game, the competitive thrill of battling an opponent without any teammates or randomness to mask the truth of who is better. Along the way I developed a philosophy of starcraft, and maybe gaming in general. I don't know if I was right or I was wrong-- but I was having fun. It was a good time, perhaps the best of times for me, gaming wise.
Eventually, though, I became busy, the game changed, and HotS came out despite what I thought were fatal flaws. Although I bought HotS, I never got seriously involved in it, and didn't even finish the campaign. In a way, the Sc2 chapter of my life had come to a close. I got a Dota 2 beta key, played more Mafia on TL, and got more involved in my Dungeon Crawl: Stone Soup playing. I might almost be forgiven for switching to such games. DCSS is best in slot for roguelikes, Mafia is a fun battle of wits on a different dimension than Sc2, and even Dota 2 is considered a highly competitive esport, in its own way perhaps a better successor to the term than Sc2 could be. I even wrote more about my philosophy of gaming.
Things might have gone on like this for some time-- I might have lived in blissful ignorance-- had I not, on a whim, patched my Sc2 and played a ladder game. In a way, part of why I had stopped playing Sc2 and hadn't played in a while was that, now that I'm worse than I used to be, it would be embarrassing to play at my MMR and be up against dudes who would stomp me. Now, a year later and in a new game, this is no longer the case. I have no more rank to live up to. I'm free to win or lose as I want. I play a game, and it was tough.
I hit Find Match, hear the stock noise of fwooshing air, and realize I've forgotten what it means to be an Sc2 player. My opponent (in Plat League, I find out later) is Protoss. When I scout him, I'm sure what I am looking for. I see two gases, most of his chronoboost spent, and no expansion. Although I am rusty as heck, a small part of me, an old and out-of-practice corner of my brain, knows: He is spending his chrono on probes because he's doing a tech strat that doesn't need it. He's making DTs. Make a turret, you fool! I make one. And when his DTs come, although my turret is shittily placed, I lose mining time, not scvs. The feeling of having read an opponent and out-playing him is exhilarating. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I don't see the room I'm in any more-- I can only see the screen. There is nothing left but me and the game. I can do this. I can win. When my banshees fly into his base, I am surprised to find a fleet of void rays just sort of hanging out. He types into all chat, like the punk he is, "wrong decision" as I retreat my units. As he advances his slow-moving air army across the map, I know I don't have much time to prepare a defense.
The battle is long and hard, and in time I turn the tides on on him. I build anti-air units, out-expand him, and eventually push him back down onto 2 bases. It's slow, it's brutal, and in the final battle his high-tech units are no match for my multiple waves of reinforcements. I open up chat to type "right decision" but he silently leaves the game before I can send the message.
I take off my headset and click the Score Screen button. I can still feel my heart pounding, there's still adrenaline in my bloodstream. I look down at my hands. They're shaking. Not with fear, but excitement. Euphoria. I win.
I can't go back to playing lots of Dota any more. It feels so empty, so meaningless now. Like a facsimile of a game, a simulation of the real thing. In Sc2 it's just you and the other guy, and one of you as to be better, faster, smarter, and that's the only thing that matters. It's just you, him, and your respective skills. In Dota 2 whether you win or you lose is only in part your fault. I've played like shit and won, and played well and lost. It never feels GREAT to win, just OK. No matter how big your plays are, they don't set the heart racing, don't dry out your mouth like a real sc2 play can. I'll never be inspired to play better by a Dota 2 loss-- motivated, sure. Intellectually aware, sure. But inspiration will never come to me. I'll never feel my heart pumping a million miles an hour in my chest. I'll never finish a game and find my hands shaking.
I've tasted Sc2 again. I've finished a game with hands shaking, and I know I'll never get that from Dota. Maybe that's okay. I'm not sure I want to go back to Sc2-- but I won't forget what it feels like, this time.
I get the same way after a big win in SC2. 
