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Hey guys, need some college advice, nothing crazy here haha.
College Roommates
Recently, actually just yesterday, I introduced myself to my college roommate. I'm a lucky guy, he is chill, he thinks highly of me because of some contacts I made being social at Model UN back in my highschool days - sidenote, never underestimate having girls as friends, they are fucking useful, I ended up knowing a girl who was friends with a girl who is this guy's girlfriend, which gave me an insta-in with my now-college roommate - and, most interestingly, he and I are in the same living-learning community. All of this is fine, in fact at first glance it seems damn near optimal.
The issues I'm worried about come up when it comes to ground rules, sexiling, and getting along with him long term. I'm not an overly overt guy, I'm more than subdued or reserved when it comes to passing judgement or asking other people to quit behaviors, I'm about silent; I know it's a negative, I know it's the equivalent of caretaking another person, not a good trait to have. I get all that. Despite being a social guy, I don't do well when it comes to negative vibes. If I was to get on my roomie's bad side, or him on mine, I don't think I'd thrive in that situation; I'm not experienced when it comes to being disliked by someone I room with. I'm not expecting this to happen, but it is something gnawing at my fears.
When it comes to sexiling, I don't want to do it, but I know it will happen. It has to, it's something that is just going to happen, and I don't know if he'll be doing it back to me. He has a girlfriend, the Model UN girl I mentioned before (I have no idea if they are official, but I'm pretty sure if they aren't, they are fuck-buddies or something similar). I also have a girlfriend, one that I will be having sex with in college who lives in town and will be with me more than once a week on weekends. What I'm afraid of is me basically kicking him out of the room with him disliking it, sexiling him; by the same token, I'm not letting the dude cock-block me. While I hope he'll be chill about it, say to me, "Hey, I gotta go study in the library for a couple hours, don't get her preggers," or something that is a tacit, "I'm getting our of your way while you do the dirty," I don't know if he will. On the other hand, I'm perfectly fine with him kicking me out of the room if he wants to get it on; so long as I don't absolutely need my dorm, I can make it work elsewhere.
Ground rules are the bit I'm least worried about. I talked to a friend of mine yesterday, his advice to me was 3 rules: Take showers daily, and have a group room-cleaning at the end of every month; Stay on good terms (from the way he said this, I'm guessing it means even if I don't interact with him much, do whatever it takes to make sure the room situation is amicable); Don't touch each other's stuff. I'm guessing this part will go swimmingly, and if not, I'm totally boned. I can't request a new roommate because of the living-learning community I'm in, so if this part doesn't fly, fuck me sideways. This part will either work totally, or not at all.
I want to have a great time with this dude as my roommate. At the same time I can't tell if being distant from him if need be is even an option considering that I'll be in class with him for half the day on Monday, Wednesday and Friday since he and I are in the same living-learning community. I'm basically stumped on how to make the situation livable if things go wrong. Right now they are looking up, and I don't think too many issues will pop up, but still, I'm stumped if they do.
  
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Honestly, have a sit down with the guy and discuss the ground rules including all the subtle things (like maybe having a code for "I need you to bounce so I can work a girl") etc.
Also, try to find some common ground/activities. I wouldn't necessarily expect to become best friends but if you guys have something to do together now and then it could really help out your year (or longer).
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On July 28 2013 03:49 docvoc wrote:
Recently, actually just yesterday, I introduced myself to my college roommate. I'm a lucky guy, he is chill, he thinks highly of me because of some contacts I made being social at Model UN back in my highschool days - sidenote, never underestimate having girls as friends, they are fucking useful, I ended up knowing a girl who was friends with a girl who is this guy's girlfriend, which gave me an insta-in with my now-college roommate - and, most interestingly, he and I are in the same living-learning community. All of this is fine, in fact at first glance it seems damn near optimal.
So much easier talking to a girl.
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On July 28 2013 04:07 DusTerr wrote:
Honestly, have a sit down with the guy and discuss the ground rules including all the subtle things (like maybe having a code for "I need you to bounce so I can work a girl") etc.
Also, try to find some common ground/activities. I wouldn't necessarily expect to become best friends but if you guys have something to do together now and then it could really help out your year (or longer).
Definitely a good point. I think I'm just freaking out because it's a new situation. Having a sit-down with the guy on move-in day after the parents have left is a good idea.
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just be honest, if you are going to fuck, say we are gonna fuck and I need the room (in far enough advance of notice)
communication is key, always be ready to negotiate to accomodate his needs as well as yours
dont get on your roomies bad side. theres just no point and its a lose/lose
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On July 28 2013 03:49 docvoc wrote:
When it comes to sexiling, I don't want to do it, but I know it will happen. It has to, it's something that is just going to happen
I thought you said sexting.
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This is a different side of you docvoc
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Blazinghand
United States25561 Posts
So yeah i mean once a month room cleaning is fine but basically it comes down to just sitting down with the guy and talking through things with him. It's possible he has similar concerns and is looking to talk to you about it but hasn't gotten around to it. Every roommate I've had, I've always talked with and laid these things out beforehand. Many people say it's a good idea to sign a "roommate contract" which maybe is a bit too far in that direction but the idea makes sense.
A good strat for cleaning is to basically together do scrubbing-type cleaning once a month-- vacuuming the carpet, mopping the tiles, windexing the windows, and so on. Another good strat is every time you leave the room, you take the trash out (if you have a trash bin) or take something out with you if you like leaving your trash on your desk. The BEST strat is that "clutter is okay, dirty is should be cleaned right away" where like if someone has a stack of papers on their desk or something, sure that's fine, but if it interferes into common space on the floor it should be cleaned, and if it's organic (food, drink, etc) it needs to be disposed outside the room.
Really though you just gotta say to the guy something like "I was hoping for X Y and Z regarding how often sexiling will happen etc, and how we could communicate about it. What are you hoping for?" and find a good middle ground. You've got to live with the guy, and not-talking can't help.
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My first-year in college I was in a double that was basically two conjoined singles, one of which was an inner room (door to the outer room) and an outer room (door to the hallway). If you lived in the inner room, you had to walk through the outer room to get to the hallway.
I had the inner room. I cannot count the number of times I was trapped in my room blasting music on my headphones while my roommate had sex in the other room. Not to mention the one time I left to take a shower and then come back and had to stand outside in the hallway waiting for them to put their clothes back on before I could get back into my room. Also all the times I walked in on them. Sucks, man. And I wasn't even in a proper "double."
Lesson: Talk about it very frankly before anything happens & get a single ASAP.
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On July 28 2013 07:01 babylon wrote:
My first-year in college I was in a double that was basically two conjoined singles, one of which was an inner room (door to the outer room) and an outer room (door to the hallway). If you lived in the inner room, you had to walk through the outer room to get to the hallway.
I had the inner room. I cannot count the number of times I was trapped in my room blasting music on my headphones while my roommate had sex in the other room. Not to mention the one time I left to take a shower and then come back and had to stand outside in the hallway waiting for them to put their clothes back on before I could get back into my room. Also all the times I walked in on them. Sucks, man. And I wasn't even in a proper "double."
Lesson: Talk about it very frankly before anything happens & get a single ASAP.
We are in one room if that is what you mean by single, but there are no solitary quarters on the campus, I'd need to rent an apartment if that is what you mean. Your lesson is what I'll do though, I'm gonna assume he's going to be reasonable about this.
On July 28 2013 05:29 Roe wrote:
This is a different side of you docvoc
How so Roe?
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Just tell him your gf will be showing up on x-days and let him know ahead of time you're going to want some alone time. I can't really see it being an issue as long as you communicate and you both have advance warning (it's not cool being kicked out of your room at a moment's notice when you're in the middle of something). There's no need to keep this a secret so just get it out of the way.
Other than that, just don't touch each other's stuff without permission and figure out the cleaning situation right away- trust me, it'll be way more awkward later on when you know each other better and have to ask (tell) him to do clean up his shit if it comes to that.
No need to force a friendship out of it- chances are you'll be eating together a lot and probably hanging out in much of your free time (weekends) so it'll just kinda happen within the first week most likely. Basically just don't do anything that may bother him (loud music, staying up when he's trying to sleep, stay tidy, etc) and ask the same of him and you'll get along fine.
More importantly, meet everyone that lives around you asap and thank me later.
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treat it like you would like a relationship with your girl: communication is the golden rule. he's certainly thinking about all the stuff you mentioned here. just sit down and bs about ground rules, whatever it is you agree on. sock on the door so you know when he's got someone over, a code word to skiddattle out of there when he's got someone there, etc etc. probably the bigggest help is just knowing each other's schedules and trying to get it in then rather than sexiling someone. obviously there will be times when you can't help it, but golden rule two is, when the time comes that he does it to you, just remember you're gonna want him to be respecting of your wishes when it is your turn. just give him the decency of a heads up text
and just remember, be an adult and bring it up when youve got an issue. dont be all passive aggressive and not say anything until you're pissed.
it really isnt too hard, you just got to be an adult and people tend to respect you so long as you respect them. then again, i remember college gfs and friends who were total fucking idiots i nthis regard. but he at least sounds cool.
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EPT
