EPTEXT. FRONT PORCH OF A HOUSE - DAY
BIBBIT knocks on the door of a house, carrying a clipboard and wearing a suit. A woman named MARY, about 40, answers.
BIBBIT: Hello ma’am, my name is Bibbit and I’m here with the World Wildlife Fund. Do you have a moment?
MARY: No. I’m really not interested.
BIBBIT: How about you give me 15 seconds? If you still don’t care I’ll be out of your hair.
MARY: Make it 10.
BIBBIT: Okay so - As we speak, panda bears are being hunted to extinction in Africa, where their tusks are considered a delicacy.
MARY: I’m impressed -
BIBBIT: Thanks! So I have your attention?
MARY: I’m impressed how many times you managed to be wrong in 10 seconds. I mean, there must be hidden cameras here somewhere right?
BIBBIT: I don’t follow.
MARY: There’s no pandas in Africa. Also they don’t have tusks, and tusks aren’t food.
BIBBIT: With all due respect ma’am, I’m the WWF rep here. I think I’d know these things. In fact I can prove pandas have tusks right now, as our logo is a photo of a panda.
BIBBIT shows MARY the logo.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/jb9Ft7x.png)
MARY: That’s a drawing. And those are arms.
BIBBIT: Now who’s being stupid? Everyone knows bears don’t have arms.
MARY closes the door on BIBBIT.
BIBBIT: Looks like I’m going to need a new strategy.
MARY opens the door.
MARY: If you insist on harassing my neighbours as well, don’t talk to yourself on their front step. It’s very off-putting.
MARY closes the door again and it’s heard locking. BIBBIT runs to the next house and frantically bangs on the door.
BIBBIT (screaming): Help! Please! For the love of God, they’re going to kill me!
A large man of about 30, FRANK, opens the door and pulls BIBBIT in.
INT. FRONT LOBBY OF A HOUSE
BIBBIT: See, I was able to call for help - A luxury not afforded to elephants.
FRANK: What the f-
BIBBIT: Well, elephants generally have very poor French which makes it difficult to communicate with people in their native Belgium. So when being chased by poachers it’s very -
FRANK: I want you out of my house. Now.
BIBBIT: But with just a one time donation of -
FRANK raises a fist and BIBBIT runs out of the house. After reaching safety and catching his breath, BIBBIT goes to the next house and knocks on the door. An attractive young woman named AMANDA answers.
EXT. FRONT PORCH OF A HOUSE - DAY
AMANDA: Hello!
BIBBIT: Hi. Lions.
AMANDA stares for a moment, waiting for the rest of the sentence. It doesn’t come.
AMANDA: What about them?
BIBBIT: I don’t even know anymore, it’s been a long day. But aren’t lions the best?
AMANDA: Definitely!
BIBBIT: The problem is they’re endangered. They’re just so low on the food chain that pretty much everything eats them - from polar bears to kangaroos.
AMANDA: Wow that’s so awful!
BIBBIT: I know right! But there’s something you can do to help.
AMANDA: I’d love to.
BIBBIT: With a one time donation of $20, you can provide one lion with the weapons and combat training necessary to defend itself from those horrible, horrible gazelles.
AMANDA: I can do that! Glad to do my part in saving the environment.
AMANDA gives BIBBIT $20 and signs a paper.
BIBBIT: Thanks so much! I’m sure the tigers will really appreciate your generosity.
AMANDA: Tigers? I thought you said lions?
BIBBIT: Either way. They’re technically the same exact animal, it’s just that when one grows a mane it’s called a tiger.
AMANDA: Oh okay. Real pleasure talking to you!
BIBBIT smiles and turns around to walk away.
BIBBIT: Shit, I should have said sexual favours are required to save the lions.
BIBBIT looks back and realized the door was still open. AMANDA gives him a look of disgust and closes the door. BIBBIT adjusts his tie, pulls out his flask, and walks away.
