EPTSo i work at a club med somewhere in the world. i meet this awesome girl, she works at club med too. this is a resume of our last day off together. It was basically me , her, the village nurse, two of the cooks and a circus girl. But its much more centered on me then anything else. We rented a car and went to a very secluded beach with probably way too much alcohol. I'm juggling with the idea of showing it to her but i don't know if she would understand as it may seem very crude and she might get the wrong idea or think I'm fucked up.. Anyway here it goes. feel free to comment.
On a day off
By: APM
This is sissy little me laying down next to her. Sissy little fucking me trying to close my eyes. How this story came to be, its the same as getting rolled over by one of those fucking Hummer truck. I cant help thinking about “Chasing Amy”, i always thought that the movie was good, but i felt i was over that, i would never be judgemental enough to care about how many guys my girlfriend fucked or what kind of fucked up shit she could have done before i knew her. Little fucking dumb ass i was thought he was better then that. I understand the situation much better now.
Jump to us sitting in the ocean. Small pieces of Puke from this drunken nurse floating around us, shes now sleeping face first on this gorgeous beach. No one around, no one gives a fuck. Just us, friends, turquoise water and a fucking dumb ass truth game. Never have i ever felt so lonely, never have i ever felt so inadequate, never have i ever tried so hard, never have i ever been so far from who I try to be, never have i ever been such a fucking hypocrite rat. One finger down, two finger down. Poor little sorry me, give me empathy, give me brutal honesty. And that time with the water polo team, what was it? Two girl, Six guys. Cant take the image out of my mind. Her, kneeling down while shes sucking three of those motherfucking douche bags sport jock faggot. Kill me please, as she look me straight in the eyes and ask me if i would have found it weird to bang a girl with five lower class moron. I say I would have, like it doesn’t matter, like it shouldn’t, like I’m above all that high school bullshit, laughing it off like its all fun and games.
I'm not like them, but i can pretend. Its seems to have become my motto since i arrived on this wretched paradise. Poor little fucking sissy me trying to get a grip in the water while shes sitting in my lap. Make it look like i don’t want to disappear forever. Make it look like i don’t want to go scream my lungs out. Eat dirt and punch trough glass. Trying to understand why the fuck I'm so pissed. Do I think shes disgusting? No, I'm still infatuated. Why does it break my heart so much? Get out of the water i need to sit the fuck down. Numb and broke while i puff my smoke. They stay there oblivious. Good.
I want to punch every single motherfucker who ever laid hands on her. I understand I'm in denial, at least that’s that, i calm down a bit. “Chasing Amy” instantly come to my mind, I try to remember every little bit i can think of. Apply it to the situation. Its very similar. Except i didn’t freak out loud. I stayed calm and reserved like the little bitch I am. She come and sit next to me. Puts her head on my shoulder. She looks at me. Shes drunk beyond good measure. I look at her straight in the eyes. Trying to brush it off like its just a little childish crisis. Again like it doesn’t matter. I run away from the problem. I start to understand that if i want to resolve this i have to break every single little lies about myself i dwell in. I feel like one of those jealous overly clingy and poisonous idiot you hear about when every girl talk about her past bad relationship. I refuse to be like that. I refuse to come to the realization that I am everything i hate. I cuddle her a little bit. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, my baby shot me down. She passes out on the rock we are sitting on, snoring. I watch the sunset with my head laying on her belly. They take picture. The nurse is still fucked up ,but shes awake now, eating pizza and spitting nonsense. I feel sorry i am weak, i am not worthy. I light another cigarette even though the smoke scorches my throat more then anything.
Jump a couple minutes latter. We are back in the car. She sits on my laps. I'm confused as to what I'm feeling. The iron is still so hot yet i still like her the same. I wish i didn’t know. I start to understand its not about her. Its about me and only me. Little fucking sissy me. I start to realize I'm just an insecure little boy. I wish i had more experience i wish i could understand this relationship better. I wish it wasn’t just a summer flirt. I made it clear in my mind i wouldn’t attach myself too much. That in November it would probably be farewell for the both of us. Fucking little dumb fuck i am thought he could do it. We are now kissing, intertwining our tongue. I want her so bad. Yet i still apprehend the moment she will want to have sex. The Truth is I'm probably the worse fuck she ever had. Poor little fucking me. I think I'm dumb or maybe just happy and all that fucking 90s nonsense i grew up with.
We are now back to her room. I kiss her down the neck, she start pushing me to her bed. She gets naked on top of me. She looks glorious. Her small tits well erect over me. We kiss some more. Give me strength. Give me endurance. Give me absolute manliness. Shes going down on me. Shes perfect, still, I try to pretend i can take control. My hand over her head. Maybe if i pretend really well i can fool myself too. Meh. Poor little bitch I am. I know i cant put it in. Ill explode right away. I can foresee what will happen, so i try to delay it the best i can. Nervous i try to go down on her. Shes full of sand. I try to please her as best i can with what i have at hand. A dick that cant last for more then 2 minute and my hand. Shes mothering stuff. I don’t understand. Maybe i hear “ I love you” but its probably just a “I want you” anyway shes drunk so it doesn’t change anything. I wish i could give myself properly to her. But i cant. I know that very well. The little fucking hypocrite rat i am is trapped in a corner. She gets bored of my finger. She wants me. I get over her. She's so fucking tight i have trouble getting it in. If i was a normal guy i would be thrilled but I'm not. I apprehend whats coming next. I give a couple trust. I try to pace myself. She rocks her hips a little. FUCK. She says “really”. Yes really for fuck sake. I'm so ashamed i cant even look at her while i unload on her. Poor little me once more. 155 lbs of faggotry in front of her. I say I'm sorry. She says its alright she still like me the same. I doubt that. She deserves better. In the situation we are in, with how little time we have to ourselves, without sex, what exactly does she gets from me? She goes and take a shower. I still feel like shit but i try not to show it. I decide to go after her. She lays in bed and pass out. I lay next to her, try to close my eyes. The event of today still running trough my paranoid mind. Like a silent crisis. Nobody knows but me. I”m just an insecure little boy.
Oh poor little sissy me.
