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I feel compelled to write about how goddamn awful this movie was. Generally I'm not a dude who sits and complains about plot holes and all, but what the actual fuck. I'm just gonna go bullet point this bitch, in no particular order.
Before reading further, please be advised that this review only contains spoilers. Please read the inflection in my voice AS I CAPITALIZE FOR FURTHER EMPHASIS.
- The world is ending. Gerry may be the only person with the skillset necessary to help find a cure and save everyone. His response: "Nah, I wanna be with my family." Even though saving humanity is the ONLY WAY TO SAVE YOUR FAMILY, YOU WANT TO STAY WITH THEM. FUCK HELPING PEOPLE. This sets a good tone to the film.
- The ship captain actually has to threaten to kick his family off the ship in order to convince Gerry to join the mission. Seriously, for someone who was a special investigator for the UN, Gerry seems pretty stupid. Also, looking forward in the movie: for someone who was just an investigator, Gerry is pretty goddamn skilled at everything, including being having full medical training and being an expert marksmen.
- Tommy (the kid) has ZERO purpose in the movie whatsoever. Secondly, zombies break in to their house (there's only 1 door) and SOMEHOW he manages to escape totally unharmed while both of his parents get bitten and die instantly. This means, Tommy had exactly 24 seconds to escape his apartment and get all the way to the roof without getting harmed. For a 10 year old kid, that seems LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
- This zombie apocalypse has been going on for a few days and/or a week or so... this Israeli guy has the fucking foresight to build A HUGE WALL AROUND HIS WHOLE COUNTRY, and somehow they don't know that the zombies are attracted to sound. Seriously? Once that bitch picks up the mic and starts singing kumbayah I would've shot her. DONT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO SOUND?!?! And second point related to this: why was the mic hooked up to every single fucking loudspeaker in the whole area. "Ya guys, even though we know the zombies are triggered by sound, let's just have a ton of loud speakers so we can sing and praise Yaweh."
- Whats the deal with this Indian harvard scientist who was supposed to be their savior. He's literally in 3 scenes in the movie. He gives some super epic, philosophical speech (which by the way WHO FUCKING TALKS LIKE THAT), then dies instantly after in the stupidest way possible. Woops, trips and shoots himself in the head.
- I can't believe that after his wife calling Gerry in the middle of trying to refuel the plan and subsequently getting 6-7 people killed, all he has to say to her the following day is "you called at a bad time." Bitch, you just killed 6 people. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME, I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA CALL YOU. Secondly. Why is she calling him. He specifically said he would call her. Wouldn't she know/think that maybe he's on some dangerous missions and may not have time to receive random phone calls and that he'd call when he was in a safe spot. WHY WAS HIS PHONE NOT ON SILENT.
- How is riding a squeaky, old, bicycle more quiet than walking?
- Let's talk about the plane scene. (1) Really, throw a bomb in the plane? Good plan. (2) How is it that THE ZOMBIE IS CHILLING IN THE CLOSET THE ENTIRE TIME. The dog barked at the beginning of the flight but somehow the zombie wasn't triggered. He wasn't triggered at any other point in the flight even though there was talking on the PA and probably talking of people on the plane. NO: the zombie comes out RIGHT WHEN THEY'RE GETTING CLOSE TO LANDING. Was he stuck in the closet?? These zombies had super strength and could break car doors and brick walls easily and yet he couldn't open the fucking closet door? Seriously?
- That brings me to my next point. The plane crashes in a forest. They were "near" their landing destination. When you're on a flight and the pilot says you've been cleared for landing, that means you're still 20-25 minutes away from landing, which equates to at least 100-200 miles. Despite being badly injured and landing randomly in the forest (and miraculously ever single person including the pilots are dead but GERRY and his Israeli pseudo-girlfriend survived), they manage to WALK right to the WHO hospital. Seriously?! How did they even know where they were, let alone find the hospital? Did the plane miraculously crash land within eyesight of the hospital? Did Gerry's phone, which wasn't even a smart phone and totally out of battery, happen to have a GPS? Did they have a map? Who the fuck knows.
- How did Gerry's phone get charged at the hospital? It was dead before, and it was a really old model, it didn't even have a keyboard or touchscreen and didn't have a color monitor. Did the hospital (a really high tech research facility) really have access to an outdated phone charger? Did Gerry keep one in his pocket? I don't understand that.
- They literally kicked Gerry's family off the boat after 40 hours of no contact. Cool.
- So one of the WHO scientists says "they'll never find the vault without my help." After the scientist and the Israeli-girl escape the zombies, Gerry WANDERS RIGHT TO THE VAULT. He just walks right to it. It takes MINUTES.
- This WHO scientist must be the clumsiest person in the world. He steps on pieces of glass, he dropped a soda can, he bumps into a wall, he hits his axe on a railing. Are you fucking joking? If I was Gerry I would have told that bitch to go back. Clearly wasn't helping at all. In fact, he almost single handedly ruined the mission. It's like if you're playing League of Legends and your ADC keeps tower diving without a support or minions. STAY BACK AND GET SOME CS DUDE.
- Let's recap: (1) They actually didn't need the scientist at all to find the vault with the 'antidote'. (2) The scientist literally almost caused them all to die by continuously running into things and making tons of noise.
- Gerry sees an old guy and a bald kid not get attacked by zombies. He then gets some flashbacks of the stupid Indian scientist's weird speech. BOOM. Comes to the conclusion that being terminally ill is actually the antidote to getting targeted by zombies.
- Apparently North Korea was totally safe because "they removed the teeth of all their citizens so nobody could bite anybody." What the fuck? Why didn't everyone just do that. Or, why didn't people go to North Korea. Seems like the tides have turned and NK has become a pretty attractive travel destination.
Overall: I'd rate this movie somewhere between god awful and "I'm embarrassed to say I paid $7 to see it." It was so bad that people went into the movie with serious expectations and halfway through the movie actually started laughing even though there were no comedic overtures whatsoever.
  
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My biggest gripe was, as many people have asked, how does the disease spread on airplanes if people turn within seconds?
Also, I hope you didn't go see After Earth.
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I did. Also terrible. I could write another 2,000 words on how bad that was but I LITERALLY forgot that I saw it until just now when you brought it up.
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On July 02 2013 17:23 Jerubaal wrote:
My biggest gripe was, as many people have asked, how does the disease spread on airplanes if people turn within seconds?
Also, I hope you didn't go see After Earth.
what do you mean?
If you are talking about the part where the main characters board the airplane,the stewardess opens up a door where a turned dude was already trapped in before they boarded,than he just bit others,etc.
Apparently North Korea was totally safe because "they removed the teeth of all their citizens so nobody could bite anybody." What the fuck? Why didn't everyone just do that. Or, why didn't people go to North Korea. Seems like the tides have turned and NK has become a pretty attractive travel destination.
as far as I understood that was a "joke",the guy that told him that pulled his own teeth out but north korea didn't actually do such a thing
Gerry sees an old guy and a bald kid not get attacked by zombies. He then gets some flashbacks of the stupid Indian scientist's weird speech. BOOM. Comes to the conclusion that being terminally ill is actually the antidote to getting targeted by zombies.
he actually sees 3 people,the homeless dude at the beginning,the old guy and the young bald kid.
How is riding a squeaky, old, bicycle more quiet than walking?
hahah i lold at that as well
I thought the movie was ok,nice time sink and I went to see it when tickets were half price so didn't waste much money.
definitely not worth the money of watching it in 3d or imax.
I saw worse movies this year tbh,pain and gain for instance.
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I don't think the stewardess opened a closet - it looked like an elevator system to bring food trays up from below the main deck.
Also the north korean "solution" was meant as a joke... I think.
The rest was awful, definitely. One of the worst movies of the year, full of hilarious incompetence from every character mingled with the movie trying to be five different genres at once. Jumps from wannabe-scary to contemplative apocalyptica to romance to generic action.
Also why didn't they just bring the guy's family back to the ship once he made contact again? Herp.
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I just finished the movie and it was just bad, I can't even remember a single good thing about it. You summed up my thoughts pretty nicely, it was really one ridiculous thing after another.
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I don't dare watching the movie. I love the book and I find like.. 90% of Brad Pits movies awesome, but it sounds like they've botched the book completely and created quite the crap movie... so sad 
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About the squeaky bike... maybe the rain was enough to mask the sound?
The whole Israel portion was stupid. Who needs guards/cameras/anything on top of the walls?
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I had a 'snakes on a plane' moment when that zombie came out the closet.
Overall, bad to insultingly bad to hilariously bad.
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United States21853 Posts
I had a good chuckle reading this. Thanks Xeris.
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United States22842 Posts
There's some serious fundamental problems, but you're harping on a lot of minor shit that exist in every movie. Seems like a weak iNcontroL impression.
Like, he's using a satellite phone, not an old phone. It could be charged through microUSB like any other modern phone, and its battery lasts a lot longer than a smartphone.
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On July 03 2013 00:49 Jibba wrote:
There's some serious fundamental problems, but you're harping on a lot of minor shit that exist in every movie. Seems like a weak iNcontroL impression.
this, you're just nitpicking the small stuff.
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On July 03 2013 01:22 hooahah wrote:Show nested quote +On July 03 2013 00:49 Jibba wrote:
There's some serious fundamental problems, but you're harping on a lot of minor shit that exist in every movie. Seems like a weak iNcontroL impression. this, you're just nitpicking the small stuff.
I enjoyed reading it though  It's fun to nitpick the small stuff in movies and games. Normally it makes for good conversation lol
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I enjoy nitpicking Dragonball Z, doesn't mean that it's "one of the worst shows I've ever seen"
haven't seen WWZ yet (doubt I will either) but slandering an action flick because of the small stuff is silly.
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FuDDx
United States4817 Posts
I was sad I found a better quality (paid for wink wink) link, allowing me the displeasure of re-watching the film in better quality. As I had stopped just after the Scientist shot himself. The ability to see what was actually happening in the movie proved worse, and yet I finished it.
This movie was lame even for someone who loves zombie stuff.
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On July 03 2013 00:49 Jibba wrote:
There's some serious fundamental problems, but you're harping on a lot of minor shit that exist in every movie. Seems like a weak iNcontroL impression.
Like, he's using a satellite phone, not an old phone. It could be charged through microUSB like any other modern phone, and its battery lasts a lot longer than a smartphone.
LET ME HAVE FUN WITH THIS!
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most of this was just for comedic rather than critical value
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It felt like a 2 hour build up to an eventual sequel.. which turns out they may be planning.
Yeah it wasn't too good
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On July 02 2013 17:07 Xeris wrote:- The world is ending. Gerry may be the only person with the skillset necessary to help find a cure and save everyone. His response: "Nah, I wanna be with my family." Even though saving humanity is the ONLY WAY TO SAVE YOUR FAMILY, YOU WANT TO STAY WITH THEM. FUCK HELPING PEOPLE. This sets a good tone to the film.
They barely survived an escape with their lives and his first instinct is to stay with his family... why is this so hard to believe?
[*] The ship captain actually has to threaten to kick his family off the ship in order to convince Gerry to join the mission. Seriously, for someone who was a special investigator for the UN, Gerry seems pretty stupid. Also, looking forward in the movie: for someone who was just an investigator, Gerry is pretty goddamn skilled at everything, including being having full medical training and being an expert marksmen.
He didn't know that el capitan was going kick his family off the ship initially or he would not have gone. How is this stupid?
[*]Tommy (the kid) has ZERO purpose in the movie whatsoever. Secondly, zombies break in to their house (there's only 1 door) and SOMEHOW he manages to escape totally unharmed while both of his parents get bitten and die instantly. This means, Tommy had exactly 24 seconds to escape his apartment and get all the way to the roof without getting harmed. For a 10 year old kid, that seems LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
The kid probably had some back way out of his apartment that he could fit through. Not a big stretch to imagine this. I think the purpose of him and his family was to show that not everyone turned into selfish looters when the crisis hit and that some had still retained their humanity.
[*] This zombie apocalypse has been going on for a few days and/or a week or so... this Israeli guy has the fucking foresight to build A HUGE WALL AROUND HIS WHOLE COUNTRY, and somehow they don't know that the zombies are attracted to sound. Seriously? Once that bitch picks up the mic and starts singing kumbayah I would've shot her. DONT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO SOUND?!?! And second point related to this: why was the mic hooked up to every single fucking loudspeaker in the whole area. "Ya guys, even though we know the zombies are triggered by sound, let's just have a ton of loud speakers so we can sing and praise Yaweh."
If you were listening carefully when the ex-Mossad guy was explaining about the '10th man' concept... Israel had been caught off guard in the past by major events that threatened their existence. By establishing a group of 10 who had to vote on preparations... all 9 thought the zombie threat was nonsense... it was his job to establish doubt about that and he succeeded.
The mic was clearly there to allow the troops to broadcast to the crowd to get them organized.
If you knew anything about middle-eastern culture you would know that it is popular to sing in crowds at times of stress to relieve tension.
They didn't know that sound attracted the zombies, and Gerry warnings were too late.
[*] Whats the deal with this Indian harvard scientist who was supposed to be their savior. He's literally in 3 scenes in the movie. He gives some super epic, philosophical speech (which by the way WHO FUCKING TALKS LIKE THAT), then dies instantly after in the stupidest way possible. Woops, trips and shoots himself in the head.
It was a scene to show how the chaos of such situations can easily result in the senseless deaths of inexperienced players.
[*] I can't believe that after his wife calling Gerry in the middle of trying to refuel the plan and subsequently getting 6-7 people killed, all he has to say to her the following day is "you called at a bad time." Bitch, you just killed 6 people. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME, I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA CALL YOU. Secondly. Why is she calling him. He specifically said he would call her. Wouldn't she know/think that maybe he's on some dangerous missions and may not have time to receive random phone calls and that he'd call when he was in a safe spot. WHY WAS HIS PHONE NOT ON SILENT.
He didn't tell her not to call him, just that he would call her every day. When he didn't call she became worried and called back, not hard to understand. Phone not on silent? This is not your iPhone, it was a satellite phone... who knows maybe you can't put it on silent.
[*] How is riding a squeaky, old, bicycle more quiet than walking?
I think the idea here was to outrun the zombies with speed on bikes.
[*] Let's talk about the plane scene. (1) Really, throw a bomb in the plane? Good plan. (2) How is it that THE ZOMBIE IS CHILLING IN THE CLOSET THE ENTIRE TIME. The dog barked at the beginning of the flight but somehow the zombie wasn't triggered. He wasn't triggered at any other point in the flight even though there was talking on the PA and probably talking of people on the plane. NO: the zombie comes out RIGHT WHEN THEY'RE GETTING CLOSE TO LANDING. Was he stuck in the closet?? These zombies had super strength and could break car doors and brick walls easily and yet he couldn't open the fucking closet door? Seriously?
Grenade? It was a difficult choice between certain death (zombie) and near certain death (plane crash). I would have done the same rather than get bitten... at least I might have had some chance.
Zombie was down in the cargo hold and was brought up to the upper level by the stewardess... I thought this was perfectly clear. Maybe you've never been on this kinds of planes were there is two levels.
[*] That brings me to my next point. The plane crashes in a forest. They were "near" their landing destination. When you're on a flight and the pilot says you've been cleared for landing, that means you're still 20-25 minutes away from landing, which equates to at least 100-200 miles. Despite being badly injured and landing randomly in the forest (and miraculously ever single person including the pilots are dead but GERRY and his Israeli pseudo-girlfriend survived), they manage to WALK right to the WHO hospital. Seriously?! How did they even know where they were, let alone find the hospital? Did the plane miraculously crash land within eyesight of the hospital? Did Gerry's phone, which wasn't even a smart phone and totally out of battery, happen to have a GPS? Did they have a map? Who the fuck knows.
They survived because they were near the front of the plane. Statistically plane crash survivors are either at the very front or the very back.
Maybe you missed it, but at least one zombie survived and was still buckled into her seat.
Is it so much of a stretch to imagine they went to the nearest town and checked signs/maps for directions? We did see them walking through the town where there was at least one survivor (the old woman in the window). The movie can only fit so much into 2 hours you know.
[*] How did Gerry's phone get charged at the hospital? It was dead before, and it was a really old model, it didn't even have a keyboard or touchscreen and didn't have a color monitor. Did the hospital (a really high tech research facility) really have access to an outdated phone charger? Did Gerry keep one in his pocket? I don't understand that.
These sat phones often use standard batteries so they are easy to replace in the field.
[*] They literally kicked Gerry's family off the boat after 40 hours of no contact. Cool.
Too bad for them. Its tough in the zombie apocalypse.
[*] So one of the WHO scientists says "they'll never find the vault without my help." After the scientist and the Israeli-girl escape the zombies, Gerry WANDERS RIGHT TO THE VAULT. He just walks right to it. It takes MINUTES.
They got pretty far in. Gerry had to just explore a bit to find it.
[*] This WHO scientist must be the clumsiest person in the world. He steps on pieces of glass, he dropped a soda can, he bumps into a wall, he hits his axe on a railing. Are you fucking joking? If I was Gerry I would have told that bitch to go back. Clearly wasn't helping at all. In fact, he almost single handedly ruined the mission. It's like if you're playing League of Legends and your ADC keeps tower diving without a support or minions. STAY BACK AND GET SOME CS DUDE.
Most people are not calm and composed in such a situation, and will often panic, be clumsy, do stupid things.... etc.
[*] Gerry sees an old guy and a bald kid not get attacked by zombies. He then gets some flashbacks of the stupid Indian scientist's weird speech. BOOM. Comes to the conclusion that being terminally ill is actually the antidote to getting targeted by zombies.
He's a smart guy and figured it out. Hell I figured it out the first time I saw zombies run by someone and I'm not that smart. :p
[*] Apparently North Korea was totally safe because "they removed the teeth of all their citizens so nobody could bite anybody." What the fuck? Why didn't everyone just do that. Or, why didn't people go to North Korea. Seems like the tides have turned and NK has become a pretty attractive travel destination.
Yea i think it was pretty obvious that this was the ranting of a toothless madman and was not to be taken seriously, as others have already pointed out.
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Well I think your criticisms are petty and put down on a movie that I thought was surprisingly good. The plane, Israel and WHO scenes were really well done. This is coming from a guy who loved the book and was dreading how the movie would turn out. Yea it shares its name and zombies only with the book, but it could have been a lot worse.
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