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If you find discover that she has lied to you multiple times... you have to remember that she may have lied to you about things you haven't found about, and she will probably lie to you in the future. Don't bother having a relationship with a person you can't trust (how long are you going to keep looking through her phone? what if you have to escalate your privacy-breaking actions in order to make sure she isn't doing anything shady? I'm sure it doesn't feel good being in a relationship where you feel insecure). Dump her.
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You have a weird sense of privacy, it sucks that this girl is obviously lieing to you about a bunch of things but you really shouldn't make a habit of going through people's phones.
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On May 28 2013 23:42 DanLee wrote:
You have a weird sense of privacy, it sucks that this girl is obviously lieing to you about a bunch of things but you really shouldn't make a habit of going through people's phones.
That's one of the things that bothers me the most. I don't act like this under normal circumstances. I definitely do want to give her the privacy she deserves and I don't want to feel like I NEED to go through her private things. It's unfair to both of us. It's just really unfortunate that I found out she was actually hiding things. I don't feel that justifies my behaviour though, don't get me wrong.
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Why in the world are you two together? You quite clearly do not trust her, and she quite obviously should not trust you. Both of you have some serious issues to work on before dating.
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The main reason she hid that guy from you for so long and started acting all wierd, is probably because she knew you'd be mad at her because of him, even if he was only really a friend and nothing else. And you pretty much confirmed it by forcing her to text stuff and acting violently "I lose my shit at this point and I grab her phone" .
That other guy is not the problem, he is just a symptom; the main problem are your trust issues. You can not make a relationship last without trust, and lack of trust/confidence directly signals weakness to the girl, who will naturally start looking for a stronger/more confident guy to be with.
About your current relationship I'd say you can not fix what is already broken; because now she'll always be a liar in your head and you'll end up questioning everything she says from this point on, and that is no way to build a relationship.
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I had written out a huge (probably longer than your blog) reply about how my situation was similar but it ended up being totally irrelevant - I am a very, VERY distrusting and jealous person due to a previous relationship that went horridly wrong, and I know the feeling you are feeling when she's doing things like that. It's not fun.
However, your "pros for her" really (in my mind) doesn't outweigh the cons. It's blatantly obvious she's lying to you, and hiding things from you. I hate making assumptions but it's pretty clear she's always going to be like this and it's making you miserable. There's no point to staying in a miserable relationship, regardless if it's your fault or hers.
Every relationship has its up and down portions, but this isn't really a "oh it sucks but things will get better over time" in my opinion.
As an aside, you can PM me if you want if you need any help keeping your jealous/distrusting stuff inside of you. There's some stuff I have tried and it's helped out my current relationship a lot - me and my current gf were in the same situation where if she was talking to a male friend I was assuming she was going to leave me for him, etc. etc.
All things that I know right now were very stupid of me to ever think but sometimes your brain makes you do stupid things!
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The entire trust of this relationship is gone, and the relationship with it. There is no saving it, and there is no point in trying. TBH, from what you've said about her, this girl isn't not worth fighting this much over. No one is perfect, but she sounds like definite damaged goods and just one of those people that is constantly involved in some petty drama. You two really haven't even been together that long. This is way too much drama for a less than 2 year relationship. Being 7+ years apart in age in your 20s doesn't help things much (you're probably going to want different things out of life).
I know it sucks, but take a few days, cool off, and you'll see this isn't worth continuing. You will never really trust her, for the rest of the relationship.
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There are issues on both sides of this. Overall, though, I'd say this relationship is pretty much over.
On her part, she lies whenever she's uncomfortable, and then when pressed she simply doubles back. This is probably just going to continue. She also causes way too much drama. It should be no big deal to have other guy friends but the way she tries to hide everything just complicates things. I wouldn't necessarily call her damaged goods but because of
She has substance abuse issues as well and is an alcoholic.
this I'd say she probably isn't worth your time (unless you're also going through that).
attempted suicide while we were together
This is also alarming, and I'm pretty skeptical of a lot of "attempted suicides." This girl just seems like trouble.
On your part, you are incredibly controlling and invasive. Jesus christ, you care way too much about what she's doing. You should just leave her to her own thing most of the time. This means don't look through her phone. By doing that you basically broke all the trust in your relationship.
So, next time, I'd suggest getting a less problematic girlfriend if possible. I know it's easy to write this but sometimes options are... limited, so I'd understand if you wanted to disregard this advice. Still, drug/drama/attempted suicide is not a good combo and should probably be avoided. Don't be so controlling either. You really don't need to know every detail of your partner's life, nor prevent her from contacting guys. She might not have even been romantically involved with that dude, but because you were so controlling, she still felt the need to hide it. Don't cultivate that kind of anxiety/ tension in a relationship. Also, she seems a little immature. I'd suggest going for someone closer to your age next time.
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hmm okay this relationship wont work, but here is what you need to realize. people flirt. I have been happily married since october of '06 and when I am away from my wife and a girl makes eyes at me, i will probably respond with a little flirtation, and I expect she does exactly the same when she is away from me. People like to feel wanted, its nice knowing at home you have someone who loves you, but sometimes you just need reminding that you are desireable as well. Its normal, but you have to trust one another, trust that your love is worth more than a few silly smiles. no one will ever ever only have eyes for you. Its not the human condition, so you must have faith that the person wouldn't hurt you and jeopardize what you have.
next step, once you have this trust, don't go looking for lies. you'll find a small detail that doesn't fit like the color shoes she was wearing and all of a sudden you are sure that everything else is a lie as well. I am not saying to bury your head in the sand and pretend everything is perfect, but have faith in your partner until they give you reason not to. They deserve that much.
lastly even if that girl wasn't cheating on you, you can never trust her. she shouldn't be in a relationship until she has fixed her own problems with substance abuse, and neither should you be in one until you start to see yourself as someone worthy of love and affection. If you think someone is cheating on you without them giving you a reason, its because you don't feel that you can make that person happy, that you aren't worth them being with. Know that if someone is with you it is because they choose to be not because they are looking for a way to fuck you over. If you can't trust them, they will give you a reason not to. No one wants to be treated like they arent trustworthy. Once you are over your own self esteem issues and you know that you are worth being with, that you offer something unique and worthwhile, then find another relationship, and don't look for the other shoe to drop. if someone isn't happy in the relationship, you will be able to tell, so don't assume the worst or scrutinize over what every little thing means and make it self-fulfilling. I hope this helps, man. I knew jealousy when I was younger, and everyone is entitled to some jealousy, but don't let it rule you, be proud and know your worth.
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I'd like to thank everyone for their posts. Most of you are pretty spot on with the situation although I feel some of you are a bit misinformed on your opinions but that's understandable since you're taking this all at face value. There is no way I could cover every aspect of this without turning it into a short novel.
As most of you have said the relationship is over already. Something I already feel. My trust issues do drive people away, I'm already aware of this. I'm not blameless in this.
I'll probably be self-nuking this blog shortly because I feel absolutely silly for posting it since I do keep myself in most cases. I just honestly have no one to talk to about this and needed to get it off my chest.
Thanks everyone.
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You don't trust her at all. She should most definitely not trust you either. I'm surprised you're still in a relationship
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Hey man, managed to get the blog like 5mins before you nuked it. Some heavy stuff I can't begin to comprehend. Just curious for your reasoning on staying with her after she cheated?
Doesn't your trust issues make it a ton more harder since you never know if it can happen again? Since what I have read from different people is that those that cheat are likely to do it again.
Also ask her to be straight? Say this is what you want and what does she want? And not to lie as then things not going to work.
But hope it all works out for you man. Sometimes you just need to vent and let it out. Once again I don't pretend to know your situation but hope this helps and things work out.
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girls r icky and have cooties. u shud just avoid dem
User was temp banned for this post.
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Pretty lame that you nuked the blog. Man up dude. I'm guessing by your blog title that you needed a spine in more than just one way, hence still being in a relationship.
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On May 29 2013 05:23 CecilSunkure wrote:
Pretty lame that you nuked the blog. Man up dude. I'm guessing by your blog title that you needed a spine in more than just one way, hence still being in a relationship.
Sometimes there are good reasons for it, though. Though I can't make a judgement call on this one, good idea or not.
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bro where u been i love u bro you can cry on my shoulder or something
i trusted my girlfrand into the arms of another man, lets combine and fight against the world 2gther
we will be unstoppable.
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On May 29 2013 12:51 docvoc wrote:Show nested quote +On May 29 2013 05:23 CecilSunkure wrote:
Pretty lame that you nuked the blog. Man up dude. I'm guessing by your blog title that you needed a spine in more than just one way, hence still being in a relationship. Sometimes there are good reasons for it, though. Though I can't make a judgement call on this one, good idea or not.
Hmm true, I think I jumped the gun there.
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Nooooo i'm too late to the party
Damn
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EPT
