EPT
I reject the world that rejects me
and the me that rejects the world.
and the me that rejects the world.
It's a complicated feeling, being tossed and spun so fast that you lose sight of yourself. How many times have you stopped and asked, "What exactly do you want?"
Not that it matters. We all know what is desired of us. No one goes through life not knowing what society requires unless they're clinically insane. Even cockroaches have obligations.
"Wait, what? Did you just compare me to a cockroach?"
Yeah, sorry, you're right. Cockroaches are generally sturdier. You won't find a cockroach writing no blog. If you did it'd probably go something like:
April 25th, 2013
Some dumb nerd tried to kill me today. He managed to stomp the fuck out of me, but, hey, here I am, using my guts to write this blog. #YOLOnethousandtimes
Some dumb nerd tried to kill me today. He managed to stomp the fuck out of me, but, hey, here I am, using my guts to write this blog. #YOLOnethousandtimes
Fucking cockroaches. I think I've just solved the gun violence problem in America: become a cockroach.
No, but seriously.
Who else here has ever tried to escape from reality? Being a gaming website, I'm sure there's plenty that have. To this day, I still do not know what exactly caused me to lock myself in my room, day in and day out, only to immerse myself in a virtual world void of physical comfort. All I know is that the pictures and text inside my computer screen afforded me more joy than the reality outside my bedroom, which is odd, because now I am unable to function without frequent contact with my friends and family and am incredibly averse to loneliness.
Yeah, okay, I lied. It's not odd. There has always been one constant, and that is the fact that I am afraid of loneliness. That didn't change even when I repeatedly told myself during my shut-in days that I would be happy even in a world where I was the only living being (provided I had some machine or something to cook for me every day, being the lazy ass that I was). The relationships I built through the internet were just as important in helping me retain my sanity as my real life friends are today. In fact, I am perfectly content with admitting that many of my online friends are very important to me. The day just wouldn't be the same if I couldn't joke around with them.
There's another thing that has not changed from then and now: I still hold many reservations about society and its rules. The only difference now is that I allow myself to be thrown around without much of a (visible) fight. It's necessary if I want to succeed on my path to a career in politics.
"Why politics?" you ask? Because I reject many of the notions that exist in present-day society.
That's right. I'm following the rules to break the rules.
There's only one problem.
The more I'm spun around, the more I lose sight myself. I adapt to any environment I find myself a part of and act as I am expected to. In exchange, a part of the real me ends up hiding to make room for fake smiles and fake dialogue. My only solace is that the real me is currently hiding somewhere that can still be found (like here, for example).
One of my biggest fears is no longer being able to remember who I really am. As I grow older, the relationships from the past seemingly fade away, and for one reason or another I increasingly lose contact with those who have always been able to find me even when I was in the deepest, darkest hole.
I'm afraid of the day where I'll become just another part of the system--an insignificant pixel that merely blends in with the rest of the screen. But if I don't act as that pixel, someone will take notice and just replace me with someone who can.
Maybe all of this is the real me.
*spin, spin*
