EPTBut I found myself staring at the two little boys who I was supposed to babysit, mere pre-schoolers (4 and 5 years old), in front of me blankly when they put forth a simple request:
"Can you tell us a story?"
Normally, I would have grabbed a book or recited some old tale I knew off the top of my head. But some wave of creative plagiarism came over me, and I felt compelled to follow through with what I had in mind.
"Sure thing, guys. Let's go sit down."
Naturally, being the good little impressionable and obedient kids that they are, they dashed as fast as their little legs would carry them to the couch and jumped on, while I made myself comfortable in a chair adjacent to them.
"Do you know... the story of the three little SCVs and the big, bad Ultralisk?"
Their responses were to be expected. "What's a SCB and a uldrabisk?"
I grinned at them, yet felt extremely stupid on the inside. "Just listen carefully and I'll tell you."
Once upon a time, there were three little SCVs. They all lived happily with the rest of their Terran family, mining minerals and extracting gas.
I paused briefly, and looked at their faces. They were completely lost, there was no doubt about it. But they showed interest, so I opened my mouth and continued.
But eventually, their main base was running low on minerals, and their commander sent them out into the world to find their fortune, but not before warning each of them to build defenses because the world was dangerous.
"Why was it dangerous?"
Because there were all of sorts of bad Zerg monsters, like zerglings, banelings and roaches and hydrali- actually, no, forget hydralisks. They're too weak to be considered a threat.
So the first SCV eventually found a nice little place to settle, a small expansion with a tiny ramp. He remembered his commander's warning, so he built a few supply depots to block the top of the ramp, because they took were the easiest to build.
A little bit later, a big, bad ultralisk came along, very, very hungry for little snacks. He saw the first SCV and thought, 'something yummy to eat!'
So the big, bad ultralisk walks up to the first SCV's ramp and says, 'SCV, SCV, let me come in.'
Now the SCV doesn't want to be eaten, because who wants to be eaten? So he looks at the ultralisk and says, 'not by the gas of my chinny chin chin!'
The ultralisk was not happy because of this, so he said, 'then I'll ram, and I'll bam, and I'll bust your wall down.'
Which he did. The depots came crashing down, and the first little SCV tried to run away, but because his movement speed is 2.851 and the big, bad Ultralisk's is 2.9531, the Ultralisk caught the first little SCV and ate him up.
"I don't like that big, bad ultabis. He's a big meanie."
I laughed at the outburst. "Yes, he is," I replied. Silently, I was thanking myself that the couldn't make the connection to the Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf.
Anyways, even though the big, bad Ultralisk ate the first little SCV, he was still hungry. He walked around until he came across the expansion of the second little SCV.
Now, the second little SCV built a bunker this time around, and to be really careful, he researched Building Armor.
"What's Building Armuh?"
I looked at the kid matter-of-factly. "Something Terrans don't research."
So when the second little SCV saw the big, bad Ultralisk coming, he jumped into his extra-safe bunker.
'SCV, SCV, won't you come out?'
The second little SCV said the same thing as the first. 'Not by the gas of my chinny chin chin!'
'Then I'll ram, and I'll bam, and I'll bust your bunker down.'
The little SCV was sure that he was safe, but he forgot one thing. Bunkers aren't Photon Cannons. You need Marines and Marauders inside to attack back.
The same thing happened, and again, the big, bad Ultralisk caught the second little SCV and ate him.
Now while the big, bad Ultralisk ate the first two little SCVs, the third one built a Command Center and upgraded it into a Planetary Fortress. Just to be extra safe, he researched Hi-Sec Auto Tracking.
"What's that?"
"Hm... good question. I don't know either. I heard it's a good upgrade."
"What's a upgade?"
"Let me finish the story."
"Okay!"
By the time everything finished, the big, bad Ultralisk came up and saw the third little SCV jump into the Planetary Fortress. Once again, he said the same thing, as he walked up to the Planetary.
'SCV, SCV, won't you com ou-'
WHAM. The big bad ultralisk fell backwards as he felt something hit him, really, really hard. He stepped into the upgraded range of the Planetary and it shot him.
'Butter my biscuit!', the third little SCV said.
The big, bad Ultralisk was mad. He got up and yelled, 'THEN I'LL RAM, AND I'LL BAM AND I'LL KNOCK YOUR PLANETARY DOWN'
But try as he might, the big bad Ultralisk could not knock the Planetary down, and because the Planetary was shooting him the whole time, the big, bad Ultralisk eventually burned and was no more.
Then the third little SCV got out of the Planetary and began repairing it.
I stopped at this point, and looked at the kids. Surprisingly, they were awed. I did not expect this kind of reaction from them.
"Did the third little SCV live happily ever after?"
I laughed at the kid's curiosity and naivete. "Of course not! The Zerg player just tech switched to Brood Lords and beat the Terran player cause he had no Vikings. Moral of the story? Zerg is imba."
