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friday was the end of my 6th week at my new job at a bank reviewing mortgage loans. i was just moved into my 'cubicle' but still in training.
i feel slowly grinded down. i feel like i write less and less and have less and less motivation to do things. in the first week and a half of working i had done really well with writing and wrote a couple of poems that i was 'satisfied' with, but have since been unable to continue this and in the past few weeks i have written a single poem. i tried to edit old stories but have been 'unsuccessful'. i have tried to start a longer work but have been 'unsuccessful' only jotting down single line scenes that i can maybe use later.
i feel like this is not what i want to do with my life. i feel like it is too hard to get another job so i can't quit. i want to go back to school but it feels so far away and impossible to achieve. i dont know if i could handle going to work for 40+ hrs a week and then getting off and rushing to the university to take whatever classes they offer at that time slot so that i could hopefully get a couple of good recommendations and polish my application in hopes that i will be able to be accepted into an MFA program in the next fall semester. i feel like its hopeless.
i feel like even if i could get into an MFA program that it would only last a couple of years and i would be in the same place i am now when it was over. i feel like i know what i want to do, i feel like i want to teach literature and poetry because it is something that i am passionate about and i really like being able to talk to people and have conversations about literature and poetry. i feel like it is impossible to accomplish this.
i feel like the little agency i have in the world is limited to looking at pictures of dogs on the internet and 'tweeting'. it seems depressing that i am ok with this and this is what i prefer doing above all else. i watched a movie and someone said 'i am ok with dying right now but i dont know in the future if i will be ok with dying' and i thought 'i understand this'. does life seem this 'bleak' to everyone?
here is the poem i wrote, always looking for comments/criticisms/insults
it has been six months since u left
and i am still lost in your
mythology.
u are quetzacoatl in me.
u thunder in the skies of me
until u are every last mote of light
escaping my peasant’s eyes.
i sacrifice the tribes u left in me
one by one their entrails
a steaming mess on altars in me
them wrapped around the trees of me
them the screams of me
them the dead in me
them the dark and the deep of me
and u, the last mote of light
in those peasants’ eyes.
  
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for some reason sounds like something tool would compose, cool stuff
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Manage your time well and make sure you have the time to do what you really like despite the fact you have a 40h job. Especially if you don't enjoy your job, don't let it consume your entire life.
About the poem: Meh...
It feels forced.
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@JOJOsc2news
is there a specific place where you feel that it is forced or maybe like a specific instance that you can point at and say that it feels forced specifically here? i definitely understand where you are coming from because i forced a lot of lines out for my first chapbook and was really 'unsatisfied' with the result, and i end up having to cross out a lot of things that i have written in my journals/notes because i think they are 'forced' so i try to keep an eye out for stuff like this.
for example in an earlier draft of this i had other parts that i ended up taking out because i was 'afraid' that they felt forced and generally 'unsatisfied' with them but in a lot of cases i had a very specific feeling about them at specific points. i think that it is difficult to move forward or at least try to avoid the mistakes that i make that make my poems less 'accessible' and feel 'forced' etc.:
"u are a terrible god
u wreck havoc in my lands
u take away my children
and i
will take away my children
with my small hands
and i
will lay them on a stone and
open them up and
offer u the heart
the intestine
the bladder
the blood
until u are
satisfied."
and also
"i am the cro-magnon man of me
and i have raped
the tribe of neanderthals u left in me.
i will always look down on my hands
my hands are the killers of people
and my hands can never be forgiven
and u are the killers of people
with my small, delicate hands."
and im not sure if this was connected or free floating but its in the middle of my notes:
"u are in the blood of me and i
am connected to a dialysis machine
you are being taken away from me
you are being filtered out
in one sense i am being treated
i am being cured
but in another
they are taking away my blood
and i will always yearn
for the time that has passed
the time that has gone
and i will always be connected
to this dialysis machine
and i will always watch my blood
rising up/ becoming devoid
of your beautiful poisons."
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having a 9-5 job is a bad excuse for not pursuing your dreams, goals, ambitions
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thank u matt this is what i feel too.
i feel like i am 'obligated' to stay at my job. not just because of income, because i feel like i am 'surrounded' by people who love me and i can get away with trying really hard to make writing work and to get into grad school and to try and teach. i feel 'obligated' mostly because my dad&stepmom are having kids and i heard something about 'twins' which makes me feel like i 'need' to move out.
it feels 'bleak' to me that i am working at this job that i really 'hate' and that my 'plan' is to add an extra 15hrs+ a week between driving to the university, taking classes, applying to grad school, writing, etc., because i know that the end result of this is that i am pursuing a degree that is just as 'useless' as the one i have now.
i felt this too while i was in school, thinking like 'why did i study this instead of computer stuff or engineering' and it feels 'depressing' to me that i chose to study something i had a real passion for and enjoyed in hopes that i could be 'happier' and the end result is that im just as 'unhappy' but now with less career 'options' and less 'success' and ppl feel i have less 'ambition' and less 'future'.
i wanted to wake up and feel 'beautiful' and 'successful' and that's it, and before i thought that this was possible but every day i spend at work i feel more and more like its not, feel more and more like i am 'dreaming' and that i need to wake up and deal with 'reality'.
i dont know if i am feeling this more because of my job or because i have less people in my life to 'depend' on to give me 'support' and 'encouragement'. come over and let's watch 'cops' or 'house' or something, i dunno what tv shows you like. i am registering for school right now.
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i watched a movie and someone said 'i am ok with dying right now but i dont know in the future if i will be ok with dying'
What movie was this?
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I'm sorry 
late capitalism's a bitch, ain't it
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@jetburger
it is a movie called 'mumblecore' by MDMA films. i dunno where/if you can get it anymore, i just saw a tweet by megan boyle (who created MDMA films & also is in the movie) that had links to download their movies.
here is a trailer for it: http://vimeo.com/24088956
it actually has the quote in there at 1:50.
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I actually like the poem. It has a nice rhythm to it, and the imagery is good for a start. I think you can do better though by using more visceral, blood-soaked words, esp. in the third stanza. The first stanza sets up the myth thread well, but I do think the second stanza sort of comes as a surprise still, so I recommend a better lead-in. Also, more lightning/thunder/rain imagery if you really want to milk Quetz for all he's worth imo.
Any reason for "u" and not "you"?
Do you want to teach, do you want to write, or do you want to do both? If you want to teach (securely, that is, not as a random lecturer or adjunct) at a college level, you'll actually need a PhD unless you are a superstar with a bunch of well-respected publications, while for anything pre-college, you'll need a teaching certificate (but don't need an MFA as I understand it). If you want to write, you can do that and get published without getting an MFA.
Think about what you'd do with an MFA if you had one. It's not a requirement for most writerly/teaching jobs anyways, and I think it's probably more of a degree that lets you improve your writing (which, let's be honest, you can do on your own without a formal degree) than a stepping stone into a teaching position (as a PhD often is).
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Hmmm, that's not quite what I was expecting. The movie quote intrigued me; I was picturing some interesting, independent, character-driven drama about the fickleness of the human condition or something like that. But after watching the trailer... well, that's not my cup of tea.
Back to the actual topic of your blog. It really seems like you're unhappy with the current situation, so you definitely need to do something to change sooner rather than later. Sorry, I can't offer much advice or anything. I am sort of in a similar situation myself (but worse).
i watched a movie and someone said 'i am ok with dying right now but i dont know in the future if i will be ok with dying' and i thought 'i understand this'. does life seem this 'bleak' to everyone?
OK back to this one more time. My take on that is this: 'I don't enjoy my life currently, so I wouldn't care if I died today. But I may feel differently in the future because I will most likely have regrets about what I did and didn't do earlier in my life.' So life does seem kind of bleak to me.
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@babylon
i feel like i would want to teach at the college level and feel more 'satisfied' doing that than teaching below it. i am also pursuing my states alternative route to licensing since i didn't study education. i could get an MA in english instead or something but i am generally 'unsatisfied' with that portion of academia and literary theory etc. i think i will feel the same ways in an MFA program, but i feel that the requirement of me writing a creative thesis etc would give me additional 'motivation' to continue my 'ambition' further
re the poem:
it could be either way. i feel like "u" instead of "you" is more accurate in the sense that the "you" is gone and what is left is something less, and more of the idea of "you" than the actual "you" being a person. i also feel like i could be just being lazy and not typing "you" instead of "u" when i am transcribing the poem from my journal or when i am writing in my journal. my journal reads the first stanza as "it has been six months since you have left", and "i [will] sacrifice the tribes you left in me", with every other instance being "u".
re quetzacoatl being a surprise the line used to read "u are a quetzacoatl in me" instead, but i talked to a friend about it and he said it is better rhythmically etc to get rid of that article and i think he is mostly right because i feel like "u are a quetzacoatl in me" has a flatter tonality and that without the article the line pushes off more forcefully and sustains itself better.
re rain and thunder these are very interesting ideas. i havent considered this sort of stuff very much because this poem was based on a tweet of mine but feel generally unconfident in my twitter game to be able to 'publish' tweets atm. i think i might have a lines like "you are a cold dark winter in me" lying around somewhere that i might be able to fit into here, but feel generally uncomfortable as works get longer ie feel like i dont have 'control' over the poem anymore and it becomes a mes.
re 3rd stanza i originally used more of these kinds of words but i thought it got too 'overwrought' and also felt 'juvenile'. i also feel like i dont want it to be too 'bloody' because i want the main focus to be 'darkness' of the ending line in comparison to what could be a line in a love poem in the second stanza. i agree about the necessity of 'violent' 'bloody' imagery in this because its saying like "i have these feelings in me still, and i am killing them, i am raping them, i am eviscerating them, i am pulling out their hearts and drinking their blood, these feelings inside are dying a violent death" but i feel like there is a line where it becomes too much, and that there needs to be a certain amt of balance between this sentiment and the darkness of the end-lines and i am willing to be cowardly and err on the side of caution of not over-doing it and having more focus fall on the end-line than this particular set of images.
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@jetburger
the movie is an independent, character driven movie. i dunno if it's about 'the fickleness of the human condition' because im not sure that they would think that there is a 'human condition' that could be 'fickle'. i think i might have liked it a lot more than normal because i really like tao lin and megan boyle as writers and it was 'nice' to see them 'playing themselves' but for all of it's wonderful and unserious moments like calling the snacks 'the latest from lorrie moore' etc it also has less wonderful and 'serious' moments that made me think 'things' about stuff like 'relationships' and 'life' etc.
i dont know if i can define myself as 'unhappy' w my current situation either. i dont 'enjoy' what i do, it isnt 'fulfilling' to me, but i am making a lot more money than i was before. i paid off the debts i got while i was in school. i make enough money that i can live on my own, which is 'important' to me because i feel 'obligated' to move out as my dad&stepmom have kids. the work that i am doing can be a 'career' and if i stay with it i will be making as much or more than i would if i decided to pursue an 'ambition' to become a teacher, with likely less 'effort' and 'headache'.
it feels 'depressing' that my agency in the world seems to be limited to publishing on a tumblr, submitting to online lit mags, and having a twitter 'presence'. it feels 'bleak' that if i think back on my week that my highlight was probably realizing that i had been 'followed' by a writer that i think is really talented and being unsure of how they would have seen my account or gotten to my page.
but am i really 'unhappy'.. i dunno
i feel 'detached' from reality, like also unsure of what 'reality' is anymore to me.
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I work in a bank too but instead of it being 9-5, my work hours are 8-10 (14 hours). Typical Asian country mentality I guess. ):
It all depends on what are you looking for in your job. If you find it mundane and monotonous, you're probably better off doing something else that you're happier with. Maybe front-office/sales in the treasury department or something. It's more fast-paced and you deal more with clients so it's less boring. The pay is really good as well (at least it is over here), if you meet your target you could get up to 2-3 years bonus.
If you'd like a less time-consuming job, maybe go for something else. As I know, working in a bank will probably eat up more time the longer you are at the job (unless you're just content on staying put).
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EPT
