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A friend of mine and I met up to catch up for a meal tonight. We do this from time to time, as we are both very busy it can be difficult to pull away from other professional and personal commitments. It isn't out of the question that these dinners are intermittent at best, occurring every six months if we are lucky.
In the midst of the conversation, I inquired as to the status of his love life. His last relationship had ended in a very contentious and dramatic fashion with his parents coming down on him for both hiding his relationship and the fact that she was not Indian. Initially he backed off the subject, and it was drowned out by the bottle of wine at the table. At some point and time though the subject came back to my mind and I asked again for more details as to the mystery female.
I was both surprised and unsuprised to discover that the girl he is currently seeing is my ex whom I saw for more than two years. It wasn't that there was any particular predilection between the two of them at the time, but she maintained very close contact with him following the ending of our relationship.
I was mostly relieved that this occurred towards the end of the meal, as I feel I did a poor job at hiding my dismay. He, is a great guy and the relationship I had with her was imperfect at best. In all honesty they deserve one another but I am still distraught at the current state of things.
It is the oddest mixture of upset, dejection, and wanting to be happy for them I have experienced in a long time. I ended the relationship in 2009 prior to studying abroad for a year, and have been with my current girlfriend for two years. It is not that I am unhappy with her, but I resent that I was kept out of the loop with regards to this for what I was informed was at least six months.
He is the better man, and taking this in as I am now (this happened within an hour of the post) I know this is a case of pining for one while I fuck the other. I am being entirely unreasonable. It has been three years and I should be beyond over my ex at this point and time but truth be told, I have always had issues with letting go of significant others.
I am aware of the fact that were I to get back together with any of the women that have been goodly enough to sleep with me, I would be quickly and effectively reminded as to why the relationship ended in the first place. This sense that I have been dealt some kind of blow is difficult to shake.
The short version of what I aim to do is simply let it be. I see neither my ex nor this friend often enough to let it have any major impact on my life; I am really reacting to the impact of tonight's goings on. As childish and immature as it may be I plan simply to delete them as best I can from my life, this is motivated as much by personal distress as it is from my own backwards attempt to prevent myself from fucking up my own and their relationship.
I honestly wish them the best, and I will just have to work harder to process this information over the next couple days. Ugh it has been a strange night, I need to sleep on some of this. Thanks for the soapbox TL, I really don't have anyone else who would bother with this (current gf can be a bit reactionary about these things)
 
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Oh WOW, small world after all, or something to that effect?
The way you write is very interesting though in how it's so formal >.< you sound like an Enlightenment-era English erudite intellectual lamenting the unfortunate circumstances in which you have suddenly found yourself 
Wish you all the best!! :D
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Your buddy is not that great of a friend it seems. Standard man code is at least asking if you can date someones ex. Assuming both men still talk to each other, which is true for this case.
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If you wish you could probe and see if a swinger relationship is possible. That would kind of solve the problem of not fucking both of them. I don't know your girlfriend though so I would assume it is a no on that end, yet it doesn't hurt to check.
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On December 30 2012 14:59 jcroisdale wrote:
Your buddy is not that great of a friend it seems. Standard man code is at least asking if you can date someones ex. Assuming both men still talk to each other, which is true for this case.
I cannot count the amount of times I have quoted a similar sentiment, but I want so badly to allow him the benefit of the doubt. He has been a great friend, and truth be told I always felt myself more responsible for the general downward trajectory of our friendship than may be justifiable.
I am just going to put as much distance as I can between myself and the aforementioned friend and ex.
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I really think that your bud should have told you this earlier. He should have told you he kept in contact with her, and he should have told you that they were going out. You are being unreasonable but he was asking for it. IMO, you should give him a backhand to the face verbally about this, then just let it go and say it's ok, it's been too long for you to be emotionally involved with her. I wish you the best, this happened to me somewhat, and what I'm saying isn't the right thing to do. The right thing is to wish them both luck and tell them that you are good with it. The one that will make you feel good is what I said. Pick the red pill or the blue pill, your choice.
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I would recommend you try and be as happy as you can with your current partner. Of course, the bond that is formed when one gets into a relationship with someone can more often than not become transcendental, so to speak, specially if one has engaged in intercourse with this person; in one way or another, you are bound to them for life. However, try and focus on the positive aspects of your past relationships and discard the negative ones. This way you may achieve total internal peace.
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On December 30 2012 14:59 jcroisdale wrote:
Your buddy is not that great of a friend it seems. Standard man code is at least asking if you can date someones ex. Assuming both men still talk to each other, which is true for this case.
I'm sorry, but this is high school code, not life code. The most a man has to do is say, "Hey bro, I've been dating your ex... and it's going well... just wanted to tell you..." He does not need permission to date a single woman. She's not property and he has lost his "privileges" of use when the originally broke up. It's awkward and and it sucks, but if two people are compatible or like each other even slightly, should they alter their actions because of their past regarding a guy who has himself already moved on to another woman?
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On December 30 2012 16:46 MountainDewJunkie wrote:Show nested quote +On December 30 2012 14:59 jcroisdale wrote:
Your buddy is not that great of a friend it seems. Standard man code is at least asking if you can date someones ex. Assuming both men still talk to each other, which is true for this case. I'm sorry, but this is high school code, not life code. The most a man has to do is say, "Hey bro, I've been dating your ex... and it's going well... just wanted to tell you..." He does not need permission to date a single woman. She's not property and he has lost his "privileges" of use when the originally broke up. It's awkward and and it sucks, but if two people are compatible or like each other even slightly, should they alter their actions because of their past regarding a guy who has himself already moved on to another woman?
I agree.
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On December 30 2012 16:46 MountainDewJunkie wrote:Show nested quote +On December 30 2012 14:59 jcroisdale wrote:
Your buddy is not that great of a friend it seems. Standard man code is at least asking if you can date someones ex. Assuming both men still talk to each other, which is true for this case. I'm sorry, but this is high school code, not life code. The most a man has to do is say, "Hey bro, I've been dating your ex... and it's going well... just wanted to tell you..." He does not need permission to date a single woman. She's not property and he has lost his "privileges" of use when the originally broke up. It's awkward and and it sucks, but if two people are compatible or like each other even slightly, should they alter their actions because of their past regarding a guy who has himself already moved on to another woman?
I somewhat agree with this, but somewhat disagree.
Sure, he did not need to ask permission. I completely agree with that aspect of it. They are both adults who can make their own choices and do whatever they want.
But let's not forget that him and his buddy are supposed to be "friends". As a friend it would have still been ideal to at least make sure he was aware of this, not for permission but to prevent him from getting hurt like this in the end. It's a lot more shocking to find out something hurtful like this and that makes it hurt all the more. Not to mention finding out that someone you consider a friend actually hid this from you makes it hurt even further (and his friend even tried to veer away from it during their conversation). The longer somethings hid from you the more shocking and betrayed it makes you feel in the end.
If someone you know hides something from you, and then once you find out and the conversation includes the sentiment "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you", that's a very common cop-out that's a pretty sure sign of a betrayal. In reality hiding something only hurts the other person even more. If his friend really did not want to hurt him, he wouldn't have hid it from him.
Basically his friend gave him a nice big serving of betrayal, and in that situation it's normal to be upset when finding out what he did. It not only is a betrayal as a friend, but look at all the old feelings it brought up from his ex. That would not be happening if his friend acted like a friend.
In response to the OP... I give you a lot of credit for keeping your cool as much as you have. Don't fool yourself in to thinking your being childish, your staying pretty classy through this and handling things how an adult should. But personally, if it was me I would let your friend know exactly why you are going to try to keep your distance from them... You don't have to be a dick about it, but you should at least be straight up and speak your mind about what's going on.
The reason I suggest that: You need to resolve the situation and it's going to be very hard to move on and distance yourself without being open to the person who hurt you. If you want to successfully distance yourself from something in your life, resolving things is super important. It don't matter if its a friendship, a relationship, or even if you are going in to rehab. If you don't resolve things they will cause problems in the future. Not doing so would only eat at you, and you at least deserve to speak your mind about what happened rather than holding it in. It will be far easier to deal with things if you say what you have to and then part ways on somewhat-friendly terms (and he may be understanding about the whole thing making it easier to stay away from them), and it will prevent this situation from disappearing for awhile but reappearing all over again next time he tries to contact you in 6 months and making all these hurt feelings come back again full force.
Hope that helps, not that you need the help probably, considering how you are handling the situation it sounds like you will be fine in time anyway.
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Wrong. Betrayal is a friend sleeping with your existing girlfriend, or perhaps, being her rebound immediately after you.
Betrayal is not them dating someone whom you've already dated and left years ago.
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On December 31 2012 02:46 MountainDewJunkie wrote:
Wrong. Betrayal is a friend sleeping with your existing girlfriend, or perhaps, being her rebound immediately after you.
Betrayal is not them dating someone whom you've already dated and left years ago.
You wouldn't be saying that if you found out one of your friends has been hiding something from you for 3 years.
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Friends don't hide these sorts of things from each other. Seems pretty simple to me.
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On December 31 2012 05:37 Spyridon wrote:Show nested quote +On December 31 2012 02:46 MountainDewJunkie wrote:
Wrong. Betrayal is a friend sleeping with your existing girlfriend, or perhaps, being her rebound immediately after you.
Betrayal is not them dating someone whom you've already dated and left years ago. You wouldn't be saying that if you found out one of your friends has been hiding something from you for 3 years.
I actually have a similar experience to the OP, but I'm not going to blog about it. But congrats on the attempt nonetheless.
And how good of friends can these two be? You have to be REALLY out of the loop to not notice this lol
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On December 30 2012 16:46 MountainDewJunkie wrote:Show nested quote +On December 30 2012 14:59 jcroisdale wrote:
Your buddy is not that great of a friend it seems. Standard man code is at least asking if you can date someones ex. Assuming both men still talk to each other, which is true for this case. I'm sorry, but this is high school code, not life code. The most a man has to do is say, "Hey bro, I've been dating your ex... and it's going well... just wanted to tell you..." He does not need permission to date a single woman. She's not property and he has lost his "privileges" of use when the originally broke up. It's awkward and and it sucks, but if two people are compatible or like each other even slightly, should they alter their actions because of their past regarding a guy who has himself already moved on to another woman?
Its called being respectful, I can see that you do not completely grasp that idea. He is not asking for premission, he is asking out of respect. This has nothing to do with age but everything to don with being mature. Now the friendship these two had is gone. The same way people ask for the parents blessing before getting married. Even if the parents say no its not likely that the couple would stop seeing each other.
This type of actions and gestures fall under the category of chivalry. Chivalry seems to be falling away from the norm currently, and more people are becoming like you.
edit: After reading more of your posts it seems evident that you have never been in a similar situation. Once you have been in his shoes or had an ex GF that one of your friends is interested you might have a better chance at understanding.
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EPT
