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Looking at yourself from the perspective of another will teach you a great deal. Things that seem so normal, reasonable, things that seem totally justified, that seem to be a mere fact of life, a hard kernel of truth or beyond the realm of possibility.
All these things can and will melt away.
Autism
Autism, or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), sometimes referred to as Asperger's Syndrome, is a 'lifelong developmental disability that affects how a person communicates with, and relates to, other people.'
ASD is undergoing somewhat of a revision currently with the change in its entry in the International Classification of Diseases (forthcoming ICD-11). The importance of this change however should not be overstated, and it consists more in a simplification/clarification of the disorder from a diagnostic perspective. It retains the same defining characteristics, summarized below by The National Autistic Society (UK) are the 'triad of impairments' experienced by someone with Autism:
- difficulty with social communication
- difficulty with social interaction
- difficulty with social imagination
In addition to these impairments ASD is characterized by 'restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped' behavior.
So, what does this actually mean for someone with Autism, and particularly for me?
This is a question I hope to give some thought to in this blog. Astute readers will also notice the '?' next to 'Autism' in the title to this blog entry; I do not have a formal diagnosis, however early in the new year I intend to speak to my GP to arrange an appointment with a clinical psychologist to set the ball rolling - though more on this later.
It should be fairly obvious then that I consider myself to suffer from ASD, or at least that I consider it important to explore and rule out its possibility, due to experiencing difficulties in the fore mentioned impairments.
But firstly, why - or as may become relevant how - have I come this far in my life without the possibility of ASD being raised by my parents, teachers or doctors in my early childhood. This in turn prompts the question - why am I considering it a possibility now?
Addressing the former - why hasn't autism been raised previously?
I want to avoid getting myself bogged down in the historical intricacies of the development of autism, interesting as it may be this is a well trodden defense mechanism of mine when approaching personal issues: to explore the absolute most obscure angle possible thus avoiding the core - once when I wanted to prove to my wife I wished improve my emotional understanding and empathy towards her and others, instead to joining a local support group, speaking to a councilor or doctor or buying a self-help book, I borrowed 10+ books from an academic library on subjects ranging from Greek philosophy to research into emotive language in the social sciences. All objective, disinterested discourse. lol.
Autism is usually diagnosed in early childhood; in the UK this is usually instigated by either parents or doctors upon noticing traits of alarm and pursuing screening, in the US all children receive screening I believe.
I was my parents' first child followed by two brothers, so perhaps my parents didn't have an example of what 'normal' developments should be. This, coupled with the major developments in diagnosis that came into effect in the '90s, may have meant that I 'missed the boat' when it came to the prime age for diagnosis. Perhaps I had already developed my own strategies for coping with and masking my impairments. My primary school was also fairly rubbish and failed its Ofsted report twice I believe, I went undiagnosed with dyslexia until the very final stages of my Master's Degree so I was very used to coping with issues entirely on my own.
Suffice it to say then that due to early developments in the identification of autism, my ability to mimic expected behavior and as well as whatever other variables, like many adults my age only now have I come to attribute the difficulties I have to cope with in my everyday life to autism.
Shaking of my disinterested, objective air is hard, so I will jump in and discuss some personal anecdotes in order to illustrate the severity of the difficulties I encounter everyday and attempt to rationalize finally why they have only become visible now.
Patch 1.5
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/hPmaK.jpg)
Blizz, I blame you.
I deal with change very, very badly. The past few months have put an incredible strain on wife and I: our landlord effectively chucked us out of our new home because of a change in his 'personal circumstances' (he was greedy) and me getting a new job (promotion and pay rise, woo) closer to where we live being two fairly significant changes.
But the change that set me off on a spiraling series of erratic behaviors that's only just really coming to a halt occurred with patch 1.5 for SC2.
I play SC2 for an hour or two every evening undertaking some not too spectacular maneuvers as zerg. I also use a Macbook Pro (then) running on clunky and obsolete OS 10.5.8. When patch 1.5 came out 10.5 was no longer supported so I lost my 1-2 hours of SC2 a day (!). My day started to fall apart as I would get home from work and be unable to structure my evening properly being unable to unwind as I had previous done. I therefore became increasingly anxious, lost and unable to focus, and saw my friends less and less.
I'm now back but the effect was profound. And it really demonstrated to me how dependent upon a regular, structured routine I am.
Being Social
Another very telling anecdote from the past year was my nephew's Christening.
This was by and large an incredibly intimidating endurance test for me: members of my family I was meeting for the first time, a ceremony and environment full of unwritten rules with plenty of scope to make any kind social faux pas, a buffet which my brother-in-law very kindly put on with a vegetarian selection for me (spotlighting my presence at the event and precipitating endless conversations where I have to explain and justify my eating habits - why would anyone think that this is appropriate?).
The event as a whole went fairly badly. Usually I tend to drink alcohol at social gatherings to loosen myself up and give me a bit confidence (whether this actually has the desired effect or just lessens my perception of my difficulties is unclear), it is also a 'normal' thing for people to do at these gatherings. But alcohol tends to just compound the problem.
Once I use up the formalities and particularities of what brings us together conversations usually devolve into me reciting random facts, issues or concepts that interest me without letting anyone get a word in edgeways, or me mindlessly agreeing with whatever is being said. Socializing and speaking with people, especially new people, is extremely tiring both mentally and physically because I need to focus my gaze, minimize tics/odd distracting movements as well as constantly put incredible conscious effort into figuring out the appropriate response or question to ask. The image below sums this up exactly:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Rhzbv.jpg)
This method is prone to breakdown though:
Interlocutor: Did you see that show on TV the other night?
Deleuze: There are approximately 1500 known strains of yeast which are thought to account for 1% of all species of fungus.
This exchange actually happened. Drinking mixed with my exhaustion from interacting with numerous people, having to repeat the same questions and exert significant effort into remembering peoples names and faces meant that I became very tired early on at the gathering after the ceremony. On top of this I gained the irrational belief that the priest was desperate to convert me to Christianity (I honestly have no idea where the fuck that popped into my head from). I therefore disappeared into the living room and fell asleep.
I tend not to respond to such situations/events (or anything for that matter) in an aggressive, passionate or overt way - more I just tend to diminish myself and go into a kind of hiding, both literal and emotional, shutting my self off from those around me (or making sure there isn't anyone around me). As you could probably imagine this puts an enormous amount of pressure on my wife.
Jokes
I like jokes. When I used to work in the theatre I'd love the 'crack,' the practice jokes, the in-jokes, the names and the funny faces. I am very happy watching jokes unfold, I don't do so well when participating in them, either by making my own jokes or being the butt of a joke. I've made verbal jokes that approximate to images from this thread.
The jokes I like are all very self-consciously 'jokes' and are steadily reinforced as jokes through repetition, which I why I like in-jokes and practical jokes - it's easy to see that they are jokes.
I don't do so well when it comes to irony and it's evil twin sarcasm. If fact I do terribly. My previous boss once made a fairly inappropriate joke about my wife and I sub-letting the shed in our new home to an illegal immigrant, instead of me laughing or what-have-you I calmly explained that it would be far too cold during winter for someone to live in there.
So what does this really mean for me and for who I am?
I'm so glad I've started this blog, things are really coming out, I hope that I'm able to keep from losing motivation. There's so much more I have to say, about how I struggle to both recognize my emotional state and to express/show my emotions, about how every social occasion brings its challenges, about how I have never seen these issues for what they are simply because I see myself as normal and misrecognize other peoples' response to what I say and how I behave. But the greatest -no, the saddest thing, is this I can clearly see before me an insurmountable gap between myself and everyone else. This is not a gap in a metaphysical sense, it is a literally gap between the way in which I perceive myself and how I understand my relationship with others; to be figurative, it is analogous to shortsightedness, not matter how hard I look at something before me I am only able to perceive a certain level of definition, anything beyond that I am blind to.
But anyway, what do I hope to achieve through this blog? It's already proven very useful in me clarifying my thoughts - this will be beneficial in preparation of my meeting with a clinical psychologist.
And yes, maybe I'll have my meeting and they'll say no, I don't have autism - but that's fine, at least one avenue has been crossed of my list in dealing with how I experience my life.
I'll continue to update on how my meeting with the clinical psychologist goes, events that take place in my life and which challenge me plus how I overcome them and anything else that seems relevant or illuminating.
Thanks for reading, let me know what you think, ask any questions or if you have been through similar experiences I'd love to hear from you.
Deleuze
  
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You are not autistic. Just saying.... "wow I have difficulty in social situations and I am averse to change" doesn't make you autistic. MANY people don't "get" jokes, many people are awkward in social situations, and almost nobody likes change.
Just because you read some stuff about autism and think that you 'fit the criteria' doesn't make you autistic. The fact that you can even write this blog and have made it this far in life shows that you are not actually autistic.
My little cousin is autistic, he's 20 years old and can barely do basic math, can hardly write a coherent sentence, and can't work at a job without being constantly supervised, and he struggles with small tasks at his job such as working at a cash register, making coffee, or cleaning tables.
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On November 25 2012 07:17 Xeris wrote:
You are not autistic. Just saying.... "wow I have difficulty in social situations and I am averse to change" doesn't make you autistic. MANY people don't "get" jokes, many people are awkward in social situations, and almost nobody likes change.
Just because you read some stuff about autism and think that you 'fit the criteria' doesn't make you autistic. The fact that you can even write this blog and have made it this far in life shows that you are not actually autistic.
My little cousin is autistic, he's 20 years old and can barely do basic math, can hardly write a coherent sentence, and can't work at a job without being constantly supervised, and he struggles with small tasks at his job such as working at a cash register, making coffee, or cleaning tables.
Thank you for reading my blog entry and posting Xeris. Yes, you may be right, I've not yet discussed this with a professional and there could be a whole host of other related clinical and non-clinical reasons underlying my personal experiences.
I hope that I did not come across as overly dramatic?
I will say this however, I am a grown-up and have not taken these thoughts lightly. This is a serious issue that I will be approaching my doctor about with the full intention of gaining a meaningful conclusion. It is not an immature ego-driven attempt to give myself a sense of being special or of asserting my difference. I really mean this and have given this serious consideration.
I am very sorry to hear of the difficulties experienced by your cousin. As a spectrum ASD covers a range of severity of the disability: High-Function Autism refers to the end of the spectrum where sufferers exhibit traits but have average or above average intelligence and are able to led relatively normal lives. One of the charities I have been in contact with incorporates a conference service delivered entirely by people on the spectrum, everything from events organization and actually standing up and delivering a panel/lecture series.
While the difficulties experienced your cousin are evidently acute this does not invalidate the experiences of others on the High-Functioning end of the spectrum.
I do understand that self-diagnosis should be avoided and going into a consultation with the expectation of a diagnosis is a bad idea. This is something I am keenly aware of and have deliberated over much time. However, with regards to adult diagnosis of ASD this is essentially the only means by which issues can be brought to the attention of a health care professional and a valid diagnosis obtained.
As well as what I have disclosed above there are significant which amount to far more than simply language and social difficulties. I have had my fair share of contact with mental health services throughout my life.
I am undertaking this route to diagnosis in order to either close a door or open a door and this is something I wish to share in the form of a blog here, however with all due respect please refrain from diagnosing me on the basis of a few words on a website - this is something neither you nor I are qualified to do, which is why I wish to seek professional contact.
Thank you for your thoughts, and for sharing your cousin's story.
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On November 25 2012 07:17 Xeris wrote:
You are not autistic. Just saying.... "wow I have difficulty in social situations and I am averse to change" doesn't make you autistic. MANY people don't "get" jokes, many people are awkward in social situations, and almost nobody likes change.
Just because you read some stuff about autism and think that you 'fit the criteria' doesn't make you autistic. The fact that you can even write this blog and have made it this far in life shows that you are not actually autistic.
My little cousin is autistic, he's 20 years old and can barely do basic math, can hardly write a coherent sentence, and can't work at a job without being constantly supervised, and he struggles with small tasks at his job such as working at a cash register, making coffee, or cleaning tables.
He's mainly pointing to autism spectrum disorder though, aspbergers syndrome. Besides people with high functioning autism is definitely capable of doing basic math and writing coherent sentences. You definitely don't have cancer! my little cousin had cancer and he died.
edit: i wrote this before i saw the above reply^
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On November 25 2012 07:17 Xeris wrote:
You are not autistic. Just saying.... "wow I have difficulty in social situations and I am averse to change" doesn't make you autistic. MANY people don't "get" jokes, many people are awkward in social situations, and almost nobody likes change.
Just because you read some stuff about autism and think that you 'fit the criteria' doesn't make you autistic. The fact that you can even write this blog and have made it this far in life shows that you are not actually autistic.
My little cousin is autistic, he's 20 years old and can barely do basic math, can hardly write a coherent sentence, and can't work at a job without being constantly supervised, and he struggles with small tasks at his job such as working at a cash register, making coffee, or cleaning tables.
You clearly know a LOT less about autistic spectrum disorder than the original writer of this thread. High functioning autism, aspergers, etc ARE entirely forms of autism. ASD puts no cap whatsoever on IQ.
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I've met several autistic ppl when I visited a autism village. I don't think any of them is capable of making a thread on the Internet.
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You aren't autistic. I have an autistic uncle who is considered a minor case, you aren't even aspburgers. You sound like you are OCD, and you might have some nueroticism, not hysteria, and possibly social issues that are characterized by a social awkwardness. Those aren't autism, and most people have those. You should see a psychologist before you self-diagnose because labelling theory is quite strong, and people become what they believe they are.
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One thing about Aspies is that they have something they become completely obsessed with. For some, it's one thing for their whole life, while for others, it changes, kind of like an ADHD Aspie. What's your obsession? Mine, right now, is the foreign exchange markets. I can sit there literally all day without food or water or going to the bathroom and just play with the charts and find all these neat things.
There are people who are in the Autism spectrum who can very clearly write. (Talking is another thing.) If you think otherwise, then look at some of the greatest scientists in the world, some of the greatest (not good wise) leaders in the world, and even corporate leaders.
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I scored 4 points above the average on an online Autism Spectrum test thingy, maybe I have autism too!
oh no.
+ Show Spoiler +If you caught the sarcasm, you are likely not autistic
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On November 25 2012 12:24 DigiGnar wrote:
One thing about Aspies is that they have something they become completely obsessed with. For some, it's one thing for their whole life, while for others, it changes, kind of like an ADHD Aspie. What's your obsession? Mine, right now, is the foreign exchange markets. I can sit there literally all day without food or water or going to the bathroom and just play with the charts and find all these neat things.
There are people who are in the Autism spectrum who can very clearly write. (Talking is another thing.) If you think otherwise, then look at some of the greatest scientists in the world, some of the greatest (not good wise) leaders in the world, and even corporate leaders.
For about the past 5-6 years I have collected books, mainly science fiction from the SF Masterworks series and European Modernist literature as well as continental and mordern philosophy. I tend not to read them, though and instead spend my time organizing them on my bookcases. I'm also obsessed about buying things as cheaply as possible so I only collect these second hand (I can't purchase books online, even if they're a penny, I just end up fill my basket full of books but never checking out).
Around 4 years ago I started to get in to comic books and am going strong still. I don't like superhero comics as invariably I stumble upon these series mid-way through, which is unacceptable as I can only collect them from the beginning. I therefore collect small press and independent comics that are produced as one offs or anthologized graphic novels.
What I enjoy doing is organizing them on my bookcases and keeping folders of the small comics. There are many different ways to organize them, such as by (primary) author/artist, title, subject matter and also by size and colour. Library metadata is useful as well.
When I was a child I was obsessed by dinosaurs and used to trace them religiously from a dinosaur book I had and would read the details of each of the dinosaurs (height, weight, speed etc) and follow the various evolutionary paths. Throughout my life I have collected stones and fossils, and line them up on shelves or windowsills.
I also generate lots of 'micro' interests that crop up and disappear over short term periods, for a few months I was obsessed by an 18thC English print-maker/engraver called Thomas Bewick who was famous for wood-engravings depicting wildlife from the British Isles. He was a real pioneer of the craft as well as an accomplished naturalist, my interest in him began when I saw an exhibition of his work in the British Museum, particularly his work on memorializing prize bovine for their owners and an engraving of a wild Chillingham bull:
http://www.bewicksociety.org/galleries/publications/largeprints/bull800.html
But this subsided for what ever reason I'm not sure. I never really got into collecting records or following music as this had a very social element to it - my friends would normally tell me about music and I'd just start listening to it. However right now I am collecting classical music using Shostakovich as a reference point, amassing music by Litoslawski, Schoneberg, Tchaikovsky and Alban Berg. This is great as they are all freely available at most academic libraries and I can use the internet to research connections rather than having to speak to people. I got into Shostakovich because I heard a radio documentary about him two years ago. I'm also shamefully obsessed by F5ing certain threads on TL, yet never really posting or contributing.
These obsessions tend to take over my life to varying degrees, if I'm distracted when I'm engrossed in an activity I really struggle to understand where I am, I literally feel lost in space like I've woken up and can't remember who I am. It takes me a good 30 seconds to understand the question and what I should do.
What is it that interests you in foreign exchange markets? Were you diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder as a child or did this happen later i your life (if at all)?
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Seriously, some of these responses.
Someone has a problem is finding a way of dealing with it
The standard response is some guy who has no problems, comes in and says "no, you're wrong, it's all YOUR fault, you're misdiagnosing yourself, you don't have any wrong personality traits, it's just that you're a bad person etc.etc.etc."
It's shit like that that pushes people closer to that side of the spectrum into depression and more into believing the bullshit that it's just their fault and that they should be fixing it but arn't because they are lazy/bad person etc.
And if you don't think that's what you're saying, well sorry bud, but that's exactly what the thread maker, and anyone else who suffers similar problems hears.
Seriously, theres something called a spectrum. Push introversion and aspergers or autism to the extreme, and you get cases of people completely unable in every way to function in daily life.
Some people have it mild. Some people don't have it at all and are the complete opposite
There a minority subset of people, who can function semi-normally in daily life, but have extreme introversion qualities, find it very hard to socialise, and all share extremely niche personality traits. These people are normal enough to not be considered "diagnosed" with everything, but are different enough to be shunned by society, find it frustrating to fit into daily life and are generally the subset of people that get bullied by society into depression.
Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be forced to conciously act in a way that isn't yourself 24/7 for your entire life? That the moment you relax and try and be what you think is "normal" and act "yourself", everyone around you hates you? People label you as "a bad person" with "no empathy". The complete inability to understand sarcasm (much worse in english speaking countries than chinese i might add)
/rant
Stuff like this gets on my nerves.
I'm lucky in a lot of ways. My job is a desk job which involves talking to nobody 99% of the time and just concentrating on my own thing. It helps a lot. I'm totally unable to hold down a normal job or a normal set of friends because i can't just lie about who i am to every single person all day long
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After a whole summer of depression I also think that I myself could have a minor form of aperger's autism (I considered many other possibilities, like bipolar depression, borderline, etc.) I realized this after 2 years I tried to be "normal" and just lost more contact to friends then ever before. I tried to concentrate longer on lectures in university, make some real progress ... instead I just got depressions.
But then I just realized how awkward I was in school the whole time (At the time I never considered myself that weird, I had some nerdy friends, was not really bullied, but maybe only because I did not even understand people would bully me and so they stopped because I showed no reaction). I had therapies like logotherapy, ergotherapy and some kind of social therapy (?) to be more normal. Nobody said to me "Why are you acting so weird?", but I never was invited to that many parties while some of my other friends were. I can talk ages with some people about specific things, but I can't really seem to understand the meaning of small talk (or better, not the meaning but what it is about small talk that let's people walk away from you amidst a sentence ... whatever that means)
It seems like many of my problems would be explained with just that one word: "Asperger's Autism", but still ... not every prejudice about autism is true for me (and after I read in an autism's forum, it seems for other people as well). I understand sarcasm, irony is sometimes like my second name. Still I can't seem to remember faces.
Also empathy: There is a difference: between reading people's faces and knowing how they feel and how to react to that (I still don't know if that just is a case of "learning" or if it is intuitive for "normal" people), and the ability to really feel what they feel if you know what exactly they feel (what i can do really good, maybe even too good) I also read newer articles that it seems like autistic people have so much empathy they can't cope with.
Autism would just really be a good box I fit in with some of my problems (and I would never be called again the most lazy person on the planet). But ... whatever it is, I have no idea. And still I feel as I would be normal, but the people who are considered "normal" don't seem to think so.
What is normal anyways?
And something else: Fo the last two years I was not obsessed with anything specific. Now that I feel better after taking antidepressiva I can't seem to get away from autism and other psychological studies, lol.
edit: I just realized I was wrong. I was really obsessed with Game of Thrones  , far from normally involved (but still not as much involved as some in the fandom.) Just this summer I was not really obsessed with anything because I drifted into depression.
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Psychologists don't know that much, if you have done a lot of independent research on autism it's not unlikely that you'll be more informed than them on some issues. Diagnosing people is often a bit random, I've been diagnosed with PDD:NOS (which is a form of autism) and I had a look at the report that was written for my diagnosis and I couldn't exactly recognize myself in there. I felt very uncomfortable during the sessions and I behaved more strangely than I do normally, I was also frustrated by the way the conversation went and that's why I adopted some weird stances that later ended up in the report. For instance, those with autism might have very rigid beliefs about the way the world should work, they can't always empathize with others, and this might reflect in something like music taste: your music taste is the only one that's actually good and the rest of the world simply doesn't understand. We discussed this, but since I've been quite into music for a long time and I know a lot about it, I couldn't help but state that I really do think I have more refined taste in these sort of things. I felt like it was true saying it, but at the same time I couldn't say it since it would allow her to put another mark on her checklist.
Another example is my historic tendency to be quite obsessed with single topics and then spending all my energy on them. By itself this is obviously not enough to diagnose anyone, but it's still another sign that would allow the psychologist to make the case. I used to be quite obsessed with e.g. music, Harry Potter, Pokemon. I know a lot of people have been, but I would literally read blogs and discussions about them all my waking moments when I was ~14/16 - when I first discovered the internet- way beyond what any of my classmates would do. At the same time I can't help but wonder if this tendency to obsess was more of a coping mechanism on my part to deal with being discontent at school, so I actually don't know if it's really a good argument in favor of my having autism and as such it's a bit frustrating to find it as a centerpiece in the case for me having it in the report. It's probably accurate though, I was obsessive in the same way even when I was younger, so it's not just something I developed as a teenager.
I know a few people with autism, because I do volunteer work at sort of a work program, where it's possible to do educational courses under supervision (I double as tutor and tech support). It's amusing to see how some people are more typical cases than others, I met someone who literally would not shut up about his random selection of facts ever, so I think he was very much like the stereotypical person with asperger syndrome. Another person was intelligent enough, but he had a lot of trouble with speaking, he was often inaudible and would stutter a bit. Other people were generally annoyed every time there was noise, deviation from routines, were quickly irritated, were often very occupied with their own fancies. (a nicer word than 'obsessions', really)
In my case, I was easy enough to diagnose, I think. I have strange speech patterns, often an inability to have a conversation without stuttering or being unable to come up with words, my voice is soft and weak. I get anxiety attacks if I'm in stressful environment, which includes any environment with more than a few people when I'm feeling even a little bit irritated (for instance a classroom, bars, even family gatherings). For literally every class I've been in since I was a teenager I was the obvious odd one out, the person that was always last in finding project groups, in having friends. I would never go out, I didn't drink, go to parties. I would occasionally go to a birthday party of a classmate (since I guess it would be rude to not invite me) and then just sit there for an hour quietly contemplating my life and then find an excuse to leave. I'm still rather socially inept, I don't think I'll ever have a girlfriend, I don't know if I'll ever be able to hold an actual job. I did volunteer work at an asylum once, and I was always very happy to just hang around the cats - a lot more than the people, so maybe that's an option for me. I have one irl friend, which I see maybe once a month, just because I was lucky enough for him to be the son of our neighbors when I was young, so we go way back.
I do have a theory about autism. I think many of the peculiar behaviors associated with asperger are just symptons of an underlying difference in brain chemistry. When you're young you develop in a certain way, and I think that with autism it means you develop different strategies for a lot of things, which will then inform your behavior later on. I don't know if there is a completely lineair correlation to 'underlying brain differences' -> 'different behavior', I think that might be different for every case. I think if there is something to me that is a clear sign that I have these sort of things, it's that I'm not good at absorbing sensory input at all and I often need to 'refresh' by depriving myself of it completely. (that's why I often hide in the bathroom during breaks). In class I can no longer cope with new information after about an hour, I won't understand anything the teacher is telling after that point, in a social situation there is a clear difference between three, four, five etc. people that are discussing things. If two people are talking to me at once I don't even hear anything. If in my work environment there is chaos I need to clean up before I can concentrate, if in something I read there is bad grammar it bothers me to the point where I need to read something else, and so on.
It's just a theory though, but I did read that people with autism have actual physical differences from regular people, so I don't think it's far-fetched.
I think regardless of whether you get a diagnosis, a lot of the outward symptons of autism are clearly fixable though.
Having the diagnosis was helpful though. Before I used to know I was weird, but there was no reason behind it, so I was just weird. Now I know I have a mostly well understood and socially accepted small handicap that's obnoxious, but nothing I can't cope with, and in fact I can work to overcome it.
I do want to say that the 'ponderings' of so many people with minor social difficulties whether they perhaps have autism does annoy me on some level. "I was a bit weird at school and didn't have many friends, and I used to obsess about comic books" is not enough by itself. I used to have weeks where I would not talk to anyone, then if I did talk to anyone and I felt like it was even slightly uncomfortable I would spend hours lying in bed crying. At one point I hated going to school so much that I overdosed on my father's medication and became very sick. I would often skip school and then I would go to a nearby forest and wander through there, alternating with crying. I have never in my life been able to go to an actual party and do anything other than trying my hardest to shut down all the noise and find excuses to leave - and I would always come early just to be seen so I could get depart before it became too chaotic. To this day I still have nightmares about high school. :/ (Obviously, people can have legitimate issues even if they aren't as severe as mine.)
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On November 25 2012 22:32 blooming_flower wrote:
Psychologists don't know that much, if you have done a lot of independent research on autism it's not unlikely that you'll be more informed than them on some issues. Diagnosing people is often a bit random, I've been diagnosed with PDD:NOS (which is a form of autism) and I had a look at the report that was written for my diagnosis and I couldn't exactly recognize myself in there. I felt very uncomfortable during the sessions and I behaved more strangely than I do normally, I was also frustrated by the way the conversation went and that's why I adopted some weird stances that later ended up in the report. For instance, those with autism might have very rigid beliefs about the way the world should work, they can't always empathize with others, and this might reflect in something like music taste: your music taste is the only one that's actually good and the rest of the world simply doesn't understand. We discussed this, but since I've been quite into music for a long time and I know a lot about it, I couldn't help but state that I really do think I have more refined taste in these sort of things. I felt like it was true saying it, but at the same time I couldn't say it since it would allow her to put another mark on her checklist.
Another example is my historic tendency to be quite obsessed with single topics and then spending all my energy on them. By itself this is obviously not enough to diagnose anyone, but it's still another sign that would allow the psychologist to make the case. I used to be quite obsessed with e.g. music, Harry Potter, Pokemon. I know a lot of people have been, but I would literally read blogs and discussions about them all my waking moments when I was ~14/16 - when I first discovered the internet- way beyond what any of my classmates would do. At the same time I can't help but wonder if this tendency to obsess was more of a coping mechanism on my part to deal with being discontent at school, so I actually don't know if it's really a good argument in favor of my having autism and as such it's a bit frustrating to find it as a centerpiece in the case for me having it in the report. It's probably accurate though, I was obsessive in the same way even when I was younger, so it's not just something I developed as a teenager.
I know a few people with autism, because I do volunteer work at sort of a work program, where it's possible to do educational courses under supervision (I double as tutor and tech support). It's amusing to see how some people are more typical cases than others, I met someone who literally would not shut up about his random selection of facts ever, so I think he was very much like the stereotypical person with asperger syndrome. Another person was intelligent enough, but he had a lot of trouble with speaking, he was often inaudible and would stutter a bit. Other people were generally annoyed every time there was noise, deviation from routines, were quickly irritated, were often very occupied with their own fancies. (a nicer word than 'obsessions', really)
In my case, I was easy enough to diagnose, I think. I have strange speech patterns, often an inability to have a conversation without stuttering or being unable to come up with words, my voice is soft and weak. I get anxiety attacks if I'm in stressful environment, which includes any environment with more than a few people when I'm feeling even a little bit irritated (for instance a classroom, bars, even family gatherings). For literally every class I've been in since I was a teenager I was the obvious odd one out, the person that was always last in finding project groups, in having friends. I would never go out, I didn't drink, go to parties. I would occasionally go to a birthday party of a classmate (since I guess it would be rude to not invite me) and then just sit there for an hour quietly contemplating my life and then find an excuse to leave. I'm still rather socially inept, I don't think I'll ever have a girlfriend, I don't know if I'll ever be able to hold an actual job. I did volunteer work at an asylum once, and I was always very happy to just hang around the cats - a lot more than the people, so maybe that's an option for me. I have one irl friend, which I see maybe once a month, just because I was lucky enough for him to be the son of our neighbors when I was young, so we go way back.
I do have a theory about autism. I think many of the peculiar behaviors associated with asperger are just symptons of an underlying difference in brain chemistry. When you're young you develop in a certain way, and I think that with autism it means you develop different strategies for a lot of things, which will then inform your behavior later on. I don't know if there is a completely lineair correlation to 'underlying brain differences' -> 'different behavior', I think that might be different for every case. I think if there is something to me that is a clear sign that I have these sort of things, it's that I'm not good at absorbing sensory input at all and I often need to 'refresh' by depriving myself of it completely. (that's why I often hide in the bathroom during breaks). In class I can no longer cope with new information after about an hour, I won't understand anything the teacher is telling after that point, in a social situation there is a clear difference between three, four, five etc. people that are discussing things. If two people are talking to me at once I don't even hear anything. If in my work environment there is chaos I need to clean up before I can concentrate, if in something I read there is bad grammar it bothers me to the point where I need to read something else, and so on.
It's just a theory though, but I did read that people with autism have actual physical differences from regular people, so I don't think it's far-fetched.
I think regardless of whether you get a diagnosis, a lot of the outward symptons of autism are clearly fixable though.
Having the diagnosis was helpful though. Before I used to know I was weird, but there was no reason behind it, so I was just weird. Now I know I have a mostly well understood and socially accepted small handicap that's obnoxious, but nothing I can't cope with, and in fact I can work to overcome it.
I do want to say that the 'ponderings' of so many people with minor social difficulties whether they perhaps have autism does annoy me on some level. "I was a bit weird at school and didn't have many friends, and I used to obsess about comic books" is not enough by itself. I used to have weeks where I would not talk to anyone, then if I did talk to anyone and I felt like it was even slightly uncomfortable I would spend hours lying in bed crying. At one point I hated going to school so much that I overdosed on my father's medication and became very sick. I would often skip school and then I would go to a nearby forest and wander through there, alternating with crying. I have never in my life been able to go to an actual party and do anything other than trying my hardest to shut down all the noise and find excuses to leave - and I would always come early just to be seen so I could get depart before it became too chaotic. To this day I still have nightmares about high school. :/ (Obviously, people can have legitimate issues even if they aren't as severe as mine.)
Thank you for sharing this blooming_flower, I really appreciate it there's a lot to think about there.
I understand your frustration with people self-diagnosing on the basis of flimsy anecdotal evidence, I found it similarly frustrating when I attended a CBT group for clinical depression and everyone would try to 'out-depression' each other and would assert that I couldn't possibly be a depressed as they were.
I am attempting to be pragmatic and I hope I do not come across as if I have just read one or two dubious articles on the internet and gone - hey that's me. It was really my wife's suggestion that we put some serious consideration into ASD being a possibility after she attended a conference aimed at supporting autistic people in the workplace. We then did some research together over the past year and talked to some charities for advice before taking this to a professional, as you can imagine asking your doctor to arrange an appointment to see a clinical psychologist would be a fairly nerve racking experience.
I'm glad that you found diagnosis helpful, as I said to Xeris, this is about opening and closing doors - it is about me attempting to discover how to come to terms with the way I behave towards other people and myself. Currently what I do is putting my wife and I on a course for a train wreck.
What you say about volunteering with people with Asperger's/autism reminds me how uncomfortable with verbal communication I am, I really used to think that the way I speak was totally normal, but now I acknowledge it I can see how badly I control the loudness of my voice and how badly I stutter, I also pronounce some words very strangely. Well done by the way on your volunteer work, I have had supporting roles with students of mine before and this has proven helpful as I am able to establish a clearly demarcated relationship but also giving me the opportunity to do something nice for people.
Thank you to everyone else for reading and commenting on my blog, I am sorry that some of you have elected to respond negatively. I don't know why people choose to take the most negative approach. As many have said autism is a spectral disorder meaning that individuals on it exhibit symptoms that interfere with their daily lives to greater or lesser extents, people with High-Functioning Autism can be hard to distinguish from neurotypical individuals. I have taken everyone's comments on board, I am fully aware of the dangers of self-diagnosis (even though there are no associated medications or treatments for ASD) but please understand that I am well informed on the subject and that the intention of this blog if for me to disclose and share my coming experience of going through a process of diagnosis with a clinician.
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Hi, I'm going to respond "negatively". Firstly, you're married and you have a job and teachers never even singled you out school? In my (uneducated ofc ^^) opinion Autism is the word for those who the condition has sharply separated from everyday living in society. People who demonstrate extremely abnormal behaviours. People who are over-loaded by the sensory input of some very subtle light, or sound. They have to wear earphones or the pain of a subtle buzz in a room will drive them to scream in agony. People who cannot learn language. To me that is Autism. What you describe is on the autism spectrum and it is called aspergers. Making this distinction is important IMO.
The reason I am in disagreeance with you is because i find your approach to be a disempowering one. You have unsatisfactory traits about yourself and having made it this far (holding a job getting a wife these things are difficult for people with such conditions) you decide to just find a way to excuse yourself? You even said in this post that you know yourself to avoid the real issue by doing a much of intellectual exploration. WHy didn't you focus on that issue?
In conclusion i am just annoyed that our cultures cure for everythign is to just call it a disease and disempower you to do what you want. I would rather think of it as an opportunity to grow in other ways. That said though, i do not disagree with your decision. I greatly admire that you are taking action to improve your situation. I just feel that there are other more empowering approaches. i feel like i ought to include that i was approached by my kingergarten teacher as a developmentally delayed student and my parents refused to trust her.. and i went through normal school quite effectively although i did struggle more than others for what i achieved. Good luck.
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On November 25 2012 19:42 Deleuze wrote:Show nested quote +On November 25 2012 12:24 DigiGnar wrote:
One thing about Aspies is that they have something they become completely obsessed with. For some, it's one thing for their whole life, while for others, it changes, kind of like an ADHD Aspie. What's your obsession? Mine, right now, is the foreign exchange markets. I can sit there literally all day without food or water or going to the bathroom and just play with the charts and find all these neat things.
There are people who are in the Autism spectrum who can very clearly write. (Talking is another thing.) If you think otherwise, then look at some of the greatest scientists in the world, some of the greatest (not good wise) leaders in the world, and even corporate leaders. For about the past 5-6 years I have collected books, mainly science fiction from the SF Masterworks series and European Modernist literature as well as continental and mordern philosophy. I tend not to read them, though and instead spend my time organizing them on my bookcases. I'm also obsessed about buying things as cheaply as possible so I only collect these second hand (I can't purchase books online, even if they're a penny, I just end up fill my basket full of books but never checking out). Around 4 years ago I started to get in to comic books and am going strong still. I don't like superhero comics as invariably I stumble upon these series mid-way through, which is unacceptable as I can only collect them from the beginning. I therefore collect small press and independent comics that are produced as one offs or anthologized graphic novels. What I enjoy doing is organizing them on my bookcases and keeping folders of the small comics. There are many different ways to organize them, such as by (primary) author/artist, title, subject matter and also by size and colour. Library metadata is useful as well. When I was a child I was obsessed by dinosaurs and used to trace them religiously from a dinosaur book I had and would read the details of each of the dinosaurs (height, weight, speed etc) and follow the various evolutionary paths. Throughout my life I have collected stones and fossils, and line them up on shelves or windowsills. I also generate lots of 'micro' interests that crop up and disappear over short term periods, for a few months I was obsessed by an 18thC English print-maker/engraver called Thomas Bewick who was famous for wood-engravings depicting wildlife from the British Isles. He was a real pioneer of the craft as well as an accomplished naturalist, my interest in him began when I saw an exhibition of his work in the British Museum, particularly his work on memorializing prize bovine for their owners and an engraving of a wild Chillingham bull: http://www.bewicksociety.org/galleries/publications/largeprints/bull800.htmlBut this subsided for what ever reason I'm not sure. I never really got into collecting records or following music as this had a very social element to it - my friends would normally tell me about music and I'd just start listening to it. However right now I am collecting classical music using Shostakovich as a reference point, amassing music by Litoslawski, Schoneberg, Tchaikovsky and Alban Berg. This is great as they are all freely available at most academic libraries and I can use the internet to research connections rather than having to speak to people. I got into Shostakovich because I heard a radio documentary about him two years ago. I'm also shamefully obsessed by F5ing certain threads on TL, yet never really posting or contributing. These obsessions tend to take over my life to varying degrees, if I'm distracted when I'm engrossed in an activity I really struggle to understand where I am, I literally feel lost in space like I've woken up and can't remember who I am. It takes me a good 30 seconds to understand the question and what I should do. What is it that interests you in foreign exchange markets? Were you diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder as a child or did this happen later i your life (if at all)?
Partly the challenge, and partly because the markets are, to some, and to some extent, influenced by everything from the growth patterns of leaves to the rocks of an asteroid belt in a different solar system. I can build a multitude of systems like a MA cross-over with an RSI filter, or I can come up with something entirely new. (Although, the concept isn't new and is similar to Gann trading.) It's also like poker, but without the social interactions. (Which make me very tired.) It's more-or-less a WSOP final table with either you being lucky enough to play the hands, or you're in your home watching it and basing bets off their moves and hands. I'm a system builder. (BW was a godsend for me, lol)
I am not officially diagnosed, though I do suspect I lie somewhere on the high-functioning part of the scale. It seems to me that any intelligence that deviates from the norm is autism because what autism really is is a different wiring for one's brain. Take a glass, some have big glasses and some have small glasses. We'll say these glasses are brain. Some people fill up their cup with water, while some fill their cup with soda a third of the way, tea for a fifth, beer for a half, and whatever else you want for whatever's left. I was almost tested as a kid but my parents refused to have me tested. I remember as a pre-Ker that I used to color in coloring books. I always fucking colored in them so much that I constantly got in trouble. Though, not once did I ever draw out of the lines. I also remember being told by the teachers that I was a retard with no brain. Funny, because I'm extremely fucking intelligent. (Is it normal to remember dreams before one's first birthday?)
When I read up on Autism and whatnot a couple years ago, things started making intense sense. I realize now that I hardly make eye contact with people, and sometimes completely avoid doing so. (This is really bad to do on a job interview.) In such, when I do go to interview, or any social interactions, everything is scripted. I learned by forced habit to make small talk, but sooner or later, I'll start talking about my interests which stem to me stating completely obscure facts that no one has a clue about. This scripting makes my interactions seem fake, which turns some people off. Sometimes, girls find it cute that I have an accent, which is somehow changing all the time and I've only been in southern states. They do find it cute that I'll say milkon of cart instead of carton of milk, or wanebow instead of rainbow. This is also probably helped by the fact that I'm attractive.
I would like to get tested, but as an adult, I feel that I'm too old for it to be a pure test. I'd have to be spied on without my knowledge. There's also other things like hypomania or hypermania or whatever it's called, and ADHD and other various mental "orders" and personality traits that complicate a concise label for me.
I can go on and on and on, so much, that I keep rewriting this entire post. So, I'll just end it here. (I was going to write about how fucking pissed I can get if someone touches something I don't want, but I need to stop typing.)
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On November 26 2012 01:15 meteorskunk wrote:
Hi, I'm going to respond "negatively". Firstly, you're married and you have a job and teachers never even singled you out school? In my (uneducated ofc ^^) opinion Autism is the word for those who the condition has sharply separated from everyday living in society. People who demonstrate extremely abnormal behaviours. People who are over-loaded by the sensory input of some very subtle light, or sound. They have to wear earphones or the pain of a subtle buzz in a room will drive them to scream in agony. People who cannot learn language. To me that is Autism. What you describe is on the autism spectrum and it is called aspergers. Making this distinction is important IMO.
The distinction between autism, ASD, aspergers is incredibly vague. In fact, it is so vague that in the next revision of the psychiatric medicine manual (the DSM), they'll all fall under the same name: autism spectrum disorder, with variations only made in severity (mild, moderate, severe). Currently, the main difference between classical autism and aspergers syndrome is whether or not the individual has a normal (or above-normal) language development or not. Aspergers do, classical autism people don't. You can have very mild cases of classical autism (but these may be hard to distinguish from a simple lack of intellect or slight mental retardation even though the person may have an average IQ) or very severe aspergers, where the person may be able to communicate with regular language, but is otherwise overwhelmed by his symptoms. The simple distinction of "autism = severe, aspergers = mild" doesn't hold in general. And that's why the naming will be streamlined.
The reason I am in disagreeance with you is because i find your approach to be a disempowering one. You have unsatisfactory traits about yourself and having made it this far (holding a job getting a wife these things are difficult for people with such conditions) you decide to just find a way to excuse yourself? You even said in this post that you know yourself to avoid the real issue by doing a much of intellectual exploration. WHy didn't you focus on that issue?
In conclusion i am just annoyed that our cultures cure for everythign is to just call it a disease and disempower you to do what you want. I would rather think of it as an opportunity to grow in other ways. That said though, i do not disagree with your decision. I greatly admire that you are taking action to improve your situation. I just feel that there are other more empowering approaches. i feel like i ought to include that i was approached by my kingergarten teacher as a developmentally delayed student and my parents refused to trust her.. and i went through normal school quite effectively although i did struggle more than others for what i achieved. Good luck.
While I agree with you that a defeatist attitude is not the right way of going about it, it's also too simple to just dismiss the blog-writers issue by basically saying "deal with it". Some people with ASDs, even mild ones, may benefit considerably from having a bit of support or sometimes just the knowledge of why their mind seems to work differently from others.
To the OP: seeing a medical professional is a good idea. Self-diagnosis is usually a pretty bad idea, because armed with just internet-knowledge, someone could self-diagnose himself a brain tumor from a simple headache. I hope you find some answers.
FYI: I am a late-20's guy diagnosed with mild Aspergers. I have a job (PhD student, it's considered a job here) and a wife. These things and an ASD are not mutually exclusive.
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First of all, I dont know that much about autism. But I just have to wonder, what is the diagnosis gonna change? Apparently you have a wife and friends, and if you didn't care about them I assume you wouldn't keep them around. If this is true, than autism or not, your gonna have to keep adapting. Justified though it may be, hiding behind a diagnosis isn't going to solve anything right?
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How did I know before I even opend that this would be a self diagnosis??
You can just be weird and anti social without being autistic. It's the new ADHD. Everyone's got it according to self diagnosis
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On November 27 2012 01:20 QuanticHawk wrote:
How did I know before I even opend that this would be a self diagnosis??
You can just be weird and anti social without being autistic. It's the new ADHD. Everyone's got it according to self diagnosis
Thank you for commenting on my blog Hawk. It is disappointing to hear that you have such a shortsighted attitude toward mental health/disability that your default assumption is a person evoking their disability is attention seeking, insincere or deluded.
Please take a moment to consider this prejudice.
I had hoped I was clear that I had not undertaken 'self-diagnosis' in the OP and in other posts I have made here, and that I am pursuing clinical diagnosis in order to open or close avenues of support.
I would like to add that the issues I personally experience extend well beyond being 'weird and anti social' as you so aptly put it. I have a history of mental illness and learning disability, which together with my overall life experience makes considering clinical diagnosis of ASD a worthwhile pursuit. This is a history I have elected not to share here since I intended that this blog should not constitute an attempt for me to justify that I had autism (especially since that I do not know that I do) - what would be the point in that after all?
The point of this blog is to share my thoughts on the personal life experiences I wish to express, and to document how this fits in with my wish to undergo clinical diagnosis and ultimately reflect upon its outcome whatever that may be. Obviously the only beneficiary of this exercise I me. Of course. Same as any other blog.
It is interesting to read that so many posters have a very narrow, and in some cases totally inaccurate, understanding of autism. I hope that at least some readers have come away with a wider understanding of ASD than they arrived with from the excellent comments made by other posters here.
Finally, the issue of why diagnosis or obtaining a label of autism is important, and is one I have already planned on addressing in a separate blog. I think the idea of it 'dis-empowering' me (or anyone) requires attention, and is in many ways not altogether unfounded, however my ultimate intention with diagnosis is to help me understand who I am and what I can do to make being me easier (both on myself and on those around me) because right now I am at a total loss. Is it clear then that I have gone far beyond the holistic 'know thy self?'
Thank you so much to everyone that has posted here, it has been a real, genuine help. 
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EPT
