|
Hello TL, this is my first blog entry, so forgive me for formatting and this wall of text that I'm about to write.
I'm a 17 year old senior in highschool living in a relatively small town in the US. I'm just an average asian kid, entertained by starcraft, playing other games, having fun with friends, trying to live a fun life while I still can. But of course university years are coming up, and my parents are expecting me to go to college, which of course what I want as well.
My father, is a good man. He immigrated to the US around in the 1980's, hoping for some kind of life here in the US and he's gotten far. We've got a comfortable income, not great, but we can live, a decent house, and of course daily life to life things like food and decent clothes. My father's worked hard for this life in his own small business and he's got a wife, and 2 kids, me and my older sister, who's a senior in college.
The thing is, my parents, they're typical Asians. They expect me to get good grades and be good in school and get to a good college. The thing is, I'm not that great at school. I'm not top of my class, but I'm in a few advanced classes, and get along with a mere 3.5 GPA, which I'm perfectly comfortable with. My mom says she doesn't expect me to be the best, but I don't know what my dad thinks. He wants me to study nonstop and seems to expect me to beat everyone in my whole school.
My family is korean, and yes... I watch starcraft and keep up with the scene and play other games. My dad disapproves of me playing games and watching starcraft. He always says "we need to take the games and computer away" or "stop watching that, enough". Yet he watches videos of korean shows and dramas all the frigging time. There's another thing about being korean. This is hard to understand just from reading, but there are certain mannerisms and words that you use in korean language to show respect to your elders or your family. I don't speak good korean, but I can understand it. I talk for the most part in korean, but my dad frequently speaks korean, so when I talk to him, he always gets a bad vibe from it, thinking that I'm purposefully being disrespectful in the english language, when in reality, I'm trying to talk in english as diplomatically and respectfully as possible. It's hard to understand, but it exists.
Anyway, back to the story. I underwent the ACT testing and.... my test scores weren't the best. They weren't the worst, but they are what I need to go to the college my dad wants. So my dad flipped shit. He says its because I hadn't been studying, but I actually had for a whole month for it, while trying to balance regular schoolwork, track, and practicing piano at the same time. I barely had time to keep up to the results of starcraft via teamliquid and liquipedia. So... I took the ACTs again, twice for good measure. I'm awaiting my results now, but I don't have my hopes too high.
The thing is, my dad is a good guy, but he's quite rude and mean in some ways. Like he was always on my sister's back while she was a senior. She was always on the verge of tears because he always yelled at her harshly if she made mistakes, or got anything lower than As, which actually happened often. I don't know if getting a bad grade warrants your father to descend upon you and insult you and make you feel pain and guilt, but I think it was cruel and wrong. And now that my sister's gone, I feel like I'm in the crosshairs.
Since I made my own computer from researching parts and compatibility, my dad gets the bright idea of me becoming a computer engineer since I like spending time on them. Great idea right? Nope, I don't like math to spend the rest of my life solving calc problems. I do alright in the subject, but I'm not too into it. I thought for a while, and I think that I like reading, or English or literature. So I'm thinking some kind of editor or a journalist career would be great for me. I even like biology and environmental sciences, it fascinates me. Although I like playing games and looking up future computer parts I could potentially buy, it's completely different from what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's like saying you like to practice martial arts, so you want to spend your whole life training, teaching other people how to do it and making a living off of it even though it's only just a hobby and a way to spend time.
My dad waves away the idea of English or biology majors away angrily, and tells me that I'm going to go into computer engineering and that's that. I don't say anything to that, because I don't want to go into computer engineering, it doesn't sound attractive to me. But I don't want to unleash his furious wrath upon me and get a beating for it (in the past, he has beaten me before, and he doesn't mind showering me with his own spit)
Fast forward a few months, and we're arguing again, because I don't like the idea of computer engineer. He drags me to his laptop and compares the income salary between computer engineers and english majors. Of course computer engineering had a better average salary. But I said "I just want to live my own life". He pushed me around saying I was stupid and needed money to live. That's true, but what about doing what you like to do for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Ever since then, he's been so disapproving of me, making faces and noises of disappointment whenever I'm playing some games, or watching starcraft when I have time. He seems to have me set on my course to becoming a computer engineer, and thinks that I'm okay with that. I'm really not.
Tonight, when I passed him at his workplace, he told me that I should go home and study, and told me I'll take the ACT until I get the score he wants. I said "but I've already taken it 3 times, and I'm getting exhausted with that test plus schoolwork and piano combined." He said "you want to fucking make money? You want to get married? You want to live in a good house? You'll go to XXX college and get XX Test score."
I feel like some kind of slave. I don't feel like a son anymore, and he doesn't feel like my father anymore. You're supposed to love your father and he should support you're choices even if he doesn't agree with them. That's a beautiful thing in life, family relationships. Only it only seems to happen in movies and books. Someone's father supporting them even though his son is going against what he thinks is best. A handshake and a hug after they part ways from each other at college. Constantly talking about sports and what happened at school that day. No... not for me, instead I only hear my father disapprove of me, and chastise me for not being my best.
The worst part is knowing that I can never defy him, because he supports me and my life. I'm indebted to him because he gave me my life, and and provided my food, my clothes, my education and my whole life. I'm still going to need his help because I need to go to college, and I need more food, more money, more education. I'm worried that if I just defy him and start saying "I'm going to decide my life for myself, and live how I want to live instead of you dictating how I'm going to live", he'll pull the plug and say "Ok, out the door you go then". I wouldn't doubt that him hesitating to do it at a moment's notice. So... I'm fucking stuck, I can't do anything but try to comply with his wishes. I can't fucking do anything without him, because he'd leave me in a second if I didn't go along with his plan.
I don't know what I want to fucking do yet. I'm undecided because I'm still only 17. Sure I think about my future, I fucking think about all the damn time and you know what? I'm scared. I'm terrified of what the future will hold for me, or what will happen to me. But I think I'm entitled to my own damn life and I should live the way I want to live. Yet, I can't go against him. I'll die if I do. There's also the fact that if I don't get accepted to the college he wants, he'll probably kick me out of the house, beat me, or take everything I cared about away. (starcraft, piano, life)
I'm afraid of him, I'm afraid that we'll go into an argument any second we're together in anger and fury. I'm afraid of being left alone with nothing, but worst of all, I'm afraid of bringing shame to myself and my family. I feel so ashamed, guilty, depressed, sad, and cold. I wish my dad had another son that did everything he wanted, and made him proud of his own son, I really do. But I just don't want to be that guy, or I just can't.
I've contemplated just... not existing anymore. How wonderful it would be to just dissolve into nothingness... people just forgetting about you, and having nothing to worry about again. I hate myself. I hate myself for being who I am, and not making my father proud or happy. I feel so bad knowing this, but still wanting to do what I want to do and how I want to live life. I feel selfish and guilty for doing this.
There's other information that attributes to my feelings of shame, discomfort and sadness, but this the gist of my life. I don't know what to do. I feel contained with no way out of this situation. Once I get through this though, I know that I won't be happy with the result. Nevertheless, I'm happy I got this off my chest to the community of TL.
Thank you if you read this whole thing, or even just skimmed through it. I would appreciate any advice you have for me. Should I live the way i want to? comply with my father and not get killed/kicked out of house?
Also I'm sorry for some typical asian teenager vs parent blog. I just don't know where to do with this mess.
 
|
Just try to listen to your parents as best as you can for now I think. There will be plenty of time for you to live your life the way you want to live it when you get out on your own. For now your best off just trying to do what they say. Its the kind of shit you dont want to hear in your situation.. but in hindsite its usually best. Anyway cant you give computer science a shot in college and then switch major if you dont like it or something like that down the road? Seems like the most optimal path.
|
Computer engineering isn't at all like building your own PC. It's a mix between electrical engineering and software engineering, so if you don't like math you're going to hate your life. My advice is follow your heart and your dreams, don't let your father dictate your life.
|
On November 20 2012 11:49 freeshooter wrote:
I've contemplated just... not existing anymore. How wonderful it would be to just dissolve into nothingness... people just forgetting about you, and having nothing to worry about again. I hate myself. I hate myself for being who I am, and not making my father proud or happy. I feel so bad knowing this, but still wanting to do what I want to do and how I want to live life. I feel selfish and guilty for doing this.
There's other information that attributes to my feelings of shame, discomfort and sadness, but this the gist of my life. I don't know what to do. I feel contained with no way out of this situation. Once I get through this though, I know that I won't be happy with the result. Nevertheless, I'm happy I got this off my chest to the community of TL.
Thank you if you read this whole thing, or even just skimmed through it. I would appreciate any advice you have for me. Should I live the way i want to? comply with my father and not get killed/kicked out of house?
Also I'm sorry for some typical asian teenager vs parent blog. I just don't know where to do with this mess.
As you know your father loves you and he thinks he knows what is best for you. But the truth is that we only get one life, and it's very short. You need to live for yourself and not for your parents. Don't hate yourself just because you don't want to do what your father wants you to. You can't get angry at yourself for wanting to study something that you will enjoy and will affect what you do the rest of your life.
|
I would say comply with his wishes for now, and once you are away at college you'll be out from under his thumb. It is possible to get good grades in college while pursuing all kinds of other interests and social groups. As long as you're sending home good grades, what can he complain about if you pursue literature and what not in your own time? The degree you get does not obligate you to have a career in that field. By the time you get out of college, you will have met all sorts of people and been exposed to different professions. Anyway, I'd say just make it to college and then you'll have more choices and be freer to make them.
|
I have to agree with the don't let your father dictate your life, if you truly enjoy what your doing in life money doesn't matter. If you are good at what you want to do, you can find a way to make a living with it.
My advice would be to try and sit down with your dad in a respectful manner and explain to him your side of things and that money is such an irrelevant thing in life (i wouldn't call it irrelevant to your dad) and that you want to do what you enjoy for the rest of your life, not just to go to school to make money. Hopefully he has a bit of sense in him and he respects his sons wishes 
|
You could always just preemptively move out (when you graduate and or turn 18) and get a job right out of high school and wait a year or two to start college. In the long run you'll be better off figuring out what you want and then going for it then taking handouts from your parents that come with such a high price. A lot of parents have trouble coming to terms with the fact that their kids are growing up and moving on, so they try to keep control over them.
|
I come from a similar background: dad worked really hard to provide a middle-class life, asian, also did track and piano, etc..
A couple of things:
1) You won't believe me now, but one day you will be so grateful that your dad never gave up on your immature teenager self. (don't take this the wrong way)
2) Saying you want to "do what you love" sounds wonderful and all, but "do what you love" is probably the worst advice given to young people these days.
3) The economy is shit. The only sector still doing okay is tech, and being a computer engineer does not at all have to involve math. Have you considered being a software engineer (see "software is eating the world", ...) ?
4) To be blunt, getting a major in anything outside of STEM is pretty much a waste of money and time.
5) At 17, you don't know what you want to do. Trust me.
|
I'm not one for giving advice, but I can at least tell you one thing you have going for you. You're a fine writer, which is actually something that too many 17 year-olds can't say. ^_^
Do what you love, do your best, and find enjoyment. And good luck!
|
hes right because you should think about your future career and well being in your choices and that studying something more practical like computer engineering will generally give you more money and all of the joys that come associated with that.
youre right in that its your life and you should follow the path that you think will make you happiest. do you any experience in journalism or editing? try talking to people about it and try it out and when you get into college im sure that youll be able to take some classes to see if you like it. find out what it takes to do the things that you want to do as a career, what kind of financial security it will give you, etc. maybe there's something that you want to do that isn't very feasible as a career and is probably better to do as a hobby rather than spending 4+ years of your life studying.
|
A major in biology? Pharmacists are paid decently quite well - maybe you could convince your dad in that direction.
|
I went through some of the same things. My dad was always trying to push me and saying I wasn't good enough yadda yadda, even though he didn't actually show willingness to help.
You have to understand that your dad wants only the best for you, that's why he is pushing so hard. He knows that in this world education is everything. In his world he is seeing you wanting to make what he believes to be mistakes, and he wants you to avoid them, but you can't. If you want to be an english major, go for it! You could argue that yes, the pay is not great and yes, some people think it's useless. But hey, it's your damn life, do what the hell you want as long as you can have a clear conscience afterwards.
That said, you have to think about the future. Doing what you want now may not be what you wanted to have done when you look back on it in 20 years. Your dad knows what the future wants, and he is right about the computing, however it surprises me that he doesn't like biology. Electrical and computer engineers are the engineers of today, bioengineers are the engineers of tomorrow.
I'm rambling, but the key thing I want to say is. Listen to your fathers wisdom and mix it into what you think may be a winning formula. You can only be worse off by ignoring it completely.
|
When it comes to parents that have, under rough conditions, migrated to the U.S., you must be understanding of the circumstances in which they struggled to put a roof over your head. Certainly your arguments may have legitimate merit in how you spend your time and what you desire to study. However, you must also be considerate of your Korean parents. Korea in particular advanced very quickly, and likewise had a high value on technology based careers over sociological oriented and humanities oriented careers.
Your best bet in trying to bridge a midway between you and your dad is to simply act adult like, and appeal to his humanity, not logic.
|
Listen to him until you go to college. Then you'll have more space to compromise (double major, major in what you want and minor in what your parents want or vice versa). Your father is simply trying to get you into the best college you can attend; good colleges open doors. This isn't to say you can't succeed at "lesser" colleges, it's just a bit harder to succeed unless you take your own initiative.
I also don't think he'll kick you out if you don't get into the college he wants; parents talk big, but they rarely will follow through with it. I have a friend (Asian) whose parents have been threatening this throughout her HS career, throughout her undergrad career (during which she pursued her own major, but admittedly with a few compromises), but is still allowed to go home. She's still in a bit of a pickle, but the situation has improved quite a bit, and she will be graduating this year with her chosen major. (She switched from some hard science to a design major, and her parents ranted and raved, but they still paid for it and still let her pursue it.)
Keep in mind your interests and major will probably change many times in college. You say you kind of want to pursue a journalism career because you like English and literature. Do you have any experience with journalism? Even small things like being an editor for your school newspaper counts. If not, try it out and see if you like it; journalism's not for everyone, and god knows there are plenty of English/literature folk out there who wouldn't touch a journalism career with a ten-foot pole.
I'm surprised he's so anti-biology though ... most Asian parents would jump with joy at the thought of their children being interested enough in biology for its own sake, simply because it's a great lead into a medical career, which brings in the $$$. Try to suggest very subtly that you may be interested in a premed track, and see how he takes it. This does not mean you are committing of course, but it may smooth the home situation over a little.
Above all, don't tell your parents, "I want to be an archaeologist." Take it from me ... as someone who did that, they will react very badly, even if you show that the avg. lawyer salary and avg. field archaeologist salary is roughly the same.
|
From what I've heard, computer science isn't too calculus based. I have some friends that are getting a B.A. in Computer science, instead of a B.S., and i think they only have to take one calculus course. So if calculus is what is scaring you away from computer science, don't worry. Computer Engineering is different than Computer Science, its more based in Electrical Engineering so I believe its more math intensive. That's how I've come to understand it, I could be just spouting bullshit though..
Also you say you like biology and environmental science, so why not major in biology go into med school, or environmental/civil engineering or something along those lines? Those pay pretty well. I would think that would make your dad happy.
On to bigger issues, your father/son relationship is in a tough spot. Your dad sounds like the type of guy that you would not want to confront, but it might be a good idea to sit down and spill your feelings to him? Idk though, he might take that as a sign of weakness, which might frustrate him. Like a few people have said, it is probably most wise to accommodate his wishes for the time being, until you are older and, hopefully, more responsible in his eyes. Once you are in college, it will be a lot easier to make your own decisions and bend things in to your favor.
|
The thing is, I'm not that great at school. I'm not top of my class, but I'm in a few advanced classes, and get along with a mere 3.5 GPA
3.5 isn't a good gpa?
|
I think you should have this conversation with your Dad. Send him this blog as a letter. It sounds like he's raising you based on some ideal or how he was raised without much consideration for your feelings. You need to let him know how you feel deep down.
|
"dad, the best thing i can learn from college is how to think. How will I learn to think for myself if you are making all of my decisions for me? I want to do what interests me so that i actually WANT to put the effort in. This way i can actually grow as a human. If i don't make much money I can live with that" - sincerely
|
What is a life wasted on the expectations of others? No man should allow his life to be dictated by anyone but himself. You make your life, not your family, not society, not the government, you and you alone.
Your father supports you, and he demands things of you that you don't want demanded of you.
You need to ask yourself what is more important, that free handout from your daddy, or deciding the course of your own life.
People need to take hold of their own lives, and that includes liberating yourself from the expectations of others, and the shackles of indebtment.
A life isn't bought by food, clothes, a house and an education. Your life can't be bought.
Going your own way might cost you the handouts that your parents provide, but that is just something you will have to accept if it comes to that.
Either you submit to the wishes of your father, and anyone after that who gives you a handout. Or you break free, regardless of the costs, and make your own life.
Don't listen to these stockholm victims that tell you to obey your parents like some drone. A man makes his own life.
|
On November 21 2012 01:28 zalz wrote:
What is a life wasted on the expectations of others? No man should allow his life to be dictated by anyone but himself. You make your life, not your family, not society, not the government, you and you alone.
Your father supports you, and he demands things of you that you don't want demanded of you.
You need to ask yourself what is more important, that free handout from your daddy, or deciding the course of your own life.
People need to take hold of their own lives, and that includes liberating yourself from the expectations of others, and the shackles of indebtment.
A life isn't bought by food, clothes, a house and an education. Your life can't be bought.
Going your own way might cost you the handouts that your parents provide, but that is just something you will have to accept if it comes to that.
Either you submit to the wishes of your father, and anyone after that who gives you a handout. Or you break free, regardless of the costs, and make your own life.
Don't listen to these stockholm victims that tell you to obey your parents like some drone. A man makes his own life.
This is such a black and white view of the situation. It's not either/or. You listen to your parents when you're in HS, because pissing them off too much at this point in your life is will result in more severe consequences than pissing them off later in life; you don't have the means to adequately fend for yourself while also getting a good education as a HSer, and god knows parents often change too once they see their kid likes X/Y/Z and is actually good at X/Y/Z.
Quite a few Asian parents lay off more once you're in college anyways, because they no longer have access to your transcript (yes, OP, that means they can't see what classes you're taking or what you're majoring in as long as you don't give them your p/w to your school account) and can't really control the process anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
