Opening Up About Yourself

On October 08 2012 02:30 radscorpion9 wrote:
All I hope is...that when I find the right girl, I won't have to try hard for there to be a connection. We'll just be in sync. I think that's the only way to go about it, because anything else is kind of artificial. Just have to keep searching!

On October 08 2012 03:01 meteorskunk wrote:
g'day muyate! Thank you for allowing me to temporarily extinguish my girl blog demon. Your question as I interpret it is useful to answer for the girl blogs across the universe. "what does it take to open up? what does it feel like?"

"your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose" -ee cummings

I think opening up is about being delicate and vulnerable. You know your emotional guards don't you? Telling yourself you do not care if you fail, acting like the cool dude, intellectualizing and rationalizing? When you open up, you accept that you have your pride to lose. You accept that you are not perfect, that you have weakness. You are not trying anything. You are not trying to "succeed" in winning someone over. YOu are tryign to show them your essence because you want them to know you exist.

For me it takes someone who can make me "swoon" strongly enough so that I can manage all of the discomfort that being my truest self takes. Thats when you have found someone.

On October 08 2012 03:17 CosmicSpiral wrote:


I have to heartily disagree on almost every single point you bring up. That type of romanticism is poison to any real relationship.

On October 08 2012 02:27 FractalsOnFire wrote:
This is going to be part girl blog, part discussion. I know you guys want the girl blog part first.

So just today a girl I went on a few dates with told me "She wasn't interested in having a relationship with me". Ouch that stung. What stings most isn't that she rejected me, I've been thinking about it and its more the fact I'm not exactly sure what I could've done better. I feel powerless and it's a shitty feeling. She seemed interested initially, we held hands, I could wrap my arm around her waist and shoulder but when I tried to kiss her she told me "I don't know you that well". She wasn't repulsed or anything, just laughed. Which I guess brings me to what I'm sure I could've done better. Opening myself up as well as getting her to.

The thing is I don't know how exactly to go about it. Do I just throw out random thoughts? Maybe ask questions related to it, when they give me an answer should I just throw it out anyway? What would it take for me not only to open myself up but also to get her talking about her hopes, dreams, passions, feelings and what not? Alot of the time when i ask that sort of thing they usually give me an 'I don't know' or 'I don't really think about that'.

What would it take for you to truly open yourself up to someone?

Random, ironic thoughts. Before she sent that message, I was mulling around the idea of 'what if she rejected me?'. I said to myself I'd be okay with it. It'd suck but I knew I'd be fine. That was all true, just wasn't expecting the emotional hit to be quite so strong. Looking on the bright side, I know I'll try to improve myself for the better so when the next girl comes along, I won't make the same mistakes. Going back to the cold approaching and hitting on girls is a chore though *sigh* (not that I really stopped, just got lazy).

On October 08 2012 07:58 heyoka wrote:


This is a hard question to answer without just saying you need to do it more, it takes a lot of practice. In general you want to be throwing out a lot of random thoughts and questions until you find something you both are interested in, and then you can talk in depth about those things. How easy or hard that is varies a lot depending on the dynamic between the two of you. You're going to be the one sharing your hopes, dreams, and passions to start with and you want your excitement and energy to make the people around you also excited (not necessarily about the things you like, but about anything). Ideally that creates a situation where they then feel comfortable sharing more of themselves with you. Most people are receptive to talking about parts of their lives but they don't want to take the first step, so if you're looking to create a connection you have to be the one that does it initially.

Talk to a lot of people and it becomes more natural. Work on your storytelling skills, find ways to engage people with the things happening around you, do interesting things that excite you so you can talk about them.

On October 08 2012 08:00 StateofReverie wrote:

you dont have to be in a relationship to be friends

On October 08 2012 18:24 FractalsOnFire wrote:


I was guessing as much. Just got to get comfortable talking about it. My version of interesting is introspection, walking, drinking coffee and eating. Not exactly everyone's cup of tea but I should run with it anyway.



I don't want to be friends with her. I wouldn't want to do the whole manipulative nice guy route either. Its unfair on her and I'd feel uncomfortable doing it.

On October 08 2012 18:24 FractalsOnFire wrote:


I was guessing as much. Just got to get comfortable talking about it. My version of interesting is introspection, walking, drinking coffee and eating. Not exactly everyone's cup of tea but I should run with it anyway.



I don't want to be friends with her. I wouldn't want to do the whole manipulative nice guy route either. Its unfair on her and I'd feel uncomfortable doing it.

On October 08 2012 22:46 meteorskunk wrote:


What kind of coffee do you like? what is the best place to have a cuppa jo' round this part of OZ? Do you cook? If you are confident enough to invite someone over to enjoy some food with or order in.

Introverted does not mean that you have a free pass to think about only you and whatyou like all the time. It means you recharge your energy by being alone.

You just need to search for the confidence research artifacts and get a couple new upgrades. Also I think you are separating friendship and romance a bit too much. Really you're just spending time with a friend that makes your heart flutter more than other friends..

On October 08 2012 23:02 StateofReverie wrote:

what...so you would feel uncomfortable with her if you were manipulating her in a nice way? I have no clue what the "manipulative nice guy route" leads to either lol

On October 09 2012 23:26 QuanticHawk wrote:
this had nothing to do with opening up or not. she just really wasnt all that physically attracted to you and was too much of a wimp to say so. kissing someone isnt some kind of super personal thing like getting in bed with them lol

just next time, if you get past the second date and you havent kissed her yet, dont waste your time going on a third

On October 10 2012 00:45 WarSame wrote:

I'd disagree. I went on 3 dates with a girl before kissing her. 3 dates later ended up in bed together(although that didn't go all the way). It depends on the girl/guy.

On October 08 2012 03:02 NukeD wrote:
Alcohol.

On October 09 2012 17:31 babylon wrote:
From my own experiences: I'm very closed-off and introverted by nature. It took me three years to find someone I'd actually consider a friend at my university. A lot of that was because I had (still have, in some cases) the tendency of holding onto past friendships and investing too much time in those without really getting to know other people or interacting with them; it was a big comfort zone thing for me, the romanticization of old friendships, the belief that people wouldn't change that much, but then, y'know, reality hit. The other part of it is that I am mortally afraid of being judged, so the only time I actually open up is when I am sure the other person won't judge me for my thoughts without clarifying them with me first (and conversely, when someone I trust suddenly turns out to be different from what I had believed, I tend to distance myself and no longer trust them at all) ... well, it's hard to describe, but in short:

a.) Open up first. This involves a lot of vulnerability, but when you open up (i.e. talk to someone about the things that matter to you and are close to your heart), the people around you will stop being afraid to speak their minds.
b.) Be a good listener; ask the right questions at the right time.
c.) Be critical in a way that is honest and hungry for explanation but not judgmental. And if you are a judgmental person, be open about it, so people won't think you're judging them quietly. It's weird, but when you are open about your opinions, so to speak, it makes people more apt to trust you, because they know you'll tell them what you think even if you are super judgmental.

Sorry if this is really circular. Basically, it's just open up yourself first to make others open up to you ... I haven't figured it out myself; I'd like to form more meaningful relationships with the people around me, but I'm so closed-off and ... a lot of people are surprisingly walled-off too. There've only been two people I've been able to jive with really well; one is a girl who ran through steps a-c in two hours -- seriously, it was horrendously fast -- and the other is a really humble grad student who taught one of my classes but spent a lot of time just discussing his development as a scholar (incl. his insecurities), his interests (not the least of which were RTS games!), what he thought about the department (v. open about criticizing some profs), and asking the same of us and our interests and experiences at school. Just a great guy who was professional but cozy, and someone I feel comfortable talking to about my own insecurities (esp. as a student). Guess he'd kind of be a mentor figure to me.

On October 09 2012 23:26 QuanticHawk wrote:
this had nothing to do with opening up or not. she just really wasnt all that physically attracted to you and was too much of a wimp to say so. kissing someone isnt some kind of super personal thing like getting in bed with them lol

just next time, if you get past the second date and you havent kissed her yet, dont waste your time going on a third

On October 10 2012 03:05 OpticalShot wrote:
I agree with the "find a comfort zone" route. It keeps the conversation flowing and since you're comfortable about the topic, you can build the talk up to that emotional opening point with fairly smooth transitions (I hope). There's sort of an undefined curve you can generally follow, which goes something like general talk -> personal experiences -> experiences together -> expand a little on one particular good experience together -> (something magical here) -> so you wanna be my girlfriend. This should be done fairly quickly (like that whole chain should be done within 15 minutes) and probably while she still views you as a potential boyfriend, not a best-friends-forever.

For example, say the comfort zone between you and the girl is playing the piano (how cliche... yes I am so Asian).
+ Show Spoiler [Sample Text] +
Alternatively, alcohol works better than coffee when done in moderation.

Good luck!

On October 10 2012 06:30 meteorskunk wrote:
Well OpticalShot, even if the OP is never ever enlightened by what you say (impossible) I will always be learning from things like that hypothetical flirt conversation.

@FractalsofFire I apologize. I suppose I was projecting a lot of my weaknesses on to you. A habit of mine. I guess i just assume others have the same problems of me.

The part that made me think you might be using introversion as an excuse to stay in a comfort zone was when you said that you had trouble opening up and were more interested in "introspection". If you're interested in other people and you are confident I don't see how there is any problem.

Also, just because it didn't work with one girl does not mean there is anything wrong with what you are doing. MOre likely this person just is not a good fit for you.. Yes you can learn a lot about females that makes life easier but it doesn't mean you have something to learn if something fails.

Another starcraft analogy for a girlblog (i swear i bleed these things) you're like someone who comes into the strategy forum and plays like 10 games and gets supply blocked and then asks for then asks why banelings are so bad agains infantry.

On October 10 2012 08:56 NeVeR wrote:


Honestly this works very well. Alcohol really helps to create fun conversation, whether it's a date or simply someone you don't know well. I have a pretty reserved, low-key personality, but when I drink I open up a lot. If you're under 21, get a fake. If she's under 21, go to a restaurant that won't card (there are a lot of them).

I know that was part of the problem. However its something I can't completely change bar going to the gym.

On October 12 2012 09:09 WarSame wrote:
Fractal, I really like your blog, and have the same questions as you. If you find the answer, or an answer, please let me know. I've always had the same problem of not being able to open myself as you. My parents literally know almost nothing about me, or what I do, despite the fact that I've lived at home for 18 of my 19 years alive. My friends know almost nothing personal about me. Like you, I can't really open myself up. I don't even smile much. That is not... exactly an enjoyable way to live, so change seems like a good idea, but it's hard to make such a large change.

However, I would like to make one point:



Then go to the gym. It is not hard to do, doesn't take much time, and a lot of people start to love it when they give it a serious chance. Obviously it really helps with the ladies, too. This goes for anything. If you can improve it, improve it as much as you can.

That's all I've got to add for now.