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I had an encounter with some friends the other day that was a bit awkward and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Im terrible at expressing my thoughts though so Im pretty sure im going to lose most of you through this. Basically I always thought of myself as having a lot of friends. A lot of people I have something in common with. That I have no problem calling up and asking them to hang out and they will call me out as well, from time to time. However the more I thought about it the more I realized that dosent really make us friends. Friends do everything together and share a lot more with each other, I dont really have anyone like that. I also started wondering if I choose not to get too close to people or if simply no one wants to get close to me. That is a scary thought to me, mainly because the more I think about it the more I think the ladder is true.
Anyways to get to this encounter that basically started all this. What happened was I was with a friend, that I thought I knew well, I consider him as one of my closest friends. We ran into a guy that I play soccer with but we dont hang out outside of that. I knew that they knew each other but here is where the awkward moment happened. I started talking to the guy we ran into as if I knew him, if that makes sense. Like you know its hard to explain but we greeted each other. Then I tried talking to the guy, at the same time as the friend that was with me started talking to him. They both looked at me like I was from was another planet. At that point I realized, oh shit, so this guy is a lot closer to you then I ever was. I mean just in that encounter they talked about something I didnt even know this friend of mine did. Which then got me to thinking, those who think about having a lot of friends, probably dont have any real friends at all. At least in my case I realized that is true. What is mind boggling to me is how long it took me to discover this.
I also started wondering when we go and socialize with people, do we choose to attach ourselves to those we relate to with the most, and cut off people that we dont have much in common with? Its so obvious the answer is yes but then when you start actually thinking about your life. You will probably remember so many people you had relationships with and how or why they ended, its kind of a crazy realization.
I started thinking about crazy shit like do you know when you see an alcoholic on TV and lets say they are all alone. Maybe you feel sad or sorry, if your a hateful person you might laugh at him. However, I think that the alcoholic himself, might have the same reaction to seeing one as you. He does not realize he is one. Just like a guy whose a huge dick to everyone and no one wants to hang out with, does not realize it (im afraid of being that guy). Or a guy living in his basement cut out from the rest of the world does not realize it. I have a friend whose house we go over for UFC fights and poker, he has an older brother who is 25. He is always in the living room when we come over, he sometimes dosent even greet us, he just sits on the computer playing warcraft, and UFC fights are always on Saturdays. I dont think he realizes how we see him, I dont think he himself is aware of how bad that looks. Like you really have to take a hard look at your life and be honest with yourself. So I just realized, I dont have any real friends, at least not in the sense that I think most people in society view friends as. When I look at my phone its a bunch of "yo u coming out this weekend, or im gonna be here tonight who u bringing" etc. There is no, "oh this person hurt my feelings, I dont know what to do, can you help". No one has texted me shit thats personal. But from what I see in movies and hear, friends tell each other everything. Im thinking back in my life if there were people who ive been that close too, and I honestly cant think of anyone.
I really want to find out now, how other see me. I have this urge to like jus text everyone and post on my facebook wall, asking how everyone sees me. Im just scared though to be one of those infamous meme guys. Like the guy who realizes hes a total dick to everyone around him and no one really likes to hang out with. That would be a nightmare. So before doing something that drastic, I thought id come on here and ask the TL community based on what ive said, im hoping its just high paranoia, please be gentle with the truth syrup.
 
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There's no way anyone can give you some perfect answer for your situation on here, because nobody knows who you are in person.
I can say that you are obviously insecure, and that's fine, everyone has insecurities. I think I too had a phase where I didn't think I had any "real" friends when I was a few years younger.
Honestly, I think you're over-analyzing and thinking far too deep on the matter. I know this sounds like the most cliche advice ever, but just be yourself, be confident in yourself and your friends. If you enjoy your life and you have a good time when you hangout with your buddies, then what's to worry about?
Also males don't typically go to other males and tell them about their "feelings", kind of that machoism thing. I'd venture to say you probably haven't done it either. No problem with doing it at all, if you really need to share it with someone.
Finally, there's a lot to social mechanics, but I can say this: Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it, this is who I am, fuck what anyone else thinks. People are attracted to confident people, think about that guy you may know, he's always positive, smiling, just a hell of a lot fun to be around. He doesn't have some special gene, he chooses to be happy and comfortable in his own skin, and people see that whether they realize it or not.
That's all I got, good luck.
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Also males don't typically go to other males and tell them about their "feelings", kind of that machoism thing. I'd venture to say you probably haven't done it either.
If you are a guy, then I second this, because otherwise I would have first that^^. See, you rather post here to some strangers instead of asking a good friend. Ok, maybe you don't have any, but I could also imagine that you thought about it and decided that none of your "friends" has the knowledge to help you. Guys are, that is if you are a guy really not persons who go like "oh this person hurt my feelings, I dont know what to do, can you help". That is for sissys who want to be comforted. Think straight to a solution. I guess you decided you rather solve that problem on your own, so you came here to get some input, YOU will reflect, and YOU will seek a solution.
Other than that I always went with the good will hunting definition of good friend. There are those Guys you just lived through hell with and for which you would throw yourself infront of a bus and vice versa. If you are searching for something like that. That is magic, that only happens randomly by living life. But those people I would not consider, or this person in most cases, as a friend, but as a brother.
Good friends are friends that challange you, and the rest are buddies. I think you got some good friends and probably many buddies, you just never had the luck to find a brother in spirit.
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Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I was expecting a lot harsher responses but you both have cheered me up a great deal and gave some very helpful advice. I'am a guy I guess to avoid any confusion. Also Haruhi I definitely havent encountered a brother in spirit yet, I guess you must have because I honestly didnt think such a thing existed.
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Generally, you can't "force" a friendship -- often, you can only have certain type of friendship with certain people. I do sympathize with your desire for a more profound friendship and my advice is to actively seek out people who likewise would be more likely seeking a more fierce/loyal friendship -- these are generally not the "party animal" people, mind you.
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On September 21 2012 20:17 ChoiSulli wrote:Which then got me to thinking, those who think about having a lot of friends, probably dont have any real friends at all. At least in my case I realized that is true. What is mind boggling to me is how long it took me to discover this.
I have many many many friends I enjoy hanging out with. But I only have few "real" friends that I'm really close with and share everything.
You might have lots of friends without really being close with them, but that doesn't mean it's the same case with everyone who has lots of friends.
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I disagree with Zeller and HaRuHi.
There's nothing wrong with having buddies that you just like hanging out with, but in my eyes that's not the same as a close friend. These are not the kind of people you're going to talk to when you're in trouble emotionally or financially, not because "guys don't do that", but because your relationship with them is superficial, not emotional.
When you don't have to be afraid of being called "a sissy" when telling your friend something personal that's stressing you out, that's probably a close friend.
On a sidenote, no-one's going to have more than 1-2 really close friends, it's not something you can force, neither is it a faillure if you haven't found someone you connected with at such a level yet.
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On September 21 2012 22:31 Saechiis wrote:
When you don't have to be afraid of being called "a sissy" when telling your friend something personal that's stressing you out, that's probably a close friend.
I think something like that is a good litmus test for whether someone is a truly close friend or not. Can you truly speak your mind -- inclusive of the things you are not completely proud of -- without any fear of being judged? Personally, I only have 2-3 people with whom I can do that and I consider myself fortunate for even having that.
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my opinion, even tho i don't know you and might be totally wrong:
You care alot about your image and how other people see you, because of that, you try to behave "correctly" around people, you don't want to be weird or having people say bad things about you. but by doing this, you also don't open to people, you don't want to be vulnerable to some1 by being completly honest about something in your life that deviates from the standart interactions. What am saying is, people don't talk to you about their problems, but you don't talk to people about yours. friendship is reciprocate, you don't wait for someone to approach you and ask you about intimate advice. you need to be ready to trust some1 and open up to them, be proactive. you sound like you have alot of "buddies" but no "friend", go to one of these, open up, make him see you're human and your life sucks as much as his, it doesn't make you instantfriends, but maybe next time he will come to you.
and please don't ask people how they see you over a facebook post -_-
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You will only have a few people in life that are "brother" spirits, that's for sure. The good thing though is that you will know them when you are with them, and that is something they experience too, which means it's not likely to fade over time like other relationships.
Also, if you're above average in intelligence, you will find it much harder to relate to a lot of people that you used to be able to relate to, and this is just due to the fact that people get smarter in different ways and at different rates. Doesn't make it easy, but it's not a problem if you understand why it happens.
Some people, for whatever reason it may be (relationships or lack thereof with mother/father, external pressures, societal pressures, etc.), have a difficult time maintaining a relationship that goes beyond the typical shallow layers. That's normal in today's world because of how many new and different trials a typical family faces.
A major problem with social networking sites today is that too often, the users of those sites don't realize that they are substituting actual social interaction with a facade of social interaction. While "liking" or replying to stuff online and being a part of a conversation may lead to feelings of worth and belonging, you'll find that the effect doesn't often go beyond the range of wifi. The use of "friend" on Facebook, for example, is a sore spot with me, since words and conversations are cheaply exchanged with no real risk to those interacting online... If you don't like what someone says, or you disagree, you can shut off the computer, or go to another site. In a normal conversation, however, with two or more people present, there would be pressure there to answer or deliver an opinion of sorts; walking away would be absurd. You will see people who prefer this facade to the actual thing, and again, it's about social risks. These are the people walking around with their face in their phones, afraid to experience an actual, normal social interaction beyond the shallow, in-passing ones we are used to ("Hi, may I take your order?"). It is simply easier to be involved in a conversation where a mouthpiece talks for you (your account or persona, handle, nickname, etc.), you have time to think and aren't required to answer right away, you can formulate what you want to say before you say it, you can re-read all parts of the conversation, and the conversation is devoid of any accompanying body-language that might confuse you or make you feel uncertain.
All in all, having few true friends in life is actually a good thing. As you get older you will have a lot less time to do things; as your interests branch out you will find it very hard to keep doing the things you love in addition to supporting new, important responsibilities. Would you really want to have 5-10 of these true friends, then? In my opinion, it would be agony: to have 5-10 people you love and respect just a phone-call away, and yet never have as much time to spend with any one of them as you would like. Sounds rather sad to me!
P.S.: Don't make that Facebook post man, the answers you will get are either pre-canned or contrived, neither of which represents the actual truth and how they feel!
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intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
don't worry about # of friends. quality is everything. oh in that case i guess worry a little, since having 0 friends means a total of 0 quality. takes time though, it's super natural to be like "holy shit nobody actually knows who i am!" and finally start seeking out genuine relationships. i think the key is to represent yourself honestly. don't try to be what you think other people will like. do what you want and say what you like. this way, you'll find friends you can fart in front of who'll fart right back. metaphorical
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On September 22 2012 02:57 intrigue wrote:
don't worry about # of friends. quality is everything. oh in that case i guess worry a little, since having 0 friends means a total of 0 quality. takes time though, it's super natural to be like "holy shit nobody actually knows who i am!" and finally start seeking out genuine relationships. i think the key is to represent yourself honestly. don't try to be what you think other people will like. do what you want and say what you like. this way, you'll find friends you can fart in front of who'll fart right back. metaphorical
The problem is when you've been faking for years, that it gets hard to break out of that mold. Though maybe "faking" is the wrong word for it. Some people just slip into certain skins easier than others depending on who they're talking to. It's like when you suddenly visit a friend at their house and you're like, holy shit, they act completely different around their family/siblings/etc. than they do out in public.
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I hate the idea of causes, and if I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country. ~ E. M. Forster
To me, true friendship, has always been about people for whom you would do nearly anything.
Still, you find yourself in a bit of a pickle. As much as I think people can, and should, take charge of their own life, friendships are simply too natural. You can't really force a friendship, though they do take work and dedication. Too much though, and you look desperate, and nothing turns people off faster than being around someone that is desperate.
You can try to do new things, try and meet new people.
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the more I think about it the more I think the ladder latter is true .
Sorry just had to point that out. It's good to know the difference.
Anyways, I think the best advice has already been given. Be yourself, be happy with who you are. This will give you confidence and friends who like you for who you really are (the good ones) will gravitate towards you.
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On September 21 2012 20:17 ChoiSulli wrote:I have this urge to like jus text everyone and post on my facebook wall, asking how everyone sees me. Im just scared though to be one of those infamous meme guys.
You don't have any good friends, not you don't have any friends.
There's an anonymous box app on facebook. If you post it people can talk about you anonymously. If I posted it no one would see it. If a friend posted it I'd think they cared too much about what others thought of them.
It's hard to become a meme.
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EPT
