EPTBut instead of preaching at you, telling you “aoooh noo don’t play games and porns and internetz, it eeeviiiil” I’ll share with you what it looks like to be me.
A year and a half ago, I thought things couldn’t get worse, I had passed through the panic barrier and was a nummed, emotional wreck, full of apathy and despair. I’ve still got the cuttin’ scars on my inner arm (I made a little smiley face), and though people can dismiss my struggles as “not as bad as other people’s “ no, this shit was real. This isn’t a story about that or how I was delivered from it, or that I’m not ashamed to share or rejoice in how God saved me and bore me out of my darkest times on his back. It’s about the patterns that lead to that moment, and how I haven’t really learned or changed. Because three times since then I’ve had BIGGER challenges to face, much harder difficulties, and each time the same pattern of:
- 1)Be scared of problem/ task because it’s ‘too big’, or just plain laziness.
2)Form and rely on the habit of escaping from the issue at hand (dependence on porn and games for satisfaction and comfort), rather than dealing with it head on = PROCRASTINATE
3)The big crunch panic period when have no time left to actually do the task.
4)Lol wut somehow find the crazy determination and drive to get through by the skin if my teeth
Each time, though I don’t believe it, it gets worse. Hunh I thought I was right up to the line my first big time, nope, I’ve gotten closer and closer (and beyond) disaster each time after, and what I’m worried about is falling to a point where #4 doesn’t happen in time.
It comes down to a history of relying on and abusing #2, rather than dealing with the inherent problem at #1, which leads to #3, and I don’t want to imagine what things would be like without salvation at #4.
I’ll keep it short, but my addiction and lack of discipline have far deeper consequences and problems than just wasting my ‘free’ time, more and more they’re fucking up just about every other area of my life from health, to grades, development, and friends.
I don’t have the answers, heck, if I did I’d be further out of my own mess. But I do have the problem, and the history of what lead up to it:
Thinking that I’m fine, thinking that addiction stuff could never happen to me. “Aooh no I dun got no porno problem, yeah I play way too much starcaft, but I can totally stop if I wanted to.”
But when summer hits, my ambitions of being productive waste away. But now in Uni shit actually matters during the summer, you can’t just do fuck all like I did all of high-school with no consequences. So in a very long-winded way what I’m trying to say is “don’t do it like I did”. Keep a FIRM control on what you do, least your habits get the best of you.
Diagnose like this: “if I were alone, and had a whole day just to myself, what would I do? What would I really enjoy doing, when I don’t have to be accountable to no homework, job, or society?”
Eventually when things get harder, you can stick through it (discipline), or you can be like me and let your slef-control slack, recoursing to those things that were immediately gratifying and ~fun~. So then you’re not disciplined in the small stuff, you don’t have that control, you’d rather just procrastinate, so when the BIG stuff rolls around it’s a nightmare to get stuff done.
So now combine that lack of discipline with a ragged and trashed (brain-chemical) reward and motivation system! Dissaster!
There are lots of things I want to do. Stuff that I know is good for me, that will be beneficial and help me grow. + Show Spoiler [what I WANT to do] +
I've downloaded a shit-ton of interesting developmental books (mostly science, math, success and social interaction books). I've also bough a lot more apologetics, physics and math books + exercises. Finally, I have all of my Chemistry course-work to re-read (degree), multiple sermons and bible studies to work through, and even drawing materials and tutorials. I have articles and battle reports I want to write, imaginary tournaments to organize, Rubik’s cubes to practice, music to learn and produce, Breakdance to train, friends to keep up with. Plus a myriad of household chores and duties pertaining to moving out of my flat in a week. Oh, and Job/work
Most of those are exercising mental muscles. Especially, the math, I've been wanting to make myself practice math regularly for a good year now. Just think of all the benefits that would bring, how well my mind would grow through that regular exercise. Consider all the ways I can't even imagine my life would be enriched if I disciplined myself to do all that stuff I've listed!
And you know what I actually do when it comes to allocating free time? I watch porn and play/watch starcraft/other computer games.
That's it! Why? Because I'm addicted. Over, and over, and over again I've over-dosed my mental reward system and formed a positive feedback loop with those two activities, such that I can't get any reasonable dopamine stimulation (governs motivation and reward) without either games or porn. I'm a dependant addict; though there's all this great stuff I'm just bursting to do, the only thing I look forwards to is one of those two. This is something that's difficult to talk about, and there are lots of people (especially those who spend almost all of their free time on the internet like me, and lots of TL) who share these issues, but don't want to face those problems, let alone admit that there is a problem and that they need help (again, maybe it isn’t, if so appreciate your blessing).
Remember that question about how you’d like to ideally spend your free time? Well for me, though I try, I find that those activities are THE ONLY way I spend just about ALL of my time, and I can’t do anything else without getting my fix ( I don’t look forwards to anything else but doing those), and once I do binge I’m unable to concentrate or focus on anything (yeah my ADD doesn’t help one bit, but pills wouldn’t solve these problems anyways).
I don’t know where I’m going with this, I aint got no agenda or mission except against myself, and my own demons, but if any of this resonates with stuff you may have at the back of your head, please, please don’t hide it or bluff it off. Bring it to the light, and work through it, you could do yourself no greater service [ok there are a few things that trump this, but not many]. Oh how I long to vanquish my addiction, restore my dopamine system to a healthy setting (rather than continual overdose), and grow and learn discipline. I want to do that stuff, I REALLY DO, and I really want out of this struggle, I want to be fixed, and if this is the case for you, I want you to be fixed too. Because we are called to live more than this shadow and shell of an existence I inhabit.
PM me, post a reply, but more importantly than those two (I’m confident that applies to almost every member of this site) if you watch porn, research this:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/great-porn-experiment-given-tedx
+ Show Spoiler [My Opinion on NoFap] +
Y’know maybe this should be a whole blog to itself, but since I don’t have the experience of working through the entire process yet, I don’t have the experience to properly critique the movement.
NoFap is fuckin hard, reaaally damn hard (look it up if you don’t know about it yet). The evidence for it is very convincing, the benefits abound, and frankly it’s quite empowering to break the shackles of porn dependence/addiction.
But what is absolutely key, and sadly completely missed by every NoFap material I have ever come across, is “why”. Why do you choose to deny yourself that gratifying self-stimulation? You can read all the testimonials you want, energy, motivation, confidence etc. They are great, but you know what the sad thing is? They’re almost all focused on Erectile Dysfunction (ED). Haha serves us young guys right that we’re less potent than some old men, shows how unnatural and distorted our over-use of porn is.
But if you’re choosing NoFap just to revel in overly (or naturally) high testosterone levels, to increase your sex drive and fuel your lust for actual hook-ups rather than virtual ones – simply put, you won’t be satisfied, chasing a goal you can never conquer.
That’s a macroscopic claim, looking a good 15, 20, maybe even 25 years down the line, and just about everybody disagrees with it since it turns away from immediate, animal, sexual gratification, and all of what society and the media indoctrinate you with. But I won’t be happy to just stick to my way and let you go yours, without considering ahead of time where ours lead. I sure can’t force you, but I can at least do you the service of fore-warning. Fok, this is going nowhere without proper structure and plan. That’s what happens when you let yourself go off on a tangent instead of getting back to your work.
OK, soon I’ll start the great “Male Chastity” discussion thread, it’ll be fun, though likely to be drowned by the dull droning of daft dumbfounded derps. [TL population]x11 tends to do that nowadays.
NoFap is fuckin hard, reaaally damn hard (look it up if you don’t know about it yet). The evidence for it is very convincing, the benefits abound, and frankly it’s quite empowering to break the shackles of porn dependence/addiction.
But what is absolutely key, and sadly completely missed by every NoFap material I have ever come across, is “why”. Why do you choose to deny yourself that gratifying self-stimulation? You can read all the testimonials you want, energy, motivation, confidence etc. They are great, but you know what the sad thing is? They’re almost all focused on Erectile Dysfunction (ED). Haha serves us young guys right that we’re less potent than some old men, shows how unnatural and distorted our over-use of porn is.
But if you’re choosing NoFap just to revel in overly (or naturally) high testosterone levels, to increase your sex drive and fuel your lust for actual hook-ups rather than virtual ones – simply put, you won’t be satisfied, chasing a goal you can never conquer.
That’s a macroscopic claim, looking a good 15, 20, maybe even 25 years down the line, and just about everybody disagrees with it since it turns away from immediate, animal, sexual gratification, and all of what society and the media indoctrinate you with. But I won’t be happy to just stick to my way and let you go yours, without considering ahead of time where ours lead. I sure can’t force you, but I can at least do you the service of fore-warning. Fok, this is going nowhere without proper structure and plan. That’s what happens when you let yourself go off on a tangent instead of getting back to your work.
OK, soon I’ll start the great “Male Chastity” discussion thread, it’ll be fun, though likely to be drowned by the dull droning of daft dumbfounded derps. [TL population]x11 tends to do that nowadays.
