It feels so nice to just have someone there to hold you. Someone who appreciates and accepts you just as you are. Someone that you can feel completely comfortable around.
I hate having it, just to be thrown out into the cold at a moment's notice. That warmth is something I don't want to live without; life just doesn't have the same appeal.
I shouldn't let something else be responsible for my happiness. I should be the one in control of my feelings and emotions. I want to close myself off completely, but if I do that I'll never feel it again.
This doesn't feel healthy. I want to lash out to show the world my frustration, but the world is indifferent. I typically live my life in a happy manner.
I'm focused and driven. I fill my days with activity that pave the way for the achievement of my goals. In a short time I feel I've grown a lot, and seem to have encountered a new plateau.
This plateau feels different. The answer isn't clear cut. I feel like I need love and acceptance, and at the same time hate myself knowing many never even have the chance to fathom what that means.
Who am I to complain about how fortunate I've been? Who am I to feel unsatisfied? These questions don't matter; the feeling refuses to budge.
The feeling can be beaten down, pushed aside to make way for other things. Any reprieve is fleeting, and at a moments notice it all comes crashing down atop me. I feel like I can't breath.
I don't want this kind of cognitive dissonance inhabiting my normally organized and attentive mind. Not only does it interfere with my goals, it pushes at the boundaries of consciousness ever edging in.
There must be an answer, but at the same time don't even know the question.
There there, feeling existential guilt being a part of the first world and not having the validity or pretense of credibility to express misfortune is something people simply don't examine enough. It will be okay, you will find somebody. Pat Pat. Just learn from the experience and keep going on finding what you've missed and be a good person.
On June 26 2012 15:48 PH wrote: Who needs girlfriends? We've got video games.
This is so true, I make up excuses about 50% of the time if I don't feel like going out. @OP These are all pretty normal concerns. You aren't alone, it's a pretty human thing
On June 27 2012 07:28 matiK23 wrote: You hit an epiphany with how people shouldn't control your emotions like that. Be in control of your reality and not be one's puppet.
So much easier said than done. Whenever I open up to someone I slowly become more and more of a puppet to my feelings, and eventually to the person. Really sucks and I really hate being vulnerable like that. So 99% of the time I choose to be closed down and alone I guess. At least then I can't be hurt, right.
When I read your blog OP, I could relate a lot, unfortunately I don't really have any advice or anything, just want you to know you are not alone.
EPT
