This will be the first and hopefully the last time I make a blog expressing my feelings on such an extremely personal matter but I feel that I need some extra support as I'm fairly quiet about how I'm feeling to those directly around me. Unfortunately.
I had just got back from work and checked my emails to see if my cousin had gotten back to me on the time for the visiting session for her uncle who had just recently passed away due to old age. I had been talking to her quite regularly recently as She, her Husband and two children are the closest blood relatives I have left.
I knew her uncle quite well too but not enough to really miss him too badly. He was very kind but I had only met him a handful of times. Anyway I saw a new email and the title struck me as odd but I already had a bad feeling seeing it. Not that I can remember what it had said.
Now I've never had one of those 'shocking' moments before. I might have called some moments shocking or said I was shocked but I've never really been at a loss for words in the same way. I don't even remember reading most of the long email. Her son at the age of 25 after not having a single problem the night before while on Vacation with their family in London, England passed away in his sleep. I've always had a very close bond with both of her children as they are only four and two years older than me and I looked up to them to a certain extent.
I actually didn't know how to react. I still don't. I sent a terribly written reply after staring at a blank screen for I'm not sure how long. Four days after their uncle died, this happens. On their first vacation in nearly 10 years planned for just as long. They are not middle class but in many ways they lived a happier life than I do and I respected them greatly for working so hard at their near minimum wage jobs and knew how excited they had been for this long awaited family trip.
I still don't really know what I'm trying to get at while writing this. I had plans to spend most of my summer with them after the trip. I was going to see them multiple times and they were even going to go as far as coming here to pick me up. It's rough. I've gone to more funerals than I care to remember. Some from very close family and some not so close strangers to me but known to my mother. Only once (very recently as well) have I lost some one who I would gladly fight to protect in any sense of the meaning. I was in the military. I knew what I wanted to protect. To have it disappear without being able to do anything is the single most painful experience I've ever had to deal with.
writing it out does make it feel a bit better. Thanks for reading. I'm going to make the long drive tonight to Barrie and spend some time with them. Something I should have done earlier. I've felt regret for the first time I can ever remember. It's not something I want to get used to. It feels terrible. A loss I am having difficulty coming to terms with. For the second time. It's much harder this time. Last time I lost a father-figure. This time I lose a brother.
Reality has sunk in. nearly 12 hours after I got word.
I promise next time I'll write a more cheerful blog. It's so rare that I write anything at all.