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Blogs > Puosu
Post a Reply
Puosu
Profile Blog Joined April 2007
6985 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-05-03 12:15:03
May 03 2012 09:32 GMT
#1
deleted

Critique?

Deleted User 101379
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
4849 Posts
May 03 2012 09:52 GMT
#2
Uhm... context?
Puosu
Profile Blog Joined April 2007
6985 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-05-03 10:15:54
May 03 2012 10:09 GMT
#3
It's just a short short fictitious story I wrote and due to me being unexperienced in stuff like this I wanted critique on it. On the english, on how it makes you feel etc. Wasn't most of this obvious?
Dead9
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States4725 Posts
May 03 2012 11:11 GMT
#4
tbh it sounds like you don't even speak english as a first language
i can point out some of the more glaring mistakes in the first section

"The modern day warrior, hero[1], stands out in the midst of any crowd, for his bright blue uniform emits a message[2] so strong not a single entity can walk by untouched[3]. The uniform[4], as awe inducing[5] as it is, is hardly enough to scare the most hardened of the crooks, therefore[6] our hero has partened[7] up with a weapon of notable size[8], a firearm, a lance of justice."
1. "hero" is a modern day warrior? or the modern day warrior is a hero? what are we even talking about?
2. what message
3. wrong word (unaffected, unmoved, etc)
4. still no idea what you're talking about. blue collar workers?
5. wrong word (inspiring)
6. bad grammar and punctuation (it's not "the crooks" it's just "crooks") (it should be "crooks; therefore," or "crooks, and therefore")
7. typo. also you can't "partner up" with an inanimate object; you have to personify the weapon or choose a different word
8. wrong words. is his weapon uncommonly large?

the entire passage is far too vague and the grammar/syntax is a bit spotty
the premise might need some work too
basically it's "cops are powerful figures, but sometimes they go bad, and then we need new cops"
Puosu
Profile Blog Joined April 2007
6985 Posts
May 03 2012 11:30 GMT
#5
tbh it sounds like you don't even speak english as a first language

I don't, but I'm still pretty horrified at the amount of mistakes you could pick up so quickly. Thanks for pointing those out, I'll work on it.
the entire passage is far too vague

I was deliberately making it vague because I was thinking it'd work well, making the story sound more mysterious or w/e, but I likely went too far or went into a completely wrong direction by thinking that way.

Anyways, thanks a lot.
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