EPTdeleted
Critique?
Clad in Blue
| Blogs > Puosu |
|
Puosu
7034 Posts
Critique? | ||
|
Deleted User 101379
4849 Posts
| ||
|
Puosu
7034 Posts
| ||
|
Dead9
United States4725 Posts
i can point out some of the more glaring mistakes in the first section "The modern day warrior, hero[1], stands out in the midst of any crowd, for his bright blue uniform emits a message[2] so strong not a single entity can walk by untouched[3]. The uniform[4], as awe inducing[5] as it is, is hardly enough to scare the most hardened of the crooks, therefore[6] our hero has partened[7] up with a weapon of notable size[8], a firearm, a lance of justice." 1. "hero" is a modern day warrior? or the modern day warrior is a hero? what are we even talking about? 2. what message 3. wrong word (unaffected, unmoved, etc) 4. still no idea what you're talking about. blue collar workers? 5. wrong word (inspiring) 6. bad grammar and punctuation (it's not "the crooks" it's just "crooks") (it should be "crooks; therefore," or "crooks, and therefore") 7. typo. also you can't "partner up" with an inanimate object; you have to personify the weapon or choose a different word 8. wrong words. is his weapon uncommonly large? the entire passage is far too vague and the grammar/syntax is a bit spotty the premise might need some work too basically it's "cops are powerful figures, but sometimes they go bad, and then we need new cops" | ||
|
Puosu
7034 Posts
tbh it sounds like you don't even speak english as a first language I don't, but I'm still pretty horrified at the amount of mistakes you could pick up so quickly. Thanks for pointing those out, I'll work on it. the entire passage is far too vague I was deliberately making it vague because I was thinking it'd work well, making the story sound more mysterious or w/e, but I likely went too far or went into a completely wrong direction by thinking that way. Anyways, thanks a lot. | ||
| ||
