deleted
Critique?
Blogs > Puosu |
Puosu
6982 Posts
deleted Critique? | ||
Deleted User 101379
4849 Posts
| ||
Puosu
6982 Posts
| ||
Dead9
United States4725 Posts
i can point out some of the more glaring mistakes in the first section "The modern day warrior, hero[1], stands out in the midst of any crowd, for his bright blue uniform emits a message[2] so strong not a single entity can walk by untouched[3]. The uniform[4], as awe inducing[5] as it is, is hardly enough to scare the most hardened of the crooks, therefore[6] our hero has partened[7] up with a weapon of notable size[8], a firearm, a lance of justice." 1. "hero" is a modern day warrior? or the modern day warrior is a hero? what are we even talking about? 2. what message 3. wrong word (unaffected, unmoved, etc) 4. still no idea what you're talking about. blue collar workers? 5. wrong word (inspiring) 6. bad grammar and punctuation (it's not "the crooks" it's just "crooks") (it should be "crooks; therefore," or "crooks, and therefore") 7. typo. also you can't "partner up" with an inanimate object; you have to personify the weapon or choose a different word 8. wrong words. is his weapon uncommonly large? the entire passage is far too vague and the grammar/syntax is a bit spotty the premise might need some work too basically it's "cops are powerful figures, but sometimes they go bad, and then we need new cops" | ||
Puosu
6982 Posts
tbh it sounds like you don't even speak english as a first language I don't, but I'm still pretty horrified at the amount of mistakes you could pick up so quickly. Thanks for pointing those out, I'll work on it. the entire passage is far too vague I was deliberately making it vague because I was thinking it'd work well, making the story sound more mysterious or w/e, but I likely went too far or went into a completely wrong direction by thinking that way. Anyways, thanks a lot. | ||
| ||
Next event in 11h 29m
[ Submit Event ] |
StarCraft 2 StarCraft: Brood War Sea 8276 Dota 2Hyuk 4958 Bisu 1253 Larva 753 Pusan 213 Leta 184 EffOrt 145 Sacsri 141 Shine 138 hero 128 [ Show more ] ggaemo 105 Sharp 104 Rush 46 Shinee 26 Mong 25 NotJumperer 24 Terrorterran 23 Noble 19 sorry 15 Light 12 ajuk12(nOOB) 9 Counter-Strike Other Games Organizations
StarCraft 2 • aXEnki StarCraft: Brood War• intothetv • Gussbus • Kozan • IndyKCrew • LaughNgamez Trovo • Laughngamez YouTube • Migwel • Poblha League of Legends |
The PiG Daily
TBD vs ByuN
Reynor vs Bunny
NightMare vs Bunny
TBD vs Ryung
Kung Fu Cup
ESL Pro Tour
ESL Pro Tour
PassionCraft
ESL Pro Tour
World Team League
ESL Pro Tour
Korean StarCraft League
Afreeca Starleague
hero vs Soulkey
[ Show More ] AfreecaTV Pro Series
Reynor vs Cure
ESL Pro Tour
World Team League
ESL Pro Tour
BSL
Sparkling Tuna Cup
ESL Pro Tour
World Team League
ESL Pro Tour
BSL
ESL Open Cup
ESL Open Cup
ESL Open Cup
|
|