EPTI got into BroodWar when a friend of mine described the game to me on MSN.
"Even if you've never played it, these matches are really interesting to watch. Right now I'm watching this orange terran beat a yellow protoss." he said.
I had some vague notion of what this meant. I had rented StarCraft 64 from an Albertson's in Las Vegas when I was only nine years old. I played the third terran mission over and over, but never won. I got my mother to play multiplayer with me once. Even though she humored me at the time, I knew she had no interest in the things that fascinated me. I didn't expect her to. I never got the game on PC and I didn't do much on the computer at the time except seek titillation. If you ran through my yahoo search history from 2001 you'd probably find a hundred variations on the word "boobs". That was back when a Playboy, to me, was mystifying.
"They're actually gonna cast some games in english. Check out the website for the GSI. Tasteless, the caster, is really good." he said.
I had nothing better to do. I had friends but those relationships existed in another world, when I was at school. When the bell rang those relationships were no longer real. Everyone disappeared into lives I couldn't fathom and I returned to the computer in our guest room to try to sneak porn past my mother and browse ebaumsworld.
The first game I watched was Isis vs Free on Katrina. I think I've said before, perhaps I recalled incorrectly or lied for no reason, that my first game was sAviOr vs Flash on Blue Storm. Maybe I felt like I needed my first game to be a more impressive one. It was definitely the game on Katrina though. I don't even remember the game now. What I do remember is laughing at (or with) Tasteless. What I do remember is being mystified by this gaming culture that I had regarded as laughable in its Halo fratboy parallel in the US.
Flash won that tournament and in my heart, I had won it too. I was only a few months older than him. He was like me. I could see it in his face. In his posture. Awkwardness, youth, perhaps loneliness. The crowd cheered for him like he was a god. Girls. Pretty ones too. This was different than what we had here. Could I become accomplished for a love of something as ill regarded as gaming? Could I be beloved?
Probably not. I suck at games.
But I felt a connection. I felt excitement. I began to understand what made sports fans fanatical. The vicarious emotional connection to a competitor. The tense mindgame between an eventual winner and his opponent. I watched the GSL games many times over. I watched some older games on youtube as well and begun absorbing knowledge of the game as best I could.
I thought, maybe for the first time I remember, and probably too late, about what it was that I was good at. I was always praised in school for my writing. I was arrogant. Many of us have probably been "the smart kid", the pariah in school who is envied and disliked by other students for being a damned teachers pet. A smart ass. I was him. I was also filled with much pathetic teenage elitism. Surely if I'm better than my peers, I'm better than everyone. A world class talent, right? I know that isn't so and I think it's the best lesson of adulthood I've learned yet.
I couldn't tell you how long it was after when I wrote Symphony of Destruction, the article that would later be edited to become my first TLFE. It was much less than a year. I had still never played BroodWar beyond matches with bots. I saw myself as a writer of some talent and wrote anyway.
My articles were and still are plagued with glibness, unnecessarily fanciful language and poor form. But that's okay. For once in my life I connected to a community and something bigger than myself.
I was well received. Shortly I'm on my way to an OSL viewing party with semioldguy and some other folks from TL. Some of them recognize my screenname. That felt unreal. I was overweight and had shaggy hair to my shoulders. It was Halloween so I wore a labcoat, a play on my stupid username.
Stork, my favorite player, had won. I couldn't tell you what made Stork my favorite. I saw the most of myself in him I suppose. Protoss had a nice aesthetic to it and he had a sort of formless way of playing that I really enjoyed watching. He could play any style well. He was well-rounded. No gimmicks. Just talent. He won that gold and I almost cried, I think. It was very late. Semioldguy was drunk on the floor. I don't think I had ever been around booze until then. I might have been 16 by then. I don't remember.
StarCraft became my obsession. It took a toll on my already ruined relationship, another horrifyingly teenage venture of being with someone for the sake of it and never letting go. Embarrassing. What started as a hobby born out of antisocal tendencies, became social very quickly. I posted prolifically on TL. I became part of the writers staff and wrote many articles and as quickly as I became a part of the community and a fan of StarCraft, the star died out and I lost interest. I didn't make good friends with the community, I felt belittled and disliked and my lack of confidence turned all criticism back onto myself tenfold and I decided to leave. It was immature. I'm still immature. I cringe thinking about it, but I feel no anger or sadness or bitterness or jealousy, but only disappointment in my personality and tact.
The intensity with which I followed and cared for StarCraft was not self-sufficient. In due time, I was burnt out. StarCraft 2 was released and that interest was smothered and laid to rest. This is not a blog about a bitter BroodWar fan who blames SC2 for anything. I hope people can find the happiness and growth in their love of that game as I did in BroodWar. As tumultuous and frankly, embarrassing as my time on TeamLiquid has been, I learned much of myself. My tantrums, writings, posts, arguments, are all reflected on and the emotions are recalled. I see fragments of goodness lost in the confusion of a teenager plagued by excessive self-doubt and the manifestation of dishonesty and tactlessness that shrouded the self that I had yet to know, or build. BroodWar was a stepping stone to the interactions and realizations that have allowed me to move into the next year and consider my character and find out what person I want to become.
In short, it was a damn good time while it lasted. Don't take this as negative. When I reflect thoughtfully, I remember the bad things surrounding my time as a member of TL but what I feel is that same feeling of warmth and joy that I could only get (and have yet to recreate) staying up in a proleague livestream and reacting along with hundreds of others to that brilliant hydra bust that just happened on a screen. The floating sensation my body would achieve at the hours of dawn, my mind hyped up on caffeine, my tired eyes being bombarded with the sensation of a breathless battle.
I suppose it might be over soon. Maybe it won't be. Even if BW comes back in style, for me it's over. And it was beautiful coming and leaving.
