|
I screamed inside my mind for the first time in ages. Not out of terror or even joy. It was a scream that broke through the boredom and numbness that had clung to me up to that point in my life. A scream that animated a child who cared for nothing, who was without hobbies and without anything to look forward to. It's embarrassing sometimes to look back at myself then. My conduct on this board, even my writings, but I will always remember fondly those nights spent wrapped in a comforter with Coca-Cola in my hand watching Jaedong play another game.
I got into BroodWar when a friend of mine described the game to me on MSN.
"Even if you've never played it, these matches are really interesting to watch. Right now I'm watching this orange terran beat a yellow protoss." he said.
I had some vague notion of what this meant. I had rented StarCraft 64 from an Albertson's in Las Vegas when I was only nine years old. I played the third terran mission over and over, but never won. I got my mother to play multiplayer with me once. Even though she humored me at the time, I knew she had no interest in the things that fascinated me. I didn't expect her to. I never got the game on PC and I didn't do much on the computer at the time except seek titillation. If you ran through my yahoo search history from 2001 you'd probably find a hundred variations on the word "boobs". That was back when a Playboy, to me, was mystifying.
"They're actually gonna cast some games in english. Check out the website for the GSI. Tasteless, the caster, is really good." he said.
I had nothing better to do. I had friends but those relationships existed in another world, when I was at school. When the bell rang those relationships were no longer real. Everyone disappeared into lives I couldn't fathom and I returned to the computer in our guest room to try to sneak porn past my mother and browse ebaumsworld.
The first game I watched was Isis vs Free on Katrina. I think I've said before, perhaps I recalled incorrectly or lied for no reason, that my first game was sAviOr vs Flash on Blue Storm. Maybe I felt like I needed my first game to be a more impressive one. It was definitely the game on Katrina though. I don't even remember the game now. What I do remember is laughing at (or with) Tasteless. What I do remember is being mystified by this gaming culture that I had regarded as laughable in its Halo fratboy parallel in the US.
Flash won that tournament and in my heart, I had won it too. I was only a few months older than him. He was like me. I could see it in his face. In his posture. Awkwardness, youth, perhaps loneliness. The crowd cheered for him like he was a god. Girls. Pretty ones too. This was different than what we had here. Could I become accomplished for a love of something as ill regarded as gaming? Could I be beloved?
Probably not. I suck at games.
But I felt a connection. I felt excitement. I began to understand what made sports fans fanatical. The vicarious emotional connection to a competitor. The tense mindgame between an eventual winner and his opponent. I watched the GSL games many times over. I watched some older games on youtube as well and begun absorbing knowledge of the game as best I could.
I thought, maybe for the first time I remember, and probably too late, about what it was that I was good at. I was always praised in school for my writing. I was arrogant. Many of us have probably been "the smart kid", the pariah in school who is envied and disliked by other students for being a damned teachers pet. A smart ass. I was him. I was also filled with much pathetic teenage elitism. Surely if I'm better than my peers, I'm better than everyone. A world class talent, right? I know that isn't so and I think it's the best lesson of adulthood I've learned yet.
I couldn't tell you how long it was after when I wrote Symphony of Destruction, the article that would later be edited to become my first TLFE. It was much less than a year. I had still never played BroodWar beyond matches with bots. I saw myself as a writer of some talent and wrote anyway.
My articles were and still are plagued with glibness, unnecessarily fanciful language and poor form. But that's okay. For once in my life I connected to a community and something bigger than myself.
I was well received. Shortly I'm on my way to an OSL viewing party with semioldguy and some other folks from TL. Some of them recognize my screenname. That felt unreal. I was overweight and had shaggy hair to my shoulders. It was Halloween so I wore a labcoat, a play on my stupid username.
Stork, my favorite player, had won. I couldn't tell you what made Stork my favorite. I saw the most of myself in him I suppose. Protoss had a nice aesthetic to it and he had a sort of formless way of playing that I really enjoyed watching. He could play any style well. He was well-rounded. No gimmicks. Just talent. He won that gold and I almost cried, I think. It was very late. Semioldguy was drunk on the floor. I don't think I had ever been around booze until then. I might have been 16 by then. I don't remember.
StarCraft became my obsession. It took a toll on my already ruined relationship, another horrifyingly teenage venture of being with someone for the sake of it and never letting go. Embarrassing. What started as a hobby born out of antisocal tendencies, became social very quickly. I posted prolifically on TL. I became part of the writers staff and wrote many articles and as quickly as I became a part of the community and a fan of StarCraft, the star died out and I lost interest. I didn't make good friends with the community, I felt belittled and disliked and my lack of confidence turned all criticism back onto myself tenfold and I decided to leave. It was immature. I'm still immature. I cringe thinking about it, but I feel no anger or sadness or bitterness or jealousy, but only disappointment in my personality and tact.
The intensity with which I followed and cared for StarCraft was not self-sufficient. In due time, I was burnt out. StarCraft 2 was released and that interest was smothered and laid to rest. This is not a blog about a bitter BroodWar fan who blames SC2 for anything. I hope people can find the happiness and growth in their love of that game as I did in BroodWar. As tumultuous and frankly, embarrassing as my time on TeamLiquid has been, I learned much of myself. My tantrums, writings, posts, arguments, are all reflected on and the emotions are recalled. I see fragments of goodness lost in the confusion of a teenager plagued by excessive self-doubt and the manifestation of dishonesty and tactlessness that shrouded the self that I had yet to know, or build. BroodWar was a stepping stone to the interactions and realizations that have allowed me to move into the next year and consider my character and find out what person I want to become.
In short, it was a damn good time while it lasted. Don't take this as negative. When I reflect thoughtfully, I remember the bad things surrounding my time as a member of TL but what I feel is that same feeling of warmth and joy that I could only get (and have yet to recreate) staying up in a proleague livestream and reacting along with hundreds of others to that brilliant hydra bust that just happened on a screen. The floating sensation my body would achieve at the hours of dawn, my mind hyped up on caffeine, my tired eyes being bombarded with the sensation of a breathless battle.
I suppose it might be over soon. Maybe it won't be. Even if BW comes back in style, for me it's over. And it was beautiful coming and leaving.
 
|
You lied to me...but yea, flash vs. savior was pretty good 
I'm sad that BW might be gone, o well...good times.
gg
|
Yeah, and now its dead. Finally!
User was banned for this post.
|
Bw meant a lot to me too. I would not be where I am today without the passion that BW grew in me. BW changed my life. It is my one love of gaming and that will never go away.
|
Hmm... GSL in BroodWar.. is this a big troll?
|
konadora
Singapore66357 Posts
On April 29 2012 20:16 Wurstbrot wrote:
Yeah, and now its dead. Finally!
gtfo
|
On April 29 2012 20:25 Th1rdEye wrote:
Hmm... GSL in BroodWar.. is this a big troll?
Sorry for the mistake, I meant to say GSI (GOMtv Starcraft Invitational)
Edit- Although I think the Averatec-Intel GomTV Classics were referred to as GSL around here mostly. I wrote the frontpager for the Bisu/Jaedong exhibition match in that so I remember it pretty well.
|
On April 29 2012 20:25 Th1rdEye wrote:
Hmm... GSL in BroodWar.. is this a big troll?
He is talking about the Classic Seasons, or rather, the invitational which Flash won.
|
After BW's over, I'm probably out of here. I'll stay for the community and maybe one or two threads, but that's about it.
|
On April 29 2012 20:27 DoctorHelvetica wrote:Show nested quote +On April 29 2012 20:25 Th1rdEye wrote:
Hmm... GSL in BroodWar.. is this a big troll? Sorry for the mistake, I meant to say GSI (GOMtv Starcraft Invitational) Edit- Although I think the Averatec-Intel GomTV Classics were referred to as GSL around here mostly. I wrote the frontpager for the Bisu/Jaedong exhibition match in that so I remember it pretty well.
ah :D That makes more sense. lol.
My first progame that I watched... not sure who against but it was a first person vod of ChoJJa.. that's when I learned what it's like to play fast I remember my first game after watching that, I hit 160 apm.. was so proud..
It was 12 vs 3 on Lost Temple... poor Chojja T_T
edit: I dont know why Brood War players are so elitist about SC2.. I played broodwar since I was a kid, and now I play StarCraft 2.... a lot of the top ex-foreignors have switched....
It seems like the people who dont actually play broodwar and just watch progames are the ones whining...go ahead, go play your sub-par franchises and miss out on the fun of starcraft in all shapes and forms
|
^for alot of us, it was the coming of age with the game. games dont have the same place in our lives, so its not just SC2 but .... life stuff.
|
Really enjoyed you blog as always! Maybe someday you'll write for sc2?
|
On April 29 2012 20:16 Wurstbrot wrote:
Yeah, and now its dead. Finally!
Ha! A candidate for the automated ban list
|
On April 29 2012 21:27 ella_guru wrote:
^for alot of us, it was the coming of age with the game. games dont have the same place in our lives, so its not just SC2 but .... life stuff.
and now a younger generation are doing the same except with starcraft 2
look at the age range on TL it's more or less a cycle repeating
|
On April 29 2012 21:29 Trezeguet wrote:
Really enjoyed you blog as always! Maybe someday you'll write for sc2?
Fat chance. I now have a laptop that can handle the game but I just have a hard time getting into anything competitive. I'm very wishy washy.
Also I don't intend for this to be a BW vs SC2 thread. ESPORTS is evolving and I don't think that's such a bad thing. That's an argument for another thread, not this one.
|
Hey mate,
Speaking as a fellow writer, i've enjoyed reading your articles. Sort of an honesty that came through, and some great tunes of phrase.
All the best of luck to you!
|
Very well written. Thanks for the great read
|
United Kingdom1700 Posts
On April 29 2012 20:16 Wurstbrot wrote:
Yeah, and now its dead. Finally!
You're such a fucking tool. You'll be in the DOTA bin soon enough.
EDIT: you're also wrong.
|
Man, Symphony of Destruction is my favourite post on TL. I remember when I first saw it I read it again and again for 5 times because I just loved the vocabulary and the words used to paint the vignettes of the story. I also adapted it for an English project once <3
Write more posts that is related to music please :D
|
Radfield
Canada2720 Posts
|
I see fragments of goodness lost in the confusion of a teenager plagued by excessive self-doubt and the manifestation of dishonesty and tactlessness that shrouded the self that I had yet to know, or build.
Nice one. I think I had an argument with you regarding paedophilia once ... Heheh...
All the best man...
|
On April 29 2012 20:16 Wurstbrot wrote:
Yeah, and now its dead. Finally!
You are a tool and BW is by no means dead. We'll still have tournaments and a lot of us aren't going anywhere. We play it because we love the game.
|
On April 29 2012 20:16 Wurstbrot wrote:
Yeah, and now its dead. Finally!
I wonder why you're not banned yet.
|
And TL will never forget you!
|
When I started to browse TL, I was an ignorant coming from gg.net and I was fascinated by the quality of the TLFE. I finally registered not long after you released Symphony of Destruction. Ha those were beautiful days ! I will also keep fond memories of Brood War. Thank you.
|
Thanks for starting the horror thread, it was quite entertaining and gave me some good scares and good laughs. Also the mention of ebaumsworld brings up memories of pre YouTube times.
|
Really great read. Thanks for sharing doch :D
|
On April 29 2012 21:35 Biff The Understudy wrote:Ha! A candidate for the automated ban list
I believe victim is more appropriate now.
Really nice read. Makes me wish I played melee in Brood War instead of UMS maps back in 2007. Sadness.
|
United States10252 Posts
My first pro-game, and still my favorite to this date:
sAviOr vs Bisu Neo Harmony
I'd call this sAviOr's revenge if anything. His win was so beautiful. This was my breakout and I finally found teamliquid.
Great read.
|
I'll keep it short Chris - my story is much the same. I first discovered the joys of competitive/professional SC:BW around 2007, idolized TL but never joined, then finally got stuck in and registered after following GSI. Though with less emotional investment, TL was a staging-grounds and place of growth for me, and also accompanied me through the pangs of high-school. FML, I've yet to fulfill my greatest ambition - Batoo 2008 Finals Writeup/BR, but that'll be one of my goodbye gifts to this community I've really loved but am slipping away from.
Heck, let's play some silly (SC2) UMS sometime, we should really get a thread going for all us in the same sort of boat, not really interested in competitive play, but came in BW around the same time (2008-2009). I feel distant from the scene, but instead of bemoaning the new kids, I'll work towards creating and reviving an awesome sub-community!
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
