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A few months ago I learned that my Nana had been diagnosed with both lung and liver cancers. I was concerned but tried to not think too much on it, close friends of mine have had and beaten cancer before so I wasn't keen on dwelling on the issue. To be honest I am very very good at ignoring things I don't want to think about.
An update a few weeks later though let us know the liver cancer was acting incredibly rapidly and inoperable.
My Nana was not exactly a young woman and had lead a full life but I was not ready for her to be dying. As an RN she had been in the delivery room when I was born, had helped raise me and Nana was my first word. Growing up she was undoubtedly the most important and influential person in my life. I couldn't stand the idea that some unfightable disease was taking her from me.
Having a former career nurse as a terminal family member is not easy. She was able to describe in great detail the way the her body was being destroyed and which medicines were working or not working and why. Denying that this was happening to her was not exactly easy and I spent a lot of time trying to distract myself.
Liver failure set in a month ago and she began to turn yellow from bile and other poisons being released into her system. I was watching the body of someone I loved destroy itself and there was nothing I could do. Rapid deterioration happened from there and last weekend I lost someone I had always viewed as omnipotent.
At some point in the last few weeks I have moved from denial to anger and irrational anger at that.
I blame Chloe, a wonderfull dog my Nana had for 12 years, for dying recently of her own illness and upsetting my Nana. That her death coincided with the sudden rapid deterioration of My nana's health is likely coincidence but I hate a dead dog I once loved anyways.
I am frustrated with my Nana for giving up at the end. For refusing all medication but morphine and refusing to eat. Just because it wasn't a beatable cancer didn't mean she couldn't keep fighting as long as possible. There were options available, not cures but chances at least to try and hold on a bit longer. It's selfish but it seemed so unlike her to simply give in, she was the strongest woman I have ever known and this seemed like a betrayal to her spirit.
Most of all and apparently most problematic is that I loath my new nephew. Born the day before my Nana died he was one of the last things she saw and talked about. I am not jealous of my stepsister's child, I hate him for being the last straw. I truly believe that seeing her first great grandchild was the last thing my Nana needed before giving up the will to fight entirely.
I'm supposed to be happy that lindsay's difficult pregnancy ended in a healthy baby, but I hate him. In my heart he killed my Nana and I want to write terrible things to lindsay every time she posts a picture of him on facebook. Maybe these feelings will fade but right now all I can think is that by his very existence Felix destroyed a life for more precious to me than he can ever be.
I have lost people close to me before but no one as close as my nana and never like this. Right now the hate in me is stronger than the pain of the loss.
Edit: I am aware these are not healthy or helpful thoughts, I cannot however magically stop feeling them. What I feel is stronger than rational thought though I imagine in time this will pass.
 
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I'm sorry. I know what it feels like to have family die, family that you saw every day and loved.
But I think you may want this advice.
Okay, you need to calm down. Sit in a quiet room and remember this:
No person is to blame and blaming others can only harm me more.
Got it? It sounds like you are trying to rationalize the death of your nana as being the fault of your own family. This is not a healthy attitude and will lead you to destroy yourself. I'm not even kidding. Get over this, forget this, and calm down before you say or do something you regret.
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You are an idiot.
Seriously.
You are 10 on a scale of 1 to 10 for irrationality.
Your Nana was dying no matter what. Reality is what reality is, regardless of your thoughts on it. There's no relationship between how much you didn't want it to happen, and it happening. You 'trying to distract yourself' or behaving irrational, have absolutely no impact on anything.
Your Nana was going to die, within those few weeks, no matter what. She was living in a state that wasn't worth it - to her - to continue.
The last thing your Nana experienced was seeing her first great granchild, and that was something she was looking forward to. You should consider that the last gift in a long, well lived, life, rather than 'the cause of her death'.
Cancer killed your Nana. Not you. Not a dog, nor it's death, nor your nephew, nor her giving up in the end. As a former nurse, I am sure she knew what she was choosing between, and she chose based on her knowledge that she was - no matter what - dying.
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@ aebriol
I already stated it was irrational hate, I'm aware it's an issue or I wouldn't be able to lay it out like I have. It's a deep seated gut feeling right now that can't be easily shaken off. It's also confusing because it's not like I hate lindsay for having a baby and she's still my favourite step sister. I'm angry at Felix himself and the circumstances of his birth as I perceived them, whether or not it makes sense.
How to explain this, it just feels right to hate him even if a small part of my mind is aware that it's not logical. It's not like I posted this expecting everyone to agree with me, it's simply an explanation of how I'm feeling right now. Am I crazy right now, possibly, will this pass, probably, does it make me an idiot, no. Everyone deals with death different, hell this is the first time I've found myself angrier about a death than sadder so it's possible to deal with different deaths in different ways.
@ Praetorial
I appreciate your concern.
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Thank you for sharing and I hope you feel better soon.
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You don't control how you feel, no need to rationalize your feelings after such a heavy loss. Just let it go and pick up the pieces when you're ready. My condolences.
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On April 14 2012 21:56 ladyumbra wrote:
@ aebriol
I already stated it was irrational hate, I'm aware it's an issue or I wouldn't be able to lay it out like I have. It's a deep seated gut feeling right now that can't be easily shaken off. It's also confusing because it's not like I hate lindsay for having a baby and she's still my favourite step sister. I'm angry at Felix himself and the circumstances of his birth as I perceived them, whether or not it makes sense.
I came across as unnecessarily mean in the previous post, I apologize. It's always hard to lose a loved one, and well - not all of us are rational when we are grieving. Far from it.
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I'm sorry for you loss. I'll have you know that everything you're feeling is completely irrational, yet perfectly normal. The positive side of it all is that you seem to have a rational voice in the back of your head telling you you're wrong, but it's currently being ignored because of your grief. I'm sure once you have moved past this sadness in your life you'll be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with your nephew, as well as grow to not resent your nana or her dog. Right now, it's important for you to talk to someone. I can't do much for you over the internet, but you can try talking to your family. If not that, go see a counselor. Most hospitals have contact info of counselors for situations like these.Please use all of the resources made available to you. It may seem easiest to withdraw and shut yourself off from other people, but that's only going to make it worse.  Force yourself to go out and continue living your life. The hurt isn't going to go away quickly, but continue on with the motivation that it will one day.
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EPT
