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Holy epic post batman, but this is my first blog, hope you can get all the way through it!
I'm sure you all remember grade school. Remember the social strata in grade school, how each and every kid was put into their "rightful" place by their peers?
Even though it was rarely talked about, every kid knew exactly where they stood in the ladder, and where everyone else stood. I still remember the most popular kids in my grade, their names were Corey Carr, and his buddy Mark Franklin. No one knew exactly why they were the most popular, they just were.
I, on the other hand, was a bronze leaguer, through and through. Not just any bronze leaguer though, I was so bad at the social game in grade school that the only kid with a worse MMR was a kid named Andrew, who smelled like canned spinach. So I had that going for me, I didn't smell like canned spinach.
In grade school I was made to eat dirt to get into the cool kids club, then wasn't let in, I was heckled and I was given shit constantly. In kindergarten I was chased around the room while a kid threw blocks at me during recess on a stormy day, and the teacher didn't ever seem to notice.
In 5th grade I discovered my love of reading, devouring the Redwall series and just about any other book I could get my hands on. Around this time I also fell in love with Nintendo, and I can still remember going to the bathroom with my only friend to talk about Pokemon, and how excited we were for it to come out (Red and Blue, the original shit, none of this black and white nonsense). I played Ocarina of Time for hours, but also began to fiddle with the internet, as we had just gotten our first computer.
So I survived with my friends, the mice and badgers of Redwall, Link, Mario and Pikachu.
In middle school I got tested for advanced learning and got placed in the fast program, reaffirming my spot as a social outcast. I had a small group of friends, fellow social outcasts, but I tried so hard to fit in that I was still the butt of all the jokes. I'd make up stories about all the cool things I owned at home, and then when friends would come over, I'd make up even more elaborate stories of said items breaking and disappearing right before they came over.
As high school was approaching, my dad wanted me to go the private all boys catholic school, Rockhurst (which incidentally, is where Day9 went to high school, he was two years ahead of me). Only two other kids went to Rockhurst from my school, Corey Carr and another kid who's name I now can't remember. Needless to say, we weren't friends, so I entered high school without any sort of social support structure. I fell immediately and unconsciously into the same role I had in middle school, being the butt of everyone's jokes. I didn't gain any close friends until the end of my sophomore year of high school, my very closest friend still to this day, Ben Molini. I got into D&D, played a ton of video games on top of it and just tried to survive high school. The rest of school passed rather uneventfully, weekends at Ben's house playing D&D and eating pizza. Senior year I had one girlfriend for 5 months, but I only got to second base until she broke up with me, and I later found out that she was a compulsive lier.
My parents split up halfway through my senior year of high school, the same weekend that my girlfriend broke up with me. That's when I started drinking, and started to develop my punk rocker, disobedient side. Nevertheless, most of my escapades drinking and being mischevious just entailed having a couple beers in the park by my friend's house.
I never ended up going to prom, or homecoming, or ever making any special memories in high school. Prom night I sat at home playing Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, beating the game in one sitting because all my friends were at prom.
My college experience so far has been... interesting to say the least. My freshman year I went to a tiny school in Santa Fe, NM with only 450 students. The girl I lost my virginity to in a rum induced haze ended up in a relationship with my roommate(who looked so much like a mouse it was eerie) two weeks later. The one girl I had a crush on had a boyfriend the whole year, and at the end of the year, I decided to transfer to the University of Missouri to go to school with my high school buddies.
At MU, I discovered partying. My friends and I would throw a party almost every weekend, and we would have 60 to 70 people at our house every party. Despite the massive number of people that came and went through our house, I never once got laid that year, and still continued my time as a bachelor. About halfway through second semester, I decided to drop out of school and pursue a job selling Cutco Kitchen Knives that I had been doing since I graduated high school.
That took me back to Kansas City for the most difficult 6 months of my life, almost getting evicted from my apartment because I was so broke, trying to run a business during the summer and failing miserably.
Then I moved to Minnesota for work, where I continued to be broke as a joke, barely making rent and getting enough money for groceries. I hated my job even though I had moved over 500 miles for it, always hoping for that big break that would get me loaded like all the other sales reps I envied.
Finally I quit my job, moved into my mom's house in Denver, then moved to Arkansas to live with my old high school friend Ben. I've since gone back to school and I'm in my third semester as a computer science student, at 23 years old.
I'm sorry you've slogged through all this with almost no apparent point to the blog other than to rant and rave about my miserable experience as a socially awkward, state hopping nerd, but I promise, it's coming soon.
I stumbled on SC2 a year ago, when a friend gave me his copy because it wouldn't run on his computer. I then stumbled on a friend who would then teach me how to play Starcraft, and slowly coax me out of the piss poor bottom of the barrel bronze level play I displayed on the ladder. Now I'm top 8 in Diamond, and hopefully getting into Master's next season.
I want to be a professional SC2 player, in part because I love the game, but more so because I want to make the memories.
I fought and struggled my way to where I am today, just trying to make it so hard that it all passed me by. Don't get me wrong, since I've gone back to school, I've shaped up a lot. I've never been a very depressed person, but I have since gained a lot of confidence in who I am and what I do. Although I'm not free of all my bad attention seeking habits, I've broken most of them. When people ask me if I'm happy, in the cosmic sense, I feel pretty confident when I say yes. But there's still something missing.
I don't have any of those cliche memories that everyone adores from high school in college. No high school sweethearts, no epic bonfire parties with friends, just pizza, and then beer, sitting at home on the weekends playing video games and D&D.
I'm reading Neil Strauss' book "The Game" right now because a friend of mine convinced me that it would help not just with interacting with women, but interacting with people in general. Part of me is terrified, I'm going to be 24 this summer, and I already feel that I'm past the golden years of my life, and I've already missed out on all the great memories that everyone reminisces about.
I went to MLG Raleigh last year, and that's when I knew I wanted to go pro. I love this community. I love everything about it, and I want to travel the world playing Starcraft being a part of this community. More than anything, I want those memories. I want to feel special, and I want to feel spectacular, and I want to do something that makes people remember me.
 
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repeating the same thing that's said all the time: don't "go pro" unless you are at least mid masters to begin with.
read up on the topic before making this an uneducated decision. There's tons of blogs with advice, warnings, info etc. and you don't make the impression of having read a lot of that. And that's bad. http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/search.php?q=go pro
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I doubt that you don't have any memories.
I haven't ever played dungeons and dragons, but are you telling me that in all those years that you played the game, you never made any lasting memories out of it?
I wouldn't put your aim on proffesional Starcraft 2.
If it is memories you want, nothing is stopping you. You could walk out of your house right now, and go get a drink in some bar you have never been to before.
Literally nothing is stopping you. But is that a memory? Why the obsession with having memories anyway?
From what I read it isn't memories you want, it is being able to look back and feel like you got the most out of it. Well...you are living in the present, which is the past that your future you is going to reflect upon.
So go out and do it. You want to get laid? Not that hard, random bars are a great place. You don't need "The Game" or other PUA stuff either. I'll give you a hint:
1) Smile, not so little that you seem dead inside, not so much you seem like a rapist/serial killer.
2) Make eye contact, then walk over there and start a conversation.
Finally, a word of advice on the SC2 pro thing:
Imagine that you truly pursued it with everything you got. Now imagine that rather than fame, money and succes, you fall short. Would you want to live that life?
Everyone wants to have a life of succes. A true passion is one that you wish to pursue, even if you fall short, even if you are mediocre, even if you die unkown and poor. Imagine your Starcraft 2 pro career without the fame and succes. Would it still be worth it?
Are you pursueing that fame and succes? Or are you pursueing that ambition? It sounds like the first, in which case you shouldn't go for it, the cost of falling short is too great, the payoff too small.
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As to going pro in SC2, I'm rereading it and realizing I overstated that. Going pro in Starcraft is my "rockstar" dream. I realize it's highly unlikely, and I know I'm not anywhere near good enough, and haven't yet put in enough time to see what I'm truly capable of. I'm not necessarily looking for money or fame, or even necessarily to get laid. My past experiences getting laid have been incredibly lackluster.
I appreciate the comments zalz. I'm not sure why I have such an obsession with it, and to be honest, it is borderline obsession. I think you hit it on the head that I just want to look back on my life and know I got the most out of it.
I really should have put an addendum on the "wanting to go pro" idea. Maybe I won't go pro, maybe I will. It's way to early to tell. I also want to get a job working at Google as an information security specialist. Regardless of what I do, I just want to do it all the way. I'm really passionate about Starcraft, but I'm passionate about a lot of things.
I wrote this blog post in part because I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm looking for. I know I'm happy with myself, but I want more in life, and I feel like I'm going to miss it if I don't do something soon.
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On April 10 2012 07:29 Tarrius wrote:
As to going pro in SC2, I'm rereading it and realizing I overstated that. Going pro in Starcraft is my "rockstar" dream. I realize it's highly unlikely, and I know I'm not anywhere near good enough, and haven't yet put in enough time to see what I'm truly capable of. I'm not necessarily looking for money or fame, or even necessarily to get laid. My past experiences getting laid have been incredibly lackluster.
I appreciate the comments zalz. I'm not sure why I have such an obsession with it, and to be honest, it is borderline obsession. I think you hit it on the head that I just want to look back on my life and know I got the most out of it.
I really should have put an addendum on the "wanting to go pro" idea. Maybe I won't go pro, maybe I will. It's way to early to tell. I also want to get a job working at Google as an information security specialist. Regardless of what I do, I just want to do it all the way. I'm really passionate about Starcraft, but I'm passionate about a lot of things.
I wrote this blog post in part because I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm looking for. I know I'm happy with myself, but I want more in life, and I feel like I'm going to miss it if I don't do something soon.
This seems paradoxical to me. On one hand, you're being indecisive, on the other you're stressing that time is running out and how you want to make your life memorable. I think you are afraid to make the wrong decision and waste your prime on something that doesn't end up making you any worthwhile memories.
And why do you want "cliche memories" that badly anyway? Is that still the bullied high schooler speaking that just wants to be the same as everybody else?
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You can't change the past but you can change the now. Don't get hung up on feeling like your missing out on something, just make the best with what you have. Don't make memories just for the sake of having them, go out make some new friends and just enjoy life. Forcing anything is never going to work the way you want it to, the waves are there just ride them don't try to make waves to ride on.
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While I understand that social awkwardness could impede on your high school party experience etc, I do not really understand how you have done nothing about the awkwardness or about spending your nights playing D&D or whatnot. Clearly you have a desire to do something special and have social interaction. Well, I can tell you that neither one of those things happen by themselves. I don't think you are asking for tips but I'm still gonna share with you because it makes me feel smart:
1:Go out. Apart from going to bars and clubs, try going out for a coffee somewhere in the afternoon. Take a walk in the park, read a book in the public library or w/e. Be among the people.
2: Don't try to make memories by drinking excessively or doing drugs (although it can help lol) but rather as i mentioned above, get off your ass and do something special (like visiting MLG seemed like a nice idea). Heck, go to Lan parties or D&D parties for all I care. Everything beats staying at home.
You realised you got the desire my friend, and it's time to feed it.
EDIT: Please dont stoop to the level of "The Game". Resorting to manipulation and trickery to cover up the fact that you dont feel handsome or interesting enough is really lame. Instead, try to actually be an interesting person.
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Part of what inspired this post, although The Game is a fun read in that it is outrageous, is it freaks me out that I would have to turn into that kind of an asshat to get girls.
A big part of my lack of social interaction right now seems to be my lack of ability to relate to people. I struggle really hard to find things in common with people, and as such, conversation just kind of dies. I mean, I have hobbies, I read a lot, I have a dog that I love to exercise and is a huge part of my life, I do martial arts, and that's all in addition to school. It's not so much that I have trouble meeting people, it's that I have trouble connecting with them and creating relationships after I've met them. To give you some perspective, last year I went on 12 dates with 12 different girls. Not a single second date occurred. I know I'm not a sociopath, but I just can't seem to get that deeper connection with people.
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On April 10 2012 13:31 Tarrius wrote:
Part of what inspired this post, although The Game is a fun read in that it is outrageous, is it freaks me out that I would have to turn into that kind of an asshat to get girls.
A big part of my lack of social interaction right now seems to be my lack of ability to relate to people. I struggle really hard to find things in common with people, and as such, conversation just kind of dies. I mean, I have hobbies, I read a lot, I have a dog that I love to exercise and is a huge part of my life, I do martial arts, and that's all in addition to school. It's not so much that I have trouble meeting people, it's that I have trouble connecting with them and creating relationships after I've met them. To give you some perspective, last year I went on 12 dates with 12 different girls. Not a single second date occurred. I know I'm not a sociopath, but I just can't seem to get that deeper connection with people.
Then maybe you should try to find people who share in your deepest interests? I'm kinda trying to think what connects me to my friends... I guess those friendships are mostly based on growing up together and experiencing things together...
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I'm going to start with a cliche "Life is about the journey not the destination" but it sums up my view pretty handily.
Just from your first post, it seems like social standing is very important to you. You were painfully aware of how you precisely fitted into the social structure at elementary school shows a lot of self awareness. I was aware of how I fitted into the social hierarchy as well but I was more towards the middle. "Fitting in" sounds all great but in my experience, as long as your happy within yourself, other people's opinion of you don't really matter.
I'll try to break down certain parts of your post.
Goals & Passion
Firstly, if you have a passion for something, go for it. Whether it's progaming or working at google or whatever, go for the gold. There's many, many people who will give you the realistic advice that you shouldn't because of blah blah blah. If you want it, you should go for it. They may be right in saying it's very difficult and the numbers are against you, but you know what? F**k 'em (no offense to others here). Do it and if you fail? Big whoop, at least you can say you tried your darnest, you tried to achieve your dreams and you fell down. Get back up and keep chugging. My dream was to write a book and people told me it was a waste of time, I would never make it, but I did it anyways. Did I reach my goals? No, but I tried and failed but who cares? I'm happy for the experience. You're only going to live once so why not do it while you're young and have the energy and passion.
Dating & Confidence
I've also read "The Game" and about the PUA community. It sounds enticing and very interesting but I thought to myself, would I ever tell anyone about what I'm doing? Would I be proud of myself? My answer was probably not so I searched for a better, healthier alternative. I read dating for dummies, online forums, magazine articles and many other self help/dating books. In the end, I read a lot of fluff and crap but I did find some gems among the rubbish. From reading about your experiences, you don't seem satisfied with your dating life and ability to connect with people. I think that when you spend so much time online or in more artificial environments, you don't practice your social skills as much as you need. Since you're a big reader, I've got books for you to read that will hopefully change your outlook on dating and confidence.
1) How to get a date worth keeping
Why? It's a much, much healthier way of interacting with people. You grow as a person to both see what you need to work on in terms of a relationship as well as see how you interact with the opposite sex as well. Again emphasis on journey not the destination.
2) 6 Pillars of self esteem
This is a more scholastic text but the actual information is very, very good. It talks about what it means to have self esteem, how does one achieve it and what are the root causes of lack of self esteem. You won't be able to read it in one sitting, small chunks at a time but in the end, completely worth it.
Below are some things I noted
Strengths:
1) You like to read which is a great asset to have, you'll learn so much
2) You're already getting dates so you've got to be doing something right (yeah yeah no 2nd dates but some people would kill for even one date, thats a plus)
3) You have a best friend who can support you if you get down
4) You have different passions on what you want to do
Things to work on:
1) Interacting with people more even if its very superficial i.e. post office, coffee, just talk about the weather or complain about whatever. Just being more aware of your surroundings and chatting with people.
2) Don't worry about the past so much. Think that your best years are in front of you and not behind you.
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EPT
