EPTI turned 22 recently. After years of repeated faillure to find a place in society, finally the jig is up. Nowhere left to run, no more excuses left to make, reality has caught with me and forced me into the corner.
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![[image loading]](http://cbimg9.com/graphics/08/10/64706b.jpg)
Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. FML.
So on that day me and my mother got up way too early to face the cold cutting wind on our bicycles, peddling our way to doom under the dark and threatening skies. It did not rain that day, but with our minds clouded we found ourselves lost on an industrial site. The realisation that we were going to be late sparked irritation and with the increased sense of urgency, so did the speed of our peddling and desperation.
Why hadn't I taken responsibility and plan a route myself?
My mother's face, lightning, she told me to ask directions at a group of industrial workers, around my age. I was too ashamed to face them so I pretended I didn't hear her, forcing her to do it. They didn't know or didn't care so we eventually stopped at an office so she could use the internet/ phone there.
I waited outside, letting the events wash over me like I have always done. Just a peon, helpless in the face of chance, struggling to hold onto my mask of indifference which weathers me from the storm. It felt like an eternity until my mother emerged from the building once more to the point where I worried she had collapsed inside, she was visibly shaken up, pale white with red blotches covering her face.
How can I put my mother through all this?
Finally we made our way to the Leo Kanner house which turned out to be a few hundred meters down the road. Both worn down physically and emotionally we were led to a room to wait, panic overtook me as I monitored the arms of the clock, I felt myself drowning with every tick pretending to casually read a Donald Duck.
When we were finally lead to the room where we'd discuss my intake, my armor was hanging by a thread. Years worth of unanswered emotions, insecurities and hurt were seeping through to the surface, creeping up from my spine, to my shoulders and neck, and finally flooding me over completely.
I sat there listening while my mother elaborated on my flaws, my faillures, my mistakes, myself. The experts nodded. I was trembling uncontrollably under the pressure and worried whether they would notice the table shaking under my elbows. For an hour I sat there, trying not to show these people vulnerability, using all my willpower not to buckle and collapse into a ball of tears, that dignity was all I had left.
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![[image loading]](http://www.worldofmonopoly.com/other/companies/lilly/2008/deeds/cornerinjail.jpg)
Just... visiting?
That was a month ago and ever since I've been working hard to get out of this grave I dug for myself. Being more open about my thoughts and emotions and talking them over with my psychiatrist and parents. Being more open to the world and people in it, regardless of my fears. Going to the gym, keeping in touch with friends and family (finally bought a cell phone lol) and rebuilding burnt bridges with my father. I even went out shopping with my gay hipster cousin for some new clothes.
So yeah, I had my follow-up appointment today, giving myself words of encouragement whilst buttoning up my newly acquired blouse. At least I would go down guns blazing I thought, sizing myself up in the mirror. But besides some nerves there where no dark clouds when we got on our bikes. It was still chilly, but the skies were clear and the sun shone caring, birds were tsjilping tending to their business.
As it turns out the people at the Leo Kanner house were actually very friendly and only there to help me get going. The appointment turned out to be more of an appointment to make an appointment, but we still got some worries out of the way and I left there on a good note. I asked my mother on the way back to look out for the book "The Art of Learning" by Josh Waitzkin and she seemed very interested, so I was elated with a clear opportunity to explain my passion for Starcraft as well.
We split ways as she went shopping and I was headed back home and that's when I came across a fat lady wearing a bomber jacket, strolling across the pavement. Normally not a very interesting sight weren't it for the fact that she walked headfirst into a lightpost.
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![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/OaKZk.jpg)
Bomber jacket, see it's Starcraft related
Her face went :O making an "oooooooh" sound when it started to sink in she had walked into a lightpost. For the second I was passing by we made eyecontact and her "oooooooh" quickly turned into a "dohohohohoho" -like chuckle. For the fist time in years in had a genuine ear to ear smile on my face, cruising along in my hipster clothes, it was just so perfectly funny.
As it it turned out, all it took was a fat lady walking into a lightpost to take down my walls.
I cried today.
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![[image loading]](http://images.wikia.com/monopoly/images/9/91/Go-.gif)
More Go, more skill
(my first post on tl is yours)
