[Girl Blog] You used me, but I knew it all along - Page 2

On March 19 2012 16:17 Golgotha wrote:What I am discussing is the fact that the OP is crying over himself about the shit situation he is in. Which seems hypocritical at best since he cheated with the girl when she was engaged....please if you really do work as a relationship counselor, you of all people should know what an engagement means. A boy was about to marry a girl and spend the rest of his days with her...but then to have it all come crashing down cuz she cheated on him, by fucking another guy.

Dude, there are ways you can end relationships, but to simply justify cheating because you are not attracted to the other person anymore is bullshit. Have the decency to call off the relationship before you fuck someone else...MORE so when you are in a damn engagement.

The OP might be having a hard time...but I assure you that boy who was engaged went through a lot worse.

On March 19 2012 16:45 leloup wrote:


Considering that things are rarely ever this simple I suppose that I should offer up this piece of information.

There was 0 chance of her marrying the guy before we were involved. Literally 0% as of when we got 'ridiculous' as we both came to call it. We have gone over this a vast number of times, and I for the longest time I had that in the back of my head, but I assure you, my involvement had no effect on her life with her ex-fiancee.

Granted, no excuse for the cheating, as that was wrong, but there is a whole lot more to that than what I've put here. There are reasons for that. And while relevant to the overall feeling that there is now is the least important thing when considered.

I think though that people have the wrong idea, which I understand. I'm scared. I'm scared to death of the fact that I now don't know where I can stand. This is a person who really cared. Is still to this day one of three or four people I have ever let in. Helped me through some of the worst depression of my life.

And writing that really just made me realize how stupid I was....

*sigh* yeah... this isn't going to be easy, but the important things in life rarely are right?

Final note: Her ex-fiancee in her words "was the worst thing that I have ever done for myself." Really no need to explain, but to satisfy the 'white knights' here about this particular topic, it was a relationship that was rushed into, rushed through and in the end of it she felt more like a status symbol than a fiancee. That was why they broke up, not because I did anything other than be there as a friend like she had done not even two months prior when my home life blew up on me.

On March 19 2012 16:17 r.Evo wrote:


Absolutely agree.

This is also the point I'm trying to make, it is completely fine to be pissed about being lied to and being pissed about someone else being dishonest to you. Cheating itself however is (most of the time) the result of an already badly going relationship. What this means, that there are (in most cases) two people involved.

Basically cheating is both persons "fault", being dishonest about it is the issue of only one person.


The entire process is however not as clear-cut (especially not for women who approach this less-logically than a man would most of the time), that's why I believe that a lot of the time the dishonesty wasn't even intentional at first. To really call someone out for that would equal assuming that the person knows all the details as to how relationships and, to a bigger extent, attraction works.


To go closer to the situation in the OP, men who aren't aware of this stuff tend to alienate possible competition while women tend to not understand WHY they suddenly are more attracted to the competition. They just are.

The result is a situation where the man believes he did everything he could (when in fact he should have done the opposite) and the woman, while feeling guilty, staying close to what her feelings tell her without being able to rationalize them (which is what the man desperately would want to hear).



@Golgatha: You're right. Sorry for jumping into this thread with an exaggeration into the other direction, was kinda likely that I offend someone with that.

The reason I did it was to draw the attention of the OP (who was already busy victimizing himself further with the whole "I deserved it"-speech) away from the topic of cheating. If you take that part out of the equation (which, as you said, is hypocritical anyway) you're suddenly in a spot where most of the victim-crap goes down the gutter. Basically you're left with the actual actions between the involved parties.

Telling the OP what a horrible thing he did to the other guy would just mean you're solidifying the "Yes, I know I'm a bad person and I deserved what happened!" which goes back to the whole victim role - as long as a person is in that spot it's impossible to talk about actions instead of feelings.


PS: I usually wouldn't talk about this without suger-coating it a little bit, but maybe the reasoning process here is fun for someone to read. =P

PPS: Actually it's a mix between "victim" and "martyr".

On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
I told her, that if she went back to him, that I would no longer be in her life.

And I hate myself for it.

On March 19 2012 18:10 missefficiency wrote:
Maybe I didn't see it, but there's one thing I don't understand and am curious about:

If you both are in something akin to a relationship for way more than a year, why did it never become a monogamous, official one? I just don't get the point of spending 5 days a week together, involving her cheating on her guys and then getting a new boyfriend even though you are still together in some way.