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I don't do this kind of thing.
I'm private, I'm reclusive, and I'm more than capable of dealing with my issues.
At least I have been... I've felt so alone for so long that this should be normal, it's just another example of my putting my faith in a person and having it blow up in my face.
But that isn't fair, and I guess I need to explain.
I have been crazy over a girl for the past year and 8 months. Literally she drives me crazy. And in this time we've gone through more things than pretty much 90% of all other relationships go through, despite never having actually been 'official.'
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. At one point we spent 5 days a week together despite one of us having to drive 40+ minutes to get to the other. And yet we've also gone through what is essentially 2 breakups, dealt with her getting a new boyfriend (a person who I can not tolerate), still having feelings for me, getting broken up with twice essentially with this guy, going on dates with me eventually, and now finding out that she never got over him.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
I don't do this kind of thing...
And right now I'm wondering just how horrible of a person I am. I can't stand the two of them together. I barely was able to keep my mouth shut whenever he was around before, and to be perfectly honest I didn't really keep it shut. Every chance I got I took my shots at him.
I honestly hate him.
And when he disappeared I don't know what it is I thought. I guess maybe I wanted to believe she was really over him, that she actually was falling for me again. She was certainly showing that she was. Up until they started talking again she and I were doing great. I got to take her out twice.
But now.... now I just don't know.
I feel like it was a waste, like that time didn't matter. That it was all for naught and I just want it back. I want to have left her alone when he abandoned her. Forced her to do it all by herself. But I couldn't.
I had to protect her, just like I always have.
And so now here I sit. The argument is done, and I've yet to even tell you what I did that makes me wonder if I'm the most awful person there is. I suppose I'm trying to delay it, I suppose I think I'm crazy for it, but it doesn't change the fact that I did it.
I told her, that if she went back to him, that I would no longer be in her life.
And I hate myself for it.
Because I don't do this kind of thing, because I'm supposed to be better than that....
EDIT: There is a lot of missing information here. I'm sorry for that, but it's a lot to go into. Right now I just needed it out of my head so I could hope to sleep/go to work tomorrow. I will say this, I hold no resentment towards her. In fact right now as I said, my issue is with me and the choices I made throughout this situation. I guess... I'm just trying to admit my faults and understand that I have done wrong. And move on to accepting that and going back before I let this slip away like I am very prone to doing.
 
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I've gone through something similar recently. And honestly, sometimes in the interest of protecting yourself, you just have to let it go and walk away from it all.
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Sounds like you're being selfish.
You're not even looking to make her happy, you're looking to make yourself happy with her.
Let her live her life, if you are the best thing for her, you'll be in it.
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I had the exact same problem at some point - minus my girl cheating for me or whatever, but that's besides the point.
I tried a whole bunch of things to try and make it "right" in my head, even the "if you talk to this guy again, I'm done" - none of it really worked in my case. Even though it felt REALLY awful at the time, I just had to close the book and walk away from it. Too much self-destruction and whatnot.
Good luck, but keep that in mind - sometimes you have to make a really tough decision to make life better.
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On March 19 2012 14:15 TerlocSG wrote:
Sounds like you're being selfish.
You're not even looking to make her happy, you're looking to make yourself happy with her.
Let her live her life, if you are the best thing for her, you'll be in it.
I know.... I'm not asking for forgiveness. Not yet. I just needed to type it out....
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I can tell you right now that wanting to make her happy should be your first priority. I went through something with a girl almost 2 years ago that lasted about a year before she and her 9 month boyfriend broke up. Now were happily in a relationship that's been going strong for almost a year. I can honestly say were both perfect for each other and the only reason I can say that today is because I fought for her. I wanted to be with her so bad because she honestly completed me! She made me happier then anyone could and she was someone I could always be with or talk to no matter what.
Now, even though my story about all of this would literally take me about an hourish to type (and if you don't understand why this is important then read my procrastination blogs lol) but basically for like 9 months I stayed close to best friends with her and I made her happy. I always wanted what she wanted because I truly just wanted her to be happy. In the end she realized this and that alone made her love me like she does today! 
So what i'm really trying to tell you is that if you want her that bad, fight for her but at the same time make sure she's happy. It might be incredibly tough but in the end it works out Good luck man!
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On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting.
Sorry, but what the fuck?
I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all.
No doubt, I would be in that 85%.
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On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%.
Long story, never was supposed to happen, both of us understand how wrong it was.
Neither one of them know... better that way, less drama... heh...
EDIT: None of our friends knew either. A lot was assumed. A lot of that was wrong, but regardless... you know.
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Man I really hope you didn't lose that many friends over this... You make it sounds like alottt which should never happen : O Personally This sounds like endless trouble, my advise is to move forward for your self.. Its never** easy but sometimes is needed. GL
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On March 19 2012 14:46 leloup wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%. Long story, never was supposed to happen, both of us understand how wrong it was. Neither one of them know... better that way, less drama... heh... EDIT: None of our friends knew either. A lot was assumed. A lot of that was wrong, but regardless... you know.
Well, cheating is cheating though. And if she's done it once, it comes easier the second time. This was probably for the best. She sounds really unstable.
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nothing wrong with you wanting to cut ties with her if you cant stand her bf. probably worse if you kept being friends and continued to be passive aggressive towards him. better for her and you if you just end the relationship (friend or whatever the hell it is).
that being said, you and her cheated on her bf and fiancee. you are a fucking dick. i would think you would focus more on that, it makes you more of an awful person than what you said to her about cutting ties.
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On the issue of cheating in the above two posts.
I know, I thought all of that. I knew that karma would come back to haunt me with it, and it did. And yeah, I know how awful it is to be so casual about cheating. It's hard to explain, and lord only knows it's so convoluted and complicated that it makes my head hurt, but both relationships ended less than a week afterwards. Regardless of this, cheating is still cheating, and is just one of the many things I am trying to work through in my choices that I made.
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You have no one to blame but yourself. you knew what you were getting into with a girl like that
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On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%.
this. do you understand that cheating on a boyfriend is very shitty thing to do? but she took it further and she cheated on a fiancee...A person she was engaged to...to get married for a monogamous relationship for the rest of their life. a promise that is just a step below being married and saying your vows. and you wonder why the relationship is fucked up? I dont get it, because instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should wonder about what hell you and her put the other boys through.
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On March 19 2012 15:30 Golgotha wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%. this. do you understand that cheating on a boyfriend is very shitty thing to do? but she took it further and she cheated on a fiancee...A person she was engaged to...to get married for a monogamous relationship for the rest of their life. a promise that is just a step below being married and saying your vows. and you wonder why the relationship is fucked up? I dont get it, because instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should wonder about what hell you and her put the other boys through.
Bullshit. Everyone cheats if better options present themselves. It's just worse if it gets out for a girl because of social conditioning.
On topic:
During what I can tell from your rant you made one major mistake. You made it clear to her that you hate her new bf. That is what made him more attractive than you. Plain and simple.
Embrace your competition. Belittle them. Talk about how nice they are. Be best buddies with him. That is what puts you over him and makes you attractive for the girl.
Edit: Wow, after reading some of the other responses in here. Stop trying to white-knight against him/her cheating. How is going into bed with another person something bad when your current relationship already sucks? Most people who cheat on their bf/gf are very well aware of that but just need the conformation in form of feeling attracted to someone else.
Does it suck for the dude/girl left behind? Yeah, sure. Did they have it coming? In most cases, yes.
If a relationship is already unstable "cheating" is nothing else than saying "I wanna fuck other people, let's break up", it's just the less open way. Why do I think it is acceptable? Because in those cases honesty has been down the drain for way longer than this incident.
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On March 19 2012 15:34 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2012 15:30 Golgotha wrote:On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%. this. do you understand that cheating on a boyfriend is very shitty thing to do? but she took it further and she cheated on a fiancee...A person she was engaged to...to get married for a monogamous relationship for the rest of their life. a promise that is just a step below being married and saying your vows. and you wonder why the relationship is fucked up? I dont get it, because instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should wonder about what hell you and her put the other boys through. Bullshit. Everyone cheats if better options present themselves. It's just worse if it gets out for a girl because of social conditioning. On topic: During what I can tell from your rant you made one major mistake. You made it clear to her that you hate her new bf. That is what made him more attractive than you. Plain and simple. Embrace your competition. Belittle them. Talk about how nice they are. Be best buddies with him. That is what puts you over him and makes you attractive for the girl.
lololol I am laughing my ass off. First of all, I feel sorry for you and girls that you will date. 2nd, if everyone cheats when a better option presents themselves....then basically the OP should stfu and deal with the fact that She found someone better. You seem to have screwed up your own logic.
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On March 19 2012 15:40 Golgotha wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2012 15:34 r.Evo wrote:On March 19 2012 15:30 Golgotha wrote:On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%. this. do you understand that cheating on a boyfriend is very shitty thing to do? but she took it further and she cheated on a fiancee...A person she was engaged to...to get married for a monogamous relationship for the rest of their life. a promise that is just a step below being married and saying your vows. and you wonder why the relationship is fucked up? I dont get it, because instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should wonder about what hell you and her put the other boys through. Bullshit. Everyone cheats if better options present themselves. It's just worse if it gets out for a girl because of social conditioning. On topic: During what I can tell from your rant you made one major mistake. You made it clear to her that you hate her new bf. That is what made him more attractive than you. Plain and simple. Embrace your competition. Belittle them. Talk about how nice they are. Be best buddies with him. That is what puts you over him and makes you attractive for the girl. lololol I am laughing my ass off. First of all, I feel sorry for you and girls that you will date. 2nd, if everyone cheats when a better option presents themselves....then basically the OP should stfu and deal with the fact that She found someone better. You seem to have screwed up your own logic.
I am in a stable relationship since 1 1/2 years and I frequently coach couples/married people as to how to improve their relationship and on topics as to how attraction works and how it doesn't. Because of experience and education in this field I am making a big part of my living that way with a not too shabby success rate (80%+). What about you?
What most people call "cheating" is nothing else than a result of not being attracted anymore to their current partner. If you aren't attracted to your current partner anymore AND the opportunity for cheating presents itself it is highly likely that the person will take it.
What's very obvious from the few information the OP has posted is that he showed her "new bf" how much he despised him. The very act of treating him as such a strong threat to his relationship with the girl involved was what MADE him a threat most likely. The "correct" way (aka the way that keeps the girl attracted to you in such a situation) is to not acknowledge the other guy being a threat. This includes talking nicely about him, making compliments and basically treating him as your little cool brother who would in no way be a sexual competition to you.
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On March 19 2012 15:34 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2012 15:30 Golgotha wrote:On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%. this. do you understand that cheating on a boyfriend is very shitty thing to do? but she took it further and she cheated on a fiancee...A person she was engaged to...to get married for a monogamous relationship for the rest of their life. a promise that is just a step below being married and saying your vows. and you wonder why the relationship is fucked up? I dont get it, because instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should wonder about what hell you and her put the other boys through. Bullshit. Everyone cheats if better options present themselves. It's just worse if it gets out for a girl because of social conditioning. On topic: During what I can tell from your rant you made one major mistake. You made it clear to her that you hate her new bf. That is what made him more attractive than you. Plain and simple. Embrace your competition. Belittle them. Talk about how nice they are. Be best buddies with him. That is what puts you over him and makes you attractive for the girl. Edit: Wow, after reading some of the other responses in here. Stop trying to white-knight against him/her cheating. How is going into bed with another person something bad when your current relationship already sucks? Most people who cheat on their bf/gf are very well aware of that but just need the conformation in form of feeling attracted to someone else. Does it suck for the dude/girl left behind? Yeah, sure. Did they have it coming? In most cases, yes. If a relationship is already unstable "cheating" is nothing else than saying "I wanna fuck other people, let's break up", it's just the less open way. Why do I think it is acceptable? Because in those cases honesty has been down the drain for way longer than this incident.
I'm not against this way of thinking, mostly. What I do have a problem with however, is the cheating itself. If ure gonna go fuck someone else, end your current relationship. How hard can it be?
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On March 19 2012 15:48 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2012 15:40 Golgotha wrote:On March 19 2012 15:34 r.Evo wrote:On March 19 2012 15:30 Golgotha wrote:On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%. this. do you understand that cheating on a boyfriend is very shitty thing to do? but she took it further and she cheated on a fiancee...A person she was engaged to...to get married for a monogamous relationship for the rest of their life. a promise that is just a step below being married and saying your vows. and you wonder why the relationship is fucked up? I dont get it, because instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should wonder about what hell you and her put the other boys through. Bullshit. Everyone cheats if better options present themselves. It's just worse if it gets out for a girl because of social conditioning. On topic: During what I can tell from your rant you made one major mistake. You made it clear to her that you hate her new bf. That is what made him more attractive than you. Plain and simple. Embrace your competition. Belittle them. Talk about how nice they are. Be best buddies with him. That is what puts you over him and makes you attractive for the girl. lololol I am laughing my ass off. First of all, I feel sorry for you and girls that you will date. 2nd, if everyone cheats when a better option presents themselves....then basically the OP should stfu and deal with the fact that She found someone better. You seem to have screwed up your own logic. I am in a stable relationship since 1 1/2 years and I frequently coach couples/married people as to how to improve their relationship and on topics as to how attraction works and how it doesn't. Because of experience and education in this field I am making a big part of my living that way with a not too shabby success rate (80%+). What about you? What most people call "cheating" is nothing else than a result of not being attracted anymore to their current partner. If you aren't attracted to your current partner anymore AND the opportunity for cheating presents itself it is highly likely that the person will take it. What's very obvious from the few information the OP has posted is that he showed her "new bf" how much he despised him. The very act of treating him as such a strong threat to his relationship with the girl involved was what MADE him a threat most likely. The "correct" way (aka the way that keeps the girl attracted to you in such a situation) is to not acknowledge the other guy being a threat. This includes talking nicely about him, making compliments and basically treating him as your little cool brother who would in no way be a sexual competition to you.
I get the psychology behind the enemies closer than friends mentality to appear indifferent to the "threat" and thus make it appear as if the new bf was of no concern. This in turn would wear off on the girl and lead her to think of the new bf as someone who cannot "compete" with the OP. It's common sense.
But that is not what I was discussing. Listen to what I wrote.
What I am discussing is the fact that the OP is crying over himself about the shit situation he is in. Which seems hypocritical at best since he cheated with the girl when she was engaged....please if you really do work as a relationship counselor, you of all people should know what an engagement means. A boy was about to marry a girl and spend the rest of his days with her...but then to have it all come crashing down cuz she cheated on him, by fucking another guy.
Dude, there are ways you can end relationships, but to simply justify cheating because you are not attracted to the other person anymore is bullshit. Have the decency to call off the relationship before you fuck someone else...MORE so when you are in a damn engagement.
The OP might be having a hard time...but I assure you that boy who was engaged went through a lot worse.
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On March 19 2012 15:55 ludic123 wrote:Show nested quote +On March 19 2012 15:34 r.Evo wrote:On March 19 2012 15:30 Golgotha wrote:On March 19 2012 14:37 Tipany wrote:On March 19 2012 14:06 leloup wrote:
She cheated on a boyfriend and a fiancee with me. We dumped 85% of all our mutual friends because of how judgemental they were getting. Sorry, but what the fuck? I'm really not sure why this has been ignored but this automatically puts me off. You're willing to be with a cheater? I don't understand this kind of mentality at all. No doubt, I would be in that 85%. this. do you understand that cheating on a boyfriend is very shitty thing to do? but she took it further and she cheated on a fiancee...A person she was engaged to...to get married for a monogamous relationship for the rest of their life. a promise that is just a step below being married and saying your vows. and you wonder why the relationship is fucked up? I dont get it, because instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should wonder about what hell you and her put the other boys through. Bullshit. Everyone cheats if better options present themselves. It's just worse if it gets out for a girl because of social conditioning. On topic: During what I can tell from your rant you made one major mistake. You made it clear to her that you hate her new bf. That is what made him more attractive than you. Plain and simple. Embrace your competition. Belittle them. Talk about how nice they are. Be best buddies with him. That is what puts you over him and makes you attractive for the girl. Edit: Wow, after reading some of the other responses in here. Stop trying to white-knight against him/her cheating. How is going into bed with another person something bad when your current relationship already sucks? Most people who cheat on their bf/gf are very well aware of that but just need the conformation in form of feeling attracted to someone else. Does it suck for the dude/girl left behind? Yeah, sure. Did they have it coming? In most cases, yes. If a relationship is already unstable "cheating" is nothing else than saying "I wanna fuck other people, let's break up", it's just the less open way. Why do I think it is acceptable? Because in those cases honesty has been down the drain for way longer than this incident. I'm not against this way of thinking, mostly. What I do have a problem with however, is the cheating itself. If ure gonna go fuck someone else, end your current relationship. How hard can it be?
Absolutely agree.
This is also the point I'm trying to make, it is completely fine to be pissed about being lied to and being pissed about someone else being dishonest to you. Cheating itself however is (most of the time) the result of an already badly going relationship. What this means, that there are (in most cases) two people involved.
Basically cheating is both persons "fault", being dishonest about it is the issue of only one person.
The entire process is however not as clear-cut (especially not for women who approach this less-logically than a man would most of the time), that's why I believe that a lot of the time the dishonesty wasn't even intentional at first. To really call someone out for that would equal assuming that the person knows all the details as to how relationships and, to a bigger extent, attraction works.
To go closer to the situation in the OP, men who aren't aware of this stuff tend to alienate possible competition while women tend to not understand WHY they suddenly are more attracted to the competition. They just are.
The result is a situation where the man believes he did everything he could (when in fact he should have done the opposite) and the woman, while feeling guilty, staying close to what her feelings tell her without being able to rationalize them (which is what the man desperately would want to hear).
@Golgatha: You're right. Sorry for jumping into this thread with an exaggeration into the other direction, was kinda likely that I offend someone with that.
The reason I did it was to draw the attention of the OP (who was already busy victimizing himself further with the whole "I deserved it"-speech) away from the topic of cheating. If you take that part out of the equation (which, as you said, is hypocritical anyway) you're suddenly in a spot where most of the victim-crap goes down the gutter. Basically you're left with the actual actions between the involved parties.
Telling the OP what a horrible thing he did to the other guy would just mean you're solidifying the "Yes, I know I'm a bad person and I deserved what happened!" which goes back to the whole victim role - as long as a person is in that spot it's impossible to talk about actions instead of feelings.
PS: I usually wouldn't talk about this without suger-coating it a little bit, but maybe the reasoning process here is fun for someone to read. =P
PPS: Actually it's a mix between "victim" and "martyr".
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EPT
