My room mate just literally blew up at me. He's a disabled man, and I've been helping him out quite a bit since I've lived with him, which has cut into me being able to work myself. He just told me to make sure my items are out by 12 tomorrow and he became very controlling just now, I myself am a very calm personality, I tried to reason with him in his own ways, but instead he kept getting angrier and angrier. I will be honest though, I am behind in rent($70, I have $50 coming in though.), but I have been donating my time and helping him out about 40-60 hours a month for no wage for 6+ months, even when I had no financial difficulties I still helped him as he is disabled(limited use in his legs.), but I do that because I just do that for people always, often people take advantage of it, even if I know they are taking advantage of me I still help them while trying to explain that I am helping them, rather than they are "taking advantage of me." (I don't know how to explain that part well.)
I said usually calm, but I'm a slightly bit frantic right now. I've always been successful in my life till recently when things just started going bad and getting worse and worse, they finally seemed like they were improving once they felt they couldn't get worse, I started to think to myself "Maybe I can own my own house and car again." Right now, I'm not thinking I can anymore. The guy threatened to throw a painting at me, then a cane, then threatened to beat me up while he is disabled.
The argument began from something very simple though, he stated that child support worked a certain way and it's mandated a certain way, but I mentioned it's regulated often state to state, and can range for how much an individual would pay, as I was explained this by lawyers before (Though I am not a lawyer and judge, I like to learn a little about everything.) He stated I'm wrong, and I said "Well I can prove it if you'd like." but he stated I am wrong, and I simply said, "Well let me pull it up on the computer." "YOUR WRONG, WRONG" he started to get louder and yell, I simply tried to pull up the information then he continued to yell at me stating 'I KNOW BECAUSE I HAD TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT." I just tried to explain to him "Maybe times have changed since then, because many laws depend state to state." but then he continued to yell at me, then he started to yell at me more and told me to "GO TO YOUR ROOM, GO TO YOUR ROOM." I continued not to yell back or raise my voice at him, and tried to remind him that he said he is working on not yelling and controlling his anger and his yelling. I tried to remind him about his pastor, or anything and everything he has stated before to get him to his senses, but he was having none of it.
I have tried to be a very honest individual since I was 13 years of age when I decided on a whim "I think I'll try to just be honest." Since then I've just continued to be honest, honesty was at first a form of entertainment because I was in a home of liars, later on it just became a good part of my trait, it also was the reason I have kept jobs, and lost them.
Ah, also to state, this is our first confrontation.
TL:DR Being kicked out tomorrow because of a weird confrontation with a roomate.(Maybe kicked out?) not sure what is going on.
Sounds like you might have touched on a sensitive subject with the child support thing. He sounds like he has some issues you probably don't want to be around anyway.
In the long run you are better off staying somewhere else. Even if you manage to keep staying there, try finding something else. You don't wanna staty with a guy like that.
On March 05 2012 17:20 Cyber_Cheese wrote: As these things go, I don't believe this is the whole story. Still, you're definitely better off elsewhere.
Whole story is sketchy to me also, but I have mentioned as much as I can remember right now including me being behind on rent. Which if anything stemmed it would be from that, I have been very tidy and even cleaning after the guy. Helping him in and out of the house almost everyday, grocery shopping and carrying his groceries also.
On March 05 2012 17:18 GertHeart wrote: Wow 3 people have stated pretty much the same thing, I'm kinda amazed nobody has stated anything else.
Well they do have a point. Getting angry about how child support laws function is comically absurd, and the rest of the stuff makes mr. roommate seem completely awful to live with.
Hey man sorry to hear about that, I think there is still a chance that maybe tomorrow this guy will wake up and change his mind. However if he doesn't you should wake up kinda early and figure out your shit ha. Is there any family you can stay with until you find a new place??
Having lived with someone who I suspect to be bipolar, I advise you to wait this out and see if he still feels the same way tomorrow. People who get this irrationally angry over nothing are usually just in a certain mood that will pass; you didn't really DO anything wrong, and I suspect he will realize that if given some time to think about it. If he doesn't, it's probably best that you GTFO of there anyway. If this becomes a regular occurrence, I would also advise leaving, but seeing as it's the first confrontation of this kind, it may just be an anomaly.
On March 05 2012 17:28 cmen15 wrote: Hey man sorry to hear about that, I think there is still a chance that maybe tomorrow this guy will wake up and change his mind. However if he doesn't you should wake up kinda early and figure out your shit ha. Is there any family you can stay with until you find a new place??
Unfortunately there isn't my family is in WA, I am in AZ. A fellow friend gamer from LoL said he could maybe help me, not sure? but that's nor here nor there obviously. He said he may know some people here in AZ that could help me.
On March 05 2012 17:31 3clipse wrote: Having lived with someone who I suspect to be bipolar, I advise you to wait this out and see if he still feels the same way tomorrow. People who get this irrationally angry over nothing are usually just in a certain mood that will pass; you didn't really DO anything wrong, and I suspect he will realize that if given some time to think about it. If he doesn't, it's probably best that you GTFO of there anyway. If this becomes a regular occurrence, I would also advise leaving, but seeing as it's the first confrontation of this kind, it may just be an anomaly.
This is what I thought too, maybe it may blow over, and it's the first confrontation. But a lot of the people saying otherwise. And I will make this comment about TL, TL doesn't have the dumbest people in the world, the people here are usually pretty intelligent overall.
On March 05 2012 16:37 GertHeart wrote: "GO TO YOUR ROOM, GO TO YOUR ROOM."
Should have screamed "I HATE YOU, I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN" and slammed the door.
He actually ended up slamming my door, also his dog was afraid to approach him, I had to carry his dog out for him calmly, it kept running back into my room over and over. In AZ slamming a door is considered Domestic Violence.
He shouldn't explode on to you like that, but I feel sorry for him. Actually, you are wrong - child support is a very punishing thing on an individual.
What happens is that a judge will mandate a certain amount of child support. If the man's circumstances change (e.g. getting disabled), the amount of money needed to be paid doesn't decrease. The authorities come hunting for people in such situations because the amount of revenue they get depends on the amount of money they manage to collect. They are very tough on such people, even threatening imprisonment for failure to pay. This is why they don't care about child custody violations (because they get no money) but are so stringent on child support.
Such a situation is enough to drive people insane.
If a roomate would seriously tell me to "go to my room," I would push them off a flight of stairs. I am not a violent person but people that think they can be that disrespectful to a peer are the worst.
I don't know why anyone would stand for such an insult.
Then again, I wouldn't stand for people being late on rent either. So I guess I would kick the both of you from the appartment.
On March 05 2012 16:37 GertHeart wrote: "GO TO YOUR ROOM, GO TO YOUR ROOM."
Should have screamed "I HATE YOU, I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN" and slammed the door.
He actually ended up slamming my door, also his dog was afraid to approach him, I had to carry his dog out for him calmly, it kept running back into my room over and over. In AZ slamming a door is considered Domestic Violence.
He must be really unpleasant to live with. He'll probably calm down tomorrow but if he ends up kicking you out at least you won't have to live with him anymore. I know that's cold comfort if you don't have anywhere else to go though.
On March 05 2012 17:48 Azzur wrote: He shouldn't explode on to you like that, but I feel sorry for him. Actually, you are wrong - child support is a very punishing thing on an individual.
I don't see where the OP said anything that goes against that notion.
On March 05 2012 17:48 Azzur wrote: He shouldn't explode on to you like that, but I feel sorry for him. Actually, you are wrong - child support is a very punishing thing on an individual.
What happens is that a judge will mandate a certain amount of child support. If the man's circumstances change (e.g. getting disabled), the amount of money needed to be paid doesn't decrease. The authorities come hunting for people in such situations because the amount of revenue they get depends on the amount of money they manage to collect. This is why they don't care about child custody violations (because they get no money) but are so stringent on child support.
Such a situation is enough to drive people insane.
The child support issue wasn't regarding him. But he had to do it in the past, but he is 65 years old and his youngest son is older than even me.(I am 26)
On March 05 2012 16:37 GertHeart wrote: "GO TO YOUR ROOM, GO TO YOUR ROOM."
Should have screamed "I HATE YOU, I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN" and slammed the door.
He actually ended up slamming my door, also his dog was afraid to approach him, I had to carry his dog out for him calmly, it kept running back into my room over and over. In AZ slamming a door is considered Domestic Violence.
He must be really unpleasant to live with. He'll probably calm down tomorrow but if he ends up kicking you out at least you won't have to live with him anymore. I know that's cold comfort if you don't have anywhere else to go though.
On March 05 2012 17:48 Azzur wrote: He shouldn't explode on to you like that, but I feel sorry for him. Actually, you are wrong - child support is a very punishing thing on an individual.
I don't see where the OP said anything that goes against that notion.
I'm merely enlightening the OP on how difficult it is (from the writing, the OP thinks it's not that bad).
Money talks. If he's paying your rent so you guys don't get evicted, he can do whatever he wants as far as I'm concerned. You don't pay, you don't live there... kinda simple.
On March 05 2012 16:37 GertHeart wrote: "GO TO YOUR ROOM, GO TO YOUR ROOM."
Should have screamed "I HATE YOU, I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN" and slammed the door.
He actually ended up slamming my door, also his dog was afraid to approach him, I had to carry his dog out for him calmly, it kept running back into my room over and over. In AZ slamming a door is considered Domestic Violence.
He must be really unpleasant to live with. He'll probably calm down tomorrow but if he ends up kicking you out at least you won't have to live with him anymore. I know that's cold comfort if you don't have anywhere else to go though.
On March 05 2012 17:48 Azzur wrote: He shouldn't explode on to you like that, but I feel sorry for him. Actually, you are wrong - child support is a very punishing thing on an individual.
I don't see where the OP said anything that goes against that notion.
I'm merely enlightening the OP on how difficult it is (from the writing, the OP thinks it's not that bad).
It's not about thinking it is very bad. I had no intention of making it a better or worse thing, I just was simply stating that the laws are different from state to state in the US, which they are.
He'll probably have calmed down by tomorrow, try speaking to him then, and be sure to admit to him that you were wrong, even if you weren't.
If you do end up getting kicked out however, ask friends or parents if there's a possibility that you could stay there for a little while while you find a new place where you can live. And even if you do end up staying, starting to look for a new place would probably be a good idea, since you never know how long it'll be until he wants to kick you out again.
On March 05 2012 16:37 GertHeart wrote: "GO TO YOUR ROOM, GO TO YOUR ROOM."
Should have screamed "I HATE YOU, I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN" and slammed the door.
He actually ended up slamming my door, also his dog was afraid to approach him, I had to carry his dog out for him calmly, it kept running back into my room over and over. In AZ slamming a door is considered Domestic Violence.
He must be really unpleasant to live with. He'll probably calm down tomorrow but if he ends up kicking you out at least you won't have to live with him anymore. I know that's cold comfort if you don't have anywhere else to go though.
On March 05 2012 17:48 Azzur wrote: He shouldn't explode on to you like that, but I feel sorry for him. Actually, you are wrong - child support is a very punishing thing on an individual.
I don't see where the OP said anything that goes against that notion.
I'm merely enlightening the OP on how difficult it is (from the writing, the OP thinks it's not that bad).
Poor choice of words there, he never actually said he thought it was not that bad and their argument had nothing to do with that, saying that he is wrong is, wrong.
You'll be ok hopefully, it'll be a tough patch but you'll come out better for it. And hey: hey's an insane old geezer without legs. Your life's a lot better than him. If he thinks being old and disabled is license to be an ungrateful dick, fuck it. Let him live or die alone and miserable.
You seem like a nice person, if you're being honest. I'm sure someone else will want to live with you.
HOWEVER, if you do want to continue living there despite everything, the nature of the relationship has to change. You can't be a doormat. Straight up tell him: "you think you'll find some other sucker willing to do all this shit for free? Either I walk out right now and you can shell out for a full time nurse, you old cunt, or you shut the fuck up and we pretend this never happened."
Hey, if he's kicking you out, this will at least let you leave with the last word.
First off, he is in the right to kick you out I think if you are behind in rent.
Second, he sounds like a really unpleasant individual, and I think you would be better off finding a different place to live.
But that might be hard on short notice, so I would try to start looking immediately, and apologize to him even if he was wrong.
Simply put, if he is acting that way, nothing can be gained from waiting and hoping he 'sees you were right and he was wrong' ... but it won't be pleasant living there either. So, do both.
as people have stated most likely it was a sensitive point for him. maybe he got fucked over. it could be connected to all kinds of things. he might have some pent-up rage from feeling disabled and helpless, having to receive so much care from his environment and this was just the trigger. was there nothing at all leading up to this point? sorry bro but it seems a bit weird. there must have been smth.
i dunno, you should probably talk to him when he's calmed down. do you like your roomie? you've not said anything about what you personally think about him which probably is the most important point. if you like living there normally, go talk to him, straighten things out, ask why he was so mad and if he still wants you to move.
besides, helping him out 40-60 hrs/month is probably not the best thing if you're behind in rent unless you've some sort of agreement. get another job instead and let him sort his disability out himself. get your shit together first and then worry about others.
even if you are the nicest person in the world there are gonna be people that dont like you, the question is, do you want him to be reasonable? or do you want to survive? if you want to survive fake "beg" him, apologizes, cry, do whatever necessary to stay a couple of days more until you find a place, but if you dont want to be an "hypocrite", well good luck with your situation, life is not fair, the world is not fair, honest people get fucked up by bad people all the time, been "honest" to him is probably gonna get you in the streets.
To the people saying he has the right to kick him out because he's behind $20 in rent: yeah, sure he does technically but 1) with the insane amount of help the OP provides for this guy for free, that's completely barbaric to do such a thing over an insignificant amount. 2) that's not even the reason for him getting kicked out. the reason is clearly because of the stupid argument. he's abusing his power by kicking him out because he didn't have a solid response to visible facts.
Anyway, it looks like you're best off getting out of there anyway. You can't take a bus back home to stay with your parents until you find a new place or something?
On March 05 2012 19:45 Grobyc wrote: To the people saying he has the right to kick him out because he's behind $20 in rent: yeah, sure he does technically but 1) with the insane amount of help the OP provides for this guy for free, that's completely barbaric to do such a thing over an insignificant amount. 2) that's not even the reason for him getting kicked out. the reason is clearly because of the stupid argument. he's abusing his power by kicking him out because he didn't have a solid response to visible facts.
Anyway, it looks like you're best off getting out of there anyway. You can't take a bus back home to stay with your parents until you find a new place or something?
On March 05 2012 16:37 GertHeart wrote: "GO TO YOUR ROOM, GO TO YOUR ROOM."
Should have screamed "I HATE YOU, I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN" and slammed the door.
Family is in WA, I am in AZ, a bus is not viable. a plane ticket is not viable. I only kept 3 dollars to myself for bus fare to an interview and back when I'd get one, everywhere else I walk. And waiting and trying to setup and interview to get a job. It's getting late now, and well I have been looking for another option, i already had to pawn my PS3 and collection of 150+ games PS2/3, and it was an MGS PS3 backwards compatible =/ the expensive one. Sigh.
I don't get why there was an argument in the first place. You clearly overdid it with insisting on "pulling the facts up on the computer" when he clearly wasn't interested in facts.
Young, succesful people who are honest all the time often come of as smart asses and he clearly would've like to make a point about being right with something he has experience in (paying child support).
Doesn't matter now though. If I were you, I'd wait until he has calmed down and tell him that you're sorry for coming of as a smart ass. Don't suck up to him. Also tell him that you know that you're behind in rent, and have been trying to make up for it by helping him out.
You guys live together and you need to come to an agreement. You need to tell him what he can do and what he can't do with you. Maybe if you man up and talk it through you can solve this. Otherwise call your parents and get on a bus home or crash at a friends place.
On March 05 2012 17:31 3clipse wrote: Having lived with someone who I suspect to be bipolar, I advise you to wait this out and see if he still feels the same way tomorrow. People who get this irrationally angry over nothing are usually just in a certain mood that will pass; you didn't really DO anything wrong, and I suspect he will realize that if given some time to think about it. If he doesn't, it's probably best that you GTFO of there anyway. If this becomes a regular occurrence, I would also advise leaving, but seeing as it's the first confrontation of this kind, it may just be an anomaly.
Yea, but i would just start looking for a new place just in case.
if he continues to be pissy with you then shout back at him you are too weak in your current form. sometimes you need to bristle up your hairs and shout back. no way are you leaving your house in the next X weeks , until you can afford it. dont even think about it. he wants you to move out? what a fucking asshole, you must be joking. if you need to tell him why you cant move out then its because YOU HAVE NOWHERE TO FUCKING GO!!! then slam your door. you dont always have to look up to people. yes you owe him some money but its not the end of the fucking world, for either of you.
by the way, just because you shouted at someone or someone shouted at you doesnt mean the end of the world. it doesnt mean you hate each other, it doesnt mean pretty much anything. you're just not used to it, give it a try and you'll realise it isnt all that bad after all. how would YOU know , anyway, since you've never done it!
He just told me if I can get the 20 dollars by the end of the week he's going to give me a free month of rent =/ now I just have to go get 20 dollars somehow, I guess that's that. But I still don't feel secure, it's not that I am "afraid" but rather survival instincts possibly kicked in for me.
I appreciate all the advice and criticism you have all given in this case. I've always been a very giving person, I'd even give the shirt off my back to help people, it's just what kind of person I am. I wasn't looking for an apology from him either, I am guessing this is his form of saying "I'm sorry, I know you've helped me a lot."
The thing is if he had kicked me out at 12 today, I'd still have done the things that he asked me to do for him. Many might think that is stupid, but it's always been my kind of work ethic/relationship ethic. I've hated being in relationships with women who whenever they are "mad" at you they wouldn't do their end of the bargain while I always did mine regardless of being mad or happy.
Sounds like hes an ungrateful asshole, Disabled or not, no excuse for controlling mean behavior. Maybe he should consider the 70$ your behind in rent is a hell of alot cheaper then paying someone to wipe his ass for him.
EDIT: Just re-read the "go to your room part" move out and leave him to literally sit in his own shit.
Next time you're behind his wheel-chair, say this "YOU LIKE ICECREAM DONT YOU ANDY?" EDIT: Probably a bit harsh coming to think of it. Haha. God I'm a bastard
To Tyler, life has been pretty difficult, but at least I am only 20 dollars short and not 600 or 800+ or 2 months-6 months behind.
We just had a "meeting" it was just me and him. unfortunately he gave me crocodile tears and 'begged' for my forgiveness and requested that I not hate him. I told him straight forwardly that i do not hate people, it's not me, if I were to be shot by someone I would not hate them if they attacked my family I would not hate them. You do not need to hate someone to protect your family though, I also mentioned to him I have been attempting to be a pacifist, which I have done quite well for almost 3 years now.
Issue is, he mentioned that I questioned his beliefs, I never quested his beliefs I did try to remind him that he has stated he will try to work on his anger and also I did mention his pastor, he tried to mention the whole child support topic again stating at first that he was 'right' but I intervened and noted to him that, it does not matter to me.
There are a few issues though, I overheard him say earlier that he has two useless room mates that do nothing for him, as I've mentioned I have invested 40-60 hours a month to help him out with just being generous, yet him being ungrateful is somewhat demoralizing, it's feels worse because he bashed it saying I did nothing, instead of taking responsibility for his actions. He also stated that he'd have no issues being violent. And I can not get legal advice as I can barely come up with 20 dollars. I also don't believe a lawyer is necessary in this situation. A voice of many heads, would be better so I can see different opinions.
You didn't really answer my question, what exactly IS your situation? All you do is write over and over that your situation is difficult... I understand that you're helping this man out very frequently but beyond that do you have any form of income? You seem to be his live-in nurse or aide at this point...
I have been in this situation before and it sucks. Tell him that you are sorry if you some how offended him, but he can't treat you like that. As others have said this sounds like a bad situation to live in, and in my experience, youll want to get out of there sooner than later. Calm the situation, and start looking for a new place. Good luck man.
He forgave the 20 dollars I was behind apparently... Also, I've been pretty stern every time I've spoke to him. What I do for him would be considered a job to most people, and what I do for him is things I would do for anyone who wouldn't be disabled also, just to help out. So now I am not "20 dollars behind." I am fully caught up magically now. I'm trying to get employment and fix my situations now, but what happened is just not healthy.
On March 06 2012 08:04 WritersBlock wrote: Am I the only person who read this and thought it was a troll thread with Op being Wilson and the cripple in the legs roommate being House lol
I would hope so. I'm not a troll, I'm an anti-troller if I ever do trolling. It has to be against someone who is trolling themselves, and I wouldn't do it to my beloved TL community, you don't realize how good this community is related to others =/
All I can say is if this guy needs 40-60 hours of your help per week, then he clearly depends on you and probably isn't in ANY position to kick you out. Realistically, you should not have to pay him any rent as you are working more than a full time job caring for him, which is something people get paid for. On top of that, being 20-70 dollars behind on rent is nothing, it is absurd to kick someone out over something that little.
If I had to guess, I might think this guy feels helpless, unable to care for himself, and is frustrated by being completely at the mercy of others and is just taking it out on you because you are letting him.
On the other hand, if he is in well enough physical condition to threaten you physically, then he does not require 40-60 hours of aid per weak and you may again be allowing him to take advantage of you, ultimately harming you both.
Standing up for yourself does not have to mean being hostile, aggressive, or uncaring.
EPT
