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Blogs > Foooky
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Foooky
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Australia205 Posts
November 25 2011 20:59 GMT
#1
I am terrible at telling stories. It will be apparent but I tried to make this as coherent as possible. Apparently writing things like this improves emotional health. This post is not meant to attract attention but I feel it may do one person some good somewhere.

I started this experience as an emotionally blunted person. If you gave me a test describing situations and the members subsequent feelings, I would outperform 99% of the other candidates (says the UMAT). I could certainly identify or name emotions. However - sorrow, joy, heartache - feelings described from those words would absolutely not have the same intensity compared to those who have truly experienced them. There were a few sources of great joy in my life, friends, badminton, food, and games.

I came from what I thought was a heartache at the time. It was the first girl I had ever confessed to. She was the kind of person whos boundaries for friendship were alot more liberal than others. Longer hugs, sleeping on each others shoulders, and letting me put my arms around her are examples of things we did. Following the social trend of people pairing up throughout the year, I was curious about and wanted to spend more time with this girl. I found her to be cute, she didn't do anything I consider to be socially inappropriate for a partner and thus I told her I liked her. I am the kind of person who sets benchmarks and uses discipline to succeed in anything I have desired academically and physically. At this stage in my life, I had not been exposed to significant rejection and it ached... She said she would think about my proposition because perhaps the look of desperation in my eyes and in my voice made it too hard to say no straight up. This was also the first time in my life I had experienced the feeling that happens when you know that she will definitely say no but somewhere in your heart you hope she will change her mind. As to this day I am not sure why but she ended up delaying her answer. Perhaps she wanted me to show something to sweep her off her feet, but I was not that kind of person to do that at the time. However, I had already given up on her though because I knew thats how she felt.

That was my first look at a rejection I cared about.

This ache would became my motivation to seek attention from someone else. In my mind I brainstormed a few people whom I could have fun with going on dates to distract me. One of them, more attractive than the other candidates seemed to respond to the cues I gave. I convinced her to go on a date with me. We clicked straight away and this continued. However, this girl was introduced to me by one of the best friends six months ago. He had a brief (read: two week) stint with her where he confessed his love for her but his family did not approve. I disregarded this friends feelings because I did not understand what he was about to feel. I reasoned that no significant feelings could come about in two weeks and that he would be a little bit upset but he would be fine.

Our dates consisted of long walks and watching movies, which seemed to be her favourite pasttime. On our first date she took an off-shoulder top I had as my display picture and wore it to the cinema. She was so cute and it drove me crazy. We started doing in the middle of my exams... We both wanted to meet each other so badly all the time. I would study as hard as I could during the day with the hope of freeing up some time to meet her at night. However, throughout the day we would SMS each other and talk about our next meeting. Thrill, excitement, and anticipation - Those feelings that persisted through the first month of our relationship were fantastic. Through emotions alone, I was motivated to do things that I would not typically do. I would stay out till the early hours of the morning. If she called, no matter if it was 4am, I would drive out to pick her up and take her home. She lived an hour away from me (thats the maximum distance if you live where I do). Normally when doing people difficult favours, or taking part in activities that I do not enjoy, there is some grief and significant consideration involved in doing them. For her, I was willing to do them without a second thought. I wish I could have kept that up.

Life was great. However, this girl also had a relatively crazy side in my eyes. She challenged other men to drinking, and smokes, and gets so drunk and does alot of silly stuff. Where I live this kind of girl is rare and perhaps these kinds of qualities will probably lead to a shoter lifespan. I really want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want them to be competent for most of their life. I guess selfishly, I don't want to have to deal with the heartache and sadness that might come from the loss of a loved one early in life. She also revealed that she had quite a horrific childhood and many of her siblings lives were adversely affected by drugs. I did not care, as she would describe it, her surroundings or her past did not matter to me, our relationship was based purely on how each other was. At this point I did not know if I could trust her, she had alot of male friends, drank alot of alcohol, and seemed to give her all to me what I considered to be too easily, but I liked the feeling of being with her. She was really fun and care free and so very affectionate. Now that I think about it she probably felt the same way I did. I guess we were head over heels in love and it was awesome. I hope this feeling comes back to me in the future. Even remembering this feeling warms my heart.

Soon after on a new years eve, we hugged under the fireworks of the new year. Her ex-boyfriend (one of my best friends) happened to be walking by looking for someone else. He saw us. Our relationship was a secret because I was not sure what was going to happen between us because of the deficits I explained earlier. I was warned of the consequences of my actions by my other friends. I knew this would anger and upset him if he found out. However, the anger and grief that I imagined was certainly not the same thing he felt. Her ex and I could no longer be friends. Through these actions, I lost a group of friends I care about deeply. I reflected upon them but only through my naive emotionally blunted mind. Reflecting back on it, I do remember the heartache he exhibited for even a month after they had broken up. Whilst never talking directly to me, I could see the sadness in his eyes after their breakup. I did not consider this. I did not think I was doing the emotional damage to him that subsequently occured. He seemed to have loved her deeply and one of his best friends had betrayed him for her.

I could not fit those obvious pieces together. I just simply thought he would have forgiven me. It was here that I lost a good friendship.

At some point her family issues caused her to move into my house. She would show great affection for me but I would not always reciprocate. She was very demanding in my eyes. I felt suffocated. This all happened within the course of a month or two. I felt like it was unheard of for a girlfriend to move in together so quickly. Somewhere in this mess I had forgotten the feelings I had at the start. This perhaps was the start of the decline.

She was quite moody at times and always seemed to want to win an argument where she was clearly wrong. She would also get really drunk sometimes and keep hitting me and not letting me sleep. Under my influence she got a job, she made some effort to save the tiniest bit of money, she made some effort for self improvement. I imposed the standards I set upon myself onto her. She was my first girlfriend... All my dissatisfactions no matter how small I always seemed to voice. I had no good friends to talk about this to. From my point of view, I did not know if there was a person more suited for me out there. Despite how harsh and cruel I was at times, she still loved me, and I still loved her.

I wanted her to diet or exercise because I found her less attractive compared to other girls. With her pretty face I felt like she had so much potential. She would also spend so much time on games and suck and then get angry at me about it. I did not let her eat the foods she wanted, I tried to force her to exercise as I did. When she got really upset, I was stubborn when I thought I was right and did not comfort her. I neglected her. These things happened slowly over the course of almost two years.

All these restrictions eventually left her feeling inadequate and she left me. At that time I did not care. In my eyes she was a bit of a monster, whom lacked self control, who was too hardcore of a drinker and a smoker. How could I see a future with her? Reflecting back on this its clear who the monster was. I guess I just did not want to commit without knowing what else was out there and thus I tried to make her everything I have always wanted. I tried to fit a square into a circle hole in a cruel and unrealistic fashion. I guess my priorities were fucked up.

Later on I would find out that the moodiness, the arguments, and my dissatisfaction with them was just a product of my intolerance. Girls out there in this world all have their issues and I am sure some of them were my fault. I don't know why I imposed such standards on her. I also had this idea at the time that honesty was the best policy. If she asked me if she looked good in a dress, I would tell her if they made her arms or legs stick out. Whenever we would get into an argument and I was sure I was right, I would not comfort her even if she cried her heart out. I was too stubborn. Something else in life hit me at this stage. I had loved badminton and it provided a great sense of joy to me. However, one false landing and my knee reconstruction was booked. I was out for 7 months...

Now I had lost badminton...

Somewhere in this time, I had also begun to tire of playing games. They no longer provided the thrill I used to get...

The enjoyment of games was lost to me too...

Three months later I had thought about things. I had prioritised what was important to me in a partner. I wanted someone without too much attachments who would be able to follow me on my journey through life. I wanted somebody who was warm and caring and fun. Someone whom I could talk about poo with. I wanted someone who would accept me for the smelly fart in their sleep me. Why should I be completely honest when it comes at the cost of her feelings? Why do I care if shes not as hot as the girls I see on TV. Why should she diet and exercise if it impacts on her enjoyment of life. Whats more important was that she had all the other things that really mattered to me. The warmth and the caring. Furthermore, she had stopped drinking. She had started to save an appreciable amount of money. She also learned to cook amongst other things. She had become the person I had hoped she would become while I was gone... she attributed those changes to thinking of me... Our goals in life also aligned. We also wanted kids when we were young and she would raise them with her heart and I would teach them academically. Money is not something that I will ever struggle to come by but a girl like her I had decided was the one for me. It took alot of careful consideration before I told her this. I did not want to mess with her heart so I waited to be sure.

This was when I told her. However, in that time she had started dating another guy. A guy whom I ironically considered to be a friend. This guy had told her he liked her while we were dating, and I let her go to movies with him because she wanted to spend too much time watching movies for my liking. I trusted her deeply... He waited some short period of time and then made his move. No period of time would have let me accept the actions he took. I can truly understand how my friend felt.

She said she still loved me. When she asked me how I was after our breakup I appeared unphased to her and this hurt her. She was lonely and feeling older and couldn't wait for me forever. As I told her about my feelings and we discussed everything about us, she shed some tears. Even though she admitted she could see us working out and spending the rest of our lives together, she made me wait again for her response. It was a lonely miserable desolate wait. It was the kind of wait where the topic would occupy your mind at every blank moment. A topic that would wake you up from your sleep and once awake, you could not return.

Ultimately, she said she had feelings for him and would feel guilty if she left him after saying yes. She felt like I would be better off than he would if she abandoned me. I guess the harshness I exhibited she still believed to be true in her heart. Even though we had talked and worked out our difficulties, she said she would not be able to live with the guilt of breaking her friends heart. And using those reasons she truly left me.

The broken heart I described at the start? It turned out it was merely just disappointment at the feeling of rejection. However, the feeling after this rejection is much different. The tears and the intensely piercing feeling after finally opening my heart to her, it is the deepest ache. To think that I might have found the one that could make me happy forever, as my first, to have no standards to set her to, and to subsequently do so much wrong to lose her. It is the most intense, deeply piercing pain, from what it feels like the deepest area in my heart. This is a girl that said she would always love me and stuck it out with ME for almost two years. It is a mixture of regret, despair, sadness, with a side of anger. Every memory we have together, whether it be walking along the beach, singing the songs we sang while in her car, listening to bruno mars concert live and thus all his music, any romance or sad song, all remind me of these moments and bring tears to my eyes.

I was unduly harsh and too truthful at the cost of her feelings.
I was too controlling at the cost of her happiness.
She was everything I had truly wanted in a partner...
By the time I had worked this out, she had already left me for someone else in the most appropriately punishing way.

Now I have lost some of my best friends.
Now I have lost someone very important to me.
In the end she did it for selflessness. For committment to her current boyfriend. She did it using qualities that I can admire and cannot question. Especially if she felt the way I did at the start of the relationship, about this other man.
In the middle of that I lost badminton too...
I can't even enjoy food at the moment.

It seems like I am at a low in my life. However, my joys will come back to me I am sure. I'll make other closer friends, I will return to badminton. Perhaps I will find someone more suited to me in the future. I think it will be a hard search, and it aches so much for me to lose a bond with someone I feel so close to. Ultimately, I feel like these experiences will make me a stronger person, a more empathetic person, and the harshness of the punishment is the reminder to never repeat these mistakes.

Its been about a week and these tears will not stop flowing, but when they do, I hope I will be a better person because of it and will be able to move on.


*****
FFGenerations
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
7088 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-11-25 23:38:47
November 25 2011 23:38 GMT
#2
you need to date some other girls. its not right to say someone is perfect for you when you havent even dated and fucked other people (plus you did get pretty sick of her after a month living together, you have to admit that counts for something)

by the way, the reason she decided to stay with that other guy is because shes ATTRACTED to him more than she is to you,
this is not selflessness its biology, as much as you'd like to not admit that either

you want to get her back? complete your medical course, rehab/gym your shit together, start going out and meeting new women, and by the time you're feeling like a man again you'll already have met someone better
Cool BW Music Vid - youtube.com/watch?v=W54nlqJ-Nx8 ~~~~~ ᕤ OYSTERS ᕤ CLAMS ᕤ AND ᕤ CUCKOLDS ᕤ ~~~~~~ ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ PUNCH HIM ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ
Stratos
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic6104 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-11-25 23:47:23
November 25 2011 23:38 GMT
#3
The behaviour you describe is actually fairly common, especially in the first few relationships (until you realize it). The partner will often project his standards and needs on the other one. I did this exactly the same way. I tried to push my girlfriend to working out, running, playing video games, listening to the music I liked... Obviously looking back I realize how pointless that was. You're not supposed to create your clone, you're supposed to love the person for who she is.

Nice read. Hopefully this helps someone before they experience it on their own skin. It just isn't worth it. Good luck getting over this. Seems like all you need is some time.
En Taro Violet
FFGenerations
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
7088 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-11-25 23:43:19
November 25 2011 23:41 GMT
#4
id like to add that i understand and feel your grief, but nomatter how amazing one person you love is, there is another one out there who might be completely different but you will find that you will love her also (and so on) :s

edit: oh shit it is my grandmothers birthday tomorrow,, what should i buy her!!
Cool BW Music Vid - youtube.com/watch?v=W54nlqJ-Nx8 ~~~~~ ᕤ OYSTERS ᕤ CLAMS ᕤ AND ᕤ CUCKOLDS ᕤ ~~~~~~ ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ PUNCH HIM ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ
keiraknightlee
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
United States301 Posts
November 26 2011 01:01 GMT
#5
Heartwarming tale good sir. You mess with a girl's heart, you mess with your own heart.
~~~Happiness. Dreams. Love~~~Good Luck
riceMUCH
Profile Joined May 2011
Australia1 Post
November 27 2011 00:02 GMT
#6
it is nice to know that i can read about myself on the internet. oh and ffgenerations guy ... im not with the other guy because he is more attractive -_-"

be good or be good at it!
VWSChe
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
United States144 Posts
November 27 2011 00:07 GMT
#7
The best way to avoid drama is to just not let it happen in the first place. I kinda lucked out because I'm really only attracted to girls who ignore the hell out of me. That basically means if you DO wind up getting them, you know them very well by that point.
Trust, but verify
Stratos
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Czech Republic6104 Posts
November 27 2011 09:43 GMT
#8
Wait OP is riceMUCH your ex-girlfriend?

Well met and welcome to TL rM, although this is probably not the best way to find out... Rest assured that nobody here knows your name and basically your former boyfriend wrote this merely to warn others not to hurt their girlfriends like he did and maybe open up to a bunch of strangers so that he feels better. His motives were pure and he said nothing bad about you, which in his position is actually a rare case.
En Taro Violet
FractalsOnFire
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
Australia1756 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-11-27 10:33:30
November 27 2011 10:33 GMT
#9
I'm curious as to how she even found it in the first place, unless she's a TL lurker. Maybe her friend pointed it out...

On a humourous note, for my UMAT score i actually got in the 0-20 percentile for the emotions category. My logical reasoning was in the 99 percentile so that totally makes up for it =D
silvercloud
Profile Joined August 2010
Sweden68 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-11-27 11:59:14
November 27 2011 11:55 GMT
#10
WARNING: I wrote this with no sleep, high on caffeine and I am probably sounding like a broken record, sorry for making idiotic and incoherent comments, but I'm batshit insane, so screw you all!


I'll start off with telling you it was a good read, sad--but well written. I can relate to your story, as I feel like I was in a somewhat similar situation not too long ago. I too, had certain emotional issues, due to a lot of real life issues (parents divorcing, dad became an alcoholic and got cancer, my best friend committed suicide)[/b] I learned how to put up a facade and completely shut down my emotions. However feelings work in quite a funny way, they keep building up until a point where you just break down into a thousand tiny emotional pieces. I, at this time had very few sources of joy in my life; mainly gaming and occasionally hanging out with one of the two good friends I had at the time. I think it's great that you just write stuff and expose your weaker sides, if you have no one to really talk about it with--just writing it all down will relieve you off some of the weight it carries.

I would almost dare to say say that I am proud of you, confessing like that has never been something I have been able to do, I've always waited until I know for sure that we have mutual feelings. This has costed me several opportunities to relationships with girls/women I have had feelings for, which I regret to this day, because you never know what could have been, right? I would really urge people to confess their feelings, no matter the chances of rejection; it can hurt but you will never get that feeling of regret which I'll tell ya, is one hell of an annoying bugger. I know it's hard to face rejection and confessing takes a lot of courage, as it makes you vulnerable... but I'd take that feeling of rejection over regret any day. I might be a minority when I say friends' ex or someone they like is off-limits. I mean, why can't people look past their own selfishness and be happy for someone else's sake? Of course you don't have to be an overzealous douche and chase the girl the second you hear about them breaking up or anything. Which is why I feel your friend's reaction was a bit exaggerated.

I feel that occupying your mind with other things than the rejection is so important for your emotional/mental well-being. Hanging out with friends, focus a bit on studies or any other hobbies/activities you enjoy in life. I had that revelation when my last relationship ended, I suddenly started playing more games; namely Starcraft 2 and it felt damn good! However, like mentioned earlier, shutting down your emotions and just tucking them away in what you might think is a safe place--will come back and bite you in the ass. Hence, you should be sad and express that sadness as much as you want, cry if you want to cry, laugh if you want to laugh--but don't dwell too long on it! I reckon you will also notice how supportive friends can be, this is where your true friendship will show itself. I was amazed by how many really good friends I had when they realized I was sad about my breaking up, phone kept ringing and texts kept coming asking how I was etc... it made me feel warmth to such an extent I shed tears, true friendship is truly wonderful. I hope you have some of that as well, if not--get it!

To be able to completely throw your selfishness away for the sake of a loved one is an absolutely beautiful thing, just thinking about it makes a tiny and salty drop of water form in my eye. With love comes heartache, but it also bring so much joy you must be able to overlook the negative sides of it. Like I mentioned earlier, you can't dwell on it for too long, there is so much to experience in life and so many others that will give you that exact same wonderful feeling. You just need to realize that--I know it's hard, but it has to be done. Life will always have ups and downs. That feeling of excitement, thrill and joy will come back to you I'm quite positive of that. I know what it's like to be head over heels in love, it's intense. I guess I was way more head over heels in love with my ex though, I think it wore her out and it cost the relationship--but I don't regret any of it! We had a good run, but most good things come to an end, but that also means they always have a beginning!

Sometimes in life things just won't turn out the way you want or expect them to. It's always worth trying however, you need to be able to accept a person for who they truly are, you like them for one reason and one reason only--simply because that person is who she/he is. Learn to live with faults/defects, because hey it's part of life. Like you mentioned, if you go crazy about it and try to change something that she doesn't seem to want, it'll take a turn for the worse.. fast. Just be there when needed and be supportive of whatever decision they make! But whether it's something you don't like with your partner, or telling your friend you are in love with his ex or someone he likes--be honest but maybe not so blunt, tread carefully and pick your words wisely. A relationship should never be based on lies, it won't work out, neither will it truly grant you happiness. Think about everything thoroughly and don't rush it.

There will always be someone who can love you back as unconditionally as you love them, never forget that. I also believe you might have lost the part of yourself somewhere down the road, which you seem to realize now. I understand if there were a lot of confusing feelings and things got rushed if it was your first relationship. I bet you didn't even compare her to other girls at first, she took up all of your vision, but people tend to cling onto things and when they realize feelings are cooling off, they try to change it, as if the basic substratum of your relationship has vanished.


Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath



The bottom line is: Just pour your heart's content out with no regret! You might be at a low in your life and it might not have worked out like you wanted it to. But you will feel better, and things will only get better. I was at a low in my life not long ago, but it was over way sooner than I expected.

Time heals all wounds, but it leaves scars--I call these scars experience. They will be with you forever, but hopefully they have taught you an important lesson.

tl;dr fuck you for not reading, you lazy peon



Sincere regards,
Silvercloud
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.
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