EPTI started this experience as an emotionally blunted person. If you gave me a test describing situations and the members subsequent feelings, I would outperform 99% of the other candidates (says the UMAT). I could certainly identify or name emotions. However - sorrow, joy, heartache - feelings described from those words would absolutely not have the same intensity compared to those who have truly experienced them. There were a few sources of great joy in my life, friends, badminton, food, and games.
I came from what I thought was a heartache at the time. It was the first girl I had ever confessed to. She was the kind of person whos boundaries for friendship were alot more liberal than others. Longer hugs, sleeping on each others shoulders, and letting me put my arms around her are examples of things we did. Following the social trend of people pairing up throughout the year, I was curious about and wanted to spend more time with this girl. I found her to be cute, she didn't do anything I consider to be socially inappropriate for a partner and thus I told her I liked her. I am the kind of person who sets benchmarks and uses discipline to succeed in anything I have desired academically and physically. At this stage in my life, I had not been exposed to significant rejection and it ached... She said she would think about my proposition because perhaps the look of desperation in my eyes and in my voice made it too hard to say no straight up. This was also the first time in my life I had experienced the feeling that happens when you know that she will definitely say no but somewhere in your heart you hope she will change her mind. As to this day I am not sure why but she ended up delaying her answer. Perhaps she wanted me to show something to sweep her off her feet, but I was not that kind of person to do that at the time. However, I had already given up on her though because I knew thats how she felt.
That was my first look at a rejection I cared about.
This ache would became my motivation to seek attention from someone else. In my mind I brainstormed a few people whom I could have fun with going on dates to distract me. One of them, more attractive than the other candidates seemed to respond to the cues I gave. I convinced her to go on a date with me. We clicked straight away and this continued. However, this girl was introduced to me by one of the best friends six months ago. He had a brief (read: two week) stint with her where he confessed his love for her but his family did not approve. I disregarded this friends feelings because I did not understand what he was about to feel. I reasoned that no significant feelings could come about in two weeks and that he would be a little bit upset but he would be fine.
Our dates consisted of long walks and watching movies, which seemed to be her favourite pasttime. On our first date she took an off-shoulder top I had as my display picture and wore it to the cinema. She was so cute and it drove me crazy. We started doing in the middle of my exams... We both wanted to meet each other so badly all the time. I would study as hard as I could during the day with the hope of freeing up some time to meet her at night. However, throughout the day we would SMS each other and talk about our next meeting. Thrill, excitement, and anticipation - Those feelings that persisted through the first month of our relationship were fantastic. Through emotions alone, I was motivated to do things that I would not typically do. I would stay out till the early hours of the morning. If she called, no matter if it was 4am, I would drive out to pick her up and take her home. She lived an hour away from me (thats the maximum distance if you live where I do). Normally when doing people difficult favours, or taking part in activities that I do not enjoy, there is some grief and significant consideration involved in doing them. For her, I was willing to do them without a second thought. I wish I could have kept that up.
Life was great. However, this girl also had a relatively crazy side in my eyes. She challenged other men to drinking, and smokes, and gets so drunk and does alot of silly stuff. Where I live this kind of girl is rare and perhaps these kinds of qualities will probably lead to a shoter lifespan. I really want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want them to be competent for most of their life. I guess selfishly, I don't want to have to deal with the heartache and sadness that might come from the loss of a loved one early in life. She also revealed that she had quite a horrific childhood and many of her siblings lives were adversely affected by drugs. I did not care, as she would describe it, her surroundings or her past did not matter to me, our relationship was based purely on how each other was. At this point I did not know if I could trust her, she had alot of male friends, drank alot of alcohol, and seemed to give her all to me what I considered to be too easily, but I liked the feeling of being with her. She was really fun and care free and so very affectionate. Now that I think about it she probably felt the same way I did. I guess we were head over heels in love and it was awesome. I hope this feeling comes back to me in the future. Even remembering this feeling warms my heart.
Soon after on a new years eve, we hugged under the fireworks of the new year. Her ex-boyfriend (one of my best friends) happened to be walking by looking for someone else. He saw us. Our relationship was a secret because I was not sure what was going to happen between us because of the deficits I explained earlier. I was warned of the consequences of my actions by my other friends. I knew this would anger and upset him if he found out. However, the anger and grief that I imagined was certainly not the same thing he felt. Her ex and I could no longer be friends. Through these actions, I lost a group of friends I care about deeply. I reflected upon them but only through my naive emotionally blunted mind. Reflecting back on it, I do remember the heartache he exhibited for even a month after they had broken up. Whilst never talking directly to me, I could see the sadness in his eyes after their breakup. I did not consider this. I did not think I was doing the emotional damage to him that subsequently occured. He seemed to have loved her deeply and one of his best friends had betrayed him for her.
I could not fit those obvious pieces together. I just simply thought he would have forgiven me. It was here that I lost a good friendship.
At some point her family issues caused her to move into my house. She would show great affection for me but I would not always reciprocate. She was very demanding in my eyes. I felt suffocated. This all happened within the course of a month or two. I felt like it was unheard of for a girlfriend to move in together so quickly. Somewhere in this mess I had forgotten the feelings I had at the start. This perhaps was the start of the decline.
She was quite moody at times and always seemed to want to win an argument where she was clearly wrong. She would also get really drunk sometimes and keep hitting me and not letting me sleep. Under my influence she got a job, she made some effort to save the tiniest bit of money, she made some effort for self improvement. I imposed the standards I set upon myself onto her. She was my first girlfriend... All my dissatisfactions no matter how small I always seemed to voice. I had no good friends to talk about this to. From my point of view, I did not know if there was a person more suited for me out there. Despite how harsh and cruel I was at times, she still loved me, and I still loved her.
I wanted her to diet or exercise because I found her less attractive compared to other girls. With her pretty face I felt like she had so much potential. She would also spend so much time on games and suck and then get angry at me about it. I did not let her eat the foods she wanted, I tried to force her to exercise as I did. When she got really upset, I was stubborn when I thought I was right and did not comfort her. I neglected her. These things happened slowly over the course of almost two years.
All these restrictions eventually left her feeling inadequate and she left me. At that time I did not care. In my eyes she was a bit of a monster, whom lacked self control, who was too hardcore of a drinker and a smoker. How could I see a future with her? Reflecting back on this its clear who the monster was. I guess I just did not want to commit without knowing what else was out there and thus I tried to make her everything I have always wanted. I tried to fit a square into a circle hole in a cruel and unrealistic fashion. I guess my priorities were fucked up.
Later on I would find out that the moodiness, the arguments, and my dissatisfaction with them was just a product of my intolerance. Girls out there in this world all have their issues and I am sure some of them were my fault. I don't know why I imposed such standards on her. I also had this idea at the time that honesty was the best policy. If she asked me if she looked good in a dress, I would tell her if they made her arms or legs stick out. Whenever we would get into an argument and I was sure I was right, I would not comfort her even if she cried her heart out. I was too stubborn. Something else in life hit me at this stage. I had loved badminton and it provided a great sense of joy to me. However, one false landing and my knee reconstruction was booked. I was out for 7 months...
Now I had lost badminton...
Somewhere in this time, I had also begun to tire of playing games. They no longer provided the thrill I used to get...
The enjoyment of games was lost to me too...
Three months later I had thought about things. I had prioritised what was important to me in a partner. I wanted someone without too much attachments who would be able to follow me on my journey through life. I wanted somebody who was warm and caring and fun. Someone whom I could talk about poo with. I wanted someone who would accept me for the smelly fart in their sleep me. Why should I be completely honest when it comes at the cost of her feelings? Why do I care if shes not as hot as the girls I see on TV. Why should she diet and exercise if it impacts on her enjoyment of life. Whats more important was that she had all the other things that really mattered to me. The warmth and the caring. Furthermore, she had stopped drinking. She had started to save an appreciable amount of money. She also learned to cook amongst other things. She had become the person I had hoped she would become while I was gone... she attributed those changes to thinking of me... Our goals in life also aligned. We also wanted kids when we were young and she would raise them with her heart and I would teach them academically. Money is not something that I will ever struggle to come by but a girl like her I had decided was the one for me. It took alot of careful consideration before I told her this. I did not want to mess with her heart so I waited to be sure.
This was when I told her. However, in that time she had started dating another guy. A guy whom I ironically considered to be a friend. This guy had told her he liked her while we were dating, and I let her go to movies with him because she wanted to spend too much time watching movies for my liking. I trusted her deeply... He waited some short period of time and then made his move. No period of time would have let me accept the actions he took. I can truly understand how my friend felt.
She said she still loved me. When she asked me how I was after our breakup I appeared unphased to her and this hurt her. She was lonely and feeling older and couldn't wait for me forever. As I told her about my feelings and we discussed everything about us, she shed some tears. Even though she admitted she could see us working out and spending the rest of our lives together, she made me wait again for her response. It was a lonely miserable desolate wait. It was the kind of wait where the topic would occupy your mind at every blank moment. A topic that would wake you up from your sleep and once awake, you could not return.
Ultimately, she said she had feelings for him and would feel guilty if she left him after saying yes. She felt like I would be better off than he would if she abandoned me. I guess the harshness I exhibited she still believed to be true in her heart. Even though we had talked and worked out our difficulties, she said she would not be able to live with the guilt of breaking her friends heart. And using those reasons she truly left me.
The broken heart I described at the start? It turned out it was merely just disappointment at the feeling of rejection. However, the feeling after this rejection is much different. The tears and the intensely piercing feeling after finally opening my heart to her, it is the deepest ache. To think that I might have found the one that could make me happy forever, as my first, to have no standards to set her to, and to subsequently do so much wrong to lose her. It is the most intense, deeply piercing pain, from what it feels like the deepest area in my heart. This is a girl that said she would always love me and stuck it out with ME for almost two years. It is a mixture of regret, despair, sadness, with a side of anger. Every memory we have together, whether it be walking along the beach, singing the songs we sang while in her car, listening to bruno mars concert live and thus all his music, any romance or sad song, all remind me of these moments and bring tears to my eyes.
I was unduly harsh and too truthful at the cost of her feelings.
I was too controlling at the cost of her happiness.
She was everything I had truly wanted in a partner...
By the time I had worked this out, she had already left me for someone else in the most appropriately punishing way.
Now I have lost some of my best friends.
Now I have lost someone very important to me.
In the end she did it for selflessness. For committment to her current boyfriend. She did it using qualities that I can admire and cannot question. Especially if she felt the way I did at the start of the relationship, about this other man.
In the middle of that I lost badminton too...
I can't even enjoy food at the moment.
It seems like I am at a low in my life. However, my joys will come back to me I am sure. I'll make other closer friends, I will return to badminton. Perhaps I will find someone more suited to me in the future. I think it will be a hard search, and it aches so much for me to lose a bond with someone I feel so close to. Ultimately, I feel like these experiences will make me a stronger person, a more empathetic person, and the harshness of the punishment is the reminder to never repeat these mistakes.
Its been about a week and these tears will not stop flowing, but when they do, I hope I will be a better person because of it and will be able to move on.
