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Hihi teamliquid I recently nailed down the reason for my dislike for talking freely amongst people
So basically I have a group of really tight friends, 5 in total I feel like I can tell them anything that I think of even when we are with other people that I don't know so well, however when I am not with them I cannot speak at all, I will say next to nothing unless I am required to, like for school. I don't know of my friends have noticed but this is in stark contrast to when I am in their company as I am often the person talking the most.
So I say I recently worked of why I can speak with anyone and there are two reasons, one obviously large than the other. 1: I don't have anything to say when I am not with my friends, I don't know why but this seems to be the case. I say I don't know why because I can always think of a point of discussion when in my friends company. 2: this is the bigger point which I need to overcome (and really why i am writing this). If (when) I say something stupid or that I don't mean that could offend or make people think of me in a way that I am not, I hate myself. I can remember dumb shit that I've said from almost 10 years ago and it makes me angry at myself and depressed. Almost to this point of self harm as of recently. So in all I dont talk to people for fear that I will say something dumb that will make me hate myself.
I'm not sure how well this sums up what I really think but this is the best I could convert it to writing.
 
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Man i'm the EXACT same way, especially #2.
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You probably don't talk to others because you don't share much in common. I know I've made friends with those who were also interested in games but I find it hard to befriend sports people.
I'm assuming this but you've probably spent most of your time with your 5 tight friends? I think you still have the desire to be friends with other people but just don't know how to. You rack up these skills when you're a child and build on them as you grow up. If you spend most of your childhood with the same people you don't develop these people skills.
I could be completely wrong though.
Anyway, build on your confidence and see yourself in a better light. I know a lot of people that say dumb things and look immature but I like the part that they are true to themselves. They are easy going and readily make friends; they usually talk a lot.
Moving out of your comfort zone is hard but very rewarding. Good luck!
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I am mostly the same way as well. Always afraid of sounding dumb in front of strangers or offending them. T_T
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You... nearly hurt yourself? I get the flashbacks of stupid events, and they make me cringe but I don't hurt myself so I may be in a good position to help. I understand the situation to a degree because I feel something similar, but I don't feel I have the same problem.
Here are the three things I think you should do.
Practice practice practice.
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Fear of Rejection.
Everyone has fear of rejection, no matter how confident and it has many different forms. The form you are suffering from and the one which is effecting you the most is fear of being rejected by your peers. When you think back about stupid shit you've said, remember that you've said that. No amount of being worried and beating yourself up over it will make it go away so just leave it, the only way you can go is foward. This way ->. What you need is self confidence, and there is no one way to get self-confidence in all areas.
-In class. Speaking in class and beeing able to raise your hand and answering quesitons is an essential part of your grade, in most subjects you cannot get anything above a B- without participating. The way to do this is knowing what you are going to talking about in class, and reading for it beforehand. Try making points in you can make in your head and reflect over what you are reading. For subjects that are center around things that happen in the world around us (Mostly social science) make sure to watch the news and 'Again' make those same points and take some notes, write down important points before class. If you have a formulated point about something that's happened in the world you will look very smart. On this same point though do not raise your hand unless you are 100% sure about how to answer the question. The exception to this is if you know a little about it and nobody is raising their hand.
-In social situations. Every psychologial theory acknowledges that we as humans consist of many selves. There are many voices in the subconscious that compel us to do things (procastinate, eat shit food, be lazy) and one of these voices is fear of rejection. It will tell you when you raise your hand, or when you want to speak to someone 'You will look like a dumbass, you will come off as a jerk'. You can suppress this voice, no matter who you are talking to, if you know how to do it right.
-The Subsconscious. The subconscious does not look at evidence, things that happen and come to a conclusion, it believes what it is told. Self talk is the key here. Tell yourself when contemplating whether or not to speak "They probably wont take too much notice of what i say in class, god knows they have enough other shit on their mind like taking notes and actually understand what they are beeing taught". (You might want to abbreviate that.). In social situations, when one is young and just hanging out with people ones own age, things you say don't have very much of an impact. You can say something a little bit dumb, and as long as you dont consistently do it, you can change their view of you. People you interact with often might notice a sudden change, but they will grow accustomed to it. Kind of like how its hard to imagine how someone looked before a haircut, just one week after they had it.
Another good way to boost self confidence is to work out, even if you're not buff right now, consider that a majority of people do not lift weights, infact most people sit on their ass watching tv or hang out with friends on their spare time. Think 'I can handle any situation that is thrown at me'. Taking up a form of self defense or martial art can also be a good way to get this confidence, knowing that if shit goes down you can handle it. This boosts your confidence because not only do you go around worry-free when it comes to thugs, you know that if something goes down, you can be the person that handles it, and that people look at afterwords with awe.
Note: All the stuff is based on a book i read on self discipline and my own experiences.
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The guy above me nailed it. It's just an insecurity thing that most teens go through on some level growing up. I think the difference is because you have these 5 best friends, you've never been forced to make new friends, or just be overly social in general. I'm similar in that I have close friends and don't care so much for the acquaintances.
However, I can act like myself without caring so much about what I say is stupid or not.
But I wasn't born this way, this is one of those things you build on over time, and you just get more and more comfortable with yourself (saying less stupid things, and then also being comfortable with saying something a little stupid.)
my brother who's 18 has similar issues, he thinks too much in larger groups and is not nearly as loud spoken socially as he is in the house.
This is one of those 'face your fears' things. You gotta just step up, embrace the embarassment, and laugh at yourself when you say something silly. Trust me, gradually you'll feel more confident
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I was literally going to post a blog asking for talking too! I'm going to read the responses here, so congrats to you for making the blog first!
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On November 24 2011 09:21 dizzee wrote:
Fear of Rejection.
Well it could be that. Knowing the actual problem would almost solve the problem right away, since one could think logically to cure that problem. However social situations are rather complex because there are numerous reasons for one's behavior. Top of my head I can think of few.
1. A subconscious pledge to the group: OP has stated they have tight friendship between five people. There are people who subconsciously tie themselves with the group and take on a role that does not associate with other groups. This is much more frequent when one or more people in the group are very social and the person in question subconsciously does not believe s/he requires to provide that role of interacting with other groups.
2. Representation: Without a doubt a group of people amplifies, 'the fear' (it's evolutionary, you do not want to make mistakes in front of many people, you want to look useful). Rather than a fear of rejection, it's the fear that one does not want to look "bad" in front of a group of people. In a tight group, one is forgiven easily but in an another environment, one is not sure if one could be forgiven. This case is even more common if one's group treats the person in question differently to other friends.
3. Maybe, you are just timid: Somethings are curable and somethings are not, if somehow through your life experiences or your family gene pool made you take less risks then you are what people call "timid". It's nothing to be ashamed or sad about, it's just a type of personality.
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Same here. Especially the second, for some odd reason.
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On November 24 2011 09:57 ooni wrote:Well it could be that. Knowing the actual problem would almost solve the problem right away, since one could think logically to cure that problem. However social situations are rather complex because there are numerous reasons for one's behavior. Top of my head I can think of few. 1. A subconscious pledge to the group: OP has stated they have tight friendship between five people. There are people who subconsciously tie themselves with the group and take on a role that does not associate with other groups. This is much more frequent when one or more people in the group are very social and the person in question subconsciously does not believe s/he requires to provide that role of interacting with other groups. 2. Representation: Without a doubt a group of people amplifies, 'the fear' (it's evolutionary, you do not want to make mistakes in front of many people, you want to look useful). Rather than a fear of rejection, it's the fear that one does not want to look "bad" in front of a group of people. In a tight group, one is forgiven easily but in an another environment, one is not sure if one could be forgiven. This case is even more common if one's group treats the person in question differently to other friends. 3. Maybe, you are just timid: Somethings are curable and somethings are not, if somehow through your life experiences or your family gene pool made you take less risks then you are what people call "timid". It's nothing to be ashamed or sad about, it's just a type of personality.
The OP does have fear of rejection, every single person in the entire world has fear of rejection, the variable is how much we allow it to affect us. The reason you do not want to look 'bad' infront of a group of people who you do not know is that you fear you will be rejected from that group, they will treat you differently in a negative way. The reason you are easily forgiven in a tight knit group is because the groups members know eachother, know eachother personalities how they usually act. In a group where this is not the case (starting a new school year, having an influx of people you don't know and that you have to work with) the hard truth is that the only way you will ever become part of this group, is by putting yourself out there. They will never learn to know your personality if you never say anything. The tight knit group mentioned above is likely formed from childhood, where looking 'bad' was not a big deal, because everyone did it,it is a part of growing up, just like this is for the OP.
Blaming this on your genes or personality is not the way to go. Thinking like this is driven by another one of the 'selves' that is part of a persons mind (mentioned this in my other post.). This particular self is 'Defeatism'. It makes you think that you can't change, because that's just the way you are. If you use your voice of reason, that every person has, you will recognize that the only way you will change, and you CAN change, is by believing that you are normal, and you can partake in discussions in the same way everyone else does.
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I got a little scared reading this blog, as I too have a group of friends(5 in number) that I talk to about anything and everything, yet talk about hardly anything with others. If even one of them is present though, I speak freely. O_O
It's kind of odd, I don't ever actually *think* of anything to say when I am with people unless I am trying my damnedest to talk with them, but if I'm with people I am not 100% comfortable with, I can't think of anything to say. Whether its a subconscious self-defense-mechanism or me just being unreasonably shy, I don't know, but it is certainly annoying. Especially if I am with someone I want to talk with, but I just can't come up with a topic to talk about. Most likely just a combination of my lack of knowledge of anything that isn't video games and my sad, sad social skills.
Hopefully the both of us will learn a way to more easily communicate with others sooner rather than later! ^_^ However, physically harming yourself because you said something stupid is simply not worth it. You might remember conversations for years later(I know I do, especially when I say something I thought was stupid), but the chances are the other person won't. Don't sweat it. If you say something silly, just continue on with life and forget it, it isn't worth remembering!
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just dont give a fuck man. I was actually like that when i was i was in high shcool. Im still pretty self concious but it doesnt affect me nearly as much anymore. Dont make it a task to please other people or appear a certain way.
Its pretty common for people to not be as enthusiastic when they dont have much in common with a certain group.
Edit
Oh right, and from what ive seen the really social people generally tend to have a broad yet shallow knowledge of a variety of subjects. I guess you could try to broaden your horizon and take interest in something other than video games.
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On November 24 2011 10:55 gameguard wrote:
just dont give a fuck man. I was actually like that when i was i was in high shcool. Im still pretty self concious but it doesnt affect me nearly as much anymore. Dont make it a task to please other people or appear a certain way.
Its pretty common for people to not be as enthusiastic when they dont have much in common with a certain group.
Edit
Oh right, and from what ive seen the really social people generally tend to have a broad yet shallow knowledge of a variety of subjects. I guess you could try to broaden your horizon and take interest in something other than video games.
Not giving a fuck is denying fear of rejection which can backfire quite badly. This happens when you are in a situation and you try to instill this arguement to suppress your fear of rejection, and you voice of reason interjects saying 'But i do give a fuck about how i appear to these people. This can be a cause of a crisis that will take alot of thinking and reflecting upon ones personality to solve.
Just ''being yourself' works fine in the group of tight knit friends, because that's what's expected of you. However in a group of people one genereally has an image that one wants to portray, one wants that group to think about you one way. Being yourself in this case might work, but it's not fool proof. You cannot force a group to accept you. If it is a closed group you have to adapt to how they operate. If it is a group of people bundled together as is often the situation at the start of a new school year, there will already be tight-knit groups within the larger group. One needs to appeal to the larger group, to do ones best to be accepted.
One can make the arguement 'But i don't want to be part of this group'. This is irrelevant in this situation as the OP has said he wanted to speak up and partake in these groups.
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On November 24 2011 10:54 SageFantasma wrote:
I got a little scared reading this blog, as I too have a group of friends(5 in number) that I talk to about anything and everything, yet talk about hardly anything with others. If even one of them is present though, I speak freely. O_O
It's kind of odd, I don't ever actually *think* of anything to say when I am with people unless I am trying my damnedest to talk with them, but if I'm with people I am not 100% comfortable with, I can't think of anything to say. Whether its a subconscious self-defense-mechanism or me just being unreasonably shy, I don't know, but it is certainly annoying. Especially if I am with someone I want to talk with, but I just can't come up with a topic to talk about. Most likely just a combination of my lack of knowledge of anything that isn't video games and my sad, sad social skills.
Hopefully the both of us will learn a way to more easily communicate with others sooner rather than later! ^_^ However, physically harming yourself because you said something stupid is simply not worth it. You might remember conversations for years later(I know I do, especially when I say something I thought was stupid), but the chances are the other person won't. Don't sweat it. If you say something silly, just continue on with life and forget it, it isn't worth remembering!
If you wish to converse with someone, i assume there is a reason to it? I'm not sure of the motivation behind trying to talk to someone you have nothing in common with.
Depending on your situations you can try to make a point about something that is relevant to that situation. Make sure it is irrelevant however, or the person you are talking to will easily notice that you are nervous.
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Well the way I think of it is when I look back 10 years I hardly remember anything other people said, only things I said and then I cringe thinking about it, but then one day I was like if I don't remember what they said, they don't remember what I said. So everyone is only remembering their own words and you can say anything (w/in reason) and no one will care after a few minutes. And no one ever cares as much as you do. You're probably a super cool guy to other people but you just don't look at yourself from the outside like they do so you can't see your good qualities as easily.
As for nothing to say - questions always work. People love to talk about themselves! And you can learn interesting things about them. There's always stuff to talk about.
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Genius is the act of solving a problem in a way no one has solved it before. It has nothing to do with winning a Nobel prize in physics or certain levels of schooling.
It's about using human insight and initiative to find original solutions that matter.
Genius is actually the eventual public recognition of dozens (or hundreds) of failed attempts at solving a problem. Sometimes we fail in public, often we fail in private, but people who are doing creative work are constantly failing.
When the lizard brain kicks in and the resistance slows you down, the only correct response is to push back again and again and again with one failure after another. Sooner or later, the lizard will get bored and give up.
“To be great is to be misunderstood.”
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
A man of few words is a man who makes his words count.
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I'm similar. If I don't know something that we have in common, I don't have anything to say. I can talk quite a lot in front of a group if we're doing something specific, even if I don't really know them. I am shy, but I don't like that word, because I'm not shy because I'm around ppl, or because I don't have anything to say, rather I'm shy because of the situation.
My shyness stems from my tendencies towards extensive worrying and see-sawing, so I am pretty normal when I'm busy doing something, because keeping myself busy distracts my brain and removes my focus from the actual communication. The key point is that I have a hard time relaxing unless keep myself busy, so I tend to get stuck when I'm putting too much focus on my communication. If I sit next to someone and talk, I know that if I run out of words to say, it will be uncomfortable and one of us will leave. However, if we're busy doing something, it's not a big deal.
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I used to be much the same way, but I've overcome most of it now. I came to the conclusion that I was too worried about how I was viewed by people. I cared too much about my image to expose my actual identity and meet people. And I realized I wasn't going to become friends with people if I didn't talk to them. The only way to get better at being social and conveying yourself better is to practice and talk with people, and the sooner you start the better.
Also like someone pointed out above, even if you remember the really awkward things you've done its most likely that other people don't remember them at all.
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EPT
