EPTI had this dream I broke into this house just because I was lazy and just kinda felt like "fuck it" and wanted to raid their fridge, and put on shoes. For some reason I had been running around without shoes for a long time. I took them off in an office somewhere, ran around the subway station, some coworkers saw me, I was being awesome and they were impressed, but actually I would feel embarrassed later. Anyways I broke in to the house, looked in the fridge, and there wasn't anything I wanted to drink really. It sucked a bit. Then I put on the old lady's slippers. For some reason instead of walking out the door I stood to the left side watching the door until the lady came home, then as she opened the door I scared her and ran out. It made sense in my head, only in the dream. I didn't want to scare her, it just had to happen that way, like I couldn't leave, she had to open the door for me.
Freud says dreams can reveal disguised wishes. I think I can see what's going on in this dream here. I'm seeing my drive to get drunk and impress people (even though later I regret it) playing out. Also, the way I get aggression out, a kind of "fuck it just get what you want" attitude, you can see here. In real life I don't break into a house just because I am too lazy to find my shoes or go to a store. But I do other things I shouldn't. It's like I was dreaming drunk, so I can see into my drunk perspective by looking at this dream. It really disturbs me to think that I may get so drunk maybe I would really break into a house for stupid reasons like this.
In some ways, I kind of do. Not literally. But I do risk my reputation, my health, my friendships, my career, all the time when I get drunk. All in some misguided attempt to let out some psychological energy--some need to be admired, impressive, liked--in some really misguided, ineffective, "blind spot to what people are really thinking" way.
So I always feel like I'm on the edge. Like my life might be pretty much over. What if those STD tests didn't come back negative? I am so lucky. What if this or that person found out about such and such? Friends lost forever. Why did this girl break up with me? She probably realized what a mess I was. I am unable to remember her schedule or have enough money to date her, and too lazy to dress this up like a reasonable person... what if I get fired? Would I be able to get another job? I am not the most professional, accomplished, good interviewing person.
Makes me feel like I'm on the edge. I'm not on the way to becoming better and better. I'm not becoming who I want to be. I kind of know how, and I'm just not doing it. I've made myself into this self stifling person.
I hope writing this for myself helps a little.
