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It's been awhile since I wrote these entries. I've been on and off with the idea in fear of how others might think this is myself bragging. In very few times do we find people being proud or happy with what they've achieved or where they've come in fear of others calling them cocky or arrogant and yet, I find it odd how we display the fun we've had, the notable characters we try to befriend or the way we act in order to distinguish ourselves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qW86ZU8ZPgw
Suggested song :3
I'm not sure who reads these blog entries, I get a lot of p.ms of people saying they do, but few responses. Doesn't bother me and in fact, I think I equally enjoy seeing the same people respond to my entries as much as new people saying a generic line such as: "nice blog" or "thats too long for me to read" or my favourite: "nice diarrhea of words!". It's somehow nice having only a small group of people talk to you, on my stream I get the same 5 people watching and to be honest, it's a lot of fun playing games for or with them or talking to them in chat while I play. It's like you have your own group of friends who enjoy talking with you as much as you enjoy talking with them.
I was going to wait until I saw my career adviser before I made this blog. It's on the subject, I wrote before The discouraging In-Between where I was dissatisfied of how little there seems to be in the future and how little I seem to enjoy or really take note of myself during the present.
These past few days have been a revelation to me about how much I am in a good place. Not financially, educationally or even emotionally. But just with including myself into a community and into a subculture I can identify with. I still have no idea what I'm going to be in the future, no idea who I am going to be with, how I am going to live, survive and strive and I have no idea who I'll be friends with.
But lately, I've taken a good look at what I've done, spread it out like I was going into a job interview and realized that I am exactly doing what I wanted to do since High-School. In High-School, I used to pull the Charlie Brown of lines when people asked: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and I'd shrug and say "Happy". No one pressed further in what that meant so I eventually did with myself and found out a long time ago that I'm truly happy when I'm contributing. Even now, I can't bear writing, cooking or even doing something unless it helps someone out, gives something for others to enjoy or simply completes a bigger picture. Let me clear however, I do like being accredited. I like knowing that I am recognized as part of the "team" or "contributors"; I'm no selfless goodie two-shoes.
Looking back this past couple of years, I think I've contributed a lot in my own view of and scope of things.
+ Show Spoiler [In chronological order] +- VTGaming's Player and Community Manager - Got them sponsored by Nation Voice
- Founded Concordia's University's StarCraft Club - Got them a budget, a room, projector, set up a basic site and forums, helped advertising and create connections within Montreal and our Student Union, Got our Club included twice within our university's paper: Front Page, Small Mention. (Additionally, this got me contacts with the Montreal Mirror; a local paper that does covers a lot of stuff within the city!).
- Helped start-up UQAM's University Club.
- Commentator for Montreal's Biggest LAN Event: LAN ETS - They also let me commentate a bit for their Team Fortress 2 competition during the event!
- A player-manager, then Divisional Manager (SC) for Team Dynamic LLC.
- Of course the: How to use Team Liquid F.A.Q..
- Writing contribution to The Link (university independent paper) about Competitive Gaming [I don't like their editing job, but shrug; better than nothing on the subject].
- Contributor & Marketing for Barcraft Montreal - One of the largest BarCrafts Nationally!
- Partnership with QCStarCraft! - You'll see my videos soon.
- Pony Tales V - It's coming!
Taking another gander into the past, I'm really glad I got involved and really put in my 110%. Granted they're no grand feats and I didn't do it alone, ha, not even close nor will I ever be able to. But when I think of the other aspects in my life and everything it lacks and desires, I just look into this pond of things I've done and want/can do and just sigh in relief.
The best part is that I'm not good at anything in particular. I'm not an amazing caster/commentator. My stream lacks any form of popularity and I have as much haters as I have friends (maybe more). But the best part about all of this is that 1. I'm having fun, I'm laughing not to improve my social status, gather an audience or to find a way to be at the top, but just because its genuinely terrific. This whole, thing, event(s), scene, world. 2. I'm a part of something I fully support and can only continue to support. The question that a lot of people, myself included, ask to themselves when they see the big names of StarCraft; "How do I get into this amazing scene?" and to be honest; you are already in it. I've come to realize that the ultimate goal of getting to the national events such as MLG, IEM, IPL, etc. is not really a goal, but a feat that isn't even worth the bother. Sure, there's nothing like it and to be honest; I'll probably never know what it's like. But when you come back from an event you worked hard with others to prosper and grow and it's a huge success, you'll feel just as great as you did if you went as a spectator to those major events.
However, I still have the issue of having this abundance of time and freedom to do anything. Just no place I can find to start. Once an event or project is over, I'm left twiddling my thumbs and just unsure of where to go next (hence the forums filling up a lot of that time). I play games, go out to my favourite places, restaurants, outings with friends, etc. But that still leaves about 8 hours of time free (from 10 a.m to about 6 p.m) with nothing to do, write or talk about. Some would suggest to get a job, but I can't stand the concept of working for a financial gain rather than contributing towards a larger project and I don't need the money (or rather, it's not a priority of mine). I've tried volunteering, but they only give me 2 hours a day. Final line? Give me a duty and I can fulfill it. I'll have to keep looking out there for the opportunity, or just make one for my own.
In any case, about the whole thing: you either enjoy the ride that is this growing competitive thing or you start collecting the sticks to start your own nest. I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds enjoyment in the little things, hardly.
Though, when I spoke with Fireblast! back in September, I told him how I felt it was so weird being able to enjoy specific moments before they pass by. It's not necessarily a complaint, but a peering into myself and how I just see things.
Isn't this scenery untouchable? I'm sure Micronesia will instantly recognize it. Everyday, I will have these bouts of just deep daydreaming: a couple of days ago, I felt a draft come up from the city. It was turning autumn and I was tired, wishing I could give up on today like the leaves have for the coming season. Then, as I stood on a commonly busy intersection, I felt the hint of rain tickled my fingers, the wind brush my nose and the reflections of the lights become distorted in the scattered puddles that gave the streets a refreshing look. It was sensational hearing, just beyond my Jazz music, the city come alive with feeling and sights. People going left, right, cars racing at different speeds. To my left I could see the clouds moving quickly to blanket this fair city and the sun setting rather soon on an Autumn day (it was 2 o'clock). Everything just seem to work, become connected. The rain wanted more attention and this wave of umbrellas started to sprout and bloom all around me.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/t6OsF.jpg) First it'll come, fast as the wind takes it
It just showers perfectly, the sky clearly unsure of what gift to grant Montreal. It shimmers, but still fills its duties to shower.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/SdAhH.jpg) I tried to capture all I could see as it came. It rains hard, but I must still shield my eyes from the rain as it comes rushing to change this world, wash it from its soot and dirt
And then it goes, as fast as it came...
This city...
I guess in my final words, I just wanted to post some satisfaction, call it pride, bragging, whatever. For the longest time and still am, I was worried about not really being able to be a part of something big. For awhile, I thought there was no magic formula to be able to do something that I loved and have it prosper into something others can enjoy from it as well. I only realize now that I have to be the scientist to figure it out.
Luckily, there are others equally trying to discover the same formula alongside.
Cheers.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/yuVi4.jpg) Speaking of enjoying the small things: these cookies are magical!
*I also started using Twitter. Still figuring out the whole thing, but although I still find Facebook and Twitter to be a cesspool or jacuzzi of narcissism, I understand, in part, the necessity to remain connected with the people you meet. The convenience was not emphasized as much to me as it was before.
 
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Oh, I forgot to mention that I'd love to hear everyone else's stories about their successes, enjoyments, etc. Nothing I enjoy more than relating with others and having a sense of belonging.
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That wasn't nearly as long as I thought it was going to be with the "very long" tag! In fact, it seems like one of the shorter torte blogs text-wise. :p
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Welp, I read the whole thing. I thought about it. Not sure I have much intelligent reflection on it, but I think I understand what you mean pretty well.
Things I am proud of:
I have finished 9 books. Some of them were rewritten a few times. I have stopped writing now and can see all the flaws, but I think actually finishing an entire novel is so difficult that I am just proud to have completed it as best I could at the time.
I'm proud I passed the AP Calc BC test. I think it is really the proudest moment of my life, not kidding. I learning problems with math. I studied on my own because there was no class offered for it, and with the help of two friends who met with me every night after school, and a teacher who helped me in the mornings before school, I passed.
I am proud I got into my university with a full scholarship.
I am proud I am working two jobs on top of school and 100% supporting myself. I think a lot of kids my age are spoiled and aren't even close to growing up and being able to take care of themselves. I definitely have a handle on that.
I'm proud I'm studying something I love even though it's not practical in terms of making a lot of money. Money is not the deciding factor in my life decisions.
I'm proud of myself for making the choice to stop living my life based on the person other people want me to be or think is appropriate for me to be. It's actually pretty difficult to do, especially when your biggest enemies are your family, but I'm definitely much happier.
I like peach rings, and sc2, and art. 
I love my dog and my best friend.
Also your pictures of the city in the rain are lovely. ^_^
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Torte de Lini hater reporting in.
nice blog
+ Show Spoiler +
Torte de Lini hater signing out.
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Very good read of course, and I always try to catch your stream ^^.
Personally I am proud of the fact that I can say I taught a high school class, while in high school. Im proud to know that because of me, a few people who would have absolutely avoided programming at all costs now wish to become programmers due to my teaching.
I am also proud to know that in my near future I will be teaching people english as a second language even if the pay is notoriously low.
But I am most proud of the fact that I have come so far with so little, that I have achieved so much in my life so far after being raised in a very bad... to say the least environment. To have overcome this is what I am most proud of.
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OMG those COOKIES! I can't believe it, they're too damn good to be true.
I always had a sweet tooth and when I was in high school I would come back from school at 4:00PM and just eat about 1/3 of this package with a huge glass of milk in 5 minutes lol and then some more just after dinner. Thx for remembering me, I'm buying some tomorrow for sure 
*Great blog btw
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I can't think of anything important at all in the past few years at university that I'm proud of, everything I've done seems so very average and ordinary. But I am happy and that's enough for me.
I love music, and I echo your enjoyment of enjoying others enjoying themselves, thus I got into amateur DJ'ing and play once in a while at home parties, at least until I get too drunk 
I think I like playing games, but then again that might just be something I do when there's nothing better to do. TBH I prefer drinking with friends.
Also, I do enjoy your "diarrhea of words", your blog posts have a real style to them.
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Nice pics, can't wait for Pony Tales V!
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I love the starcraft community so much, and posts like this are such a good example of why. I love the pictures btw! You come off as a genuine, humble, and well rounded person. That's why I'll continue to follow your blogs. :D
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On October 19 2011 13:41 elmizzt wrote:
That wasn't nearly as long as I thought it was going to be with the "very long" tag! In fact, it seems like one of the shorter torte blogs text-wise. :p
It feels like it's longer, I tried to sprinkle enough images to let off the writing.
Will reply to others tomorrow <33
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I hate you...
Because you've managed to find your schtick.
Still looking for mine. I'm proud that I'm back in school, and that halfway through the semester my grades are still good, but I'm missing that something more feeling. Especially cause I go to a school full of successes, I feel like I've been left in the dust, even by my close friends. I've come to enjoy being me, but I still feel stuck in the middle of successful people with no place to go.
Love the blog and especially love the pictures. They're beautiful.
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On October 19 2011 13:55 RedJustice wrote:
I'm proud of myself for making the choice to stop living my life based on the person other people want me to be or think is appropriate for me to be. It's actually pretty difficult to do, especially when your biggest enemies are your family, but I'm definitely much happier.
i'll sign this one x.X
but i have quite the issues with feeling proud of anything because i'm basically always convinced i could have done better because i'm lazy as fuck and my parents successfully managed to burn into my head that being lazy is horrible and i really have a hard time getting completely over that.
not to say being lazy is the goal, but achieving goals with the least amount of work involved is a good goal i think^^ the only trouble is where to set goals, because setting a higher goal is an option almost every time.. >.>
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On October 19 2011 13:55 RedJustice wrote:Welp, I read the whole thing. I thought about it. Not sure I have much intelligent reflection on it, but I think I understand what you mean pretty well. Things I am proud of: I have finished 9 books. Some of them were rewritten a few times. I have stopped writing now and can see all the flaws, but I think actually finishing an entire novel is so difficult that I am just proud to have completed it as best I could at the time. I'm proud I passed the AP Calc BC test. I think it is really the proudest moment of my life, not kidding. I learning problems with math. I studied on my own because there was no class offered for it, and with the help of two friends who met with me every night after school, and a teacher who helped me in the mornings before school, I passed. I am proud I got into my university with a full scholarship. I am proud I am working two jobs on top of school and 100% supporting myself. I think a lot of kids my age are spoiled and aren't even close to growing up and being able to take care of themselves. I definitely have a handle on that. I'm proud I'm studying something I love even though it's not practical in terms of making a lot of money. Money is not the deciding factor in my life decisions. I'm proud of myself for making the choice to stop living my life based on the person other people want me to be or think is appropriate for me to be. It's actually pretty difficult to do, especially when your biggest enemies are your family, but I'm definitely much happier. I like peach rings, and sc2, and art. I love my dog and my best friend. Also your pictures of the city in the rain are lovely. ^_^
Wow, 9 books? What genre? My college published 2 or 3 of my workings, but it's beyond unrefined and just utterly terrible, haha!
I love fuzzy peaches, the orange candies? I can't eat them anymore, but I get tempted every once in awhile :x
It sounds like you are educationally structured to go far in life :3
On October 19 2011 13:59 Coagulation wrote:Torte de Lini hater reporting in. nice blog + Show Spoiler +Torte de Lini hater signing out.
They're the only cookies that hurt my teeth, but my God are they good.
On October 19 2011 14:09 Phtes wrote:
Very good read of course, and I always try to catch your stream ^^.
Personally I am proud of the fact that I can say I taught a high school class, while in high school. Im proud to know that because of me, a few people who would have absolutely avoided programming at all costs now wish to become programmers due to my teaching.
I am also proud to know that in my near future I will be teaching people english as a second language even if the pay is notoriously low.
But I am most proud of the fact that I have come so far with so little, that I have achieved so much in my life so far after being raised in a very bad... to say the least environment. To have overcome this is what I am most proud of.
Yes, I know you :B You should help me regulate my stream and try and improve it. I can't seem to get the quality just right QQ
For teachers, for me, I've been on the fence. There are some teachers who really put in their expertise, knowledge and teachings to works and teach children while also showing how learning can be, as cliche as it may be, fun and then there are some teachers who just babysit their students while the students are on their own to learn.
I hope you are the former :3
On October 19 2011 14:29 Xela wrote:OMG those COOKIES! I can't believe it, they're too damn good to be true. I always had a sweet tooth and when I was in high school I would come back from school at 4:00PM and just eat about 1/3 of this package with a huge glass of milk in 5 minutes lol and then some more just after dinner. Thx for remembering me, I'm buying some tomorrow for sure *Great blog btw
Thanks :3
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ill let you know what success feels like when i catch your post count
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Estonia4644 Posts
machinarium OST ftw \o/
been listening to it again on repeat ever since suggesting machinarium in a blog in the not so distant past
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On October 20 2011 04:27 turdburgler wrote:
ill let you know what success feels like when i catch your post count
I think you'll find the means more enjoyable than the achievement itself.
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On October 19 2011 14:43 Mobius_1 wrote:I can't think of anything important at all in the past few years at university that I'm proud of, everything I've done seems so very average and ordinary. But I am happy and that's enough for me. I love music, and I echo your enjoyment of enjoying others enjoying themselves, thus I got into amateur DJ'ing and play once in a while at home parties, at least until I get too drunk I think I like playing games, but then again that might just be something I do when there's nothing better to do. TBH I prefer drinking with friends. Also, I do enjoy your "diarrhea of words", your blog posts have a real style to them.
Got any samples I could listen to? I enjoy reading people's events via messenger or something and seeing them say: "I got a gig tonight be back later", it's nice to see them out into the world, quenching their feeling of being someone amongst other.
It's nice.
On October 19 2011 15:04 AnxiousHippo wrote:
Nice pics, can't wait for Pony Tales V!
keheheheh Lip is a boss.
On October 19 2011 15:16 Porcelain wrote:
I love the starcraft community so much, and posts like this are such a good example of why. I love the pictures btw! You come off as a genuine, humble, and well rounded person. That's why I'll continue to follow your blogs. :D
I'm far from well-rounded, but thank you :3
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you drink milk out of a jar, your argument is invalid.
lol JK
Nice list of things you've worked on, how does one simply "get involved" in things like those?
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On October 20 2011 11:09 Luepert wrote:
you drink milk out of a jar, your argument is invalid.
lol JK
Nice list of things you've worked on, how does one simply "get involved" in things like those?
You don't, you just do it yourself or find out how you can do it. For the StarCraft club, I just asked on TL why there wasn't a StarCraft club at university but there was a dodgeball club.
And people just start getting interested as well and you soon find you're not alone.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/r5qbu.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/YBtud.jpg)
