EPTFarmville
I haven’t gone out in a while and my brother invited me to a little get together on some remote farm waaaay up north, so I got super excited when he did. Apparently here is how it was supposed to go. One of his best friend’s was celebrating her 25th birthday and she was able to land this huge farm as party central on one condition. Lots of her family members would come. And there’d be no alcohol. At least not in the open. The plan was the party was from 5-10pm. But the “party” was from 10pm and on. The birthday girl would humour all her old relatives (crazy Christians) until 10 and then after that we would whip out the booze, the pot, and create a bon fire under the stars. A beautiful thing. In theory.
My brother offered to play his guitar, background music, with her sister to perform some of her favourite songs. There was also a dj there that would play old people music early on but more alive music as the night progressed. We bought some Californian wine, some sort of red vodka, cool. I was the driver so I wasn’t going to take more than a shot early on. Pot for me instead (Or so that was the plan). We had to come at 5pm since my brother had to play with the girl’s sister. It was about one hour north of where I live and as we pulled through the drive way the farm looked spectacular. Its entrance had a deceivingly narrow one way trail that led to the huge estate. It was surrounded by forest, there were cornfields in the middle, the house was off to the side, and there was an artificial lake on the far end. Cars were packed in every crevice of space. I ran over a little fern by accident and parked on the side of a slope.
We said our hellos, all the relatives were surprisingly friendly, Croatian people. The host brought us to this massive outside tent where all the seats and food were gathered. There were already a lot of people there... More people than I thought there would be. About 150. Mostly relatives at this time. I was on the prowl for any hot cousins she had. As we walked into the tent I shadowed this beautiful figure in a tight red dress. We ended up sitting next to one another somehow. She turned out to be really ugly... And with her boyfriend. In fact my entire table had girls with their boyfriends (supposedly). You never know, sometimes it’s actually their “boyfriends”, sometimes it’s a guy who invited a friend he likes to some party in order to make his move there, sometimes it’s just some guy they’re casually dating, some times it really is just a friend.
Better than facebook friends
I was feeling a little bored. I introduced myself around the table, had some small chat with everybody and went on frequent smoke breaks i.e. going to my car and watching my brother take a few shots of vodka . 4-5 people came that my brother knew so hazzahhh. It took a while for us to get comfortable around each other. One person was a history major (who babysat for a rich family as a job) looking to become a librarian. Another was a film maker who’s won international and national awards in his country, another one was a documentary film maker studying in Concordia university. Another was a computer science major who was also a classical guitarist. Some really amazing ambitious people who are really just fun and down to earth, this is what I learned as the night went on. I was talking to the film maker, and we related on starcraft surprisingly enough, I talked to him about the possibilities of a documentary about starcraft. The king of kong was an AMAZING movie but with starcrafts much richer history and its unusual role as a national sport in korea, it would just offer so much more raw material.
It became ceremonious all of us, in groups of 2-3, sometimes all to sneak into my car and pass the booze around. This night was going to be awesome. Meeting these new, great people. The old people JUST starting to leave, the HEAVENS about to open up to us. By 11pm all the old people were gone and youth that wreaked of perfume and opportunity started to pour in. Girls started to pour in too. Beautiful girls. We cleared the tables in the middle and made it into a mini dance floor. Our group including the birthday girl took the middle and others joined us and we just danced and danced and danced and it was a hell of a time. I was dancing with the guys too in our little clique because they were fucking awesome. Just an energetic, all out war on the dance floor.
Sooner or later it was 3am and people started leaving until there were about 10 of us left. We weren’t allowed to form a bonfire afterall so I just took a candle that was on the table and put it on the floor and we sat around it. That core group of people were still there and there were 2 beautiful girls in addition to the rest. One sat beside me and she was with her friend who took a liking to my brother. At this point we were passing around some more wine (I was passing of course). The night was a failure in the sense that I didn’t score pot but it was one of those unforgettable nights. There was this THICK eerie mist that hugged the ground and the entire night sky OPENED to us. We sat around, talking about friendship, life, relationships even politics.
Dreamgirls
The hostess gave us all pillows and blankets to share. My girl shared a blanket with me. Apparently she was a law major, who was into the same type of self-help books as me. She also studied political science because she wanted a way to ground her beliefs in truth, in logic. The entire group conversation took an odd but interesting turn to inequality and gender roles. I wasn’t paying that much attention but someone (from my group) brought up the fact that they had a friend who they considered to be their “equal” in terms of success. She got her masters by 22 and ran a successful business. If she was a guy, she’d still be considered successful, but it wouldn’t be that special would it? If she were a guy. He is also quite successful as he’s won a lot of prestigious awards at a young age. If he were a girl he’d receive a lot more attention and kudos. Even earlier I mentioned the fact that I was impressed with the fact that my girl said she wanted to ground her beliefs in truth and logic. But I know a dozen guys who study philosophy specifically to do that.... He has a point.
I admitted that I pretty much want a girl who’s a guy. Independent, ambitious, but with a nurturing, feminine side. But I want someone with a masculine heart, that’s for sure. The end of the night was perfect. Me and her snuck under our blankets and we snuck in a kiss. Nothing too dirty. It was sweet. And then she told me her and her friend had no ride home. She was on my way home so I decided why not? I drove her and my brother, and her friend home. I haven’t met a girl like this in a while. I had to actually yell at myself inside and remind myself constantly, “relax, she’s just a girl.”
As we are driving I tell her about some of the books I’m interested in. She’s interested in management so I tell her a little about the psychology of flow and how that might be useful for motivating people. Flow is when you’re so completely engaged in an activity that you lose yourself in it completely, 6 hours feels like 6 minutes. And sure enough the hour ride felt like it was 1 minute. My brother and his girl though were awfully quiet this entire time. I figured my brother was just super hammered and fell asleep or they had no chemistry with each other. I took a peak in my mirror and saw my brother fast asleep.
The end....Not *sigh*
Bran
Suddenly puke. My brother started vomiting this vile pink puke all over himself and the car seat. The girl in the back started screaming. She then asked my brother if he was okay, he said and I quote, "I'm goo-BLARRABARBGG!!.” While a stream of pink jet flew all over his chest. It didn’t smell at first.... But then it started to smell like a cleaning closet in a brewery that hadn’t been cleaned in 10 years. I rolled down all the windows and sped to her place. I asked her if it was ok if she could get a t shirt pants, a paper bag and things to clean the puke with. She was cool with everything... But as soon as I got to her place my brother said, “Just take me home.” He started to bark that at me, when I told him he should get out and get clean first. He got more and more belligerent so I had to just drive him home. She was thoughtful enough to at least hand me a tyolnel pill and a bottle of water for my brother. I refused the t shirts that she handed me.
So I get home... My brother the idiot fumbles his way upstairs as I’m left to clean his puke. I yell to him, “Don’t mess up the washroom too bad.” It’s all over the fucking seat, and on the side, ande all over the seat belt. I decide the best way to do this is to hose this shit down. So I whip out my hose and spray my car insides at full fucking power. Bad idea. All the chunks of puke and bile pool in the corners of the seats and on the floor. Fucking great. It smells like Satan’s ass. I actually see this mini foam mattress in the front being thrown out so I rip big chunks of it off and try my best to scoop the pink out. Now I have to scoop the WATER out as well as the chunks skimming the top. Fuck my life. Fuck my brother’s life. It takes me about 40 minutes to clean everything out. Or so I thought but then comes the fabulous part of cleaning the puke out of the nooks of the seat. You know what that’s like? You take rolls of paper towels. Wrap it around your fingers as tight as you can and you SQUEEZE your fingers inbetween the cracks of the seats that go DEEEEEP into the seats, and you SLIDE each piece CHUNK out. Oh God, the million little pieces I took out.... Not knowing what the fuck they possibly could’ve been hours earlier, was the worst thing in my life. And of course each one was covered in a nice thick, slimy bile as well.
I’ve seen a woman shit into another woman’s mouth.
This was worse.
Arya
So after all is said and done.... I tell myself, “Okay, here’s what you do now. You take a long hot shower. You make yourself some pancakes and sausages that you’ve been craving forever, and then you listen to an audio book chapter of the game of thrones as you relax and sleep.”
Perfect. So with the thought of relieving all this stress and putting this ordeal behind me with a nice hot, clean shower I walk in.... A trail of puke.... I follow it to a closed bathroom door. I open it, and the smell knocks me back. The sight.... makes my face flush. Puke. Puke everywhere. On the mirrors (what the fuck), sprayed all over the floor (what the fuck), on the curtains (what the fuck), and the tub.... My dear God. The tub is half full of water, drain PLUGGED manually (WHAT the fuck??) with puke in it. Lots of puke in it. I can't even shower?
fuck his life. Fuck his life. FUCK HIS LIFE.
P.S. How to clean vomit from leather?
