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the Dagon Knight4005 Posts
I feel like I should chair a meeting of Dreadful Gamers Anonymous here and just admit it.
Hi, my name is SirJolt, and I’m really bad at Brood war. It’s been about six months since my last win and I can still taste the sweet victory when I shut my eyes.
Day[9] has the right idea, inviting his viewers to “Be a Better Gamer,” but there comes a time when being a better gamer just isn’t within our reach. I’m a simple guy, with a simply guy’s hands and brain.
You can’t imagine the number of drones I’ve sent into combat alongside my hydras, the number of defilers I’ve let gradually accumulate energy until, bloated and useless, they are killed. Occasionally, I’ll buy an overlord at the right time, but it’s never a sure thing.
I’m not a man for delayed gratification, I can’t get no satisfaction. I need instant gratisfaction®.
For some of us, Brood War will forever be outside our competence. At least, until now.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Y0F1N.png) Originally, we had considered StarCraft 2 Hero, but then we realised that there was far less need for it than the real project…
-Brood War Hero-
For the completely inept, I’m proud to say that I can offer a package that presents REAL Brood War style scenarios and relies on your responses to win or lose. Play through career mode’s leagues as your favourite progamer, be the clutch player in any number of team games.
Use the specialised Brood War Hero™ keyboard to simulate the experience of being a real life progamer!
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/dRFAZ.png) As you can see, the highly specialised custom keyboard boasts all the buttons you need, 1, 2,3, and A. The A button also acts as an action button for rounds in which you control spellcasters. You'll have full access to all the commands you love so much.
Play as your favourite Progamer
Brood War Hero™ offers you the opportunity to live out your dreams in our never-before-seen single player campaign. Take on the role of your favourite Brood War progamer, can you manage to win the OSL and the MSL? Is the coveted golden mouse within your reach? Bonus points are awarded for managing to carry your team
Have you ever wished you were Jangbi? I’ll bet you have. I know I have. We’re offering you that chance!
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Z1zPe.jpg) Now you too can experience how it feels to play Brood War as Jangbi. You can practically feel the psionic energy crackle as your repeatedly hit the "Storm" button and enemy hydras simply burst before the weight of eldritch energies.
Normally, a normal human wouldn’t have any hope of keeping up with the multi-tasking required to be Jangbi. Brood War Hero™ takes some of the difficulty away by giving you one collective energy pool for all of your high templar (above right), which means you can do less fussing and more storming.
Have you ever considered what it would be like to be the Tyrant? The Legend Killer? Lee Jae Dong himself? If not, it’s only because you have worried that, like Icarus, you might stray too close to godhood and be flayed alive by the proximity to the sun for your transgressions.
Fear no more mortal, for I can deliver into your mind the feeling or being three time WCG winner, three time OSL champion and twice king of MSL. You too can be Jaedong.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/ZsM20.jpg) My hands quake as I stretch across all four of the keys I have at my disposal. For a moment, for just one moment, I know what it is to be him, and I weep, tears thudding softly to the desk. Truly, this is as close as man has been to god.
Purchasing Info:
For the moment, the application is still very much in development, but I hope to make a beta available soon. There is no release schedule, but we aim to add new progamers to the campaign mode every single week, and the optional expansion will add a head-to-head career option, giving players the opportunity to play as Yellow[Arnc] and twin brother Luxury in a constant fight to stay on top.
If you want to offer your support, order now by simply sending me 100 Esports dollars (through PM or PlayPal) and I’ll add you to our list of closed beta participants.*
*+ Show Spoiler +Closed beta participants may be subject to additional levies/taxes/fines/fees/tarries/duties/tolls/excises and/or tithes. These will be added to your subscription automatically as rolling renewal charges, each in the region of fifty (50) Esports dollars per month. Cancellation will be managed easily. Should you choose to cancel, simply contact our offices and request the cancellation. Unfortunately, due to high demands on staff time, our offices are no longer contactable by telephone, email, letter post or fax. We are, however, still contactable by telegram, semaphore, ogham and hand-carved braille tapped discretely into the wall by the door [between the hours of midnight and seven am] If you are for any reason unable to meet the above conditions, you may make your complaints in the entirely fair and unbiased medium offered by this thread, though I make no assurances that I will ever read them.
 
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+ Show Spoiler +
Love the slick design of the keyboard!
Now I can Zerg rush with the click of 4 buttons and perform musical sonatas that will make ears cry and faces drown in their loss.
Victory, at last!
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This is actually a very well-made insult to SC2 LOL
The reason it's well-made is because it's true ^^;
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LOL 5/5!
I want that Jaedong power!
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Blazinghand
United States25553 Posts
5/5... my god.
I can't stop laughing I can't stop laughing at all I'm embarssing myself people are staring why can't I stop
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Great, now I'm gonna have little kids going around screaming "LOOK AT HOW PRO I AM AT BW" just because they beat a custom-made Bo5 vs. Flash Hana Daetoo MSL on Terminator level.
Personally I think this will make people think that they are good at BW when they're not. With only four buttons, sure you can release Youtube videos of yourself getting simultaneous swarm+plague combos all over the place, but it's nothing next to actually being Jaedong. As if we didn't have enough of this already 
And with that last paragraph I feel incredibly self-conscious. But a 6/5 for this awesome post :3
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Hahahaha - 5/5! This is amazing.
SirJolt, I am in love with you. js.
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take all my esports dollars and give me a beta key!
I always said Templar should have one big pool of energy with those exact graphics.
1a2a3a1a2a3a1a2a3a
yeah i still got some of it. This game will be featured at MLG next year for sure.
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1a2a3a play like the pros all day  $50 ESPORTS dollars per month to be like Jaedong? Deal.
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1a2a3a1a2a3a1a2a3a GOLD STAR
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I'm gonna hold out for the 2 button, SC2 version.
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Please make this reality.
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On August 05 2011 04:23 Flaccid wrote:
I'm gonna hold out for the 2 button, SC2 version.
Yea I don't think I want to pay for the useless 2 and 3 buttons when I just need 1
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This blog is one of the funniest I've read in a loooong time. I LOL'd in real life several times.
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On August 05 2011 03:43 ComaDose wrote:
take all my esports dollars and give me a beta key!
Oh God not this again. What have you done????
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United States10215 Posts
no robotic flash power??? HOW COULD YOU!!! 5/5 funny lol
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the Dagon Knight4005 Posts
But wait, there's more! If you order now, we'll throw in a free chair!*
* Chairs not guaranteed in cases of esports drama
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5/5
TOO GOOD
I want to be Protoss Hero. Can I switch out my "2" for "F"?
1a FFFFFFFFFFFFF
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*sigh* ruining esports...
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Shut up and take my money!
Not enough?
Here's some MORE money!
And here is even MORE of it!
Just take even MORE of my money!
There is plenty of money where that came from! Take it all so I can pretend to actually know how to play Zerg!
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On August 05 2011 05:36 OpticalShot wrote:
5/5
TOO GOOD
I want to be Protoss Hero. Can I switch out my "2" for "F"?
1a FFFFFFFFFFFFF
come on dude this is already is protoss hero (broodwar that is), don't you see that 1a2a3a?
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Activate Progamer Power -> hear korean fangirls screaming in the background!
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So if I quickly jerk my keybord will I go into "bonjwa mode" and all of my guys get 3/3 for a short time?
edit: typo oops
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On August 05 2011 06:27 hacklebeast wrote:
So if I quickly jerk my keybord will I go into "bomjwa mode" and all of my guys get 3/3 for a short time?
No.
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Good description of SC2
Love the post!
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Wow. Awesome. I love the community.
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Nice one, dude. But one question I can't figure out: Why would I want to be Jangbi? I'd rather be him:
![[image loading]](http://www.teamliquid.net/staff/Plexa/TBITB/bisu.jpg)
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3030 Posts
How are you so amazing SirJolt. Give half off, 100 Esports dollars is too expensive!!!
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On August 05 2011 07:41 surfinbird1 wrote:Nice one, dude. But one question I can't figure out: Why would I want to be Jangbi? I'd rather be him:
Thats not possible, not even in a video game.
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the Dagon Knight4005 Posts
On August 05 2011 07:46 blahz0r wrote:
How are you so amazing SirJolt. Give half off, 100 Esports dollars is too expensive!!!
The plan for the moment is to charge this price for early access to the beta and offer players an optional skin that will allow them to play through the Yellow[Arnc] campaign a Luxury.
Once we've been live for six months, falling subscriberships will cause us to move to a free-to-play-with-microtransactions model.
"Are you sick and tired of lurkers? For just another five esports dollars, you could buy an observer!"
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United States17042 Posts
1a2a3a meme has apparently died with sc2. it's now 1a.
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On August 05 2011 09:28 GHOSTCLAW wrote:
1a2a3a meme has apparently died with sc2. it's now 1a.
You know it's true when GM players do it
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Christ SirJolt you keep coming with back to back with amazing threads, why so imaginative! 5/5 <3!
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On August 05 2011 09:24 SirJolt wrote:Show nested quote +On August 05 2011 07:46 blahz0r wrote:
How are you so amazing SirJolt. Give half off, 100 Esports dollars is too expensive!!! The plan for the moment is to charge this price for early access to the beta and offer players an optional skin that will allow them to play through the Yellow[Arnc] campaign a Luxury. Once we've been live for six months, falling subscriberships will cause us to move to a free-to-play-with-microtransactions model. "Are you sick and tired of lurkers? For just another five esports dollars, you could buy an observer!"
I'de rather have zeratul. He kills lurkers without them being able to kill him, the obs just stares at them and cries about how they won't die to his stare!
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Hong Kong20321 Posts
never fail to amaze !
5/5 :D
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I would play the shit out of this. If there aren't stork games in there I would not play the shit out of this. I am now contradicting myself.....
I would totally play the shit out of this.
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This is so genius. o.o
5/5 gold. :D
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LOL, this is amazing. If this actually happened, OMG
5/5
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haha. so pwnage.
Don't tell activision, they'll think it's a serious pitch xD
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I only have e-sports pesos, but will it suffice?
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How much is the Bisu and Stork Archon expansion?
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United States11637 Posts
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if you break out of a winning streak and start failing it should display daniel shouting out "SONG BYUNG GOO" on the side
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Lol well done man, nicely written, may the Dong power be with you young SC jedi.
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5/5 awesome stuff in here hahaha
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WHERE IS THE FLASH POWER?!?!?!?! (((
I want to play like Flash in top condition not like Jaedong
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the Dagon Knight4005 Posts
Now announcing the QXC Expansion Pack:
TL BLOG HERO™
This expansion pack allows players to play as FXO's QXC, dominator of the GSTL. Of course, many of you will have encountered QXC on TeamLiquid already, not only as a progamer, but as a tremendously impressive blog poster.
As a result, we will be including with the beta a copy of the QXC campaign. Between rounds in the GSTL, QXC players will be required to post blogs with a rating of more than four stars. Now, I can already hear those of you who don't enjoy blogging crying,
But SirJolt, I got into this because I didn't want to do things that were difficult. Won't writing a blog be hard?
For you, we have designed a blogging interface that takes a lot of the work out of writing blogs. Punctuation has been omitted, spelling eliminated and grammar excised. What's left is as pure a rebuilding of the problogging experience possible.
Now you too can post like QWC:
+ Show Spoiler +I did actually try to make a blog out of all those little words, but it was like playing TL Blog Hero on expert or something.
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SirJolt why are you so fucking incredible
Seriously how do you do that
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SirJolt strikes again.
6/5
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On August 05 2011 13:31 Cow wrote:
LOL, this is amazing. If this actually happened, OMG
5/5
Wait it isn't real? There goes my hundred bucks....
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/fPn3P.png)
