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Normally I wouldn't come to vent about my problems online, but I have asked all my friends on this issue and they are pretty divided.
I met this girl, and we've talked sparingly over the last 2 years, but lately (last 2 months) we've been talking a little more. EDIT: a LOT more. She admitted she liked me, and I admitted I liked her, but she told me that she couldn't date me unless I became more Christian.
Now I consider myself theist, but I don't affiliate myself with any specific religion. (My rational for the existence of God is that whatever force/energy/being created the stuff that's around today, in whatever form it exists in, should be given the name God).
So basically, I believe in God, and I think that should be enough for most christian girls, but she's really adamant about this. I think that she should back down and compromise her (in my opinion unfounded and close-minded) belief, at least until we actually GO OUT, and if we get really serious, I believe I would change for her.
So what does TL.net think?
Poll: Should I back down, or should she?Neither of you should date each other. (90) 83% She should back down, she is being blinded by unfounded religious belief. (17) 16% I should back down, I'm being silly and I should avoid conflict. (2) 2% 109 total votes Your vote: Should I back down, or should she? (Vote): I should back down, I'm being silly and I should avoid conflict.
(Vote): She should back down, she is being blinded by unfounded religious belief.
(Vote): Neither of you should date each other.
Advice?
 
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Imo you're getting yourself into a bad relationship.. She isn't willing to accept you for who you are, it's up to you to decide if she's hot enough for that to matter I guess.
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I think if you change yourself for another you lose grasp of yourself.
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Terrible terrible idea,
I promise you will save yourself a lot of trouble if you do not change yourself (drastically) to suit a girl, especially when we're talking about religion.
If a girl told me she couldn't date me for religious reasons, I would honestly be glad she was honest about it and move on.
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Bail dude. Just bail. She sounds really controlling already. If you were about to get married I'd understand but if she's demanding this just for dating imagine what she'll be like after 6 months.
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tbh though, if her stance is that she would totally date you as you are, except for calling yourself a Christian (since seriously, that's all she actually wants), she isn't very serious about it herself beyond as an identification label.
Honestly, unless she is like a Southern Bible Belt redneck "Born-again Evangelist" who holds hard to beliefs she can't actually verbalize because she merely claims to believe because she thinks that's what she's supposed to say, you probably could pressure her and eventually start dating and make huge concessions in what she is currently demanding/expecting.
Not that I endorse that at all, just wanted to let you know that because it's just a label to her, all you have to do is stamp that superficial label on yourself. Also because I wanted to make the point that Christians that actually have a firm conviction of their faith and beliefs would not do something so stupid as missionary dating.
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Been there, done that, and I agree with all the post before me.
Based on my own experience, it is really difficult to start a relationship without the same view and understanding.
Well, if you just want to have some fun then I can't see why not to. Although it's hard to imagine you'll really enjoy it considering your current situation 
Thus being said, I would say just enjoy your time and feeling  You're not getting those feeling everyday right?
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Are you willing to fake affiliation to a religion for a girl? Is she ok knowing the fact that you'll basically be faking it? Does she consider that having a boyfriend faking being religious is more acceptable than one being true about his beliefs?
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So she tells you that se likes you and to date her you must become someone else? How messed up is that?
If you are considering a relationship longer then it takes to take off your clothes i would say "forget about her". But love can sometimes make no sense so it's up to you.
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I think it's usually a bad idea to stay with someone who has issues like that. If she needs you to convert simply because she's being closed minded about her beliefs, that's likely a sign she'll be closed minded about plenty of other stuff (or at least much of what her faith teaches her, which generally covers damn near everything).
It's one thing to say your willing to go to church or something with her, but if she expects you to outright convert that's probably asking too much. If you have any doubts, drop that like a hot potato. Do not let someone else dictate what you should believe. If she can't accept that you don't believe the same thing as her, there's definitely a problem. Let her find some other brainwashed guy to be with.
But if you do decide not to pursue things, explain the situation to her. Tell her exactly how much of a concession you'd be willing to make (whether you'd be willing to go to church, etc.) and explain just how much you'd be willing to change, and let her make the decision, don't just say "it won't work out" or something. So many relationships/friendships/etc. end on bad terms simply because somebody didn't have the guts and/or brains to actually communicate with the other person.
Plus, if you can't communicate with her like that, it wouldn't likely last very long anyway.... Without proper communication, relationships generally don't last.
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If you love her go for it...don't change for her though in terms of your religion. Just fuck that bs, it's probably her parents pushing that onto her, and if not, then eh...you can try to have a relationship regardless, but there's gonna have to be a lot of trust, respect for each other's beliefs, and acceptance that you don't believe the same thing.
In the end tho, humans that don't get together because of difference in religion are pretty dumb. It's like me believing in willy wonka, and meh gf vehemently believing in the toothfairy...so we can't be together! lulz!
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On August 01 2011 15:46 H2OSno wrote:
Now I consider myself theist, but I don't affiliate myself with any specific religion. (My rational for the existence of God is that whatever force/energy/being created the stuff that's around today, in whatever form it exists in, should be given the name God).
That's not really a theist believe, you sound like a deist. Unless you actually think that 'force' listens to prayers and intervenes in our every day life. Then you are deluded :D.
Anyway, if she forces you this early to adopt her belief system, that relationship is doomed to fail, unless you are willing to give up your intellectual identity for her. Alternatively you can try convincing her that she is deluded and misguided by religion, but chances are you won't succeed in that.
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On August 01 2011 16:26 krndandaman wrote:
ok i am a christian so here's my 2cents.
she will probably never give up her belief that she can only date/marry christian guys.
you think her belief is close-minded and unfounded, but you say you believe in God. that's kind of a contradictory situation seeing how one of the Bible's teachings were to not marry (or in modern times, even date) non-believers.
so yeah, this probably isn't going to work out.
Basically this.
No matter what you do, sooner or later it will bite you.
You cannot force her to not be so religious and you will not be able to force yourself to be more religious, so if you decide to date her, it will result in a lot of bad arguments and very probably lots of tears.
Don't do it. Stay friends, but unless she is accepting you the way you are now (and even then i don't think it would work out), don't even think of more.
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So basically, I believe in God, and I think that should be enough for most christian girls, but she's really adamant about this. I think that she should back down and compromise her (in my opinion unfounded and close-minded) belief, at least until we actually GO OUT, and if we get really serious, I believe I would change for her.
from your last paragraph, i really think the both of you are not suited in any way for each other.
1) so what if you believe in A God/gods. many other religions have A God or gods. it does not equate to her religion. I'm surprised she's actually naive to ask you to be more Christian - its totally ridiculous. it doesnt even seem you are Christian... how do you become MORE.
2) you ask the girl to change for you now but u'd only change if you both get really serious. huge double standard. and changing religion for a person is imo 1 of the most unsustainable things ever -just a huge denial and lie.
3) you think that her religious beliefs are unfounded and close-minded. religion is a big issue and since you don't respect her in this aspect, it'd be hard for you to respect her as a person on the whole. this will lead her to not respect you too. just imagine if the roles were reversed and you met a girl that scoffed at any belief in a God. she think u're a loser for being theist. how would you feel?
pardon me but you seem not to be using your "upper" brain. though at a young age i guess we all think alot with the "lower" brain when it comes to girls. even if this girl relents, it wont work out well imo.
there are tonnes hot girls out there who will fit you better. stay friends with this girl, because hot girls have hot girlfriends. and girls like men that their girlfriends like.
all the best in finding your 1st :D
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On August 01 2011 16:46 krndandaman wrote:Show nested quote +On August 01 2011 16:31 h3r1n6 wrote:On August 01 2011 15:46 H2OSno wrote:
Now I consider myself theist, but I don't affiliate myself with any specific religion. (My rational for the existence of God is that whatever force/energy/being created the stuff that's around today, in whatever form it exists in, should be given the name God). Alternatively you can try convincing her that she is deluded and misguided by religion, but chances are you won't succeed in that. yeah... before you know it you will be kicked the curb in an instant. just think about it in any other way. girl says she likes jersey shore. you think its the most stupid and idiotic show. you should just keep it to yourself should you not? or just say you dont like it. trying to convince the girl that jersey shore sucks and is a terrible show probably won't make things better between you and the girl.
Your analogy doesn't really hold up. In his situation, the girl forces him to watch the jersey shore all day every day and to like it. If a girl would tell me that I would have to get more religious for her, I would literally tell her to fuck off without hesitating.
You can accept that she is religious, not really a problem, but if she doesn't accept that you are not as religious, that doesn't work.
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This religion thing will always be a problem in your "relationship" (If there will ever be one)
For example: In 2 years, when you go out, you will say "Oh my god..." and she will say "Stop saying that!" and you will have to explain it - for the 100th time.
Yea, you like each other, but you like many other people as well. No reason to go out with them.
What if she wants you to do crazy religion stuff you don't want to do every day/regularly? Will you just adjust your life to a girl?
Relationship broke because of even mroe stupid things, and you think you two can handle a religion-issue?
Won't happen, dude. Let her go.
You two are not made for each other!
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Roughly half of the planet is female. Out of more than 3 BILLION women, you ought to be able to find at least one that shares the same views as you do on something as fundamentally important and personal as religion and is dateable.
As others have said, this is a fruitless endeavor. Much like a couple with different desires about children (one person wants kids, the other doesn't, both enter the relationship thinking the other will change), religion (or lack thereof) is so fundamentally intertwined with one's conception of oneself that changing it to please another person is not only difficult, but probably unhealthy. Find someone who believes something roughly similar to you and date THEM instead. You'll be much happier, and Ms. Christian can be happy with someone who ACTUALLY shares her beliefs, rather than someone who pretends to.
On August 01 2011 16:59 h3r1n6 wrote:Show nested quote +On August 01 2011 16:46 krndandaman wrote:On August 01 2011 16:31 h3r1n6 wrote:On August 01 2011 15:46 H2OSno wrote:
Now I consider myself theist, but I don't affiliate myself with any specific religion. (My rational for the existence of God is that whatever force/energy/being created the stuff that's around today, in whatever form it exists in, should be given the name God). Alternatively you can try convincing her that she is deluded and misguided by religion, but chances are you won't succeed in that. yeah... before you know it you will be kicked the curb in an instant. just think about it in any other way. girl says she likes jersey shore. you think its the most stupid and idiotic show. you should just keep it to yourself should you not? or just say you dont like it. trying to convince the girl that jersey shore sucks and is a terrible show probably won't make things better between you and the girl. Your analogy doesn't really hold up. In his situation, the girl forces him to watch the jersey shore all day every day and to like it. If a girl would tell me that I would have to get more religious for her, I would literally tell her to fuck off without hesitating. You can accept that she is religious, not really a problem, but if she doesn't accept that you are not as religious, that doesn't work.
The problem with accepting differences in religion in a relationship is that eventually it's going to be an issue. Especially when kids show up. Most major religions sort of expect parents to raise their children according to their belief system, and to raise them Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Hindu/etc. When parents don't agree, there arises the issue of which parent's view matters more, and that's not healthy in a relationship.
Granted, the chances this relationship (or any relationship) gets to the "having kids" stage is slim, but if the relationship is doomed to fail at some point, why bother? If you know that you don't want it to get to that point, and just want some companionship for awhile, that's all well and good, but she needs to know that and want that, too.
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On August 01 2011 15:46 H2OSno wrote:Normally I wouldn't come to vent about my problems online, but I have asked all my friends on this issue and they are pretty divided. I met this girl, and we've talked sparingly over the last 2 years, but lately (last 2 months) we've been talking a little more. EDIT: a LOT more. She admitted she liked me, and I admitted I liked her, but she told me that she couldn't date me unless I became more Christian. Now I consider myself theist, but I don't affiliate myself with any specific religion. (My rational for the existence of God is that whatever force/energy/being created the stuff that's around today, in whatever form it exists in, should be given the name God). So basically, I believe in God, and I think that should be enough for most christian girls, but she's really adamant about this. I think that she should back down and compromise her (in my opinion unfounded and close-minded) belief, at least until we actually GO OUT, and if we get really serious, I believe I would change for her. So what does TL.net think? Poll: Should I back down, or should she?Neither of you should date each other. (90) 83% She should back down, she is being blinded by unfounded religious belief. (17) 16% I should back down, I'm being silly and I should avoid conflict. (2) 2% 109 total votes Your vote: Should I back down, or should she? (Vote): I should back down, I'm being silly and I should avoid conflict.
(Vote): She should back down, she is being blinded by unfounded religious belief.
(Vote): Neither of you should date each other.
Advice?
Drop.
That.
Shit.
Quick.
Seriously. Never date anyone who is going to force their religious beliefs on you. Absolutely terrible idea. It is NOT worth it. Religion is a pretty fundamental part of who you are, and if she can't accept that, then it's a horrible start for your relationship.
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A girl will say "fuck you" to her morals the instant she feels horny. Trust me on this. I've known, dated and fucked too many Christian girls to count.
They all say: "I'm waiting for marriage... I'll only date Christian guys... Etc." But once you get them in the mood, they'll come up with a million excuses. It's easy to break down their defences by saying: "Oh, but the Bible doesn't specifically say anywhere that you can't have sex before marriage," or "You've got try new things sometimes, God will understand" - all whilst fingering their clits through their panties.
If you can get the girl attracted to you, the Bible won't be a problem. If you don't take her virginity, some other asshole will. Christians are never innocent.
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Relationships should be give and take. Don't change the way you live if she wouldn't change the way she will.
I (am a pessimist but I) don't think it will work out in the long term D:
She just values christianity way too much, to the point that she outright refuses to date you until you convert. That's a bit controlling and intolerant, imo. She could at least accept you for who you are. That's what makes things work. Acceptance. Yeah.
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On August 01 2011 22:32 Discretionary Duck wrote:
A girl will say "fuck you" to her morals the instant she feels horny. Trust me on this. I've known, dated and fucked too many Christian girls to count.
They all say: "I'm waiting for marriage... I'll only date Christian guys... Etc." But once you get them in the mood, they'll come up with a million excuses. It's easy to break down their defences by saying: "Oh, but the Bible doesn't specifically say anywhere that you can't have sex before marriage," or "You've got try new things sometimes, God will understand" - all whilst fingering their clits through their panties.
If you can get the girl attracted to you, the Bible won't be a problem. If you don't take her virginity, some other asshole will. Christians are never innocent.
OP sounds like he wants a relationship, not just sex. If it were about sex, you're right. Religion is probably not that big a deal. But when you're trying to actually, you know, connect with someone on a personal level (not just get you dick wet, not that there's anything wrong with just trying to get your dick wet, so long as everyone's on the same page), religion does become an issue. Even if he could convince her to change...I'm not certain that someone that spontaneously decides to change a deeply-held conviction to please someone else is really worth the effort. That sort of weak-willed people-pleasing will probably cause more problems than it solves.
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Religion can be an important point for people so if you two have different views on it then it can be a big hassle. She obviously wants someone who holds views closer to her own when it comes to a mate but if you simply don't feel the same way on an important issue (religion) then you shouldn't do it. At least she is upfront about it instead of dating for a while then bringing this up.
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On August 01 2011 15:46 H2OSno wrote:
So basically, I believe in God, and I think that should be enough for most christian girls, but she's really adamant about this. I think that she should back down and compromise her (in my opinion unfounded and close-minded) belief, at least until we actually GO OUT, and if we get really serious, I believe I would change for her.
Advice?
Be careful you don't start a "me versus God" argument because you'll probably lose.
There's really no poll necessary; ask her for a shot as you are. If she refuses then move on. Do NOT try to get her to compromise her beliefs. She, in turn, shouldn't expect you to compromise yours. If something like that were to ever happen, it must be the individual's decision, not the decision of those close to them.
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Religion is one of few things you should not compromise. Period.
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On August 01 2011 23:17 Slaughter wrote:
Religion can be an "important point" for people because their parents told them so so if you two have different views on it then it can be a big hassle. She obviously wants someone who holds views closer to her own when it comes to a mate but if you simply don't feel the same way on an important issue (religion) then you shouldn't do it. At least she is upfront about it instead of dating for a while then bringing this up.
How old this is girl anyway?
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just drop it... very quick
too me, being an atheist, the thought of dating someone who believes in god is just not gonna happen. But then the thought of changing my views... not gonna happen either.
Dont fake who you are or what you believe, ANY good relationship is built upon that.
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I'd like to know your ages and her religion, not that it would make a difference in my response - just curious.
There are many varieties of Christianity - all having the same premise, but with different dictates. Relationships are difficult without starting off with differences. Even though you say you'd change, it would take more than her wanting you to change for you to do so in your heart.
You'd be starting off on the wrong foot, especially if she's a die-hard Christian. Whilst it's ultimately your decision, my advice would be to find someone who shares the same beliefs as you.
However, there are couples of different race, religion, political beliefs, etc. who have had long-lasting relationships. They've managed to weather the storm. Just know there will be a storm if a relationship between the two of you develops. Not at first, but when the "love" chemical diminishes.
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By asking this on TL, or the internet in fact, you will get responses that say drop her immediately.
Edit: That being said, the MAIN point is that you probably shouldn't continue this attempt at a relationship if you yourself are calling her beliefs "unfounded and close-minded".
Now I'm NOT disputing this, but you CLEARLY do not want to be converted and are content with your current belief structure. There is no way in which this relationship could ever work if she is a hardcore Christian because you two will have fundamentally different beliefs (and religion is something that you shouldn't try to "comprise" on, it'll always come back to bite you).
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Look, at the end of the day... Women love dominant men. You need to put her in her place. She doesn't actually want you to please her by changing yourself for her. Chicks hate that. They can't stand guys that agree with them for the sake of appeasing them - despite claiming so to the contrary. It's kind of like how they watch chick-flix and complain that more guys aren't nice like Hugh Grant - of course solid, testable and empirical evidence shows that nice guys finish last.
So the solution? Tell her to shut the fuck up, that religion is a load of bullshit, and if she tries to argue shoot her the fuck down. Say to her: "If your God is real, tell Him to come at me baby!" Then get out a Bible and piss on it. OK maybe not the last part. But you need to be firm and strong.
This will turn her on immensely. Girls love assholes who aren't afraid to offend.
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"...I became more Christian"
I read this far. Dump her now.
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Religious nutcases cannot think for themselves. Move on, or at least try to get the pussy and move on. Irrational people will certainly bring their special brand of instability into your life if you allow them.
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Yeah I'd say back off this one. If she's going to force you to change who you are then that isn't a healthy relationship. From my point of view a relationship should be accepting that other person for who they are. You can't pick and choose what you like and don't like about a person. So pass this one up.
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Hahaha I loved all the responses. Thanks for the help!
@Endymion: She's definitely hot enough.
@Emporio: She's as sane a christian as I ever have come across. I have questioned her about her beliefs and she acknowledges that it's mainly faith, and she accepts that.
@Krndandaman: Uhh, I believe in God, and some of the historical context of the bible. But I am not sure if I can ever honestly believe in the God portrayed in the christian bible.
@h3r1n6: One of them "ists" 
@bovi: Honestly, if I found a girl that I truly wanted to be with, I wouldn't give a damn sacrificing a superficial thing like belief system to be truly happy.
@beberly: My mom's some kind of christian, and my dads Jewish, my uncle (who I have a lot of contact with) is atheist, and my best friend's family is Islamic. I am close to 2 Hindu's. I honestly won't care what I raise my kids as, as long as they get a healthy look at everything.
Thanks for the responses everybody!
Thanks for the 1.67 stars on the blog.
/foreveralone
EDIT: Oh, and I just want to clarify to everyone, I didn't mean the "Unfounded and close-minded beliefs" as harshly as that came out. I simply meant that if I can accept her and her religious beliefs without a care, that I wish she could do that same for me.
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konadora
Singapore66158 Posts
she will not care after you become more "serious"
happened to one of my two best friends. sigh.
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just play it cool, don't change ur values and beliefs, but don't back away from her completely. Just keep it open
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If you start giving in to her demands (whatever they are) she'll demand more on you - making you more tired and weary. You already said you're flexible and you can accept that there is a God. You can accept her beliefs and the way she is. Why can't she accept your beliefs and the way you are? Dating a control freak is something I'd always advise against.
Ask if she can loosen up for you, and if she can't do that, move on.
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She chooses what she believes, so you should get to choose what you believe.
Few if any "christians" are christian by the book. Everyone chooses what they do as prescribed by their religion. In what way does she want you to be more Christian?
Let me tell you what I'd do:
I would go to their church to see how they practice their religion
I would discuss my beliefs versus their beliefs, and inquire about some of the thought processes that she has about certain things she believes in (which it seems you've already done)
But
... if she asks you to do something that goes beyond just "trying harder" at being YOUR religion, and she withholds something (because believe it or not, she's "withholding" dating from you), it's a sign that she'll do something similar in the future
"no sex unless you go to church with me"
just my 2 cents~
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/iqMg7.jpg)
