EPTA lot of you have probably seen me posting in the girl blogs and have wondered what qualifications I have had. I haven't really had any qualifications. This is my story... feel free to judge harshly or to post advice that won't be pertinent since everything I write will be in past tense... people will probably do both.
Reading my blog is a lot like getting stabbed by a spartan queeen... it will not be over quickly... and you will (probably) not enjoy it.
It started with the beginning of my second year of University. I was addicted to games, and to TL, I literally wasted 8 hours a day either browsing or playing UMS. My marks in school suffered ever since I'd gotten my own personal laptop, and I'd ended up having to retake Calc over the summer. I just didn't know what to do... even when I didn't install games on my computer, I'd go to school once a week and binge play until 5... 6AM and screw myself over for another week of class. I had very few friends at Uni... I never did anything with anyone. When people threw parties.. I went to play games.
I had no hope... until... January moved to my res (Jan for short). Brown haired (though not always), medium height, rather skinny. It started out rather innocuously... we met each other drawing a mural with two other residents on the wall. I drew a chibi marine ^_^ and they all asked me what it was. Jan wasn't that great at drawing... I made fun of her elephant by mistaking it for a beaver. I was the worst artist by far though...
A few days later, school started, and the res went out... We got ourselves chinese, and I offered to share food with Jan... she turned me down and gave me a reply that hinted that she wanted to just stay friends(In case you're wondering the reply was "You're a nice guy"... like I've never heard that before!). (And in my defence the portions were huge). I think at that moment people started realizing that I liked her.
Later that night, we're just walking about town, and we find this large fire in a huge retail building. We see shadows of people inside as firefighters break in and search the floors with flashlights. Jan and I stand next to each other, and she complains that she's cold... I'm thinking "what do I do? :d I'm not good with girls! Do I offer her my jacket?!" ... Then she nudges me with her shoulder.
O_O "Oh my gaw! Was it an accident? Do I nudge her back?!" *wimpy nudge* >.< "There, that'll show her that I'm interested in her!"... "Oh no.. but what if her nudge was an accident!?" "Now she'll think I'm a creep forever!" *she nudges me again* :DDDDDDDDDD
The firefighters put out the fires outside my heart, and no one gets hurt. We head home, explore a hollow building, and then the res hangs out. During the conversation, I learn that aside from just stealing hearts, she says that she has a habit of stealing construction things.
Red sirens should have been going off in my head saying "Don't do it! Abandon mission she's a kleptomaniac!!... That word has maniac in it!"
I ended up holding the construction sign opposite her as we sprinted in the darkness home. Some workers watching us laughed almost as loudly as we did.
January was the first girl I'd liked since high school. Pretty quickly, I stopped playing video games by myself... and I browsed about an hour a day. My reasoning was that I could better be spending my time with her.
I saw her around res, ate with her, and played games with others while she watched. We saw some movies together but all of these gatherings had a fundamental flaw. There were other people nearby T_T.
No matter, I knew how to rectify the situation. I think a week later, I found her in the public area as I was checking my emails, and I asked her if she wanted to go with me to some environmental talk.
Part 2...
As I was saying, I found her alone as I was checking my emails, and I asked her if she wanted to go with me to some environmental talk.
I care NOTHING for the environment, but she was an environmental design student and I thought, wrongly, that environmental design had to do with the environment.
Guess what?... She said YES! But it turns out that event had already happened. School emails almost always tell me about events happening 4 hours after they're sent.
I think for two main reasons, after this, I just stopped making blatant approaches on her.
1. I accepted just being able to hang out with her. It made me happy, what more did I need?
2. I grew jealous seeing her flirting with other guys
Two more weeks pass, and the res throws a kegger. For once I decided to stay, it was my first time really drinking :0! We chill a bit with a few of her friends in her room beforehand. I talk to people, do a kegstand, climb a tree, see the girl of my dreams constantly flirt with another guy from our res (Hockey) sitting on the radiator... you know normal party stuff... I feel like shit. ;_; Wait... no... that's not right. I don't feel like slush or raisins. I rather feel like I've gotten punched in the stomache, and it's all I can do to keep breathing.
But this sadness turns into rage, and I am able to use the rage to hold on and to act like I'm fine.
I leave for a bit, and when I come back, Jan is monitoring the keg, making sure that the cost is split equally and legally amongst all invited legal members of said legal private party. One of her friends, November just comes up to me in front of everyone and says that if I down my bottle, she'd kiss me in front of everyone. Some context here might be helpful. I'd tried my darndest to take baby sips all night, and November was just trying to be nice by trying to get me to drink more so I'd have a good time. She'd attempted to kiss me earlier the night, but I'd pushed her away before I saw her.
I tilted my head to the side to contemplate the decision. In a more sober state of mind, I might not have done it, but I was angry! In one swift movement, I downed that remaining half bottle mix of Sunny-D and Vodka! >:-) (yeah! Who's bad?) The last thought going into my mind before the act: "I wonder if this will make Jan jealous." It was my first, a french kiss, rather pleasant, though amateur on my part I'm sure. I still don't know why I closed my eyes or leaned my head to the right instead of left. I think I just did what felt natural.
Anyways, I end up dancing with Jan and Nov (shoot me now, I'd rather not recall those moments anymore) played some gay chicken, set my alarm, and went to bed.
I talk to two of my best friends about Jan. I'm starting to have dreams about her. Every girl I see outside at night, I think... is her. I couldn't focus well in class. I worried that if I dated her, since we lived in the same res, if anything bad happened, I'd be screwed. If I tried anything I'd ruin a perfectly good friendship.
One of the two friends said that I understand the situation best and that I should decide for myself. The other says that I've just never had a crush like this, and that I just needed to beat off and take things slow since I know nothing about her. He even offers me some porn. I didn't know what to think, so I tried to avoid Jan, to give myself some time to think.
Literally one week after the original party, there's another. Talking, beer pong, tree, etc... At some point in the night Goalie, another guy, Racer, and Jan are there outside with me. They pass this pipe of weed around with each other, until eventually Jan asks if I want to try. While I'm all for experimentation, I had a hard time saying yes to this. You see, my grandfather, and my grandmother both prioritized smoking on the same level as drinking water. I hated the second hand smoke, and I'd vowed never to smoke in my life. I took a few puffs, coughed, and then one of my friends that I'd talked about called me to check up on me. The other one checked on me earlier that day.
I went to my room, getting stopped briefly by another friend, to whom I'd assured I was alright. I just wanted to go to bed. I went to the bathroom, applied toothpaste to my brush, and broke down crying. I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. My eyes were red, my complexion was dull, and I acted like something I wasn't. Or perhaps I wasn't acting, perhaps I was actually moving towards a life of debauchery. I sat down on the floor and pulled my knees in. I tried to make words but every sound coming from my mouth was inhuman. I cried like that for a good five minutes. That was the last time I cried.
Part 3...
Jan cried too. I learned later that Hockey had yelled at her for "corrupting me" although jokingly. For an entire year the guys had tried to get me to drink, and finally a cute girl shows up, and I start to. I never thanked that guy for watching out for me like that.
Over the next month, I continued on, always rather sad that I wasn't the one she wanted. I met some great people in my major. I studied more. I went out more with friends, about once a week, and even went out on a zombie walk!
But every day, the reason why I'd come home at 10/11 after studying, instead of later, was for the slim hope of seeing her. I had dreams about her, multiple dreams a week, but none of them turned out well. Even in my dreams, I couldn't see us working out.
Finally, almost three months after first meeting Jan, one Sunday I just woke up thinking screw the consequences, I'm just going to tell her. But first I'll go out... and I'd buy clothes! I was still making excuses with myself, like that she wasn't awake to delay telling her.
3pm, I get to her room, and I knock on her door. 'maybe she's not there, oh well, I'll just tell her some other time'... footsteps, then she opens the door.
"Hi January I need to talk to you. Can I come in?"
"Sure is there something wrong?..." She looked concerned. I had been rehearsing possible conversations all morning, and yet not a single thought came to mind. I walked inside.
"...There's no easy way to say this... so I'll just say this in the simplest way possible." "...I" I look at the ground "... I have a bit of a crush on you."
"I know you probably don't like me back"
UTTER SILENCE on her part O_O
"I'm sorry, this is probably a rather uncomfortably situation for you"
"I... I don't know what to say chicken"
"That's ok, I didn't expect you to"
"I think I just see you a lot"
"I mean... we're completely different people... I read textbooks for fun... and you..."
I couldn't think of anything that I could say to make my prior statement sound unoffensive...
"... I don't think I've ever read a textbook"
Then I made an excuse "I probably don't have the time for a girlfriend anyways"
I can't take my head off the ground. After every confession I see her reaction and have to hide my face by resting it on my fingers. I'm smiling, but it's taking all of my mental processes just to be able to confess to her. But being put into this situation, I know that I have to confess.
...
"This crush is starting to effect me in school too."
"You don't have to come to the parties"
"I know, I just have a hard time saying no to you"
...
"And we live together" she says, agreeing to a relationship failing.
"yeah"
"What do you think we should do chicken?"
"fuck" I whisper under my breath before realizing the double entendre. freudian slip? :o
"I don't want you to do anything, different. I just want to remain friends"
...
"This conversation isn't going the way I'd imagined it"
"I don't know what to say"
"You weren't expected to. I guess I just wanted to be honest. Sorry for putting this on you"
"I just wanted to get this off my chest"... (and I did it in the least romantic fashion possible -_-)
...
"I'm sorry"
"If I leave now, will you be able to get back to your work?" I ask hoping for an exit.
"Yeah, sure"
I leave... but have to apologize again right before heading to my room.
... that was it. Over the next few weeks, I started to get my mind of Jan and onto another girl. The closure left me feeling a bit conflicted. Happy that I'd finally said something and found closure, happy that I had more time, but sad of all the things I'd lost. During the entire conversation I don't mention that I feel jealous and angry about seeing her with other guys.
Current situation: Jan is now dating another guy, Runner. He seems like a great guy, who'll be working part time next year and possibly declaring a major. They've been together for a while now.
We no longer live together. Sometimes we see each other on the street or at parties.
Do I still think about her? Yes but no more than other girls.
Would I ever want her again? Nah. I was right we are completely different people.
Did she make me happy? Yes, but also conflicted...
I've taken quite a bit out of this crush. I'm a bit less scared of girls.
I found out that I'm a much larger flirt than I'd care to admit.
I've never quite reverted back to my previous internet addiction.
Most of all, I've realized that I have to be sure if I want a relationship. If I do, and I like someone, I can't just pussyfoot around. I don't think Jan ever liked me; one day I'll find someone who will
but I don't think I'll actively look for someone right now.Edit: Sometimes like right now I do regret not going for her. Curse you fickle human emotions!
