They are interesting to say the least, but I feel like you could benefit from studying various types of poetry and seeing the variety of effects you could use to make your poetry seem more powerful. Also an important aspect of poetry is crafting your words, every single word choice you make should be a calculated decision intended to reflect the diction you wish to convey. That said even if you do not wish to conform to traditional poetic style such as sonnet structure, you should take advantage of the creative freedom that poetry allows such as funky punctuation, a "poemy" style such as avoiding be-verbs. If you are going to rhyme then be certain to use a rhyme scheme or it seems simply out of place and bleh. Topic also matters so focus on topics with deep meaning and various interpretations, you don't want to be too obvious in your writing, because half the power of poetry is what the poem means to an individual, thus I find deeper more philosophical topics such as power, love, emotions etc produce both an easier to write poem and far more interesting.
Anyways that is all I could think of good luck in continuing your writing the promise is there, but you should be able to work on the delivery.
PS: I feel like I am an asshole saying this but these poems just seemed...well for lack of a better word empty. I couldn't feel any meaning or emotion in these poems they didn't force me to think or care.
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So first I will sort of explain what my style of poetry is and then answer specific queries. I also want to mention that these are not complete, as I said in the OP, so they should feel short and unfinished. They are just snippets I am toying with.
My basic style more closely aligns with the first poem. I like to describe it with a Stephen Fry quote from this video: + Show Spoiler +
"yoke impossible words together for the sound-sex of it".
Essentially, I like to write poems with words that contradict each other. I write other styles too, but a good amount are something like word paintings. I create images in my mind, and try to put them into words, since I cannot draw to save my life. A lot of my poems have imagery contradictions or impossibilities, because I like the way they sound (a subtle example in one of my poems would be the term "vanilla tree" which I used because vanilla does NOT come from trees). Although I like poems with meaning, I never write poems with meaning usually because I do not particularly like that style over beautiful imagery, and I also have no great ideas I want to put forth in poem form. I mostly just want to create some sensation through the sounds of the words, or the weirdness of the images. This isn't to say I never write with meanings in mind, but it would be rare. I might post a blog later with some of my more complete poems to use as an example.
On May 14 2011 20:13 SirJolt wrote:
I'm not at all a fan of the first, just because I felt I couldn't grasp it. I understand that might reflect more on my comprehension than on your writing, but I thought it would be worth saying. It felt as though it was constantly slipping away just before I had a chance to get a handle on it.
The second is a lot of fun; it feels genuine and unassuming, which is always pleasant. I don't know whether or not it occurred to you, but I can't help but feel as though the "blue" might have been "hue" instead, but the "blue" at the end colours the whole thing so well that it works.
Thanks for the read. The second was meant to be blue, haha. I like blue shoes, I think they are kind of funky and cool, rather than the usual black and white. Plus, I always think of that Elvis song "Don't Step on my Blue Suede Shoes".
I wouldn't say you misunderstood the first, it just happens to be a style I like, that I tried to explain up above. If you don't like it, thats cool and a normal response :-).
On May 15 2011 03:06 Chimpalimp wrote:
I really liked the first half of the first one. It seemed as you were subtly talking about a newborn, yet the last three lines really drove that away. While I realize that the first poem might not have been actually about newborns, but I feel it would provide for much more depth to the poem if it juxtaposed newborns to delicate young flowers. If you maintain the solid reference between newborn children and flowers, I feel that you can convey a deep relationship between a gardener and his delicate flowers.
The second poem just felt empty to me. It was slightly witty in your word choice, but it didn't make me feel anything. But I guess great success is built on a mountain of failures.
Keep writing, I hope you post more.
Thank you for the input. Unfortunately, it was not about newborns. If anything, I might guess that my mindset of the time was on lazy lovers on weekend morning/afternoon. I find that lovers, when not passionate, often take on caring aspects that can be similar to the way people treat their babies, so it is not a crazy impression to get from the poem.
I wouldn't call either poem a success or failure since neither are finished, but I also get that it can feel empty. No worries, and thanks for the reply.
On May 15 2011 03:13 AbstractVoid wrote:
They are interesting to say the least, but I feel like you could benefit from studying various types of poetry and seeing the variety of effects you could use to make your poetry seem more powerful. Also an important aspect of poetry is crafting your words, every single word choice you make should be a calculated decision intended to reflect the diction you wish to convey. That said even if you do not wish to conform to traditional poetic style such as sonnet structure, you should take advantage of the creative freedom that poetry allows such as funky punctuation, a "poemy" style such as avoiding be-verbs. If you are going to rhyme then be certain to use a rhyme scheme or it seems simply out of place and bleh. Topic also matters so focus on topics with deep meaning and various interpretations, you don't want to be too obvious in your writing, because half the power of poetry is what the poem means to an individual, thus I find deeper more philosophical topics such as power, love, emotions etc produce both an easier to write poem and far more interesting.
Anyways that is all I could think of good luck in continuing your writing the promise is there, but you should be able to work on the delivery.
PS: I feel like I am an asshole saying this but these poems just seemed...well for lack of a better word empty. I couldn't feel any meaning or emotion in these poems they didn't force me to think or care.
I have actually taken a few poetry classes, and I have read a lot of different poetry styles over the last few years. I realize that poetry crafting often takes the stand of every word being important, but I personally do not hold to this view. It can be the case, but I prefer the overall feeling rather than specific line by lines. Like I said in the above paragraphs, I do not try to focus on specific deep meanings, I just like the way things sound.
I am sorry that the poems felt empty to you. You do not sound like an asshole at all. They are incomplete, but even incomplete I was hoping they gave off a certain mood. The mood of the first is content and lazy, and perhaps a little irritated in the last line. The mood of the second is cocky/confident, hopeful, and attracted, desirous even.
If you couldn't feel the emotion, then either these aren't the poems for you, or I failed in my conveying them. I would guess that both are true, and so I do need to work on conveying those notions better. I am hoping it is a product of their shortness (I prefer medium to long poems, even if medium is something like 3-5 stanzas, so 1 stanza is not much for me), but it could just be me. Thanks for reading!
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EPT
