EPT***Needs a tonne of work. NOT FINISHED, Read at your own risk.***
So...
Zane and Tenille who I've known since high school are currently living in Fernie and working at the ski hill. They'd been trying to get me to come down since the start of the season but due to terrible Canadian buses its an 8hr bus trip (3hr drive) from Lake Louise where I am.
My brother Todd and his wife Emma who live in Calgary decided to go down to Fernie for the long weekend so I was super stoked to go and organized to be down there. Got Sat/Sun off work and then sorted out some free lift tickets as the ski hills have deals for employees.
Wednesday night I bussed to Calgary from Lake Louise had a chill session on Thursday and we drove to Fernie leaving at 7:32am Friday. Wake up Friday and fall into the car where I immediately try to go back to sleep. I however notice that the thermometer in the car reads -29c and God has willed it to be a sunny fucking day so thats all up in my face.
5mins into the drive Todd and Emma are getting on each others nerves and 30mins later we have succeeded in getting coffee's (hot choc for me) and fuel and Todd and Emma aren't talking to each other. Early morning + other random shit does this to married couples on trips.
About one hour into the drive things are getting better and Todd and Emma are talking again. This is important because they first started talking to each other again about a truck container that had rolled over on the side of the road. I'll come back to that later.
As we drive along Emma is reading general facts out of a "Greater Calgary" book and pointing stuff out to us. So there was still no sleep to be had and frankly i'd written it off as a bad morning at this point. The information however proved quite interesting as we passed through a valley where half a mountain had fallen away. They had been mining for coal and the indigenous people had warned them the mountain was unstable but they didnt think too much on it. During the night the mountain face collapsed and killed 77 people in the village below. The road to Fernie goes directly through the valley and there is rock debris the size of houses EVERYWHERE!
Thirty minutes later we are driving past a no named town on the way to Fernie and Todd starts freaking out. The car has no engine power and is slowing down to a crawl. He snail our way into the town only to find out there is no service station and we need to drive five minutes up the road.
Thankfully the car had gotten itself together somewhat and we preceded to drive at a leisurely 30km/hr to Sparwood. We pull into the Kal Tire and I sit in the car as Todd and Emma go inside. Ten minutes later they are taking the car into the shop and I'm now sitting on a reasonably comfortable chair trying to keep things positive in an otherwise gloomy atmosphere.
Some backstory...
Todd's work is three minutes from where he lives. Emm'as work is one hour in traffic but only about 40km's so she normally drops Todd at work and continues on her way. The car gets a tonne of mileage due to this. Due this the car was about 800km over its service mileage. Also the car is leased.
...
After thirty minutes of tinkering the mechanics believe that the air filter is heavily clogged and if they replace it everything should be hunky-dory. They order one from an hour away as they dont have any Subaru parts. The catch is we have to get to the shop.
They clean out our air filter as much as possible and show Todd how to install the new one. Once they start the car the whole place is filled with smoke. "Doesn't look like it was the filter" frowns the receptionist as Emma and I look at the smoke through the windows.
Turns out it was the turbo. This needs to be replaced before the car can go anywhere. The car needs to be towed back to the Subaru dealer in Calgary where everything should be under warranty. At this point we are in practically the middle of nowhere with no car and no way to get to Fernie or even back to Calgary.
Zane comes to the rescue borrowing a car from his housemate when he gets off work so we just waited for two hours at the Kal Tire after a somber Chinese meal across the road. Todd was originally going to go back to Calgary with the tow truck but as the car is 4WD it needs a full tray when being towed. This meant that it couldnt be towed until the next day and another whole set of issues that got dealt with.
Halfway between Fernie and Sparwood we realise that the garage door opener and the only way back into the house in Calgary is still in the car T_T. After our jaunt back to Sparwood we finally arrive in Fernie around 4:30pm. Todd and Emma check into their hotel which is pretty nice and 20m from the ski lifts. Then Tenille finishes work and we all go out for some much needed beers.
I'll skip most of the play by play in Fernie and just hit you with the highlights.
Day 1 (Friday) car mishap arrive in Fernie late so no skiiing. T&E stay in hotel I stay with Z&T.
Day 2 (Saturday) Skiing with T&E, Todd starts feeling really sick around lunch. Emma and I keep skiiing till around three then check in with Todd. He has a massive fever and a cold. T&Z want to go out to dinner so me and Emma go with them to the local Japanese. Arrive at Japanese around 6:30pm it is packed and one hour wait. You can't make reservations at this place either wtfmate. Walk 40m up the road to the first place we come across which is a organic food market that does dinners as well. Food is unreal I had a steak. Best meal I've ever had in Canada. Get a soup to go for Todd. I'm feeling a bit sick as well by now coughing + runny nose. Emma and I get a cab back via the drugstore. T&Z go to the local hockey playoffs I have an early night.
Day 3 (Sunday) Get to the hill early and me and Emma get in 3-4 runs before she has to get ready to go back to Calgary. I help T&E with bags etc to get down to the airport shuttle ($127pp) that they are taking back to Calgary. Todd is still massively sick I'm not too bad though but still taking meds. Ski for the rest of the day get home to find that Adam and girlfriend (could never remember her name for some reason A&gf live with T&Z btw I'm sleeping on a pullout couch) have had vomiting and diarrhea and Tenille has had an upset stomach.
At this point I look at buses to find out only ones back to Calgary leave at 1:30am so I decide not to go back to Lake Louise for my training Mon-Wed. Also it has been snowing like a motherfucker and is fore-casted to snow for the next week! Which also plays a significant part in me deciding to stay for longer. Snow = Good btw
So Todd had a pretty terrible weekend. I made a big effort to ski with Emma and help her as much as possible. So she at least had a good time when she was on the hill.
I have to be back in Lake Louise by Saturday as I'm working that day. So Mon-Wed I just ski'd all day in powder snow. As T&Z both work in two different on mountain cafeterias we could get free food at the hill which was a bonus (food at ski hills is crazy expensive, like $7 for a cheeseburger). Ski'd with T&Z Monday until Zane started feeling sick. That night everyone was sick at the apartment except Tenille.
Tuesday Ski'd all day with Tenille who is actually an awesome skier. Easily best day on skis for me. However on the very last run of the day I was bursting through some trees and was tired/sick/powder/surprised and didnt turn in time to miss a tree. Hit my hip pretty good and lay there rubbing it for a good five minutes. Then I spent the next ten looking for one of my skis that had come off in the deep powder snow. As soon as I hit the tree I said in my head "I'm done" as as it turns out you use your hips a fair bit when you ski.
Manage to ski down to the bottom on easy runs in a lot of pain and then met up with Tenille. Get back to the apartment and lie down on the floor where I stayed for the next two hours. There was a Criminal Intent marathon on so we watched fucked up cases of psychopaths and murderers all night.
Wake up the next morning and my hip is still fucking sore so start thinking about trying to get back to Calgary so that I can then get the Greyhound bus to Lake Louise. Lie in bed all morning, Zane and Adam's GF is still sick so we continue to watch the Criminal Intent marathon. Around 2pm I decide that the 130am greyhound is bullshit and I'm not spending $60 on something that leaves at 1:30am. Also it arrives at 6:35am on the other side of town and would be extremely problematic for T&E to pick me up. Especially on a weekday when they are working. This leads me to look up all the ways out of Fernie.
Besides the $127 airport shuttle that is even further than the greyhound depot from T&E the only other option is to charter a limo...It's at this point that I decide to try and hitchhike back to Calgary.
I get started on by far the most important item of any hitchhiker going a long way. My sign. Rummaging through the recycling that they have yet to put out I find a beer carton. Perfect. Even more perfect the brand is "Lucky" lager. In big block letters I write CALGARY and below in slightly smaller script "Will pay for fuel". I show my sign to Zane and Adam's GF for appraisal, they laugh but tell me to bold the second part. After some hasty bolding the sign is ready to go.
My plan is to try and be outside around 3:00pm so I can get people travelling back to Calgary from the ski hill which closes at 4:00pm. So I gather my things and say my goodbyes to Zane and Adam's GF. Didnt get to say goodbye to Tenille as she was at work but I figured my chances of actually getting a lift all the way to Calgary were pretty low.
It was about -15 outside and starting to get windy at this point. Still snowing as it had been since Saturday. I am dressed in all my ski gear as if I'm going up the hill with my backpack and ski boots over one shoulder and ski's on the other. Ski poles in hand and "lucky" sign in my mouth.
I stand across the road from the apartment in sight of Zane who diligently watches that I don't freeze to death or get run over by a snow plow. Dump all my stuff and hold out my sign with a smile. Amazingly within five minutes a car doubles back and pulls off the main road as he honks his horn and points at me.
I was blown away by this. The chances of this happening had to be minuscule. The car was not a car at all but a truck. They don't really have them in Australia though, just google Ford F150 and you get a pretty close representation. Just know it was a fucking big truck.
Out step's a 5'10 man dressed in black jeans and flannel boasting a hefty mustache and a truckers cap. After I look at him stunned for a few seconds (not really at his appearance just mainly that he was actually giving me a lift) he offers his hand and says "Hi, I'm Brad".
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Also it should be noted that I have a dirty beard and long hair and my ski gear consists of black pants, black jacket, black beanie and black leather shoes. So it can be difficult to get someone to pick me up at times. I've hitched the 15mins back from Lake Louise ski hill to the lodge(motel) where I'm living
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My hand leaves his firm grip and we both move around to the back of the car where he opens a window for me to chuck my gear into the tray. The tray is pretty empty except for a large plastic tub. I lock the rear window of the tray (its a covered tray) and hop up into the passenger side. Inside the car is a bunch of thermoses an ipod playing some music and a device plugged into the cigarette lighter. I then see a bunch of bags and assorted knick nacks in the back.
Zane sends me a message "Have a nice trip man. that was quick"
Brad "I'm stoppin up here real quick to get a sandwich if your hungry"
Me "Sounds good I wouldn't mind something"
I'd just eaten but was trying to be as nice as possible to this stranger who was giving me a lift.
Brad "Not much good food between here and Lethbridge"
I have nfi where Lethbridge or how to properly spell it, just that it's not where I'm going.
Jake "O so is that past Calgary?"
Thinking to myself why the fuck did he pick me up if he isn't going to Calgary?
Brad "Yeah out west, I can get you most of the way though. Theres that highway turn off that goes to Calgary. Plenty of traffic on it"
Brad is pretty nonchalant about this, I however just went "o fuck". But then I don't know if I can even get a ride to Calgary so this seems like a pretty good idea after five seconds of thought.
It's at this point I should note the ACTUAL most important item for a hitchhiker going a long way. A fucking map.
We pull into a narrow street and park outside the organic food market I'd eaten at previously. The truck is pretty wide so he parks up beside where all the snow has been plowed. I get out and I'm in snow up to my knees. Wet socks ftl.
He orders up a toasted cheese sandwich to go, no salad.
Me "I can get that for you" as I pull out my wallet.
I don't actually have any cash at all (idiot) so I can't actually pay for the advertised fuel except on my credit card. This seems like a good way to get some good will and pay my way.
Brad "You sure?"
Me "Yeah"
Brad "Cool"
I message Zane "He van take me half this could be interesting lol"
Brad "I'll get some of that chocolate cake as well"
He points to the delicious looking cake in front of us. Half of me is thinking "Motherfu..." whilst the other half is remembering how good desert was the other night here and that that cake does look pretty damn good.
Me "I'll have a piece as well please"
A minute passes.
Waitress "Anything to drink?"
Me "No thanks" I had a bottle of water in my bag
Brad "Yeah, ahh double Americano"
Me in my head "Motherfu..."
So the waitress tallies up the bill now with cake and Americano
Waitress "$28.10 please"
Me in my head "o.0"
So I pay the bill and write it off as travel expenses. As I get into the truck I hear the beep of a fresh message.
Zane "Shit man. Where's half way?? I got a picture of the van, got you covered. Let me know how you go"
We drive out of Fernie in silence as Brad consumes his toasted cheese sandwich that smells intoxicating. I think to myself "Van?"
t's a good thing Brad has a big truck as the road is covered with snow and there is no sign of it letting up anytime soon. Furthermore he doesn't like to drive any slower than 10km/hr over the speed limit. Even when we are on icy roads with 20m plus cliffs at times. His iPod is on shuffle and the musics ranges from heavy trance to Canadian folk tunes.
We've been in the car about fifteen minutes and I can't help wondering what this strange device with lights and nobs hooked up to the cigarette lighter is. He had pulled it out and placed it carefully in the glove compartment when we had got out for food then set it back up when we started again.
Me "What's that?" pointing at the device
Brad "What?" Looking down the road in the direction of my point
Me "That!" I move my finger 1cm from the device
Brad "Those are ties to keep my bonnet down when I drive fast" still looking outside.
sigh
Me "No this" finger on top of device pointing down
Brad "Ohhh sorry, yeah thats a police scanner"
Me "Ah ok"
My brain "o.0 shit just got real"
Me "What's it for?"
Brad "Mainly just lets me know where patrol cars are when I'm speeding"
Me "Cool"
My brain "mainly..."
It's around this point I notice that I'm starting to sweat as I'm now in a heated car wearing shoes, snow socks, long johns, thermal leggings, ski pants, long sleeve tshirt, wool jumper, ski jacket, beanie. I had already taken off my ski mask when I got in as that was a bit over the top. After careful consideration I decide to remove the beanie and keep the rest on opening the air vents on my ski pants and jacket.
Just in case he tries to stab me with something the clothes will come in handy.
So we continue our assualt through the mountains overtaking snow plows and the like. In this time I try to avoid awkward silences with polite conversation. Brad is apparently an electrician from a town to the west thats going to see friends in Lethbridge. This explains all the luggage in the back seat. I rearrange myself so that I have clear space around my legs and arms. I also refrain from looking out my window so I can keep a close eye on Brad.
Me "How long does it take you to get to Lethbridge?"
Brad "Only about six hours"
Me "That's not too bad"
...
Brad "You smoke?"
Me "No but two of my best friends do so go nuts"
Brad nods and opens the window. Sweet sweet cold air rushes into the car encompassing my body. I don't think I've ever been so happy for someone to start smoking as by now I'm sweating bullets.
All too soon though Brad finishes his cigarette and the window is back up. The heater is turned up to full and Brad takes off his jacket revealing a heavily tattooed upper body.
I sneak a quick glance and none of the tattoos are too alarming. Just your common skulls, jaguars and pin-up girls for the most part. All of a similar mid range quality. I'd give his tattoo artist a B-B+ for this workmanship.
The drive continues and after about an hour we are back in the valley where the mountain had collapsed. The skies are starting to clear and the roads are in a lot better condition. Even though Brad has been speeding as much as possible with the heavy snow and traffic it was still slow going through the mountain passes.
However as soon as we get out of the valley I notice the wind. Whilst we are still in the mountains everything is opening up and the plains below us are within view. Over every hilltop is a white wave where the wind is blowing snow off the faces of the hill. We come around a corner and before me is a town in chaos.
t has just snowed for the past five days in record amounts. Now the skies have clear but with the blue skies is a fierce wind. Snow is blowing everywhere. The roofs of the houses and building all have miniature tornadoes of white mist rising up from them. Visibility is down to about 20m. Apparently we had been driving next to a small ridge line shielding us from the worst of it.
Brad "I need some fuel, want anything?"
Me "I'm good"
My Brain "I hope he doesnt want money for fuel after that $28 sandwich"
We pull into the local service station and Brad opens his door.Holy fucking shit its windy. He cracks his door open a few centimeters and it flies open recoiling back from the sudden impact. Brad shouts "Fuck me" but I can hardly hear him over the roar of the wind. He grabs his jacket then uses both hands to shut the door from the outside.
My Brain "He seems alright?"
My Brain "Yeah"
I hear some crackling and look to see shards of mirror from the driver side mirror flying away. The mirror had previously come into some mishap or another and was now taped up pretty good. Not quite good enough to withstand the wind apparently. It now had about half the glass missing where before 3/4 was still available. The passenger side mirror had no mirror at all left so in comparison the driver side mirror was fairing pretty well.
My Brain "Wonder whats in the back seat?"
My Brain "Word"
So I look to see if Brad can see me, for some reason it feels wrong for me to be checking out his shit while he is out of the car. The fuel nozzle is on auto pump and Brad is out of sight. Presumably gone inside to get out of the wind. Hopefully the wind doesnt dislodge the hose...
I take off my seatbelt and turn around. BANG! BANG! BANG! I nearly jump out of my skin. Brad is at the window hugging his jacket closed and pointing inside the car. I quickly jump back into my skin and realise he is pointing at the police scanner. I point at the glove box and he nods. I put the box away and buckle my belt back up and stare straight ahead.
It takes a fair while for the car to fill up and in that time I witness an extremely fat lady get out of her car and then be blown over into a pile of snow. I laugh my fucking ass off. Brad gets back into the car and again the wind blasts me in the face.
Brad "Check this guy out" pointing across the road
There is a man shoveling snow out of a banks entranceway. Every time he threw the snow at least double blows back to replace it in seconds.
Me "He's got heart"
Brad "Most idiots do"
We both laugh as we drive out of the service station. I then spot the fat lady now covered in snow and point her out to Brad. You can just hear the wind over our laughter as we pull out of town.
Soon after the service station we are getting down to the plains that surround Calgary and much of Canada's interior. The wind has died down considerably but all the of the wind turbines that dot the horizon are still turned out of the wind. After I shared a laugh with Brad I was feeling a lot better about the whole situation. I even glanced a few times out my window leaving my back and neck exposed to possible knife attacks.
The view was incredible, the plains slowly ascend into the mountains and as you come down out of the valleys you have a clear view to the horizon. Pure blue skies overhead and a blistering sun lighting up the landscape. Ahead I see a long line of thirty or more cars crawling along. Brad winds his window down and then precedes to climb half way out of it. I'm not sure whether his feat can even reach the pedals and the row of traffic is fast approaching. As someone who has driven quite a bit I do that thing where you push down really hard on where the break would be if you driving.
Brad "Fucking hell" he slithers back inside and puts the window up.
Me "What is it?"
Brad "It's a fucking house on wheels!"
Me "I hate old people in RV's that drive like snails"
Brad "No! A fucking house! It's on the back of a truck"
Me "Oh shit"
Funnily enough I have sat behind the odd house in my time and you just keep praying it will pull off the road at any and every exit. Brad now starts rummaging around the interior looking for something. Meanwhile we are cruising one metre behind the car in front of us. I look at Brad then back to the car in front of us then back to Brad. This goes on for about three minutes. If I had nails I would be biting them. Brad finally finds a resealable plastic bag filled with presumably weed from wedged between his seat and the center console.
Brad "Wanna smoke?" holds up the bag
Me "Sure"
Hindsight "Jake what the fuck were you thinking"
Me " "
Hindsight "Exactly"
Brad starts collecting the various materials needed for a joint from around the car. All the while still right up the ass of the car in front of us. We are only doing about forty but still. Brad has set out all the materials on the center console and uses both hands to create the joint. A crash is imminent.
Me "I'll hold the wheel" as I reach over and grab the wheel
Brad who is fully facing the joint construction site turns his head back to the wheel "O right" and then turns right back to the joint.
It is right at this point that the house pulls off into a side lane.
Me "Sweet the house is letting us pass"
Brad looks up "About time that dickhead pulled over. There must be sixty cars piled up behind it" then back to chopping up the weed.
So the line of cars are accelerating back up to 100km/hr. I am steering with my left arm reaching across the wide truck. Brad is controlling the speed whilst predominantly concentrating on creating the perfect joint. He looks up every five seconds or so and accelerates a bit more. I assume Brad is just keeping speed with the car in front using his peripheral vision but the is a pretty big assumption. The term tailgating obviously didn't mean much to Brad either.
Brad "Done!"
My brain "Thank fucking Christ" 10% that the joint was ready and 90% that Brad was taking back the wheel.
Brad holds the joint in between his lips with one hand and the lighter with the other, using his elbows to steer. Still managing to overtake the car we'd been sitting behind for the last ten minutes whilst doing so. Brad is unsuccessfully trying to get the lighter to...light. Several minutes goes by of cursing followed by fiddling with the lighter. Every tch tch with no flame is like a blow to the gut. Eventually Brad gives up, in disgust he launches the game wrecker somewhere into the dark abyss of the back seat (windows must be triple glazed at least). I follow its trajectory with "Oh no..." written all over my face.
Brad "How many billion of those things do they make. You'd think they could get the fucking things to work half of the time"
Me "Do you have anything else?" I was game to try rubbing two sticks together at this point.
Brad "Don't think so, but have a look around"
I oblige and begin sifting through the debris around my feet. Fast food wrappers were the main stay of the passenger seat rubbish population. The rest of it was made up of odd bits of electrical wiring/components. My hands were definitely much dirtier but I was no closer to a joint igniting mechanism. The only thing in the glove box was the scanner it was actually oddly clean in comparison with the rest of the car. After giving up I just stared at Brad was searching every crevice on his side of the car. He puts his hand into his jacket pocket and smiles.
Brad "Fucking A" (or Eh, maybe Ahe. One of them)
He produces a casino set of matches. The kind that are more paper than wood and come in a flip book rather than a box. He opens it up and I can see that there aren't that many matches left.
Brad "Grab the wheel would ya"
Me "No problem" I reach across and grab the wheel. Then stare at Brad as he sets up to strike the match. There could have been a brick wall across the highway and we both would have been oblivious.
Brad strikes the match and on his first try the aromatic perfume of phosphorus fills the car. I silently fist pump so as not to blow out the match with any outbursts of joy. Brad successfully lights the joint and takes a long drag followed by a quick inspection of his masterpiece to ensure its burning adequately. He passes it across to me and I exhale as much of the air in my lungs as possible before taking the first hit.
Rest coming soon...ish
Anyways, living in Lake Louise must be dope! It's great there.
