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Hi TL. Strange thing to do this here but i hope i can find sober help.
I was seriously with a woman for 5 years. We have wonderful time together. We are serious, and always planned about marriage, house, and kids. She is 3 years older than me, at 30, so more eager about marriage, but I told her to wait just a bit because i want to be prepared for it and give her the comfort in life that a wonderful woman like her deserves. Last year there were lot of problems on my side, family, business, work. It kind of brought us apart but I cruised it and remain strong. She was partly complaining about our relationship but I paid her only half attention as I was in deep mess myself, all the time not bothering her with my problems and at the same time assuring her. I planned to propose to her last Valentines, but 3 days prior, she wanted out. She is very decided, as she nukes every attempt i do to win her back. She is a mature woman so i dont think some advice from "experts" like play with psychology", or "make her jealous" wont work with her. But Im listening to one advice though, cut contact for 3-4 weeks and work it back from there, without dwelling on the sad past.
I wonder TL, anyone who has been in a SERIOUS and long relationship, been dumped, and was able to WIN HER BACK. how did you do it?
EDIT:
to repliers, please i feel bad enough already now.
i know its my fault. what i needed to know is from 25+ people who has been in
at least 2-3 years relationship, got dumped, and HOW THEY MANAGED TO WIN HER BACK.
other replies please keep to yourself. thanks for those encouraging me.
 
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Pay her full attention then?
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damn that sucks... i can't give u any advice because i havent been in a relationship, but nonetheless, good luck... i'm sure things will eventually work out...
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Only Advise I can give you is don'T take advise on such serious topics from people on the internet.
I wish you the best of luck!
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Blazinghand
United States25558 Posts
On March 08 2011 18:39 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
Only Advise I can give you is don'T take advise on such serious topics from people on the internet.
I wish you the best of luck!
I agree entirely with this. Internet people are notoriously bad with relationship advice.
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If she's that mature, we must assume she put enough thought into it before taking that decision, so I'd suggest just move on. Easier said than done though ;<
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On March 08 2011 18:43 Blazinghand wrote:Show nested quote +On March 08 2011 18:39 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
Only Advise I can give you is don'T take advise on such serious topics from people on the internet.
I wish you the best of luck! I agree entirely with this. Internet people are notoriously bad with relationship advice.
not really. most people IRL are notoriously bad with relationship advice...seeing as how they keep breaking up how could they give good advice! yet people online never break up, do they? therefore they're better. ^.>
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I don't think I can help... and wow 5 years is very brutal, I feel bad for you 
Let's... go to gym or something, and workout a little, that always help
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Blazinghand
United States25558 Posts
On March 08 2011 19:03 Roe wrote:
not really. most people IRL are notoriously bad with relationship advice...seeing as how they keep breaking up how could they give good advice! yet people online never break up, do they? therefore they're better. ^.>
hmm... maybe it's just that all people always break up? though that's a depressing way of looking at things. I guess the reason I suggest IRL friends is because they will have more information about the situation and know the woman better, and might be able to offer better advice in that respect.
I'd say that you need to talk to her and sort things out... I'm not really sure where you'd go from there but reestablishing contact is probably the right move. What advice is it that said not to speak with her for a month?
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I had a 2 year relationship crash and burn, not nearly as long but I can at least tell you how I got back together with my girlfriend? Totally different stories though...my girlfriend went through a similar period to you, where her mother was having health issues with cancer (again), her father passed away not too long before she and I started dating, so she was upset over that.
Eventually one night she told me that she really needed some room to get her head on straight. She was unsure what she wanted and thought it would be best if we separated. I know 2 years is nothing at our age (mid/upper 20s) but I was pretty devastated by it, I love her more than anything.
We ended up getting back together a bit later, I just let her do what she needed without me being all "WHYYYYYYYY" at her feet all the time, and eventually I sent her a text message asking if everything was going okay...which turned into like...a six hour phone conversation and it was only a week or so before she and I were back to what we were again.
Don't rush her, don't push her, and don't try the pity card. Just explain your situation and if she says "No is no" then it's time to move on...easier said than done obviously but if she's moved on, she's moved on. If she understands and may want to start rebuilding your relationship, she will let you know. Just be sure not to break your word to her, if you love her as much as it sounds like you do, you won't do that anyways.
Good luck. 
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Your fault for treating her like shit, deal with it and move on
User was banned for this post.
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On March 08 2011 20:16 Torenhire wrote:I had a 2 year relationship crash and burn, not nearly as long but I can at least tell you how I got back together with my girlfriend? Totally different stories though...my girlfriend went through a similar period to you, where her mother was having health issues with cancer (again), her father passed away not too long before she and I started dating, so she was upset over that. Eventually one night she told me that she really needed some room to get her head on straight. She was unsure what she wanted and thought it would be best if we separated. I know 2 years is nothing at our age (mid/upper 20s) but I was pretty devastated by it, I love her more than anything. We ended up getting back together a bit later, I just let her do what she needed without me being all "WHYYYYYYYY" at her feet all the time, and eventually I sent her a text message asking if everything was going okay...which turned into like...a six hour phone conversation and it was only a week or so before she and I were back to what we were again. Don't rush her, don't push her, and don't try the pity card. Just explain your situation and if she says "No is no" then it's time to move on...easier said than done obviously but if she's moved on, she's moved on. If she understands and may want to start rebuilding your relationship, she will let you know. Just be sure not to break your word to her, if you love her as much as it sounds like you do, you won't do that anyways. Good luck.
thanks. somehow i feel slightly hopeful
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Let her be. After a few weeks, call her and ask her out on a date or a get together and be mature. Don't be bitter and resentful for whatever reason. But don't be try-hard, that will turn her off big time. Just act like you did before with her, when you first started dating and when things were rock solid.
I was in a 4 year relationship. I never got her back, but that's because I really fucked up. If I didn't sleep with another girl after we broke up, we would have been fine. Oh well, you live and learn. I'll probably never have another serious relationship. It's been 2 years since then and I still think about her everyday. I actually dream about her, too. 2 years of no contact and I don't even talk about her to my friends or anything. Yet she still, in a way, haunts my dreams; an angel that turned into a demon.
If you don't get her back, at least make one thing for sure: let her go and get closure. Because I'm stuck with that girl, and you sound like you have the same type of personality as I do when it comes to women.
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Don't try to win her back. just makes things more complicated and makes you feel worse for a longer period.
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On March 08 2011 19:13 Beyonder wrote:The question is, why did she break it off? And can these things be changed? Just be up front with her so she knows what you want, and make sure that she knows why things happened as they did and why it would be different in the future. Do not stalk her too much, it should be enough for her to know what your intensions are. If it's right, she'll come back.. if you push it too much without giving her some time to think, it will backfire and ruin your chances. Letters work awesome
Exactly this. Don't attempt to play bullshit, psychological games with her. If you want a shot at a mature, honest relationship, you need to try and win her back in a mature and honest way. None of this "playing hard to get" or "making her jealous" or "being mysterious" crap.
And the hardest part is that you need to be objective about it. If she really doesn't want to be with you anymore, then you have to eventually come to terms with that But the only way you have a shot is to be honest and mature (and apparently focus more on your relationship with her if she gives you a little hope).
Good luck
P.S.- As someone with a degree in mathematics, I had to smile at your name (Q.E.D.)
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On March 08 2011 21:22 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On March 08 2011 19:13 Beyonder wrote:The question is, why did she break it off? And can these things be changed? Just be up front with her so she knows what you want, and make sure that she knows why things happened as they did and why it would be different in the future. Do not stalk her too much, it should be enough for her to know what your intensions are. If it's right, she'll come back.. if you push it too much without giving her some time to think, it will backfire and ruin your chances. Letters work awesome Exactly this. Don't attempt to play bullshit, psychological games with her. If you want a shot at a mature, honest relationship, you need to try and win her back in a mature and honest way. None of this "playing hard to get" or "making her jealous" or "being mysterious" crap. And the hardest part is that you need to be objective about it. If she really doesn't want to be with you anymore, then you have to eventually come to terms with that But the only way you have a shot is to be honest and mature (and apparently focus more on your relationship with her if she gives you a little hope). Good luck P.S.- As someone with a degree in mathematics, I had to smile at your name (Q.E.D.)
I'll solve all of the remaining unsolved Hilbert's Problems if that bring her back to me.
Lesson to kids around here. Enjoy youth. Fuck as many women in college. Choose the beautiful ones. Hell even the not so beautiful ones but are sexy. And when you reach mid 20s, find your love AND MARRY HER IMMEDIATELY!
fuck life is a bitch.
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3861 Posts
She must have her own reasons. If she just doesn't feel that there is a future with you, despite how long you've been together, then that's her decision. But yeah, I agree, give her time to think about things and to see how things are without you in her life. If she decides that it's better this way, then that's that. But be honest with her, and good luck.
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To win her back you need 2 things to happen. Only if both of these happen then you MIGHT have a chance of getting her back.
1.) You need to change, obviously at your current state you are not what she wants/needs in her life right now.
2.) She cannot find [greater] happiness with another man.
I think what you are currently doing is on the right track, maybe even a longer break would be better.
Best of luck and keep us updated.
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Vatican City State2594 Posts
If you love someone you have to set them free.
Then after a while, try to be friends. That will be a foundation for anything that may come after. It might, but it also might not. But treating this as an adult is the best option you have of getting her back, because you are both adults. Trying to win her back immediately is showing that you don't fully understand her situation. You are being guided by your emotions which are not sufficient anymore. You need to work with your mind and do something that your heart might be telling you is wrong, and that is to maybe have one final talk with her to try to understand (preface this by saying that you are not going to plead for her to come back, you just want to better understand and know how to improve on yourself, this will in turn make you seem more mature and she might be more open to being a close friend after this, because a long relationship is a terrible thing to throw away completely), and then let her go.
Best of luck.
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On March 08 2011 19:13 Beyonder wrote:The question is, why did she break it off? And can these things be changed? Just be up front with her so she knows what you want, and make sure that she knows why things happened as they did and why it would be different in the future. Do not stalk her too much, it should be enough for her to know what your intensions are. If it's right, she'll come back.. if you push it too much without giving her some time to think, it will backfire and ruin your chances. Letters work awesome
pretty much all you can do homeslice
at 30, i doubt she wanted to hear that you wanna wait a little longer so you can get your career together. Even though most women have the same aspirations as you now, women typically don't see that as a legit reason to not get wed! That's more of a male thing... I have a lot of friends who ran into the same issue
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On March 08 2011 23:00 Murderotica wrote:
If you love someone you have to set them free.
Then after a while, try to be friends. That will be a foundation for anything that may come after. It might, but it also might not. But treating this as an adult is the best option you have of getting her back, because you are both adults. Trying to win her back immediately is showing that you don't fully understand her situation. You are being guided by your emotions which are not sufficient anymore. You need to work with your mind and do something that your heart might be telling you is wrong, and that is to maybe have one final talk with her to try to understand (preface this by saying that you are not going to plead for her to come back, you just want to better understand and know how to improve on yourself, this will in turn make you seem more mature and she might be more open to being a close friend after this, because a long relationship is a terrible thing to throw away completely), and then let her go.
Best of luck.
On March 08 2011 22:47 fearus wrote:
To win her back you need 2 things to happen. Only if both of these happen then you MIGHT have a chance of getting her back.
1.) You need to change, obviously at your current state you are not what she wants/needs in her life right now.
2.) She cannot find [greater] happiness with another man.
I think what you are currently doing is on the right track, maybe even a longer break would be better.
Best of luck and keep us updated.
to all well wishers, especially in germany, WHEN i get her back, bottomless beer party at my house. all are invited!!!
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MODS could i ask a favor, could we transfer this to General Forum, for more people to see and reply. even only for a day. 2 pages and i doubt anyone old enough has responded. just a little favor.
my heartfelt thanks
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Vatican City State2594 Posts
On March 09 2011 00:31 Q.E.D. wrote:
MODS could i ask a favor, could we transfer this to General Forum, for more people to see and reply. even only for a day. 2 pages and i doubt anyone old enough has responded. just a little favor.
my heartfelt thanks
Unfortunately this is almost quintessential blog material. I'm not speaking for the mods here but I think this belongs where it is. Age is relative. If this was your first serious relationship, you might be 'younger' (less experienced) than someone who is younger than you but had more. You have to be open to all opinions not just from people older than you/your age, because there can be value in any perspective on the situation. The best course is often the amalgamate of many opinions.
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Hey man,
My heat goes out to you. In November the girl I was planning on spending my life with had a freak out about committment and cut contact completely. Didnt hear one word until 3 days ago actually.
What did I do? I sent her a few emails here and there keeping her up on what I was doing. I sent a picture here and there of my dog. I let it be easy for her to kinda be involved in my life without having to do anything. Hopefully anyone you love is reasonable and won't act excessively stupidly. She thought about the things I said and us and at long last she finally contacted me.
We aren't back to old form. I am going to have to get lucky to get her to want to be with me like that again. But we still love each other and we still are trying to figure it out. Who knows if it will work.
If you really love her... you are going to have to set your sights on just helping her be happy first, I think. And she will come back to you if you give her the shot. But you've got to put her first until she is ready to come to terms with her feelings for you.
Best of luck!
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EPT
