Gaming is who I am.

Mind you this is a bit long, but no TL;DR here. It's just a more personal and emotional take on gaming and what it means to me as part of my life. Sometimes I feel gamers don't really go in depth on such a wonderful hobby at an emotional level, and it's something I want to do.

You know, I've been a gamer for a long time. As a wee one my mother had a Nintendo, and it was good. Apparently, at the age of 2 I attempted to imitate her playing Super Mario Brothers, and I guess it started my spree of game enjoyment because as a curious little bee I seemed to find my calling of discovery in video games.

I think I first really remember playing things like Duck Hunt. Man, that was fun, shooting little digital ducks and seeing that Dog at the end of a stage giggling. I also had a basketball game that creeped me the hell out, probably because of that whole “children hate clowns” thing where the there was a really pixellated face that would show up all too often with a terribly rendered smile that just destroyed my little brain's understanding of facial structures. I actually hid whenever that face was queued to show up, after learning when it does. Needless to say I was terrible at that game (maybe it even influenced why I don't like sports games that much).

Zelda was hard for me, even harder because it as impossible for me to learn it quickly as a small child, especially since my parents were strict on game time. Honestly I thank them for that, though. Their intention was for me to perform well in school and focus on studying so I could be smart and get a good job in the future. Besides, they still knew it was my hobby as a kid, so they still would buy me new games (when I got a new game I was excited for, they'd bend the rules just for that night).

I think I really started appreciating games on the Super Nintendo. I also expanded my knowledge of gaming, becoming familiar with a few genres, but nothing too heavy. I was still a platformer kind of kid, where I'd spend hours finishing levels and finding secrets in Donkey Kong or finally getting to Bowser in Super Mario World.

This villain actually intimidated me. Bowser was just another platform really, this guy was an actual adversary.

The 64 was my real spurt stage. Super Mario 64 was the first game I honestly 100% completed alone. It felt good finally getting that star in the annoying flying stage next to the clock world. I was never really good at flying Mario around, and I kept on finding myself missing important coins that I seemingly could not get back to. Then I finally returned to the Zelda universe with Ocarina of Time, and it was a new favorite. The depth of the adventure reeled me into a world of such amazing fantasy and it was an experience I never really felt when playing Mario or even something I didn't pick up on back on the original because I was so young.

I actually loved the story: I felt a bit sad when Saria was a sage that had to stick to her duty and leave Link as his only real friend in the forest; I was a bit disturbed along with Link at Ruto's obsession with him when they had just met along with her being a fish humanoid; the Shadow Temple felt like death to the point that I was actually a bit nervous with each new room I visited; I could feel the brotherhood between Darunia and Link when I saved the Gorons from Ganondorf's act of releasing Dodongos into their food source; I even liked Navi as a companion (despite her nagging) and it brought a tear to my eye to see her fly off when Link returned the Master Sword. These were emotions no game ever gave me before.

Sadly I was only exposed to Nintendo systems, so I never got to experience Sega's offerings and I was late to the Playstation party. But, I first got my hands on a Playstation and Final Fantasy VII, it was something completely different to me. I played Super Mario RPG and loved it on SNES; the idea of playing to improve the character in the game itself was so awesome, instead of me just getting better at the game. I loved seeing the numbers go up, because it made my performance in the next battle that much better, and I was excited for that because then it meant more story. While I did spend a lot of that time watching someone else play VII, I was so ready to just dig myself into it.

I didn't see the next part of this scene coming. I actually brooded over it for a couple days.

And yes, Aeris dying was a big moment in my gaming history because I knew how much she meant to Cloud, and her motherly demeanor was something that attracted my attention to her as a character. Aside from Cait Sith and Yuffie (didn't know about Vincent then: I always wondered who used those weapons), each character meant something to me, especially Cloud, because he was the avatar I controlled in the game. I felt like I was projected into the world through him by controlling him. It felt a bit off when I got control of Cid and Tifa back then. Cloud was also a character I could relate to, because I've always had doubts about myself that I felt I couldn't make up for, and it hinders me just like it did him. Sure I didn't really grasp these far more complex ideas at the time (I wasn't even 15) but there was something there to discover about myself years later, a discovery that started much earlier. Who knows, maybe even subconsciously all these heroes have shaped who I am.

Gaming itself sure has. I've never really understood why gaming is looked down upon. I mean, I guess understood is a bad word (I see where it comes from), but I don't feel aversion to those that think gaming is dumb or a waste of time so it's not something I say in opposition (some gamers really do screw themselves up). I mean, thanks to my parents, I understand the importance of time management, so that I will get the things done that I need to get done because they keep food coming and make sure I live comfortably. But to me, all that breaks down to is a way for me to be able to enjoy a part of myself, a part that loves to interact with a fictional world and be enamored by the mysteries within. Of course now, I have a far more developed look at it and my tastes have gained some depth. I appreciate Cloud even more now than I used to, but I don't really feel like a fan or a fanboy. I know that he is a character who is a tool for Sephiroth to use for his delusional and twisted vengence, someone who makes huge mistakes and can't bring himself to move past them out of fear of making the same mistake again. Back then he was a hero who was sad, now he has more of a motive or meaning behind what he does. So I can go back to FFVII, play it, and refresh my knowledge of the story and what made Cloud a character that I liked and expand upon it to the point that it becomes a new experience now than it was so many years ago. Sadly the game itself feels dated because it's so easy to beat now.

This man is the reason why I want to work on games and why I'm studying Computer Science. Sadly, I may never be able to do what he does. His passion is something inspirational for me every time I think about it.

But games have shaped me. These games have shaped me in mostly positive ways. Activity makes the brain develop, especially in younger stages. I would say I am smart, and I think gaming has something to do with that, because I was always solving these unknown puzzles and reading all this text to put together the stories in my head. I was always finding the solutions on how to defeat an enemy based on what it did, recognizing patterns, and I was also training my reflexes and spatial judgment to collect items. I feel like the impact it has had on my brain was great. I still feel this sort of empowerment, but only from one game anymore. Starcraft. It's competition and depth makes sure that the things I must overcome are not recycled like the games of old. And even in the single player world, new puzzles are recycled from old ones that I solved years ago but with new coats of paint and maybe even simplified because people can't stand not having the ability to do something. That is a big reason that only really hard games or really story-based games interest me anymore.

Games made me competitive to strive to be good at what I do. Games have inspired me to become a software engineer because I always wanted to make a video game to express the stories I want to tell that I don't feel I can tell through any other medium. Through that I have come to appreciate programming and software designers in numerous fields, and I study to learn how to be a better programmer. Games also developed my dedication to what I love to do, because I would dedicate myself to these games I love. And even, in some indirect way, games have shaped my responsibility, because my parents had their best interests for my growth. If not for games in this day and age, I feel I would live an inferior life, and I still have a path that I'm not even a quarter of the way through yet to reach the goals that I've set for myself.

I hope one day games aren't just considered waste, so that people can remember that there are good and bad things to everything out there.

Gaming is who I am.

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