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Hi TL
I'm really depressed right now.
I just came back from college. I just failed my final exam, I have lost the year for the 4th time!!!!!
This will be a really long post. But I have to spit it out. Someone else have to know. I just can't do this alone anymore.
Also sorry, english is not my first language, not even the second. Excuse my mistakes plz. If you read all of this I'll be very grateful.
I'm studying At USFX's Medical School.
I don't know how universities work in the rest of the world but I will explain how it works here.
Bolivian Universitys grade out of 100 percent with a passing grade of 50 percent. Also Medical School takes 6 years to complete. You can't choose any of your classes, Every year there is a fixed amount of classes that are given to you. If you fail at 3 of them, you have to repeat the whole year.
So the story is I have failed to pass the 3rd year for the 4th time in a row. I'm hating myself for this, the thing that pisses me the most is that it's not even difficult to pass this thing. Education in Bolivia is mediocre to say the most. Every student here just thinks on getting 51 points to pass the year. Even in the medical school where the future doctors will be working with ppl lives, there are some 6th year students that don't know shit and will get their M.D. this year. They just want to get the M.D. because doctors win a lot of money and Bolivia is a very poor country.
So... if it's so easy why did I failed the year? FOUR TIMES!!!!!
While I'm not dumb, I AM STUPID. I don't know if that makes sense in your language/country but in Bolivia those words have different meaning.
I consider myself intelligent, I have the kind of intelligence that lets me learn everything at a fast rate with ease. But I'm stupid because every time I have to take a life changing decision I FAIL REALLY HARD.
I lost the first 3 of 4 years because I got every addiction that is know in Bolivia. I spend a whole year just playing on outlaw Casinos losing the money of my family, and they don't have too much money left. After that I got into drugs, I live in Bolivia so you can imagine how hard addicted to cocaine I was and how much trouble this caused to, once again, my family. I left college to get into rehab, It was the most terrible time in my life. But I didn't really care, I was.... "living the moment", "enjoying life" Was I really enjoying life? I'm not sure know.
I gave the college a 3rd shot, but then alcohol came knocking on my door. Long story short: ALCOHOLIC, also I got in drugs again. Peyote, Salvia, Mushrooms, LSD.... you name it!!! I won't even talk about women because... well I will just say that I'm grateful I didn't get an STD.
This was the life I've always wanted. I had everything. But I felt like shit, couldn't handle it anymore. I was getting older and my friends(I mean the good ones) were already finishing college. I haven't made anything useful with my life. None of my real dreams was accomplished. I didn't learn music, I didn't make it to National Volleyball Team(I could have) I didn't write my book (always wanted to be a writer) I didn't find the cure for.... nothing. And I'm sure I won't be winning the Nobel prize(everlasting childhood dream)
I decided enough was enough. I was going to study really hard, I was decided to be the best student ever. I would made my family proud. And now with tears in my eyes I say ... I FAILED AGAIN!!!! I COULDN'T make it.
I got overconfident, without the drugs or the alcohol this was goin to be a peace of cake. But NO. My doctors pressured me because they knew I was a good student before I left college. But I couldn't handle the presure. I didn't even faced their challenges, the moment they pressured me I quit and never show up in class again (was ashamed of quiting), and that was it. I quitted 2 classes because I was afraid to fail the doctors. I bet they didn't give a shit. They just wanted to show me the way to be a great doctor. I was afraid, I really don't know why. Today I failed my 3rd class and lost the year. I totally suck at life and I just can think of my family.
I have been clean for the past 8 months. I still drink alcohol every now and then but it's totally under control. Oh you should have seen my mother's face. You could see the hope in her eyes, she suffered sooooo much during the hard times I brought to this family. I don't know how I will tell her I FAILED!!!
I failed just because I was weak. I couldn't face life anymore. I remember reading TL blogs and laugh at the "pussies" that were complaining life was hard and girls didn't love them. I had been trough "REAL" problems and survived. I was some really tough dude.
I WAS WRONG. I was just a kid playing to be man, playing to be the gangsta. Getting into trouble and then running back to mommy or brothers to fix it. I was no baller. I was a pretender. I took the easy ride to pleasure. And know I have nothing. I have no real life skills. I feel I'm useful. If I'm not drugged or drunk I just can't face real life problems. Can't handle pressure anymore. I'm back here to TL blog to ask for support and advice. I'm the pussy now. The lamest one.
I'm 23 years old now, there are 4 years left on medical school and 3 to 5 more years after that to get the "specialization" (Don't know the word in English) I'll be getting out of college by the age of 30. That's horrible. I feel like I closed my eyes when I was 19 and suddenly, I open my eyes and now I am 4 years older having accomplished absolutely nothing, having lost my confidence, my life skills and my will to keep on living. Suicide won't work, that would surely devastate my family and they don't deserve it. They have always done everything for me. They sacrificed everything to give me better chances in life. Look what I have done with their sacrifice. I have smashed their hopes. I just don't give a fuck about myself anymore. But they do. Don't want to crush their hearts.
I need you guys. I can't do this alone and I don't want to take this on my family anymore. I don't know what to do. Maybe my mother won't live to see me becoming a doctor. She's 62 already. I want to give them something back. I want to be someone. Do something useful. I want them to be proud of me. That would make them happy. Watching me been successful. That will make them happy. But i think I can't do it anymore. I need some advice and help.
How can I man up? How can I get back to normal again? Did I mention I'm socially inept now? I don't even know what the right questions are right now!!!!! I just want this 4 years back. Want to take the most out of the forthcoming years. But is easier said than done.
Wow, its longer than I thought. I hope those of you who read it can give me some words to help me.
 
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Sorry to hear that...I imagine the stress is unbearable.
First, get your shit together. No more drugs or alcohol.
Second, have a plan. How are you going to pass your third year at your next try?
Third, don't get down on yourself. If you're all pissed at yourself you're not going to succeed.
So, take a deep breath (or many), decide how it is you're going to pull your life together, and then do it.
Everyone has shitty stuff happen in their lives. How you deal with it is important.
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Write a book.
You always wanted to be a writer and holy shit do you have a lot to tell people.
If you really can't go through the rest of med school, getting a book published is one hell of an accomplishment.
OR you could settle for a lesser degree if school is just a time issue?
Lots of people here can give suggestions, but really it comes down to what YOU want to do and where YOU want to be. That IS what your parents wanted.
Edit: and seriously good luck buddy. It takes a real man to clean up like you did.
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Well without being a clinical psychologist, which you could use btw, it seems its either one of two things, either the pressure is so much that you rebel and head into spirals which give you excuses to fail or you dont want to be a doctor and are subtly sabotaging yourself. Before you come back with "no i really want to be a doctor since birth etc etc" excuse you really have to sit and think why, when you clearly have an addictive personality you go out of your way to sabotage your life. You do need some form of counseling other than here, we can give you friendly advice but you need to hash this out with someone trained in cbt or addiction therapy.
Another thing of note which i got from your diatribe is that you also seem to be sufferring from something i see alot, "middle class syndrome" where you get to a point in your life where you have it all going for you and you develop the utterly unfathomable urge to ruin it, I have my own beliefs as to why this is but ive seen it enough around my friends to know two things'
a) The longer you dwell on your inability to do something the greater the inability becomes
b) You need to get some fucking perspective.
Now i know this is hard, life is hard etc etc, but personally i think you need to go and re-aquaint yourself with the real world a bit, i think you need perspective and i think you need a good honest inner dialogue. How you get this is by taking some time off, whats a year in the grand scheme of things? And you need to get this out of your system and come back with a fresh perspective about whether being a doctor is something you want to do and if it is do you have the drive to do it?. During that year its imperative you shift the focus OFF of your own problems and ONTO someone elses, volunteer, join programmes and give your time to others, stop being so self absorbed and get an insight into the lives of people who dont have the options you have and likely never will
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Suggestions is what I really want. Failing, the only time I gave a real shot at it, is something that really blown me. I just can't get my shit together. Don't know how to tell my parents about this. Don't know what options I have. I came here hoping that some of the suggestions given to me will trigger some "A ha" moment.
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An important question to ask yourself is, are you studying medicine because you want to make your parents proud, or do you want it for yourself? Medicine isn't exactly something anyone can do. You either need to be a nerd, or you need to be passionate about it in order to do well. If you are only doing it to make your parents proud, then you are making the wrong decision. Your parents will be proud no matter what profession you choose. The thing that makes them happy the most is you finding a profession that you are passionate about. If medicine is something you want to do, then realize your weaknesses and compensate for them. If it takes you two hours of studying to learn the same thing as other people studying for one hour, then you should study 3 hours. That's the only way to make yourself better than others.
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On December 11 2010 05:47 Frack wrote:
Well without being a clinical psychologist, which you could use btw, it seems its either one of two things, either the pressure is so much that you rebel and head into spirals which give you excuses to fail or you dont want to be a doctor and are subtly sabotaging yourself. Before you come back with "no i really want to be a doctor since birth etc etc" excuse you really have to sit and think why, when you clearly have an addictive personality you go out of your way to sabotage your life. You do need some form of counseling other than here, we can give you friendly advice but you need to hash this out with someone trained in cbt or addiction therapy.
Another thing of note which i got from your diatribe is that you also seem to be sufferring from something i see alot, "middle class syndrome" where you get to a point in your life where you have it all going for you and you develop the utterly unfathomable urge to ruin it, I have my own beliefs as to why this is but ive seen it enough around my friends to know two things'
a) The longer you dwell on your inability to do something the greater the inability becomes
b) You need to get some fucking perspective.
Now i know this is hard, life is hard etc etc, but personally i think you need to go and re-aquaint yourself with the real world a bit, i think you need perspective and i think you need a good honest inner dialogue. How you get this is by taking some time off, whats a year in the grand scheme of things? And you need to get this out of your system and come back with a fresh perspective about whether being a doctor is something you want to do and if it is do you have the drive to do it?. During that year its imperative you shift the focus OFF of your own problems and ONTO someone elses, volunteer, join programmes and give your time to others, stop being so self absorbed and get an insight into the lives of people who dont have the options you have and likely never will
Wow This really hit the nail. I never though about this and it makes sense in all ways. I think I really need to see a professional. Problem is I'll probably find someone better qualified on TL than here. This city really sux. Can you tell me a book or something to learn more about middle class syndrome?
And it was 4 years not one, thats what beats me the most.
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Motivation !!! do this for yourself, don't fucking do this for your mother, if you are afraid your mom won't live to see you graduate, then learn how to keep her alive longer, but not because you want her to live longer, but because your self fish reason of wanting her to live long enough to see you graduate and become a doctor, find a reason FOR YOURSELF. fuck everyone else, fuck what I think, fuck who your mom think, fuck what your professors think, you live your life for yourself and no one else.
What are you looking for by posting this? NEVER do something someone else or society think you should do. You are lost because you have no motivation to get shits done.
PS it is not worth it to become a doctor because of money. You should only become a doctor because you wanna ease people's suffering before they inevitably die in the end.
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On December 11 2010 05:55 Chairman Ray wrote:
An important question to ask yourself is, are you studying medicine because you want to make your parents proud, or do you want it for yourself? Medicine isn't exactly something anyone can do. You either need to be a nerd, or you need to be passionate about it in order to do well. If you are only doing it to make your parents proud, then you are making the wrong decision. Your parents will be proud no matter what profession you choose. The thing that makes them happy the most is you finding a profession that you are passionate about. If medicine is something you want to do, then realize your weaknesses and compensate for them. If it takes you two hours of studying to learn the same thing as other people studying for one hour, then you should study 3 hours. That's the only way to make yourself better than others.
I was really passionate about it but after this 4 years of stupidness I just don't care for me or what i want anymore I just want to fix the damage i made to my family and telling them i just failed another year is something that will hurt them more. Also medicine wasn't hard for me. Some deep unknown personality issues are the problem.
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You lack discipline bro. Take control of your life, your letting pleasure control you.
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On December 11 2010 05:58 rei wrote:
Motivation !!! do this for yourself, don't fucking do this for your mother, if you are afraid your mom won't live to see you graduate, then learn how to keep her alive longer, but not because you want her to live longer, but because your self fish reason of wanting her to live long enough to see you graduate and become a doctor, find a reason FOR YOURSELF. fuck everyone else, fuck what I think, fuck who your mom think, fuck what your professors think, you live your life for yourself and no one else.
What are you looking for by posting this? NEVER do something someone else or society think you should do. You are lost because you have no motivation to get shits done.
PS it is not worth it to become a doctor because of money. You should only become a doctor because you wanna ease people's suffering before they inevitably die in the end.
Well I did everything in my life just thinking on ME. And that got me here. I'am so despised of what ive become that I no longer care for what I want. I wanted to do things for someone else and didn't work either.
The thing is I would have suicide like 3 hours ago but I can't do that to my parents. They've suffered enough for me.
What I want for ME? I couldn't care less. I could be death I don't care anymore.
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see if you can change your environment, like moving to a different place [so you get the feeling of a fresh start]. Staying in the same place too long sometimes causes you to repeat your past behaviour.
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On December 11 2010 05:42 SeeDLiNg wrote:
Write a book.
You always wanted to be a writer and holy shit do you have a lot to tell people.
If you really can't go through the rest of med school, getting a book published is one hell of an accomplishment.
OR you could settle for a lesser degree if school is just a time issue?
Lots of people here can give suggestions, but really it comes down to what YOU want to do and where YOU want to be. That IS what your parents wanted.
Edit: and seriously good luck buddy. It takes a real man to clean up like you did.
As a person who writes professionally, I'm sorry but I have to say this is some horrible advice. With as much difficulty as the OP is having, you want to advise him to go into a vocation that has a success rate of 0.00000000000000001% and on top of that is the type of industry where rejections are for the majority one-liner form rejections? Yeah, that'd be a fking awesome way for him to pull out of his slump. Spend another 2 years writing a novel about himself, pour his heart and soul into it, and have a publisher either read two lines of it and say yeah, no thanks, or just not read it at all.
I'm not trying to sound bitter here, as my personal experience with writing has been very fruitful so far, but the norm for the writing industry is very very discouraging. Writers are among the most depressed people there is. You really should not be advising this guy to go into it in the mental state he's in. I'm now curious if you've ever written a book yourself, and seen what the process is like.
To the OP:
Tough times, but it seems like you have already dealt with the most difficult part of it, which is acceptance of what has happened and understanding your flaws. From here, you should put what's done behind you. Look to the future. It is fantastic you are owning up to your mistakes. Now take true responsibility for them by getting the job done. Mentally brace yourself for the reality that life is not that easy and that you can fail. After that, work very hard and don't give up. Don't drop out of classes because you are scared of some teacher. That's bs and you know it, that's why you feel bad. So just man up and get it going. And the way you man up? Think of your mother's face and ask yourself, do you care more about your fear or the heartbreak on your mother's face?
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Hey man, Calm down. I'm a doctor. Passed out in 2008 and have just cmpleted my rural obligations. Only a medico can truly know how hard med school is, esp. if its the first time you are away from home. Don' worry at 23 yrs of age you have a long and potentially illustrious life ahead of you. You are nowhere near being a failiure, so don't fool you're self into shit like that based on the results of exams.
Lemme give you an idea of the big picture. By the time you are 35, all this shit will just be like a funny dream. You will have specialised and noone will ever ask you about how your medschool went.
The disappointing thing is, though, that the standard of education seems to be abysmal where you have to score 50 to pass and noone aims higher. I don't completely believe you when you say that there is noone trying to excel because if thats true I feel you are all quite immature.
I never have agreed in the concept of a "rat-race" to become the best, BUT in our field alone I feel that something like that might be slightly justified. You may find my statements generic, but the moment you see your first REAL patient you will find yourself regretting not having put more effort into med-school. You will find yourself envying that spectacled nerd slogger who you all made fun off for studying too hard.
Take my advice and don't get depressed by exam results. Always put the big picture in front of you and study NOT for marks or academic success but for the time you treat your first patient.
A lotta my classmates also went down and its easy to get depressed and give up. But, the man who is better than EVERYONE is the guy who takes that failiure in his stride and learns his lessons. Being a medico already means that you have chosen to become one of the most focussed and responsible professionals around. Its time to prove the commitment you have to the vocation and grit your teeth and fight back.
And you will earn a lot more respect for making it thru your failures than cruising thru with ease. Believe me, when our batch passed out, it is the people who failed who still kept their chin up and made it thru that I appreciate more than our Best Outgoing Student! If you need any academic advice on how to study please PM me. But I think that s far less important than your temperement and attitude.
All the best. I'm sure you''ll make it thru the next time!!
+ Show Spoiler +Please dont take a year off imo. I know it seems like a nice thing to do. But the person who suggested it never went to med school. It is VERY difficult to come back after a year off from med school.
You DO NOT NEED a psychologist. All you need is a fresh start and determination. I am sure you have this because you have chosen this vocation. You are already part of an elite group of individuals who have decided to go thru one of the toughest social tests in civilised society which I believe is med-school. A few failiures in this are to be expected. But you will make it thru in the end. Never forget that.
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On December 11 2010 06:21 Firereaver wrote:Hey man, Calm down. I'm a doctor. Passed out in 2008 and have just cmpleted my rural obligations. Only a medico can truly know how hard med school is, esp. if its the first time you are away from home. Don' worry at 23 yrs of age you have a long and potentially illustrious life ahead of you. You are nowhere near being a failiure, so don't fool you're self into shit like that based on the results of exams. Lemme give you an idea of the big picture. By the time you are 35, all this shit will just be like a funny dream. You will have specialised and noone will ever ask you about how your medschool went. The disappointing thing is, though, that the standard of education seems to be abysmal where you have to score 50 to pass and noone aims higher. I don't completely believe you when you say that there is noone trying to excel because if thats true I feel you are all quite immature. I never have agreed in the concept of a "rat-race" to become the best, BUT in our field alone I feel that something like that might be slightly justified. You may find my statements generic, but the moment you see your first REAL patient you will find yourself regretting not having put more effort into med-school. You will find yourself envying that spectacled nerd slogger who you all made fun off for studying too hard. Take my advice and don't get depressed by exam results. Always put the big picture in front of you and study NOT for marks or academic success but for the time you treat your first patient. A lotta my classmates also went down and its easy to get depressed and give up. But, the man who is better than EVERYONE is the guy who takes that failiure in his stride and learns his lessons. Being a medico already means that you have chosen to become one of the most focussed and responsible professionals around. Its time to prove the commitment you have to the vocation and grit your teeth and fight back. And you will earn a lot more respect for making it thru your failures than cruising thru with ease. Believe me, when our batch passed out, it is the people who failed who still kept their chin up and made it thru that I appreciate more than our Best Outgoing Student! If you need any academic advice on how to study please PM me. But I think that s far less important than your temperement and attitude. All the best. I'm sure you''ll make it thru the next time!! + Show Spoiler +Please dont take a year off imo. I know it seems like a nice thing to do. But the person who suggested it never went to med school. It is VERY difficult to come back after a year off from med school.
You DO NOT NEED a psychologist. All you need is a fresh start and determination. I am sure you have this because you have chosen this vocation. You are already part of an elite group of individuals who have decided to go thru one of the toughest social tests in civilised society which I believe is med-school. A few failiures in this are to be expected. But you will make it thru in the end. Never forget that.
The person mentioning it went to Law school bro and knows people in med school who have taken a year off because they went straight down a path they were unprepared for and decided to take a year to clarify their actions.
Thanks
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On December 11 2010 05:58 rei wrote:
PS it is not worth it to become a doctor because of money. You should only become a doctor because you wanna ease people's suffering before they inevitably die in the end.
Holy shit you're a huge pessimist. Most people enjoy saving and repairing people's lives, that's why they become doctors...Not many people would become doctors ifall their patients died.....
Yes, death is part of reality , especially for doctors, and yes some might enjoy easing people's suffering, but doctors don't just make death more comfortable.... You wouldn't need tons of med school for that...
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It's never to late to pick yourself up, get the pieces in your life together and try again. Once you grow up you realize there are A LOT of people that really haven't done a lot with their life. They're like 21 even though they are close to 50. Old car, live in a rental apartment, never really have any money, counting out the days. Even though they are at that place, they can still make an effort and strive to make life a little better for themselves and the people around them. At least they won't be like the other losers in their 50s who aren't going anywhere. You sound like you're a pretty decent guy who is just unsure of what to do next. Thats an OK place to be. Beating yourself up over your past is something you'll have to come to terms with and take responsibility for. If you finish med school, even a couple of years later then usual, you're still more educated and better payed then the majority. Wanna do something for your mother? Pick yourself the up and hit the books in the library 12hrs a day. Just read and make notes about anything in your medicine program. I'm sure you can find out whats expected of you online and just sit there and read it. When you're done with your current assignment, read future ones. Show your mother that you aren't bad by taking your studies seriously. After your first week of going 12h a day you'll feel like a man that just got out of prison.
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Maybe take a step back and see if you really want to continue school?
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On December 11 2010 06:13 00Zarathustra wrote:
Well I did everything in my life just thinking on ME. And that got me here. I'am so despised of what ive become that I no longer care for what I want. I wanted to do things for someone else and didn't work either.
The thing is I would have suicide like 3 hours ago but I can't do that to my parents. They've suffered enough for me.
What I want for ME? I couldn't care less. I could be death I don't care anymore.
oh you care, you posted this blog here crying for attention because you care. This is all about what you want to do with your life, nothing more and nothing less, it is all about YOU. Not your parents, not anyone else. They can't live your life for you, you need to live your own life. What is life? college? a degree? wife ? kids? friends? money? Fame? Which one? which ever you aims for you have to get your own! No one is ganna give you any. You look back for what you shouldn't do again, not regrets, you look forward to what you think you can do to make it better, not what others would do to make it better.
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EPT
