I hate clubs - Page 3

On December 11 2010 06:28 JackMcCoy wrote:
LOCAL MAN OFFPUT BY AWKWARD SOCIAL OUTING

SANTA BARBARA—A blogger on the popular gaming website Teamliquid.net released a statement today chronicling an evening of social alienation. SpicyCrab, an avid gamer and seafood enthusiast, expressed frustration at his inability to bond with his peers at a local dance club, even going as far as to claim he hates clubs. "Great! I'll just hit this squirrel and swerve in to the divider and die and then I won't actually have to go to the club," Mr. Crab half-joked with his readers before detailing a Salinger-esque sequence of events punctuated by the author’s overwhelming ennui.

“I’m not sure why he didn’t just buy a beer,” bartender Ed Warren wondered. “Those Asian Orgasms are pretty expensive, they’re more marketed towards the Sex and the City crowd. I think that was the first time I’ve seen a guy order one, never mind three.” Warren claims he told Crab about the $2 domestic beer deal the club was running, but Crab simply nodded vacantly. “He coulda just said he didn’t hear me, I know it gets loud in here sometimes,” the bartender shrugged.

Mark Prejean, a club regular, remembers SpicyCrab for a different reason. “Yeah, I used to be that guy. I used to come here and feel this unbelievable self-consciousness and I loathed it. I used to project my insecurities onto everyone around me. Now, I don’t care that I’m the 45 year old creepster. I’m comfortable enough with myself to enjoy a night out every once in a while.”

Candace Wilcox, a sales rep from Nebraska, found the club through Yelp and decided to check it out on her stop-over to visit her college room mate. “The scene was a little young, sure, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it that way,” she laughs. Remembering an abortive conversation attempt with SpicyCrab, she just shakes her head. “I was feeling a little flirty and he seemed nice at first, but it was really hard to hear his muttering. I know the club is loud, but come on, you’ve got a hot mama like me asking you to dance, you should go with it!” She grins and blushes slightly, “I’m kidding. But yeah, that guy seemed like he thought he was too good for us, or at least for that club, so we went to find some more outgoing guys. It turned out to be a fun night.”

SpicyCrab’s night would would only get worse, as a scuffle threatened to break out over a misunderstanding between Crab and a group of drunk guidos. “So I kind lower down on to my haunches, and gut check one of the guys with my elbow,” Crab writes, detailing the physical escalation of the situation. The guidos were unavailable for comment. “So I spent a lot of money, didn't meet any one, damaged by constitution with alcohol and then almost got in to a fight,” says Crab, encapsulating the night. Whether the evening’s sequence of events is an isolated incident or part of a larger pattern for SpicyCrab remains to be seen, but he will probably consider his next social engagement more thoroughly.

On December 11 2010 06:38 JackMcCoy wrote:
Ok, I've chosen a more statistically probable assumption.

On December 11 2010 04:08 SpicyCrab wrote:
There is an awkward dawdling 45 year old balding fat man wandering around very slowly. He's not getting laid tonight. He is my spirit guide.

Okay, now I have a drink in my hand. That makes me cool right? I might be even buy you a drink. I have money to buy things, it's all very impressive.

But of course, a club isn't a place where you meet people or talk to them. It's a place where you find a strange woman to take to the dance floor, and then grind your denim jeans against her raw skin, and grind your underwear against your denim jeans and grind your erect penis against your underwear.

But the dull monotonous tone of Lady Gaga drowns it out.

On December 11 2010 09:39 Bereft wrote:
jack mccoy is amazing! and i have doubts about the truth of this story because of this
DULL, MONOTONOUS!?