EPTis he talented? in one way, yes—the motherfucka can dance. but can he sing? no. he doesn’t even have a nice voice, it’s very whiny and breath-y. is he cute? i dunno man, chicks seem to dig him (especially IU ): how can such a cute girl fall for such a douchebag like taeyang) but i’m not really sure why. he’s 1) short (well, being short should be a plus cause short people rock but girls don’t seem to like that i dunno why *shrug*) 2) has coin slots for eyes 3) he has a humongous head. then how did he ever become so popular? the only thing left to judge him on is his stage presence. is he a good performer? he’s decent—but nothing compared to someone like oh, lets say G-dragon. wait did i just compare gd to taeyang? and did i just say gd is better than taeyang? ok, allow me to explain before i run the risk of sounding like a taeyang fanboy (in the sense that i don’t back up my claims with evidence, not in the sense that i like taeyang) and before you fangirls completely demolish me with your silly fangirl antics.
exhibit a:
compare gd to taeyang in this performance. at first glance, who’s a more noticeable figure in the group? gd is, with his trendy flashy furry eskimo hood with little fur testicles attached to them that swing side to side with every step that they’re so fun to look at and a stylish clown-print skin-tight shirt underneath his glistening leather jacket that just makes you open your mouth in awe like wow, gd is so edgy i wanna be just like him! now look at taeyang. now back to gd. now back at taeyang. now back to gd. sadly, taeyang isn’t gd, but if he stopped wearing an unoriginal military jacket with an oversized collar and regular old skinny jeans that rest below the hips and expose his boxers and high-top sneakers that so typify the douchebaggery of flushing-heads today and switched to hip and cool clothes, he could dress like he’s gd. the first point goes to gd.
now since the clothes a man wears doesn’t define who he is, lets look at each of their respective actions since actions speak louder than clothes. listen to gd rap, on 0:37. he’s so smooth wit it, he flows like the amazon fucking river and spits syllables like a motherfucking thesaurus, he doesn’t miss a single beat and stays on tempo like a metronome, and he’s not breath-y at all and in fact you can’t even tell he’s breathing, he’s like a fuckin android that’s built to rap. he definitely fulfills his vocal role in the group as a rapper. now listen to taeyang sing on 1:30. right off the bat you can notice his weasel like voice which isn’t attractive at all. bear with me here as you listen with me to this man’s subpar vocals—a second after he starts singing, he tries to hit a high note and fails for two reasons. 1) his voice isn’t high enough and 2) he’s out of breath. he sang for one second and he’s out of breath already like cmon. and don’t blame that shit on his dance cause gd is doing the same shit he’s doing and he’s not out of breath at all. and don’t blame taeyang’s lack of hitting high notes on the fact that he’s a dude, cause gd can hit those high notes like a champ and he’s the definition of a man. point number 2 goes to gd.
observe gd’s stage presence. from the start, gd establishes his presence in the performance. you hear that ‘YEAAAAAAAH’ voice in the background beginning from 0:05 onto 0:10? that’s gd. that’s 5 fucking seconds of ‘YEAAAAAAH’ ing within 6 seconds of performance time. a good start for the legendary gd. what does taeyang do in the meantime? at 0:08, he does this sissy ass jump in the air that lasts for a split second and is barely noticeable and it’s clear to see he doesn’t even have hops cause he bends his legs up so it looks like he’s getting more air. things aren’t looking good for taeyang. can he redeem himself? lets keep going. right after this, we begin to see the introduction of the performance and the group itself. it’s TOP and gd that introduce the group. gd even mentions that ‘it’s biiiiiig bang’ like he’s the fucking boss of the group. oh wait he is, he’s the leader. all taeyang can do in the meantime is flex his puny arms and try to look big even though he’s the shortest one in the group and it’s obvious that he’s trying hard to look like a boss but it doesn’t work. later on, gd introduces TOP’s raps by saying ‘I-I-I-I-IT’S TOP!’. this affirms all the more the fact that gd is the fucking boss cause a big scary looking guy like TOP has to get permission from gd before he even gets to rap. and to add to that, gd even does a cute little thing with one of his fur testicles on 2:05 right behind taeyang’s back while he’s singing. how fucking boss is that? gd doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else, he does whatever the fuck he wants. and if bobbing a testicle up and down floats his boat then so be it. man, even someone boring like seungri has more stage presence than taeyang, look at the mic flip on 2:17. the only thing taeyang flips is the mind of brainless fangirls which is ironic cause brainless fangirls don’t have minds. and finally, at 2:32, when gd raps, everyone in the group, including taeyang, cheers for him by saying ‘HEY!’. and at 4:24, who do the MCs give the trophy and flowers to? that’s right, seungri and gd. gd got the flowers. even boring old seungri got something. what did taeyang get? fuckin jack. need i say more? point 3 goes to gd. and one point goes to seungri even though he’s not part of this but you can’t deny his classiness.
what about solo performances? y’all think taeyang shines in those don’t you?
exhibit b1: taeyang solo
the famous wedding dress. to be honest with you this is a good song, i like it. but please girls, don’t use that as a plus to taeyang. cause haru haru and lies and last farewell are good songs too and guess who the fuck composed those? that’s right, the motherfucking gdragon. but i digress.
yeah, i like the song so i had very high expectations for this performance. but i was crushed when i saw his debut for this song cause it was bad. honestly, he’s a good dancer. but how good of a dancer can you be if you need 4 other guys to shadow you? real dancers go solo i’m sorry to say taeyang fangirls. and the worst thing about this perf is taeyang’s vocals. wait there’s vocals in this song? he barely sings at all—there’s more time of him not singing when he’s supposed to, than time in which he actually is singing his parts. and when he does sing, it’s really obvious that he hasn’t been singing before, and his voice comes out all bad and it’s just really painful to hear, like on 2:20. but it’s like this throughout the performance, not just this one part, to prove that i’m not cherrypicking data. and at 2:46, he’s out of breath. dude, if you find it hard to sing and dance at the same time, then don’t do it. rain and usher and other mothafuckas like that don’t have a problem with singing while dancing. ok you know what maybe i’m not being fair to taeyang. lets try another performance.
wait a minute, this performance sucks too! look at this guy’s comment on youtube, it’s one of the few youtube comments i find agreeable:
“Ahahahahahahaha. 1) vest -phail / 2) 2:31 spin -phail / 3) hat -phail (but improvised to make it look cooler xD) / 4) Zipper -phail / 5) All the ladies go crazy just cause they fucking can ROFLMFAO”
allow me to point out these failures to you. 1) he fails at putting on his vest at 1:00 but plays it off like he’s all cool but he’s not and the girls cheer for him anyways cause they think it shows that he’s human cause he makes mistakes or something like that, i dunno. 2) i don’t need to point this out to you but it’s pretty fucking hilarious lol. 3) at 3:54 the hat falls off but he flicks it away like he meant to do it and the girls cheer for him yay! 4) not sure what this is referring to but it’s probably the fact that he had a boner the entire time and it looks like it’s a zipper malfunction. the best part tho is 5:07 where he looks down at his boner and is like oh fuck i gotta fix that and then he turns around and fixes it but he tries to play it off like it’s part of the performance. 5) lol. now lets look at a gd solo perf.
exhibit b2:
at the start, you see the big ass apple on stage and you’re like wtf is that but then at 0:27 fucking it blows up and gd is in it and you’re like WTF MINDFUCKKKKK!!!! and then gd proceeds to perform but he has 4 backup dancers too like taeyang does. except the difference is that gd is fucking boss of these backup dancers, like at 0:42 how he pushes one of them to the floor and at 0:45 how he gets their dirty fanboy hands off his heavenly body. and notice his trendy hairstyle, so kewl!! xD ^_^_^_^ overall it’s a flawless performance of epic proportions, two thumbs up for gd. then he goes on to do his breathe performance which is also equally flawless (notice the stylish pyjama pants, real men don’t give a fuck what they wear in public). and if you look at the stage setup, there are white vinyl-like walls where the image of people trying to escape is shown clearly, this is through out the entire performance. and who else can these people be, than mere mortals trying to get their dirty hands on gd? but unlike taeyang, gd doesn’t fall for the fanboy-fangirl temptations and keeps away from them, hence the impenetrable walls. gd doesn’t want to be a sell-out and i respect that. also, look at the smile at 7:10 omg so kawaii! taeyang has nothing on that. fourth point goes to gd.
exhibit c:
ok last exhibit i swear. who’s more of a ladies man, gd or taeyang? lets let these videos speak for themselves.
gd:
it’s kinda out of sync but it’s the only one i could find so yeah.
taeyang:
ok first things first, sandara is a fucking goddess on land. look at her in the taeyang video SO GORGEOUS OMGGGGGGGG but i dunno why she insists on being so trashy and dressing trashy and acting trashy and sticking with that trashy group 2ne1 man she should just break away and solo, she’ll be so popular. also, compare taeyang’s head size to sandara’s head size and you’ll see how big taeyang’s head is.
anyways, in gd’s video, sandara is the one that says hello to gd first on 0:53, and not gd. it’s clear who wants whose dick in this situation. on the other hand, taeyang approaches sandara first, on 0:16 in his video. and on top of that, he dances very creepily in front of her, all touchy and shit. if you were a girl and some ugly dude like taeyang approached you like that you would pull out your fuckin tearspray out of your louis vuitton bag in half a second flat and spray that shit in front of you like no tomorrow, don’t lie. fucking creep. you can tell sandara is just playing along with him cause she doesn’t want to be rude. on 0:42, sandara turns her back on taeyang but he keeps trying to get at her when it’s clear she doesn’t want him. GTFO TAEYANG! and on 0:52 look at that body roll on sanadra’s part, man she sucks so much at it but she makes it look so good yummyyyyyy mmmmmmmmmmm. likewise, gd gets pushed away by sandara at 1:09 in his video—it’s clear she does’nt want him after all. but he doesn’t creep up on her right after like taeyang does, cause gd is skilled in this trade and he knows how to get his girls. he keeps his cool, plays hard to get, and chills with his boys while she looks on. and she approves! you can see this on 1:20 and 1:40. and guess what? it works. she approaches him again on 1:44. he even has the decency to excuse himself from his bros with a raise of his hand on 1:53, a true sign of a loyal bro. although sandara refuses to respond to him when he pokes her shoulder on 1:56, we all know it’s cause she’s a girl and girls are nothing but tricks and hoes. but right afterwards, she realizes she’s making a big mistake and runs back to gd and he finally gets to bag her! man, so respectable, i tip my hat to gd, motherfucking pure art right there. that, boys, is how you bag a girl. and he even gets to kiss sandara on 2:52, wow! on the other hand, taeyang continues to exude his aura of creepiness on this innocent sandara here. on 1:28 of his video, he creeps his hands up to her breasts making it seem inconspicuous but we all saw it coming and even she did. smh. then she leaves him and goes to her biddies and talks to them but MOTHERFUCKING TAEYANG tries to butt in AGAIN at 1:47 and we all know you’re not supposed to butt into a group of girls while they’re chatting away UNLESS you get past their guard dog first (see k-town cowboys episode 5) and in this case the guard dog is clearly the motherfucka with the poofy hair who grills taeyang the entire time. taeyang doesn’t even talk to her, a clear sign of failure with sandara. smh again. since his buddy taeyang seems to be having trouble, good ol’ loyal gd comes into help. but it’s clear sandara likes gd better than taeyang cause she gives him hearts like on 2:06 whenever he talks but whatever. gd then proceeds to teach taeyang how to bag girls with his little rap part. anyways, voila, the advice seems to work, cause taeyang all of a sudden bags sandara! or does he? it’s quite ambiguous. what went wrong, the advice? no way man, the advice was pin point. it was just taeyang that failed to pull through. and at the end, 3:33 you see sandara putting her head on taeyang’s shoulder but it’s really quite obvious that she’s not thinking of taeyang. she’s thinking of gd, like ‘oh man he was so dreamy who is that?’ and now she’s just getting close to taeyang to find her way to gd. that, boys, is why girls are nothing but tricks and hoes. they play you, just like sandara played taeyang. well, looks like point 5 goes to gd.
the results are in and the score is, gd: 5, taeyang: 0, seungri: 1. and i think TOP deserves a point too cause he’s in a lot of dramas and he’s sexy, and i’ll give daesung a point too cause he’s the best singer in the group and he has the best personality so TOP: 1, daesung: 1. oh look at that, taeyang got 0 points, he’s the worst one in the entire group! the evidence is irrefutable taeyang fangirls and fanboys, gd is better than taeyang.
now, please take this work seriously. i spent a lot of time and effort into this research and i really hope it makes a serious dent in the science of kpop and fangirlism. thank you all for your support.
this is just creepy.
