EPTThis is my first blog/diary since I was a little kid (like 10yo) so bear with me. Actually this is nothing like a blog as im not even sure if I want anyone to read it or if I´m even going to hit that post button once I´m done. But this is the first time when I´m actually going to open up and write done everything, to make it all fathomable to myself. I´ve come to a point where I feel that this is absolutely essential to my "recovery". I hate it when people talk about themselves. While people should consider themselves the most important thing in the world, to actually show that has always made me mad. I´ve meant to write this for countless times but everytime I have trashed the paper or notebook or just hit the computer shutdown button.
So yesterday after a test in the uni we headed back to my hometown for the first time in about one and a half months. I arrived late at night so my parents and younger brother were already sleeping, as I stepped in it felt different that ever before and I´ve lived almost all of my life in this house. I went straight to sleep but when I woke up in the morning the feeling was still there; it didn´t feel like home at all, it was like I saw everything in a different,gloomy light. The scenery through the kitchen window felt nostalgic but somehow unfamiliar. During these 40 or so days I had changed.
Although I love my parents and little brother more than anything I wasn´t too anxious about seeing them this soon. I feel like I´m still "a product in making" and too much interference - something they might say - could knock me back to the tunnel where I saw no light for so many years, not that they would ever knowingly do something like that.
You see I don´t think they have any idea I´ve been depressed for the last 7 years (T.T so long...). I´ve noted that most people lack the ability to look into other people´s minds but the fact that even your parents can´t see it is kinda depressing although I´m kinda glad as I don´t want them to know that one of their kids has been thinking of suicide every day for so long, not living, just keeping somekinda pose of a "normal" person.
I have no friends. I used to have friends when I still had my original pose...or act. You see I´ve never had a personality really, I have these acts(you know like you act in school/bank/library/different occasions). I used to be outgoing, trustworthy and I could make people laugh at anytime really. I had dreams: I would be a musician, an actor, was always good with languages so maybe something related to that.. maybe a teacher of somekind. I love people... adore kids, have never had a temper. Don´t really dislike people, unless they are the kind that speak all too much and hurt people because they don´t think what they are saying.
So in the last seven years I managed to really lose every one of my friends, cut almost all social connections to people. I replaced people with obsessions: mostly music (playing guitar), watching movies and literature. Schooldays were something I just had to get over with, once I got home I played guitar until my fingers would bleed. People around me said I was the best guitar player in town although they very seldom saw/heard me playing partly because I was already a nightmare to deal with as a person. I started getting nervous around people (had no idea how to act?! and also I can´t really concentrate when there is lot´s of people talking at the same time, I´ve always prefered 1 on 1). When I get to a level where I could play almost anything and learn stuff super fast... I gave up playing guitar. There was really no passion to begin with and when I was good enough I saw no point in playing stuff written by others anymore. I didn´t want to just imitate others like a monkey. For sometime I tried to write my own music but of course I would get an idea, refine it for hours and ultimately just bash it and give up for another week or so. The goals I set for myself were so high that now that I think of it I never really wanted myself to achieve those. I would settle for nothing but perfection, something that doesn´t exist in music, everything can be done in multiple ways.
I never did homework so it´s almost a miracle I got straight to university without even taking the tests. Or well, I guess I was naturally good at school and maybe that was a bad thing too. So at the moment I´m in university, not really studying as my subject has nothing to do with my dreams ( instead: computers/coding, which I hate the most pretty much ) Things kinda naturally came to this point as I really gave up on everything and always chose the quickest, easiest way.
When I gave up on interacting with people I started thinking. I thought that when I really find myself- meaning to my existence, God and death - I would be ready to come out and show everyone what I was really about, what a nice, likeable person I was the whole time. What I found instead was more questions and that the answers would never be revealed to me. But I couldn´t turn my brains back to the happy "off" state. I became obsessed about death, afraid to the point where my heart would pound day and night, I´d try to squeeze myself in to a ball and cry myself to sleep but of course I couldn´t, the tears would never come. So I became afraid of going to sleep too. At nights I would try to rest my eyes but instead of trying to sleep I kept thinking of everything else in the world: life, death,politics,war,people,society....
You can write books in your mind when others are sleeping.
Few times I´d even finish a book during a night, manifests aimed to help people understand stuff and live together in peace happily, books that would never not only be published but not even exist anywhere else than in my memory.
I also wanted to forget anything but my childhood when I was happy and things were simple. Everything else I was ashamed of. I would analyze every day, everyone, every word that was said and every mistake I ever did and I would dwell on those, especially on the bad memories.
All this would result in constant headaches, higher than normal heartbeat, memory loss and being tired 24/7.
I´m done for today, sorry if it is all chaotic as I just kept writing anything that popped into my mind (I think that for once I let things go past my own cencorship). I guess I´ll hit that post button after all, but that meand I´ll have to continue tomorrow. Maybe we might even get to the point: why I think my life came to this. I like to think of this as just letting of some steam before the real deal.
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