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Personal Statement - Graduate Program HELP!

Blogs > Caphe
Post a Reply
Caphe
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
Vietnam10817 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-10-08 02:29:19
October 07 2010 13:34 GMT
#1
Dear Tlers,
I need your help. I'm currently a 4th year student at SJTU in China. I have a classmate(a Chinese girl) that want to apply for the Graduate Program at Delft University of Technology. It's located in the Netherland.
She already wrote the Personal Statement, but English is not our native language. Through me, she knows of TL, and its many English native speaker. I need your help at reviewing this statement:
-Please point out where you cant understand, where it sounds weird.
-Grammar problem
-Structure of the statement. Your suggestion of changing it.
-Its 3700 words long, the requirement is 3000. If you can cut some of it, which one will you cut off?

I read the statement several times, I put some notes on it. If you dont have time to read all of it. Please read the BOLD part.

I deeply thank you all. This is very important to us.

NOTE: This is very long article 3700 words!
+ Show Spoiler +

Dear Sir or Madam:
My name is Yuan Li. I’m a final year student from Shanghai Jiao Tong University, China. I’m from the School of Naval Architecture Ocean and Civil Engineering and my major is International Harbor. I’m writing to apply for your comprehensive master of science program in Transport, Infrastructure and Logistics.

My motivation for taking the MSc program in TIL
It is true that curiosity is the best teacher. The initial motivation for me to take the MSc program in TIL is my strong interest in transport and logistics, which accumulated through life and study. (the interest or interest?)Transport and logistics is closely related to our daily life. For instance, I was told by the post office that it will take X days for the documents to be delivered to the admission office of TU Delft. Suppose that the speed of air and traffic is constant, I wonder what we can do to make the delivery faster so that my documents can be received earlier. The way how infrastructure are designed, how different modes of transportation are connected, how the letters are classified according to emergency level and place of delivery and what the regulations are at the airport which may largely affect the process of delivery are all determinate to the speed of mails. These questions can be well addressed by TIL, the purpose of who(whose?) is to provide graduates with the ability to design, construct and implement such traffic and logistics systems. From this incident, we can see that this program can equip me with the ability to bring us convenience in a fundamental way which is close to our everyday life. And this is the first reason that makes me interested and excited. (This sounds weird?) Moreover, the efficiency of traffic and logistics systems is also a key to the prosperity of economics. Since my home city, Shanghai, is becoming an international economical capital in the far east, its infrastructure and transportation system should always keep in pace with the internationalization and development of economy. The port of Shanghai has become an important hub in the south east Asia and it has also been the world’s largest port in terms of container throughput in a roll. Thus, it is a knot of great significance on the logistic chain. Lots of questions have to be pondered on by the government and enterprises including how the policy should be made to encourage the economy based on the port, how different modes of transportation should be designed to cater for the large capacity of logistics, how the infrastructure should be built and managed and many others. Professionals in such area are needed and thus there’s no doubt that doing such kind of work will bring me a sense of accomplishment, which motivates me.

The second reason why I choose this interdisciplinary program offered by TU Delft is that the program and me match with each other. On one hand, I am confident to meet the requisite of the program. During the first one and half year study, I learned advanced mathematics and Statistics, which equipped me with the ability of critical thinking and the ability to carry out traffic engineering and logistic system calculations. My good performance in mechanics courses also provides me with a just knowledge of infrastructure building. After acquiring the solid knowledge of natural sciences and technology, I went on to study the courses on) logistics, transportation, management and economics. What is unique is that my major has a specialization in shipping, which serves as a perspective from which I gain a deep insight and understanding into one kind of transportation mode. By studying how to do port planning and how the logistic systems functions in shipping industry, I have accumulated the experience to analyze, which provides me the ability as well the interests to apply what I have learned in the transportation by sea to lands and air. Moreover, I also acquired a basic knowledge of economics and management through my minor, business administration, which prepared me well to study the relative courses in TIL. On the other hand, the program in TIL can well meet my needs as I started to see the broader picture of logistics and understand the role of shipping in the whole supply chain. I’ve seen the trend of integration of shipping and logistics. Many large liner shipping companies became 3rd party logistics providers which designed and provided services from door to door rather than port to port. Ship owners started to get involved in port facilities development and even inland infrastructures developments. Through the lectures and discussion during my cognitive internship, I got a better understand of the need of total logistics in the real world. Through the communication with cargo owners, I understand more about the factors they consider when designing the logistic chain rather than just shipping goods from port to port. I got the idea that integration with logistics is a direction of future development of shipping and ship owners will turn to provide total logistics solutions. So I’m strongly interested in studying more about the functioning of the logistics system and how policy and infrastructures are designed in other modes of transportation.

The third reason why I choose this program is that I enjoy doing project on TIL。From the middle of this year, I started to do a project with Associate Professor Zhao Yifei and three graduates. In this project, we are required to work out a plan for the free trade zone near Baiyun Airport in Guangzhou for the Guangzhou Government, including the design of infrastructure and its policy to attract the enterprises. To better understand and carry out the project, I have to do much extensive reading regarding the policy for free trade zone, the design of infrastructure and the planning of transportation. The process is tough because I have to spend a lot of time on searching and analyzing the previous successful cases as well as doing reading on such kind of topics after class. However, great interest was aroused when our group was faced with considerable challenges and difficulties. Though we can learn something from cases like Shanghai or Suzhou, it is still hard to determine the land capacity for areas of different use and to make a set of suitable policies to attract companies to move in to the free trade zone because this case has its own characters, such as its condition of economic development, the distance between the zone and the airport and many other factors. In order to settle our doubt and acquire more useful information, we went on a trip to Guangzhou and made several discussions with different department of government involved.

Through the discussion, I found that it is such a complicated case and in order to come up with a practicable plan, I should be prepared with wide range of knowledge regarding trade, logistics, transport and so on. At this time, the project is still under going, methods and models needed to assess the feasibility of plan intrigues me to pursue the program in TIL.


Why I wish to pursue this program abroad and/or in the Netherlands in particular.

Couples of reasons can explain why I choose to further my study abroad. My first impression of foreign countries can be traced back to my childhood. When I was young, my uncle’s moved to USA and started their life abroad. Through their letters and photos, I could always get something new and different which aroused my interest to explore the outside world. As I grow up, I have always been keeping in touch with my cousin. She is my good friend from whom I knew about the fascinating school life and daily life in foreign countries. The communication with her also encouraged me to read a lot about the world history and literature. Through these reading, my favor towards Europe was generated and gradually increased for its splendid culture accumulated over (or through?) the history. I always believe that life is a travel in three dimensions, the length, the breadth and the depth. Experiencing the life in a brand new state will give me a good chance to develop myself and make my life more wonderful. That is one of the reasons why I am looking forward to continuing(continue ?) my study in Europe.
My international experiences also encouraged me to pursue the master degree abroad. I participated in an exchange program for 1 semester in my 3rd year in Nanyang Technological University, Singapore. At that time I attended many lectures by professors from Europe. Through communication with them, I felt a different way of thinking. The prospective from which they view a problem(what word should be used here?) and the way how they analyze a case impressed me a lot because these ideas are special and new to me. These ideas helped me to understand what I have learned in another interesting way and could always inspired me to come up with something new in a different way from I used to do. I also enjoyed my life in the multi-culture environment. I got along well with students from different countries and these excited experiences encouraged me to further my study abroad.
The factor that drives me to choose Netherland rather than other countries is my academic purpose. It is widely recognized that the development of transport and logistics systems in Netherland has reached the world first-class scale. It owns both advanced infrastructure and operating strategy. Over nine thousand companies have built their own distribution system in Netherland so far, including the Dell, Coco Cola and other world’s top companies. Apart from its favorable location and great emphasis laid by the government, port of Rotterdam plays an important role. During my undergraduate study, I learned how ports contribute to and promote the logistics in districts. However, when I think of my home town Shanghai, I know there is still a long way to go to become the heart of logistics. Though the port of Shanghai has an outstanding container throughput, its policy and infrastructure fall behind. Therefore, policies which can effectively promote the logistics system and combine it with the port economy are urgently needed. Accordingly, certain infrastructures need to be designed and managed. To some extent, Netherland has set an example. Successful cases like its transportation system for agricultural products are all worth learning. Moreover, it always goes in front of the world in the development of transport and logistics. New ideas are often born and put into research(Is this too Chinhlish?。。)For example, the research on underground logistic system from Airport Schiphol to the flower market and railway station can be viewed as a pioneer in this field. In conclusion, Netherland is an ideal place for me to study TIL program for its advanced development in TIL.

Why I am interested in TU Delft.
Lots of seniors from my university Shanghai Jiao Tong University went to Delft every year. It is from their where I first got to know TU Delft. Aside from its top ranking and good reputation over the world, the recommendations from seniors endowed (gave?) me more trust in its high-quality teaching and research. Once, a senior told me a story that almost two-thirds of the students in her class had to take the make-up test for a certain course because of the rather difficult final exam. From this story, I can see the strict attitude towards academic which I value most because I think only with this attitude can scholars make outstanding achievements. Other stories about the academic atmosphere and excited class told by the seniors all left me a deep impression, which largely encouraged me to pursue my study in Delft.
Furthermore, Delft has a close relationship with government, industries and companies. This advantage will enhance its teaching quality by providing students with various opportunities to keep in touch with these institutions and put what they have learned into practice. Thus, students from TU Delft are more likely to acquire good job opportunities after graduation because they are well- qualified. For me, I desire the chance to have contacts with the transport department in government. From there, I hope to acquire the experience of TIL through real cases.

Optional specializations in the Master’s program of my choice and my reason

One of the specializations that I’m most interested in is Design and Management of Logistics Processes and Systems. This is a special direction among all specializations, which takes the view of a business firm or a logistic service provider, and goes deep into the study of the logistic chain of one particular cargo or several related cargoes. My previous background in business and shipping logistics makes me interested in this area. I understand fully about the importance of channel strategy for a firm. For many industries it is vital to make the products always available for customers and avoid too much stock, such as cars, garment and make-ups. The supply chain from supplier of raw material to the final consumer may involve lots of parties, or just managed by 1 firm. The efficiency of supply chains in terms of time and cost are the key to a successful logistic management. Thus, a strong trend of outsourcing logistic services emerged. 3rd party logistic providers who are believed to be more professional provide logistic services and integrate logistic chains to achieve economies of scale and to reduce risk of the producer. 4th party logistic providers go further on to pool the resources of 3rd party logistic providers (e.g. vehicles and warehouses). With this strong trend I’m very interested in working in a 3rd party or 4th party logistic provider as a project manager or logistic analyst. I acquired the knowledge of the conceptual framework and the core competency of such firms during my undergraduate study. My strong knowledge in shipping will also help me in this work. But I feel I still need to learn the scientific methodologies to analyze and design the logistic system, based on not only theories but also model works and calculations. The courses offered in the specialization of Design and Management of Logistics Processes and Systems well fulfill my need of knowledge in this area.
Besides, I’m also interested in the specialization: Transportation and Infrastructure Policy Processes. I would like to see the broad picture of transport and logistics and what is its role in the development of society. What makes this specialization more attractive to me is that policy making requires a great understanding of politics, economy, and social development. And I feel my knowledge of the world’s politics, economy and culture built up through my continuously reading of news and commentaries could be used in these studies. I’ve did several policy analysis in my bachelor course works such as European Union’s policy on promoting short sea shipping, the impact of the expansion of the Panama Canal and Singapore’s port policy on private and foreign involvement. With these experiences, I’m quite interested in being a researcher in policy making and policy improvements.

Examples of three Master’s thesis topics that interest me and an explanation of my particular interest

I would like to work on topics on the underground logistics system which is shorten for ULS. Except from carriage of goods by sea, by air, by rail and by road, it is defined as the fifth mode of transportation. However, in fact, it enjoys a quite long history since the 19th century. In 1853, an underground mail system connecting Paddington with (OR AND?) Whitechapel was put into use in London, transferring 4 million mails per day with 9 logistics hubs. After that, such kind of systems were also built in other cities in Britain, France, America, etc. It was not until the end of 20th century that ULS received more and more concern from the world (attract more and more attention? By now, the international symposium on underground freight transport (ISUFT) has been held for five times in different countries. Researches concerning the transportation technology have been conducted in universities in Netherland, Japan, Germany and American with great investment in enthusiasm and capital. Study on the feasibility of certain project like the ULS connecting Schiphol airport, Aalsmeer Flower Market and Hoofddrop Railway Station was carried out. (句子结构感觉相当诡异) Why could ULS arouse the interest again from the developed countries in the 21st century?Obviously, it enjoys couples of advantages. First of all, it complies with the concept of being environmental friendly by low carbon release and noise pollution. Secondly, it can effectively relieve the traffic congestion on the road thus enhancing the safety for human beings. Thirdly, it can alleviate the conflict between increasing population and fewer lands. Fourthly, the ULS with its specialized and automatic operation system can act with great punctuality and safety without the interference from outside factors, which will therefore guarantee the transportation quality and contribute to the development of E-commerce. However, varieties of difficulties also exist which put limitations to the development of ULS and require deeper research. Will its high construction cost be covered by the benefits created? Since it has to compete with the present transportation mode, study on the economic aspect is of significant necessity. Plus, can technologies meet the needs of all the ideas and finally make them come true? Research has been conducted on this subject in several universities while it still needs further exploration. I am interested in this topic for its great potential in the 21st century just as I mentioned above. Therefore, I would like to make further discussion on ULS in my graduate thesis.
The first topic on which I would like to focus my attention is the design of ULS in Shanghai, my hometown city. As we all know, Shanghai has become an international city with over 20 million populations. The port of Shanghai also boasted the top container throughput in recent years in a roll. Both passenger and freight transportation contribute to the increasingly busy traffic in Shanghai. Though efforts have been made, congestion is still of high frequency. Under these circumstances, traffic accidents are more likely to happen. In terms of its future expansion in residence, the land capacity would soon reach its limitation. Together with the serious air-pollution caused by automobiles, it is a good choice to develop the ULS in Shanghai. After the analysis of necessity, I would like to decide which goods to be delivered and is the system specialized or of general use. For example, it is expected that contain throughput will continue to increase. Therefore, it may sounds reasonable to build a specialized ULS for the transportation of containers like several ports along the west coast of America. If the feasibility is confirmed, I would like to come up with several possible plans for the route and finally choose a best one by evaluation. Other goods like garbage, mails or newspapers should also be taken into consideration respectively.
The second topic on which I would like to ponder is the innovation it may bring about to the logistic chain. Suppose at the terminal of the ULS locates a manufacture zone which has a cluster of suppliers and on the node of the ULS locate the customer like supermarkets or enterprises. In this case, goods to be delivered to the same customer from different suppliers can be gathered and transferred together, which will largely lower the cost of logistics. Furthermore, the transportation of goods between two customers can also be realized. For example, one supermarket does not need to return its excess goods back to the supplier. Instead, it can transfer it directly to other supermarket on the node of ULS which has a larger demand. In this process, cost is lowered for the logistic chain and the strategy for the different part of logistics such as warehousing, inventory management and information technology may also evolve accordingly.
The third topic that interests me is the financing and management of the ULS. Since its initial investment is huge, it will lay a heavy burden on the government if it is entirely financed by the tax income. Therefore, should it be financed by companies or companies jointly with the government? This is worth thinking about. As for the management and its maintenance cost, should it be owned by the companies? What kind of responsibilities and what kind of benefits will the company take? Such kind of policy should also be reflected upon. To discuss this topic, we may take the reference of other infrastructure such as the roads, railway or ports. We can analyze their similarities as well as the difference.

A brief summary of the thesis work done for my Bachelor’s program
Topic:
The European Union had promoted Short Sea Shipping (SSS) s a more environmental friendly transportation method. This creates challenges for port developments. Joint efforts from the authority and the port operators had been put on SSS oriented port developments and we have seen some successful case in EU.
The ASEAN will rely more and more on SSS due to economical developments and geographical constraints. Major ports in ASEAN are required to adapt to this trend through SSS orientated developments. This research tries to give implications on port developments to both the authority and the port operators in ASEAN with comparison to the EU cases.
Methodology:
A basic comparison method is used. The similar ports compared in pairs: Rotterdam and Singapore as regional hubs and Barcelona and Penang as main access ports to industry areas. Based on the analysis of port developments in EU, the feasibility of applying the EU experiences to ASEAN ports are assessed by comparing key port figures and port’s political and economical position.
Results and Conclusion:
It turns out that most facilities and infrastructures catering for short sea shipping in Rotterdam are also in place in Singapore. But the restraints of Singapore are land capacity and the policy of public owned port operation. The experiences of Barcelona in developing ZAL (integrated logistic zone) which consists of warehouses, inter-modal connections, intermediary producing industries and logistic management headquarters, could well be applied to Penang and many other ASEAN ports.
Credits earned: 2
Grade: 90
Full workload: 36 hours


EDIT: Asking you guys to read this article wasnt a good idea since its a long ass article.
But, if you are a graduate student or someone has experience in writing this type of stuff, please share your opinions. It will be a great help as I plan to let my friend re-write this later.


Please help me out!!
I really appreciate it.

Terran
Nytefish
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United Kingdom4282 Posts
October 07 2010 13:43 GMT
#2
Ah, good luck to whoever helps with this, I had a brief skim and pretty much every line sounds awkward or contains bad wording/grammar. I don't mean it in a demeaning way, writing in a non-native language is extremely difficult.

I was going to correct a short part of it, but I don't think it will be worth it because the tone of writing is quite important in a Personal Statement and there's no way I would be able to keep it consistent with parts that other people will write.
No I'm never serious.
Caphe
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
Vietnam10817 Posts
October 07 2010 13:52 GMT
#3
Oh shit, is this really that bad
Terran
awu25
Profile Joined April 2010
United States2003 Posts
October 07 2010 14:46 GMT
#4
as a college student with many foreign graduate students TA'ing the classes, i don't think it's fair to have someone completely rework your friend's essay for grammar and such
it's deceiving to the school you're applying to and even though it may be a good opportunity for you, it may end up ruining many other people's experiences
most grad students have to TA some sort of class and I can guarantee you that it is impossible to learn anything when the TA can't speak fluent english
but that's just my opinion, other people will probably see it some other way
Caphe
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
Vietnam10817 Posts
October 07 2010 15:00 GMT
#5
Well, i didnt ask for a complete re-work of the statement. I just ask for some inputs, something like Nytefish's reply is good for me.
This has nothing to do with English spoken nor listening skill. Most Chinese students cant speak fluent English when they first go abroad, but they can study damn well.
Terran
awu25
Profile Joined April 2010
United States2003 Posts
October 07 2010 15:11 GMT
#6
On October 08 2010 00:00 Caphe wrote:
Well, i didnt ask for a complete re-work of the statement. I just ask for some inputs, something like Nytefish's reply is good for me.
This has nothing to do with English spoken nor listening skill. Most Chinese students cant speak fluent English when they first go abroad, but they can study damn well.

you missed the issue i was addressing
i know chinese students can study well and do well
i was explaining the fact that the undergrad experience can be ruined by a non-fluent TA
but i guess she really wouldn't care about that
Divinek
Profile Blog Joined November 2006
Canada4045 Posts
October 07 2010 15:26 GMT
#7
On October 08 2010 00:11 awu25 wrote:
Show nested quote +
On October 08 2010 00:00 Caphe wrote:
Well, i didnt ask for a complete re-work of the statement. I just ask for some inputs, something like Nytefish's reply is good for me.
This has nothing to do with English spoken nor listening skill. Most Chinese students cant speak fluent English when they first go abroad, but they can study damn well.

you missed the issue i was addressing
i know chinese students can study well and do well
i was explaining the fact that the undergrad experience can be ruined by a non-fluent TA
but i guess she really wouldn't care about that


seriously id much rather someone that can speak perfectly clear, h8 non fluent TAs/even heavily accented profs is beyond annoying
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Oh goodness me, FOX tv where do you get your sight? Can't you keep track, the puck is black. That's why the ice is white.
haduken
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Australia8267 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-10-07 15:52:16
October 07 2010 15:51 GMT
#8
The first problem with her writing is that its too long. For things like this, you want to be succinct and clear in your writing.

There is a general trend in Chinese writing to over gloss everything, by that I mean the Chinese are not precise in their writing and spend too much time making their essay looks good rather than actually making sense.

If she wants to address her ambitions and goals, then do so by outlining the industry positions and her plan, don't spend too much time writing about her cousin the good it will do to her town or country, we all know that's bull.

Anyway, if she can post a Chinese version of her letter, I will try to do a rough translation and we can go from there.

Rillanon.au
Caphe
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
Vietnam10817 Posts
October 07 2010 16:17 GMT
#9
@awu25 Sorry for the earlier post. I'll let her know your opinion
@Hakuden Thank you for your kind offer. But she didnt really give me enough time for that, she needs this tomorrow, well, I'll just sum up you guys opinions here and let her work on another one by herself.
And I dont think she wrote a Chinese version for this.
Terran
Amestir
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Netherlands2126 Posts
October 07 2010 17:51 GMT
#10
Alright, I skimmed it too. Firts of all, gl with getting in to the university. If you and your friend have any Netherlands related questions feel free to pm me.

About the letter. You can't send it the way it it is now. It is way too long, vague and bad written. My advise is that your friend asks her university for help. Surely there coaches / trainers you can hire to help you with this kind of letter.
We know nothing.
bbq ftw
Profile Joined September 2010
United States139 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-10-07 18:27:49
October 07 2010 18:25 GMT
#11
Hi:

Just something to point out--just because the limit is 3000 words doesn't mean the SOP has to come out anything close to that. Not sure if your program requires lengthier SOPs, but, for example, my statements of purpose were about 500-600 words (admissions went pretty well).

Key things about writing these tricky pieces:

-The SOP is about you. Nothing else. It is about you, your interests, your experiences, and why you should be admitted to the program. Anything else is irrelevant, unless it relates to one of the above. With this in mind, there's a lot of paragraphs that can be eliminated completely.
-Research experiences are key. I think you did a fair enough job outlining this.
-I found that as far as the personal touch goes, name-dropping faculty and their interests works fair enough. Again, your program may vary, but if its fundamentally a research-emphasized program, you should discuss how your research interests fit with X faculty member you hope to work with.

Again, good luck, and I hope this helped.

seriously id much rather someone that can speak perfectly clear, h8 non fluent TAs/even heavily accented profs is beyond annoying

That's what you get for attending a research university, frankly.
hoborg
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
United States430 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-10-07 19:02:23
October 07 2010 19:01 GMT
#12
I skimmed through some of the bold parts. I'm no writer, but I'm an English speaker, so here are some grammar fixes out of many that need to be done:

>The third reason why I choose this program is that I enjoy doing project on TIL
The third reason why I choose this program is that I enjoy doing projects in the field of TIL
(this might be an unnecessary sentence)


>As I grow up, I have always been keeping in touch with my cousin.
I have always kept in touch with my cousin as I grew up.

>That is one of the reasons why I am looking forward to continuing(continue ?) my study in Europe.
("continuing" is fine, but this is probably a useless sentence, get rid of it)

>The prospective from which they view a problem(what word should be used here?) and the way how they analyze a case impressed me a lot because these ideas are special and new to me.
prospective ==> perspective, remove the word "how"
'problem' sounds okay to me.


>The factor that drives me to choose Netherland rather than other countries is my academic purpose.
Netherland ==> The Netherlands

>I would like to work on topics on the underground logistics system which is shorten for ULS. Except from carriage of goods by sea, by air, by rail and by road, it is defined as the fifth mode of transportation. However, in fact, it enjoys a quite long history since the 19th century.
I would like to work on topics regarding the Underground Logistics System, or ULS. It is defined as the fifth mode of transportation, the others being the carriage of goods by sea, air, rail, and road. ULS has enjoyed quite a long history since the 19th century.

>Study on the feasibility of certain project like the ULS connecting Schiphol airport, Aalsmeer Flower Market and Hoofddrop Railway Station was carried out.
(Subject here) carried out a study on the feasibility of a certain ULS project connecting Schiphol Airport, Aalsmeer Flower Market, and Hoofddrop Railway Station.

Also, try to make it more concise however you can. Eliminate any sentences that aren't essential to communicating your point - there is no benefit to being long-winded.
blbl | CJ and ACE fighting!
Caphe
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
Vietnam10817 Posts
October 08 2010 04:44 GMT
#13
Bump up to get more help,
and thank you hoborg&bbq ftw! Really appreciated it.
Terran
pRo9aMeR
Profile Blog Joined September 2008
595 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-10-09 15:56:25
October 09 2010 15:50 GMT
#14
Are the bold parts what you think might be unnecessary or parts you think are unclear?

EDIT: nvm, but I'm gonna read the whole thing...or as much as possible, so much that is unclear/unnecessary that is not bolded.

2nd EDIT: what exactly was the purpose of this paper? What are the major parts of the paper that need to be included? ALSO, when does she need this?
In training...let's play, gg! d^..^b
Kishkumen
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
United States650 Posts
October 09 2010 16:49 GMT
#15
It's a brave attempt to try to make the jump from Chinese to English. With that in mind, your friend still needs a lot of practice. Most of the problems come from a combination of syntax errors and words that don't quite fit the meaning or syntax required. My suggestions, as a language learner myself:

-Keep it simple. Short, less complicated sentences will reduce syntax errors. Simpler phrases and expressions will save this essay from a lot of its problems.
-Avoid anything idiomatic. Your friend hasn't mastered English's complex idiom system yet and it shows. Once again, stick with simple, clear constructions.
-Watch out especially for grammatical elements that aren't in Chinese. There are a lot of mistakes with the use of articles here, which can really stick out to a good English speaker. Plurals also are difficult for Chinese speakers.
-Avoid using a dictionary/online translator as much as possible. Stick to words or phrases you already know and are comfortable using. I don't know if the word problems are due to bad results from one of these methods or are just Chinglish. As a general rule, if you're not entirely comfortable with it, try to find a different way to say it that you are comfortable with, rather than use an online translator or a dictionary.
-Chinese essay style, while considered appropriate in much of Asia, is generally viewed as sloppy writing by westerners. Remember, westerners are far more direct in their writing style than easterners. Pick a point you want to make and make it. Eastern essays often circle around a point that they are making, which to a westerner seems unnecessary. (An example of this is the paragraph that begins by mentioning keeping in touch with her cousin. There's too big of a build-up for a point that could be made in a sentence or two in a typical western essay.) Try to think like a westerner in your essay. If it seems too direct and to the point, you're probably on the right track. Be uncomfortably direct in your writing style.
Weird, last time I checked the UN said you need to have at least 200 APM and be rainbow league to be called human. —Liquid`TLO
Caphe
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
Vietnam10817 Posts
October 09 2010 17:27 GMT
#16
On October 10 2010 00:50 pRo9aMeR wrote:
Are the bold parts what you think might be unnecessary or parts you think are unclear?

EDIT: nvm, but I'm gonna read the whole thing...or as much as possible, so much that is unclear/unnecessary that is not bolded.

2nd EDIT: what exactly was the purpose of this paper? What are the major parts of the paper that need to be included? ALSO, when does she need this?

I don't know what you guys call it, but here we call it Personal Statement(sound weird :D).
She is applying for a graduate program in Holland. This paper, 3 recommendation letters from my school professors and the score sheet of 3 years of study and a TOEFL are what needed for applying.

Two days ago, she said that she wants it yesterday. But just today she told me, she can wait a couple of days more.

The first 3 parts are important, thats what she told me.

Thanks lot for your help, I though that no one will read this blog anymore...
Terran
Caphe
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
Vietnam10817 Posts
October 09 2010 17:29 GMT
#17
On October 10 2010 01:49 Kishkumen wrote:
It's a brave attempt to try to make the jump from Chinese to English. With that in mind, your friend still needs a lot of practice. Most of the problems come from a combination of syntax errors and words that don't quite fit the meaning or syntax required. My suggestions, as a language learner myself:

-Keep it simple. Short, less complicated sentences will reduce syntax errors. Simpler phrases and expressions will save this essay from a lot of its problems.
-Avoid anything idiomatic. Your friend hasn't mastered English's complex idiom system yet and it shows. Once again, stick with simple, clear constructions.
-Watch out especially for grammatical elements that aren't in Chinese. There are a lot of mistakes with the use of articles here, which can really stick out to a good English speaker. Plurals also are difficult for Chinese speakers.
-Avoid using a dictionary/online translator as much as possible. Stick to words or phrases you already know and are comfortable using. I don't know if the word problems are due to bad results from one of these methods or are just Chinglish. As a general rule, if you're not entirely comfortable with it, try to find a different way to say it that you are comfortable with, rather than use an online translator or a dictionary.
-Chinese essay style, while considered appropriate in much of Asia, is generally viewed as sloppy writing by westerners. Remember, westerners are far more direct in their writing style than easterners. Pick a point you want to make and make it. Eastern essays often circle around a point that they are making, which to a westerner seems unnecessary. (An example of this is the paragraph that begins by mentioning keeping in touch with her cousin. There's too big of a build-up for a point that could be made in a sentence or two in a typical western essay.) Try to think like a westerner in your essay. If it seems too direct and to the point, you're probably on the right track. Be uncomfortably direct in your writing style.


Thank you very much, will tell her this...right now :D

Terran
haduken
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Australia8267 Posts
October 09 2010 19:10 GMT
#18
[B]
-Chinese essay style, while considered appropriate in much of Asia, is generally viewed as sloppy writing by westerners. Remember, westerners are far more direct in their writing style than easterners. Pick a point you want to make and make it. Eastern essays often circle around a point that they are making, which to a westerner seems unnecessary. (An example of this is the paragraph that begins by mentioning keeping in touch with her cousin. There's too big of a build-up for a point that could be made in a sentence or two in a typical western essay.) Try to think like a westerner in your essay. If it seems too direct and to the point, you're probably on the right track. Be uncomfortably direct in your writing style.


Agreed. English essays and letters are very systematic, logic and layout must be direct, obvious and stay away from non relevant information.

She should approach it by out lining her own background and introduce her accomplishments, things like first honours in her class and other relevant extra-circular hobbies and activities and work experiences. Don't gloss, just out line them and the implication it have on her experience and knowledge.

Then list out why she want to study in Europe, a brief understanding of the industry there would be a great help. Then out line her studying goals, what topic is of interest to her, it doesn't really matter if she's not interested, just list one or two important ones.

Finish by listing out some attributes and positives of the school that she's applying for.

The important thing to note is that this letter is not a test of her English skill, as an over sea student, she should already have the required ELTS or TOEF score so its an introduction of herself as a person and the school will see if having her as a graduate there is really a good match for the school and herself.

Rillanon.au
Integra
Profile Blog Joined January 2008
Sweden5626 Posts
October 09 2010 19:57 GMT
#19
@Caphe: I'm currently finishing my one year masters in Systemscience in Sweden which belongs to the European education system, the samesystem as the university your friend is trying to apply to. I've helped allot of foreign students on what to think about when writing various academical papers that are bellow P.H.D, like personal letters.

The purpose of a personal letter is not to determine if you have a perfect english, You are not applying for a language class. so don't waste too much time on spelling and grammar. Specially since you are from China applying to another country that's also none-english speaking.

Is the 3000 words requirement the limit for how short the letter can be or simply a recommendation? If it is the latter then you probably should shorten it.

What they will be looking for is motivation, and if you have a interest in the subject you are applying for. To demonstrate this I would write about what I did in my earlier studies and how i felt about it.

Do not make this into a Scientific Essay. This is a personal letter where you try to apply as much personality and emotions in your letter as possible. It's not a bachelor type writeup where you have to go into every little detail and structure it to be as logical as possible.

Unless someone told you to incIude it I would skip the part about possible Master’s thesis topics since you really cannot know this until you gone through most of the Masters courses, if this truly is a 1 year or 2 year program you cannot possible know what you would want until you gone through the courses.

Hope this helps.
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