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So, I'm at some major crossroads. It's a little disorganized trying to piece this all together in text. In six months, I will have completed my degree, and will enter the workforce to get a real job. I currently work part-time for the state, but the position ends in November, which is fine, because I'm starting to hate that job. I currently live with my parents, rent free (spoiled, yet grateful), and my job is 10 minutes from home, so it makes sense to just pile up my money some more. But it's just fucking time to move out. I've got money, I'm a little to old to live at home, and usually stay at my friends' places anyway. I have a good relationship with my parents, but I know they want me to fly out of the nest and these days I do too.
My campus is an hour away, but I've been commuting for quite some time, it hasn't bothered me, and it's still far cheaper for me to commute than to have an apartment near campus. Also, I don't care for the city my college is in, so I have no interest in living there. Even less so now because I will be a part-time student for the next six months, due to those pesky need-this-class-to-graduate-that's-only-offered-once-a-year courses.
So the logical thing to do is start looking for a job in a city that I want to live in, so I can use that job while I build towards a career and snag a job related to my degree, but will probably have to move again depending where the newer job takes me. The backup option, the safest solution is to hang on to my state job, get laid off, collect unemployment for a bit, finish my degree, and leave home when I get a good job based on my degree. My parents are okay with this option, they are comfortable with me hanging around a couple days a week for the next six months if I choose too. I'd save loads more money and not have to move twice within six months, and will have more options for where I want to live and work.
So it seems simple enough: independence today (soon) vs more money tomorrow, yes?
Well... there's a bit of a curveball thrown in my direction... To set up, my best friends all live an hour away -- but in the opposite direction of my campus. But I've backseated friendships before, it's not a big deal... The real issue is my girlfriend also lives in that vicinity. And it's particularly important because, you know, I love her (note: I have not told her this! You'll see why ahead). Like crazy. I've been in some relationships, but practically everything about this one is amazing, we're so hopelessly compatible that it's like living in a poorly written romance novel (the ones without the infidelity of course) (and I say poorly simply because our exploits won't sell a lot of copies). She already brought up that I should move into her place when I'm done with school (rent would also be <300!). She basically said that were it not for school being so far away, I should move in even sooner. High fives for me, because she actually sees herself wanting me around that far from now. Her friends, even my father, simply suggest I find a job in her city before my degree is finished and just live with her and her roommates (who are also my friends), or at the very least, near them before I eventually move in later.
But I am wary of this. Truth to be told, I used to be bad at relationships. They were short-lived or drawn out horribly, and seldom enjoyable. I've gotten a lot better, obviously, but still. I'm also used to women getting tired of me. I believe she loves me today, but I've always seen that women can pull a one-eighty *snap* like that. I don't get tired of people who I'm dating, usually, and man I tell you, I cannot ever get tired of her, it's so weird when you're with someone so amazing and you're actually, like, happy and junk. Due to my paranoia of inadvertently driving her away, I worry that if I'm around too much, that the joy of being with me will lose its luster, that rather than being the guy she waits outside her door for, I'll be the guy that's always there, same old, same old.
I like a little bit of predictability and reliability. The thought of being with her often doesn't bother me, it excites me. But she's a bit more spontaneous, more of a "free spirit," if you will, part of the reason she appeals to me so much. People (including herself) have stated that men have had trouble keeping her interested, but have said (including her) that I'm so great, she's so happy, etc. etc. Sounds good, yes? Well here's my paranoia: am I the guy that's finally going to keep her down to earth, or am I just that guy who's so different that she's just so infatuated with me for the moment that she's thinking in ways that are more-less against her usual mentality (I'm implying that I might be the guy that gets burned because her "free" personality may return no matter what I do [and by free I mean that she might want to be in something serious with someone like me in the future])? These are questions I can't answer at the moment, but it's racking my brain.
Basically, I'm concerned about putting all my eggs in one basket, and this isn't a relationship I'm going to fuck up with any rash decisions. But I also loathe myself for my long-standing history of severe risk aversion,and missed opportunities. Fuck man, part of me just wants to dive in and hope for the best. But the rest of me fears doom! Shall I avoid this problem for now and just stay at home, then deal with the lady friend after graduation? But I really want to move out... And I really want to be near her. And I don't want her to think I don't see us being together in the future, and I don't know whether I need to take a stand for us or whether I need to watch my ever move lest she flee into the night (like those night bunnies). Oh, it fucking sucks when you overanalyze absolutely everything and basically take a lot of joy out of life. I'm trying to stay rational, but it's hard when you're the one in it! Help!
 
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Dive dive dive!
Live your life differently; you'll come to love the freedom. Do it and don't look back.
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Calgary25961 Posts
Tough one. I'm posting not to give you advice but to say I appreciate your struggle. 
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Difficult choice, and I'm not sure of the right answer. But for what it's worth...
I think you should live with her. If you go for it, then things might be great, or they might not. If you don't take that step, apart from upsetting her, you also risk the relationship kind of stagnating, as you are too scared to ever get close to her.
Also, just because you live together, doesn't mean there aren't many ways to keep things fresh. In fact it's easier to go on crazy nights or do 'wild' shit if you can both go back to the same place instead of trekking to separate sides of town.
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Live life, do somthing exciting. You will always regret things, however they turn out, so just do what's awesome.
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Isnt that quote you miss 100% of the shots you dont take reaaaally applicable here?
never live your life wondering what if dude
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On August 19 2010 14:41 MountainDewJunkie wrote:I believe she loves me today
You BELIEVE she loves you ? Are you certain it's not delusion ?
Anyway you should do it I'm not sure your parents would appreciate you missing an opportunity to leave for such a fancy reason.
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A friend of mine and her boyfriend lived together - shared lease, etc. - for well over a year and a half before breaking up in January. It was really ugly and messy for all involved, including the flatmates and mutual friends. (Note that I never met the guy, so I'm only getting one side of the story, and even just knowing and never dating this girl, I don't know how he did it for a week, let alone nearly two years.)
On the other hand, my roommate's girlfriend has been practically living here for the summer, and they went to Montreal for about a week last month. Although by the end of it they were a little sick of each other (being around someone for five days straight, 24 hours, can do that), it seems that the trip improved the rhythm of the relationship. (They are happily watching a movie in the other room as I type this.)
Which is to say that if you have time, try spending consecutive days together. Don't, like, smother each other, but try to get a better idea of what it'd be like living with each other, sleeping in the same bed, etc. I mean, distance is cool, but you're going to need to smell morning breath, see each others' pubes in the drain, and cook together before you're reading to make decisions with life-effecting impact to be together.
Hope that helps.
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Finally, another girl blog. These are usually fun to read.
I say go for it though.
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Don't worry about it. The more you worry about a relationship, the more likely it is to break up. Don't give her the upper hand in power, you know, like if you care about the relationship more than she does then you're losing power. "The one who cares least about the relationship is in control of its direction". Here's some good advice I read a while back by Dave DeAngelo:
+ Show Spoiler +How To "Evict" Your Inner Wussy
HOW TO EVICT YOUR INNER WUSSY...
...OR...
HOW TO STOP DOING THE WRONG THINGS AND START DOING
THE RIGHT THINGS TO ATTRACT MORE WOMEN AND KEEP
THEM ATTRACTED!
I was talking to a good friend of mine a few
nights ago, and he told me an interesting story.
He was walking home recently, when he walked by
a couple who were obviously in an emotional
discussion.
As it turned out, the woman was breaking up
with the man, and he was trying to understand why.
The interchange went something like this:
Her: "I'm not ATTRACTED to you anymore... I just
don't FEEL IT."
Him: "But I would do ANYTHING to make this work...
I'll do anything you want... just tell me what to
do."
Her: "That's the problem. You just don't get it."
...and that was all he heard.
Have you ever been there?
Have you ever had a girlfriend break up with
you, or just drift away, and the more you tried to
hold on, the further she ran from you? And the
more you tried to be a "good guy" and please her,
the more distant she became?
Well, me too. I've been there MORE than once in
my life.
And it ALWAYS SUCKED.
The worst part about it was NEVER UNDERSTANDING
WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON!
I can remember being that guy I just told you
the story about... and asking "Why? Why are you
confused? What do I have to do to make this work?"
I was willing to change, act different, or
whatever.
Little did I know at the time, but it was this
EXACT attitude that led to all the problems in the
first place.
If you've read my newsletters for awhile now,
you probably know that women don't feel the
emotion called ATTRACTION for guys who act weak,
needy, insecure and "WUSS-LIKE".
But unless you know this to begin with, then
it's ALL TOO EASY to become a "nice", overly-
accommodating, uninteresting, predictable, boring
guy... and even though it seems logical that a
woman should love to be treated like a queen at
all times, you've probably found out, just like I
have, that this combination usually leads to a
woman either 1) Leaving you... or 2) Becoming
increasingly controlling, domineering, and
neurotic.
So what's up with that? Why does this happen?
And more importantly, what can we do to avoid
getting into this horrible position of losing a
woman's attention because we're trying to be nice
to her?
Here's my take, after studying this stuff for
many, many years now...
1. ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE.
In other words, we humans don't CHOOSE who we
feel attracted to... and, JUST AS IMPORTANT, who
we DON'T feel attracted to.
ATTRACTION happens for reasons all its own, and
these reasons have evolved inside of us over time.
While culture, peer pressure, and trends can
shape our natural drives slightly, the
FUNDAMENTALS NEVER CHANGE.
2. MEN ARE ATTRACTED MORE TO LOOKS, WOMEN ARE
ATTRACTED MORE TO PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER.
Most men can't believe it, but to a woman your
looks just aren't that important.
Sure, if you don't take care of yourself, don't
bathe, and let two of your front teeth rot out you
might scare away the ladies.
But for the most part, women will look past
just about ANY physical issue if she feels that
all-important emotion called ATTRACTION.
And ATTRACTION is created by your PERSONALITY.
For women, ATTRACTION is triggered by male
qualities like: Dominance, Humor,
Unpredictability, Adventure, Strength, Sexual
Awareness, Indifference, etc.
3. WOMEN AREN'T ATTRACTED TO WUSSIES.
'Nuff said.
4. WOMEN TEST MEN BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.
When a woman begins to feel a romantic
connection with you, she faces an interesting
problem...
How can she tell for sure if your character and
personality are the way you're expressing them?
As we all know, men and women BOTH show off and
exaggerate their "good sides" while downplaying
and hiding their negative traits at first. This is
why men suck-in their guts, brag, and show off...
and why women wear makeup, do their hair, and shop
all day for their clothes.
If you were a woman, and you needed to figure
out if a man was showing you his "true self", how
would you do it?
What if you had to know FOR SURE?
The only way is to TEST on an ongoing basis,
and to keep escalating the tests to be sure.
Put all this together (with a bunch of other
factors that I don't have time to talk about) and
you get an interesting problem that women face...
A woman responds to a man that stirs her
emotions, and causes her to want him so badly that
she'll put aside all logic and reason to be with
him.
But what if the man is just pretending? What if
he only SEEMS to be this confident, funny, manly-
man on the outside, but he's actually a push- over
WUSS-BAG that is insecure and makes up for it by
acting like a tough guy?
Or worse yet, what if he's a WUSS all the time,
and she just happened to settle for him because he
was available and persistent... and she didn't
have anything better going on at the time... but
now she has other options?
Well, these are the kinds of situations, that
when played out, lead to the story that I started
with... a man begging a woman to stay... pleading
with her to explain what he has to do to keep her.
Of course, this is all WUSSY behavior, and it
only serves to put the final nail in the coffin,
convincing the object of your desire that you are
ABSOLUTELY, beyond the shadow of any doubt, a
Wuss.
So what's the answer?
The answer is to NEVER BE THOUGHT OF AS A WUSSY
AGAIN!
If you want to make your dating life a whole
lot better and easier, then stop and think about
your behavior... and resolve right now to stop
acting like a WUSS for the rest of your life.
Being "nice" and "accommodating" and
"understanding" is great for friendships and
social relationships, but it's HORRIBLE for
ATTRACTION.
An interesting, attractive woman doesn't want a
guy that she can push around. She doesn't want a
guy who does what she wants him to do. She doesn't
want a little boy that she can train and raise.
An interesting, attractive woman wants a MAN.
This doesn't make LOGICAL sense, I know. But
it's the truth. These submissive qualities will
only work in attracting a woman IF SHE LIKES
DRESSING UP IN LEATHER AND WHIPPING HER MAN... AND
CHARGING $400.00 AN HOUR!
And my guess is that this isn't the kind of
woman that you're looking for.
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A good thing. Let it ride.
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a person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it
be careful padawan.
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On August 19 2010 17:53 exalted wrote:
a person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it
be careful padawan.
yeah, I'll always meet somebody and think "I'd never want to be friends with them"
and a month later we're hanging out all the time
wtf
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On August 19 2010 15:34 Clipped wrote:Show nested quote +On August 19 2010 14:41 MountainDewJunkie wrote:I believe she loves me today You BELIEVE she loves you ? Are you certain it's not delusion ?
Which is why I said "believe"... I never know what she's thinking! Except when were lying down and I get "the look"... Shazaam!
On August 19 2010 15:33 Divinek wrote:
Isnt that quote you miss 100% of the shots you dont take reaaaally applicable here?
never live your life wondering what if dude
Yeah, I tend to do that...
On August 19 2010 15:40 jon arbuckle wrote:
Which is to say that if you have time, try spending consecutive days together. Don't, like, smother each other, but try to get a better idea of what it'd be like living with each other, sleeping in the same bed, etc. I mean, distance is cool, but you're going to need to smell morning breath, see each others' pubes in the drain, and cook together before you're reading to make decisions with life-effecting impact to be together.
Hope that helps.
Great advice. Truth to be told, we've actually been doing this, more-less, since we started dating. We usually spend a few days together at a time, nights included, before we have to go back to work and classes and whatnot. We've done the day's worth of random errands, the nature walks, the house cleaning, the bars, and camping. We were both pleased to find that we weren't getting tired of each other at all. Hence the fuzzy feelings. Hmm, ahh you have given me some optimism!
On August 19 2010 16:51 Pineapple wrote:Don't worry about it. The more you worry about a relationship, the more likely it is to break up. Don't give her the upper hand in power, you know, like if you care about the relationship more than she does then you're losing power. "The one who cares least about the relationship is in control of its direction". Here's some good advice I read a while back by Dave DeAngelo: + Show Spoiler +How To "Evict" Your Inner Wussy
HOW TO EVICT YOUR INNER WUSSY...
...OR...
HOW TO STOP DOING THE WRONG THINGS AND START DOING
THE RIGHT THINGS TO ATTRACT MORE WOMEN AND KEEP
THEM ATTRACTED!
I was talking to a good friend of mine a few
nights ago, and he told me an interesting story.
He was walking home recently, when he walked by
a couple who were obviously in an emotional
discussion.
As it turned out, the woman was breaking up
with the man, and he was trying to understand why.
The interchange went something like this:
Her: "I'm not ATTRACTED to you anymore... I just
don't FEEL IT."
Him: "But I would do ANYTHING to make this work...
I'll do anything you want... just tell me what to
do."
Her: "That's the problem. You just don't get it."
...and that was all he heard.
Have you ever been there?
Have you ever had a girlfriend break up with
you, or just drift away, and the more you tried to
hold on, the further she ran from you? And the
more you tried to be a "good guy" and please her,
the more distant she became?
Well, me too. I've been there MORE than once in
my life.
And it ALWAYS SUCKED.
The worst part about it was NEVER UNDERSTANDING
WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON!
I can remember being that guy I just told you
the story about... and asking "Why? Why are you
confused? What do I have to do to make this work?"
I was willing to change, act different, or
whatever.
Little did I know at the time, but it was this
EXACT attitude that led to all the problems in the
first place.
If you've read my newsletters for awhile now,
you probably know that women don't feel the
emotion called ATTRACTION for guys who act weak,
needy, insecure and "WUSS-LIKE".
But unless you know this to begin with, then
it's ALL TOO EASY to become a "nice", overly-
accommodating, uninteresting, predictable, boring
guy... and even though it seems logical that a
woman should love to be treated like a queen at
all times, you've probably found out, just like I
have, that this combination usually leads to a
woman either 1) Leaving you... or 2) Becoming
increasingly controlling, domineering, and
neurotic.
So what's up with that? Why does this happen?
And more importantly, what can we do to avoid
getting into this horrible position of losing a
woman's attention because we're trying to be nice
to her?
Here's my take, after studying this stuff for
many, many years now...
1. ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE.
In other words, we humans don't CHOOSE who we
feel attracted to... and, JUST AS IMPORTANT, who
we DON'T feel attracted to.
ATTRACTION happens for reasons all its own, and
these reasons have evolved inside of us over time.
While culture, peer pressure, and trends can
shape our natural drives slightly, the
FUNDAMENTALS NEVER CHANGE.
2. MEN ARE ATTRACTED MORE TO LOOKS, WOMEN ARE
ATTRACTED MORE TO PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER.
Most men can't believe it, but to a woman your
looks just aren't that important.
Sure, if you don't take care of yourself, don't
bathe, and let two of your front teeth rot out you
might scare away the ladies.
But for the most part, women will look past
just about ANY physical issue if she feels that
all-important emotion called ATTRACTION.
And ATTRACTION is created by your PERSONALITY.
For women, ATTRACTION is triggered by male
qualities like: Dominance, Humor,
Unpredictability, Adventure, Strength, Sexual
Awareness, Indifference, etc.
3. WOMEN AREN'T ATTRACTED TO WUSSIES.
'Nuff said.
4. WOMEN TEST MEN BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.
When a woman begins to feel a romantic
connection with you, she faces an interesting
problem...
How can she tell for sure if your character and
personality are the way you're expressing them?
As we all know, men and women BOTH show off and
exaggerate their "good sides" while downplaying
and hiding their negative traits at first. This is
why men suck-in their guts, brag, and show off...
and why women wear makeup, do their hair, and shop
all day for their clothes.
If you were a woman, and you needed to figure
out if a man was showing you his "true self", how
would you do it?
What if you had to know FOR SURE?
The only way is to TEST on an ongoing basis,
and to keep escalating the tests to be sure.
Put all this together (with a bunch of other
factors that I don't have time to talk about) and
you get an interesting problem that women face...
A woman responds to a man that stirs her
emotions, and causes her to want him so badly that
she'll put aside all logic and reason to be with
him.
But what if the man is just pretending? What if
he only SEEMS to be this confident, funny, manly-
man on the outside, but he's actually a push- over
WUSS-BAG that is insecure and makes up for it by
acting like a tough guy?
Or worse yet, what if he's a WUSS all the time,
and she just happened to settle for him because he
was available and persistent... and she didn't
have anything better going on at the time... but
now she has other options?
Well, these are the kinds of situations, that
when played out, lead to the story that I started
with... a man begging a woman to stay... pleading
with her to explain what he has to do to keep her.
Of course, this is all WUSSY behavior, and it
only serves to put the final nail in the coffin,
convincing the object of your desire that you are
ABSOLUTELY, beyond the shadow of any doubt, a
Wuss.
So what's the answer?
The answer is to NEVER BE THOUGHT OF AS A WUSSY
AGAIN!
If you want to make your dating life a whole
lot better and easier, then stop and think about
your behavior... and resolve right now to stop
acting like a WUSS for the rest of your life.
Being "nice" and "accommodating" and
"understanding" is great for friendships and
social relationships, but it's HORRIBLE for
ATTRACTION.
An interesting, attractive woman doesn't want a
guy that she can push around. She doesn't want a
guy who does what she wants him to do. She doesn't
want a little boy that she can train and raise.
An interesting, attractive woman wants a MAN.
This doesn't make LOGICAL sense, I know. But
it's the truth. These submissive qualities will
only work in attracting a woman IF SHE LIKES
DRESSING UP IN LEATHER AND WHIPPING HER MAN... AND
CHARGING $400.00 AN HOUR!
And my guess is that this isn't the kind of
woman that you're looking for.
Oh the shame of it all! I am totally over-accomodating. Always have been. It's even worse now because I actually care about this girl, so of course I'm making more of an effort to please her. This is why I worry that she'll eventually just get tired of me, because women, do indeed, drop wussies. So basically, you're saying: go for it, but know how to not fuck it up. Yes... yes this is quite good. Of course I'm actually very bad at being, how he put, "A MAN," because I'm either too much of a wuss, or waaaaay to big of a jackass, so in the end, I always lose the girl. I must discover my happy median to facilitate the means to keep the relationship going in the long run...
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EPT
