omg yey bee day, here's some goodies

Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty

This is the sc2 plot, taken directly from Blizzard's computers. My highly advanced trojan, cockbutt42.exe, lifted this information from employee e-mails that were using Outlook Express. Did Valve's blunder teach no one?!

The game starts off with Raynor and a bunch of characters who are deceptively interesting onboard his battle-worn vessel, the Hyperion. in reality though you'll get pretty bored of everyone by the fifth mission except for Matt Horner, who is a real Horner and will constantly make suggestive comments to you throughout the campaign until he's killed by his ex-fiance, Tassadar. But more into that later.

You'll spend about ten missions doing mundane boring bullshit to bring stupid people up to speed with how to play RTS games, like building a fleet of battlecruisers to kill a lone Corsair and defending some backwater town from zombies because "it's the right thing to do". After all, Raynor is a rebel against the Dominion who is the sole shred of salvation for these doe-eyed slack-jawed cocksuckers in the middle of nowhere because the white businessman in a suit is still keeping the black man down and the dominion is evil and full of h8 and Raynor's gotta rebel because being a rebel is cool. Didn't school ever teach you anything?

Anyways, suddenly Zeratul shows up and this sets the main plot in motion. He boldly announces that the ARTIFACTS, the glowng green Black Temple raiding gear you've been nicking from various Protoss who conveniently acquired them from thin air, are the KEY to the END OF ALL THINGS, and that the XEL`NAGA have RETURNED. Now, don't get the Xel`Naga and Seraphim all mixed up. Yes, they're both alien races who tried to enlighten people and got shot/turned away by trigger-happy retards and they're both now uncharacteristically angry and hateful and have turned into machines of DEATH DEATH DEATH with terrible voice acting and super-cliche bullshit orbiting around them like your neighbor's TV, but that doesn't matter because it's a Blizzard game and Blizzard writers never make bad stories EVER.

Also, Zeratul's kind of beat up because he decided to go on his own lone wolf style and solo'd a bunch of hydras and had mad, raving sex with Kerrigan inside some random tunnel. He'd like to tell Raynor about the HYBRIDS and DURAN'S SECRET BUDDIES but he doesn't want to lay it too thick on Raynor's shoulders as he's still recovering from Horner's latest come-on which is quite possibly the sickest and most disgusting move the scrawny gringo has made yet.

So while Raynor is twiddling his thumbs sitting on the mountain of cash that is the ARTIFACTS THAT ARE THE KEY TO THE END OF ALL THINGS he's gotta make an important moral decision and this is where Metzen's genius and originality finally plays in. Does he sacrifice his potential money for the good of the universe or make a pretty penny on the White Market? (Remember, Dominion hates blacks, see: sc1)

Well, you already know the answer to that!

After Raynor sells the artifacts to Tassadar he buys himself a BRAND NEW BATTLECROOZER. Much to his dismay, however, Horner's been sleeping around so much that everyone likes him instead and now he's in command because he's turned the Hyperion's crew of 12 into brainwashed zombies. Ever wondered how the Hyperion's interior consisted of mostly robots or greasy rejects? That's because his zombie cock ate them all! What a dick. So now we get to play one of those extremely boring and irritating installation map missions where Raynor has to break out of his prison cell and seal all 42 of the ship's waste disposal vats that the Protoss conveniently left full before they explode and kill us all! But just as he's manually sealing the last vat a horrible Fecal Demon appears and we enter Blizzard's new BRILLIANT Boss Battle engine! It's a turn-based fight where Raynor can choose the options "Oppress" or "Abscond". "Oppress" allows him to bludgeon the Fecal Demon with the only hard object immediately available: his cock. "Abscond" allows him to pray to whatever Gods he worships (probably a big turtle) and hope the demon doesn't clobber him with a nearby tire iron.

After you've defeated the Fecal Demon, which Horner somehow managed to witness from the ship's only functional camera, he is so impressed by your bravery and valor that he concedes control of the Rebel Fleet back to Raynor. Meanwhile, Zeratul recovers in the Hyperion's sick bay - Kerrigan's high heels fuckin' hurt mang - and he discovers that Raynor had, in fact, sold all of the ARTIFACTS which are the KEY TO THE END OF ALL THINGS. Zeratul really, REALLY hates the Protoss, which is why he went all lone-wolf and encouraged Raynor to kill other Protoss to retrieve the ARTIFACTS which are THE KEY TO THE END OF ALL THINGS, but this is downright INFURIATING. DON'T THOSE STUPID HICKS KNOW THAT THE ARTIFACTS ARE THE KEY TO THE END OF ALL THINGS!?. Zeratul knows there's only one way to steer this train away from the broken bridge - make another GRIM, FORBIDDING SPEECH. So, he swims across space to the neighboring vessel, the Anal Ranger, and pops in through a random airlock JUST as Raynor is about to give his INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH to his surviving crew of 5 (Tychus dies to random decompression in the X-303 hangar, poor guy). Zeratul's GRIM, FORBIDDING SPEECH is SUPER EFFECTIVE and 2 of the remaining crew members to become afflicted with DEPRESSION. This quickly spirals into ANGER and they begin smashing things, ripping off their clothes, and babbling crazily until they are sealed in the lower half of the ship and largely forgotten about.

The sexual tension between Horner, the last surviving crew member (some nobody named Bob) and Raynor reaches a climax just as Zeratul demands that Raynor retrieves the artifacts from Tassadar. But Raynor's gotta ask - isn't Tassadar dead?

"No!" exclaims Zeratul, "He was just playing dead. Well, feigning, actually. It's a Hunter ability. You gotta keep kicking him when he's down. Besides, this is a Blizzard game. No one stays dead. Even now, Mensgk is making a new Overmind to try to wrestle control from Kerrigan so he can get her right where he wants her - in his bathroom! His bedroom is a bit too Victorian for his tastes."

With this revelation, and a threatening gaze from Zeratul's sidekick (yeah he has a sidekick, some tard named Fenix, but no one gives a shit about him), Raynor reluctantly agrees to hunt down Tassadar and take back the ARTIFACTS which are THE KEY TO THE END OF ALL THINGS with FORCE because no one ever asks nicely in this DARK and GRIM world where EVERYONE ONLY KNOWS WAR.

As it turns out, Tassadar has unlocked the key of power TO THE END OF ALL THINGS, and goes super-saiyan, transforming into RAPMASTADAR. Bewildered by the intense beats of this new foe, Raynor opts to "go it alone" and uses a drop pod to descend upon RAPMASTADAR's secret mountain fortress. He fights tooth and claw for every bit of space, mysteriously rendered INDESTRUCTIBLE by his HERO FLAG which gives him 99% damage mitigation, just like in Warcraft 3! As Raynor bludgeons his way through the Eldar, he discovers that some Protoss have ALSO rebelled, absolutely terrified by RAPMASTADAR's taste in music, and they JOIN FORCES with Raynor but ultimately die pointless boring deaths because no one GIVES A FUCK about sub characters.

Just as Raynor and RAPMASTADAR butt uglies on the pinnacle of Mount Doom during a lightning storm, Wings of Liberty ends with a TO BE CONTINUED... which is Blizzard's way of saying "GIVE US ANOTHER 100 DOLLARS TO WATCH THESE TWO FAGGOTS HUMP EACH OTHER TO THE BEAT OF SLIM SHADY WITH FIRE."

Predictably, the depravity doesn't end there.

Starcraft: Wrath of the Rap King

As soon as the new campaign begins, boasting 30 more missions of robust THRILLING gameplay, RAPMASTADAR makes a daring ape escape off of the side of the mountain. Raynor exclaims, "Drats!" and retrieves the artifacts which RAPMASTADAR had gold-chromed for some mysterious reason. Zeratul warns Raynor that they haven't seen the end of RAPMASTADAR yet, he's really a SECRET AGENT and he only killed the Overmind because it bettered his own personal, devious plans, and helping the Protoss was secondary to his SECRET MISSION. But that doesn't matter because now Raynor has a number of the ARTIFACTS with are the KEY TO THE END OF ALL THINGS.

Just as we're about to discover what exactly they do, the perspective switches to the Zerg, and now KERRIGAN is our new heroine. The campaign takes place 20 years in the future, because that's how long it takes for these ancient jump drives to do anything and Blizzard didn't have the voice acting constitution to make 6,000 lines of dialogue for Kerrigan bitching about how Zeratul used her, how he's such a bully, how you can't treat women that way (why it bothers her who knows), and how the authorities will rend his anus with a spatula. Anyways, she arrives back on the volcanic world of Chair, where her SECRET DEVIOUS PLANS have been set in motion for quite some time. However, she has an uninvited guest! Some strange Protoss baffoon calling himself RAPMASTADAR has landed on Chair and somehow managed to amass quite the fleet of Carriers. Here players are introduced to a stunning new game mechanic only available in Starcraft 2: Wrath of the Rap King - BASE CONSTRUCTION. The Zerg can build two exciting buildings - Creep Colonies and Evolution Chambers. Creep Colonies spread Purple Gooey Shit everywhere that Kerrigan doesn't really know much about but thinks is pretty, so as a side objective each and every Zerg mission demands you to cover entire planets in Purple Gooey Shit. This takes a while because it takes several months to fully gestate - this is where the campaign's playtime is really derived from! Anyways, Kerrigan has you do this because she thinks of the galaxy as her "garden", and the Purple Gooey Shit makes planets, moons, and stars look like pretty little flowers. She is a girl, after all!

Anyways, after you ruthlessly humiliate RAPMASTADAR by bludgeoning his fleet with the most inefficient anti-air unit EVER, the Corrupter, he makes a daring ape escape off the side of a molten pit of lava and vanishes in a puff of phat beats and confusing lyrics. Alone again, Kerrigan feels this sense of DREAD because she has no one to GOSSIP to! Another exciting new mechanic in the Starcraft 2: Wrath of the Rap King campaign is the amazing and ingenius "Insanity Meter"! Kerrigan must regularly Gossip, buy new High-Heels (which also directly contribute to her ATTACK, AGILITY, MOBILITY, DEXTERITY, MOTION, SPEED, and DAMAGE values), and polish her nails. If she fails to achieve of any of these tasks or, worse yet, suffers a CRITICAL FAILURE (such as breaking a nail accidentally), she'll FLIP OUT and kill EVERYONE in a sea of high-pitched screeching. It's a very careful balancing act - spreading Gooey Purple Shit and managing the Insanity Meter! Players will be challenged to their fullest.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about Evolution Chambers. They contain upgrades for your units that are unlocked every time you spread Gossip. As it turns out, Kerrigan didn't really feel very secured surrounded by so many pointy, menacing rabid beasts, so she's slowly doing her best to make the world a better place by child-proofing all of the sharp edges and forcing the Zerg to adhere to some form of personal hygiene. That's why Terran buildings are all smooth and child-proofed now - her Gossip for child-proofing hard edges came from Mengsk himself, and he doesn't even know! Dumbass. So, anyways, Kerrigan can upgrade the Zerg to become more pretty and cute, which will raise your DIPLOMACY statistic. You also need to worry about the PUBLIC RELATIONS, PUBLIC IMAGE, and PUBLIC SERVICE stats, but these upgrades don't effect those. You'll need a third building, the Ovulating Mass of Purple Gooey Shit, which is unlocked at the very last mission of the campaign. Until then everyone hates your guts! Probably has to do with (failing at) killing several critical characters in the Starcraft universe (which are totally original characters btw), like Dukie, Phenix, and Raynor.

Kerrigan is still secretly in love with Raynor. Ever since she got that psychic feedback of him picturing himself rubbing those smooth buttocks - Ghost outfits are intentionally revealing to give males a false sense of security; yes, even from other males - she's had a secret crush on him. But she can't let anyone know! If anyone heard that she had a crush on him no one would ever be able to take him seriously anymore! She knows all about his self-righteous crusade to save the weak and innocent from Mneskg's TERRIBLE TYRANNY, which is just him being a misguided doofus, but that's what makes him so attractive! He has a heart of gold, and her end-game is to get him in bed with her!

Oh, and she also knows about Mengsk's fascination with her, too, but she isn't into older men. She's more of a cougar.

So while you're getting used to the whole balancing act of the Insanity Meter and spreading Purple Gooey Shit where ever you go (your first order of business is to retake several arbitrary space platforms from the grimy hands of the Protoss, which Kerrigan has nicknamed the Pooptoss because she hates their guts) you're suddenly bombarded with an ALERT MESSAGE! RAPMASTADAR has returned! He announces that his defeat on Chair's surface and some other planet she's never heard of before were merely setbacks! He's back, and he's grafted a gigantic boom box onto his back.

Now's an important time to mention that you're playing as an Overlord, one of those fluffy flying squishy guys that are usually subject to the business end of a Corsair or Valkyrie if certain individuals are feeling especially angsty. RAPMASTADAR is quick to point out the deadly capabilities of his device - sound waves do travel through space, you know! - and liquifies an entire swarm right before your attennae! Kerrigan sends you on a lone wolf mission to assassinate RAPMASTADAR before he can build whatever the hell it is he's trying to build using these arbitrary platforms! Luckily, you can just fall on him and it'll crush every bone in his body. He uses his personal teleporter - one of his teeth - to escape just before you can fall on him a second time and finish the job. Cursing to yourself, you return to your mistress and resume your duties as sex slave.

After a few mundane missions of spreading Purple Gooey Shit and managing the Insanity Meter, Kerrigan has an epiphany - we really aren't alone in the universe! She is overcome with a sense of dread, and suddenly the HYBRIDS show up! They're basically reskinned defilers that cast Psionic Storm. Well, a Psionic Storm that doesn't suck balls like the Protoss version in sc2 that Bluzzard felt like nerfing into the ground because they didn't like players being able to get that kind of effectiveness out of a spell that required more than pressing a single button to use. Sc2 is intended to be very friendly to CASUAL PLAYERS who aren't as intelligent as real people. That's why you can only build two buildings - any more would put too much strain on their tiny brains.

After effortlessly crushing the Hybrids beneath your new secret weapon - mass Overlords - Kerrigan decides it's time to figure out why she has this feeling of dread. She sends you off to harvest ARTIFACTS which she has a suspicioun that perhaps could be the KEY TO THE END OF ALL THINGS. Although you consider this silly you don't really have much choice and spend about 10 missions ruthlessly slaughtering protoss that have these mysterious Xel`Naga artifacts. Kerrigan decides to make a giant flower effigy out of them.

That's when RAPMASTADAR returns and announces that his defeat at the arbitrary platforms was merely a setback, and he kicks over her effigy and jumps up and down on it while screaming at the top of his lungs. He then reveals his latest gadget - a cybernetic skeleton to replace the one you brutally butchered. This also includes a gigantic, robotic cock. At first Kerrigan is uncertain what to do - the cock is really tempting, but then she remembers that Protoss are actually plants - well, were plants, RAPMASTADAR is kind of an abomination at this point - and the kind of gossip that would result from such a concoction would be horrible. So, instead, she has you drop one of the platforms on his head. Incidentally, this also breaks all of the artifacts which then EXPLODE!

What follows is a two-hour "escape!" mission where you must escape Chair before it explodes. You do this by catapulting Ultralisks at the sun until you melt enough of them to create a gigantic gooey mess that must somehow get drawn back into the planet's gravity well and create a mountain of Ultralisk remains that you can climb into space on. Judging by the e-mails, catapulting ultralisks is a difficult but entertaining task.

After the planet explodes and you are chilling out in your giant ball of smelly Ultralisk goo, Kerrigan gains a level up and acquires a new skill: Flirt. It was a skill she once had but forgot but now she has it again. Immediately she wants to use the skill on Raynor to swindle him. However, she can't really find him, so she figures it's best just to slaughter every Terran in sight until you find him. That's pretty much the rest of the Zerg campaign until the very end. In the last mission the Xel`Naga appear in their glowing green bullshit and are like "PREPARE TO DIE YOU FUCKING MISTAKE OF NATURE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and go pew pew and blow up a few of your Overlords. But it's okay because the AI in sc2 is really stupid and you can just throw a few lings at their workers and all is well in the end. It's RAPMASTADAR you've gotta worry about, 'cuz he shows up again, this time in a SEWPAH BATTAL CARRIOR that fires pink nucks. Don't even try to blow it up - you'll need to use DIPLOMACY. Basically you get to run around this gigantic set of 50 maps trying to find Raynor's two mangled battlecruisers and use DIPLOMACY on them. Their position is randomized and if DIPLOMACY fails you lose. All the while RAPMASTADAR is chasing you around in his SEWPAH BATTAL CARRIOR. Successful DIPLOMACY roll causes the campaign to end with TO BE CONTINUED...

Starcraft 2: The Great Sacrifice

In every single Blizzard game/story there's always a sacrifice. Well, the last campaign is only 1 mission long but it's still 20 hours gametime. Zeratul decides that it's probably a good idea to call up his buddies from Shakuras who, unlike Terran and Zerg, aren't running shitty jump drives and just pop out of a wormhole and are like "sup". Well, they die in about five seconds to RAPMASTADAR's super carrier so they're useless anyway. The rest of the game is spent watching Raynor sacrifice himself for the greater good by ramming the Anal Ranger into RAMPASTADAR's SEWPAH BATTAL CARRIOR. Zeratul doesn't want any part of this martyr bullshit but all of the airlocks on the ship are heat sealed by entering the carrier's atmosphere so he can't escape, and he dies, too.

The end!