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teaser on my story

Blogs > Ahseyo
Post a Reply
Ahseyo
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Sweden80 Posts
July 11 2010 12:49 GMT
#1
Okay, this is basically just a small teaser of chapter 1. I will try to make a edited version as soon as I can but I'm a bit lazy now so you probably have to wait. Oh, and this is getting copyrighted so don't get anny funny ideas.

Chapter 1

1

I have questions that need to be answered. I might never know IF they even will be answered. But I know I have to go away for a long time to search for it.

Those were the last words I heard from brother before he vanished. I have never seen him again since them, nor have anyone it seems. I don't know if he is still alive or if he is dead. No one seems to have heard of him either and people come passing by now and then everyday.

The weather was gloomy. There was kind of an depressing feeling upon the city and the people who lived there. A new disease was spreading around and everyone felt down. people were dying everyday because of the disease.
"Brother... Where are you?" the girl was lying in her bed. The symbol on her forehead was growing more and more lighter after each passing day. It was shining up the whole room now. The rain poured down like needles on the window but it was large and catched up only a small amount of the sound the rain gave. The girl turned around in her bed and coughed violently.

"Mother..." she whispered.

"Leila, you know we can't do anything about it. We have been researching as much as we can but the disease doesn't seem to have any kind of weakness. And to tell you the truth, you're only making your daughter suffer more when you give her the medication. You know it can only give her strength under a short period of time. Why are you keeping up with this?" the voice said through the phone. The woman named Leila sat and cried in the kitchen. Everything seemed so dark and gray today. She had dark, long hair that went all the way to her waist and she had a flat face that made her look younger than she really was.
"What the hell should I do?" she cried in to the phone.
"I-I'm sorry, Leila... I got to go, they wanted me to deposit my report so they could continue the research. I promise to figure it out, Leila!" he said.
"What's the point when her faith is to die already?" Leila asked.
"Keep strong. We will save everyone that is already affected" the man said.
"Thanks" Leila said and hung up. She wiped the tears away and went up to check on her daugther.
"Liza, are you okay?" she asked. Her daughter, Liza was pale and caughed violently.
Blood came out of her mouth as she coughed.
"Liza!" she yelled and ran to her daughter.
"I'm sorry, mother..." she said.
"Shh, it's okay..." Leila said. Liza smiled. The colour of her eyes started to fade away.
"Thanks for everything you've done" Liza said before she closed her eyes. Then her body shifted and she calmed down.
"Why her!?" she cried out.


2

"Are you ready?" The voice asked through the microphone.
"No. Let's do this" the man said and opened the door.
"We have the guards placed around sector four and six, and have surrounded all areas from five to thirteen." the voice in the microphone said.
"Are you sure you aren't sure of this, Alex?" the voice asked.
"Yes. I have the gun in my hand and ready to shoot the fucking target. Now, tell me to go instead before I fucking shoot myself in the leg" Alex said. Sweat was running down his forehead. The apartment hall was dark and there was little light.
"Are you sure I can't turn on the lights?" Alex asked.
"Yes, they know of the plan. You need to make as little noise as possible. And besides, you have your men following you both from your back and just above you." the voice said. Alex looked around and walked up the stairs. He tried to avoid falling or making any kind of noise as he took each step with caution.
"If I'll ever get out of this alive, I will sell all my corporations to that hobo living on the other side of the street" Alex said.
He counted the numbers of the doors that were each in opposite way up the stairs.
"425 was it, right?" he asked through the microphone.
"Yes... You're almost there now, up and to the right. Then quickly in and shoot him and make sure he does not get out alive" the voice said. Alex nodded and continued up. He started to run, then pushed the door open.
He pointed the gun at a man's stomach. He had almost no hair and had green eyes. Sweat was running down his forehead and he smelled alot of Weed.
"Fuck you" Alex said and fired.

3

"Are you serious!? Did he fucking do it?" the three men sat and smoked in a building. One of them coughed; he was bald and had a big tatoo on his back.
"Yeah, he did it. I can't belive he actually did it; I thought he was going to act like a pussy and bail the last minute. Guess we have to find a new boss" one of the men said.
"Don't tell Troy about it. He'll go fucking nuts and trash this place before we even know about it" one of the men said. They were sitting in a dark room that was faintly lit. One of the men rose from his place.
"Okay, let's go, we only have a few hours left before they shut down this place and Troy finds the shit out. We need to come up with a plan and that is fast" he said and left. The other two men looked at their ciggarets.
"Do you feel anything?" one of them asked.
"No, and it's awesome" the other one said. Then they both burst in to a great laugther.

*
"Luck isn't some kind of mystical energy that floats around in the universe, randomly discards people with satisfaction and joy. You create your own luck" Jay-Z
SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4016 Posts
July 11 2010 17:43 GMT
#2
Riddled with errors man
Moderator@SirJolt
baller
Profile Blog Joined March 2006
527 Posts
July 11 2010 17:56 GMT
#3
r u going 2 be an author? how old r u?

don't listen 2 the haters, u can achieve ur dreams if u work hard enough

u should probably translate this story back into swedish b4 submitting it to publishing though
SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4016 Posts
July 11 2010 18:03 GMT
#4
You should probably edit things like this first, it's hard to get a good impression of your writing when I feel like I should be correcting as I read.

Otherwise, I liked it.

+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]
Moderator@SirJolt
YPang
Profile Blog Joined April 2007
United States4024 Posts
July 11 2010 18:10 GMT
#5
On July 12 2010 02:56 baller wrote:
r u going 2 be an author? how old r u?

don't listen 2 the haters, u can achieve ur dreams if u work hard enough

u should probably translate this story back into swedish b4 submitting it to publishing though

It's better to actually get the plot written out first before doing grammer checks. Why fix so many punctuation errors if you're just gonna change it anyways?
sMi.Gladstone | BW: B high| SC2: gold T_T
Atom Cannister
Profile Blog Joined April 2009
Germany380 Posts
July 11 2010 22:22 GMT
#6
On July 12 2010 03:03 SirJolt wrote:
You should probably edit things like this first, it's hard to get a good impression of your writing when I feel like I should be correcting as I read.

Otherwise, I liked it.

+ Show Spoiler +
[image loading]


We may be friends, but you are such an asshole sometimes.
...
Ahseyo
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Sweden80 Posts
July 12 2010 07:48 GMT
#7
Sorry I knew it had great flaws. I was kinda stoned when I wrote on this(I blame it all on the heat, man) and it was a while since I wrote seriously. I'm getting myself up again, so you'll see another chapter soon You don't get better without practice, ya'know? I've slacked off the reading too >_< I hate the summers sometimes.
"Luck isn't some kind of mystical energy that floats around in the universe, randomly discards people with satisfaction and joy. You create your own luck" Jay-Z
SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4016 Posts
July 12 2010 10:03 GMT
#8
As long as you read more you should find your writing tightens up on its own. That's something too many people don't seem to realise. The other thing is that you should never be afraid to look at what you have have and, if you don't like something, just scrap it... too many writers get very attached to things that they probably shouldn't
Moderator@SirJolt
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