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As seen on http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=129481
Man, I'm 21 and I've been going through the same deal as you for the past few months now. Sure, I may have had a thought or two in these realms when I was 17 or so, but really, I had NO IDEA what I'd be going through in my late 20th year up to right about now. Let me tell you, life is harder when you're a virgin in a society that expects you to lose it before you graduate high school. Being in college with more open-minded people than not helped me let go of my (born and raised) Christian beliefs for good.
Sure, I toyed with the idea that there wasn't a god, but as life wore on I found that there's a third option that I've come to agree with more than religion or atheism. And that is spirituality. It's one thing to say there's no god, it's completely another to say there is a god and he favors you because you pray to a specific prophet (beware of false ones), but I've found it quite intellectually fulfilling to just take the universe for what it is: beautiful, alive, and continuous. I highly recommend you have morals in your life, but that doesn't mean you have to drink someone's blood every Sunday and say remember Jesus as your savior once every five minutes in order to live in paradise. The Bible is meant to be taken non-literally, by the way. You can actually gain a lot of knowledge about the world if you read it that way.
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I'd argue against using cannabis. Cannabis intensifies any mood you are currently in and if you are rather sad it will simply make it worse. Believe me from personal experience.
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I was just quoting a song
I never did drugs when I was younger, with the exception of drinking, but I would if I could do it over again. If you have the will power and control to not do anything stupid and stay away from hard drugs, I believe drugs open up a lot of doors to curbing adolescent depression.
HOWEVER, most kids really can't handle nor understand the responsibility behind doing any sort of drug. They often times get behind on responsibilities and go overboard with them.
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I tend to agree with these two. Cannabis helped me recognize my own spiritual beliefs as valid and possible. At one point I even believed that the universe was simply a large organism trying to get by in its own little world. Now I just believe in unity. There are drugs that can help you understand more about yourself if you use them with respect. I'm not saying you should go toke up outside or stay high for the rest of your life. But every once in a while certainly can't be a bad thing.
Actually, along with my existential crisis, I had to stop hanging out with my small group of college friends several months ago. This small group had already been made smaller due to my use of cannabis, though I was getting to the level in the underground communities where new doors were opening up and I would've probably been popular in a few short weeks. However, because of my lacking social ability when it came to women, my small group of friends actually sat me down at a beer/weed party and told me that I should stop waiting to come out of the closet, because it would be better for me if I had my sexual orientation out in the open.
Let me tell you, I was pissed. I'm straight, by the way. I told my roommate's disrespectful girlfriend to strip then and there and then we'd see who's gay. I couldn't even get away from them because I was drunk. I later moved out of my apartment early, basically screwed my roommate and longtime friend into having to pay the full rent and also into having to buy dishes for the kitchen (sob sob), and also stopped hanging out with that group of friends. And that's how I quit smoking.
Basically, I hate having been so damn sheltered in high school. No one ever pressured me to get a girlfriend until college, so it was seldom that I had one in high school. I think I was more interested in getting a higher level in some RPG than trying to get involved with females. It's not like it helped that my mom switched the channel and said "eww, gross!!!!" every time something even remotely seductive (shampoo commercials? COME ON!) came on the tv.
It's much more important to go through an existential crisis at a young age than it is being fucking ignorant. I know you didn't need my life story and I know no one gives a shit about some loser on the internet (me), but perhaps it will help you get through your dark time. I feel that my crisis took a hell of a lot longer because it was triggered by me gaining 100% independence (irresponsibility), losing the friends I hung out with 99% of the time (isolation), and recognizing how late I am in losing my virginity (low self-esteem) -- all at the same time. It would have been nicer to deal with those things individually, but life kicks us all in the ass sometimes, right?
It's ending though, the crisis that is, thank... me? Yes, thank ME for having the balls to man up. I'll let you know how I turn out.
 
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Why didn't you just post this as a response in his thread, since that's what it is? Why make a new thread? Anyway though, I think the worst part about experiencing this at a young age is that you begin to overanalyze the purpose of everything you do in life. Maybe by getting a bit more passive instead of aggressively going after your dreams/passions. You tend to see the big picture of things which just makes you be more lax about life.
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You're not the only one brother. I too lost many friends recently (bullshit drama) and have to deal with isolation and a whole host of personal issues that threw my life into utter chaos and desolation. Suicide crosses my mind on a regular basis.
You know what though, we're both OK. Don't learn life from TV shows. Grow on your own schedule and walk your own path, this is the only way through life.
Fuck all the haters. You are the only one who will be with you through your whole life.
/e-hug nohomo etc
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GrayArea: I decided to start a blog and also respond to the thread with this post. I tend to FEEL more passive about my life now than I did before, but I'm definitely taking action to change myself.
snotboogie: Thanks for your post, it's nice to know someone else is as isolated as I am right now. I lost my friends because I put my foot down and stopped hanging out with them, because they were assholes for harboring their beliefs about me for so long. So I guess you could say it's SELF-isolation. By the way, man, I've been through a suicidal period of time in my life previous to this disaster, and the best thing I have for you about that is (if you want it): you're still young. Suicide doesn't solve anything. And if you actually kill yourself, your future self (yes, you have a future) will be disappointed. So make your future self happy by letting it live its life.
I totally agree about the "You are the only one who will be with you through your whole life. " Completely. If I knew you in real life I'd throw some cannabis your way. Or a beer. Or something. Thanks for the hug, btw. You know what? Meditation has helped me a lot recently. If you're really stressed out and you just need to relax and let everything go, meditation is a hell of a lot better than feeling down. Plus, it gives you energy, like red bull. If you're interested in that, I recommend evernewjoy dot net. Once you get past his initial appearance, if that turns you away, you'll find he's very scientific in his explanation, and very spiritual in his beliefs. One of the things he emphasizes is the idea that the world needs more touch. So that hug really meant a lot to me. Keep it real brother.
Edit: You know, writing it down like this really makes me feel like I'm on the right track. I just wanted to point this part out again
it was triggered by me gaining 100% independence (irresponsibility), losing the friends I hung out with 99% of the time (isolation), and recognizing how late I am in losing my virginity (low self-esteem) -- all at the same time
So the three "problem areas" are irresponsibility, isolation, and low self-esteem. And you know what? Those three things have actually been improving all at once. It's not just being able to wake up at the same time every day, or taking the time to brush my teeth every day, or being able to walk out the door, or being able to buy the groceries in a non "self-checkout" lane because of social anxiety. I recognized that what was really dragging me down is that I was trying to fix all the little things at once. Now that I'm getting better, I'm realizing that I really only started to change these three things, and everything else just sort of falls into place. Good to note for anyone going through something similar, I think.
I type too much when I'm explaining this stuff. Oh well.
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We seem to have a lot in common! I already do meditation when I can. Prayer also helps (I'm a Christian so we don't have 100% the same beliefs, but much of what you say about spirituality resonates with me)
Cannabis + music is also a deep meditative experience for me too. (Please noone bring up my Christianity as if it conflicts with this... I don't believe it's wrong, especially not the way I use it)
Incidentally, one of the reasons I play Starcraft is because it's another form of meditation. It commands the focus away from my troubles for a solid 10 minutes at a time.
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^Err, no. Music and SC can be meditative, for me at least. I also enjoy watching movies and playing RPGs, that's not meditation... but the post wasn't about everything that I like to do, was it?
I also actually meditate.
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On June 05 2010 16:52 snotboogie wrote:
We seem to have a lot in common! I already do meditation when I can. Prayer also helps (I'm a Christian so we don't have 100% the same beliefs, but much of what you say about spirituality resonates with me)
Cannabis + music is also a deep meditative experience for me too. (Please noone bring up my Christianity as if it conflicts with this... I don't believe it's wrong, especially not the way I use it)
Incidentally, one of the reasons I play Starcraft is because it's another form of meditation. It commands the focus away from my troubles for a solid 10 minutes at a time.
I could see starcraft being a kind of meditation, but it also stresses me out because I hardly ever win. So for me, it's not as meditative as it probably is for someone like Bisu or Fantasy, let's say.
Cannabis + music I've only ever really experienced this alone a handful of times. Usually when I experienced this I did it with people who I thought were my friends. Since then I've been off the drugs but I kinda want to smoke a little bit before I quit altogether just so that I can be alone and at peace when I do it, and not feeling bad when someone gives me a look like "stop grinning and laughing you fucking weirdo" sometimes.
I'm not gonna say anything about Christianity, but there are some things I've read that have steered me away from literal Christianity. The basic idea of religion is that it's good to be a moral person. I don't think it's necessary to believe in Jesus to be happy (or be granted a good afterlife), though.
Also if they legalize it I'll probably smoke regularly, but only occasionally, maybe a few times a month, as opposed to several times a day.
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hm..........try and getting a job and doing good things for others to make yourself feel better~
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On June 05 2010 17:15 hp.Shell wrote:
Also if they legalize it I'll probably smoke regularly, but only occasionally, maybe a few times a month, as opposed to several times a day.
Yeah man I only do it about once a month as it is.
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You can list quotes and read books forever, but it won't change much. There are so many people that will reply with advice from some book or TV show, because they've been severed from reality but they just don't know it. Getting in touch with other people is the best thing you can do. I'm not talking about your old friends or reconnecting with some bad people - I'm talking about healthy people that can think beyond what the news tell them to. This way you can shape an identity within a group, instead of creating one from thin air that can be wavered by a gust of wind. Maybe you need to change your attitude towards other people.
There a million books on the subject and a million people ready to give their opinion, and no one can explain what your situation specifically means unless they take the time to get to know you. Be wary of internet advice.
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On June 05 2010 18:12 Emon_ wrote:
You can list quotes and read books forever, but it won't change much. There are so many people that will reply with advice from some book or TV show, because they've been severed from reality but they just don't know it. Getting in touch with other people is the best thing you can do. I'm not talking about your old friends or reconnecting with some bad people - I'm talking about healthy people that can think beyond what the news tell them to. This way you can shape an identity within a group, instead of creating one from thin air that can be wavered by a gust of wind.
There a million books on the subject and a million people ready to give their opinion, and no one can explain what your situation specifically means unless they take the time to get to know you. Be wary of internet advice.
In total agreement here.
About the OP, Good Luck man, you've come to terms with many things in your life you don't like and have made choices to be YOU!
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i think you're reaction to this whole gay thing makes you appear to me as extremely homophobic. tell your friends gf to strip for you and "then we'll see who's gay"..... are you out of your fucking mind? there is nothing wrong with being gay. a homophobe is way more of a faggot than an out and open queer.
and your weed sure isn't helping you very much. i suggest a new supplier.
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Yeah, you lost your friends because they called you gay/thought you were gay?
Where they close friends? Good friends?
I mean what a dickmove to move out of the appartment lol :p
get some perspective man...
Why didn't you tell them you're shy or something?
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Shell, I'm sure you will find things to light up soon. Often it's just about finding the right context; finding people you like to be with, things you like to do. From there on, things will be much easier, regardless or existential beliefs or whether or not you have sex - things you seem to wrongly blaim for your current feelings. It would seem that your group of friends are quite immature if your are around 21 as well. Yet, you live in America, where this kind of attitude seems prevalent, so they probably soaked up the attitude from the environment. Doesn't really matter though. Sex is just a physical expression and has no importance otherwise. It's not something you need or cannot do without. Take this from a 26-year-old virgin 
I find that people, while realizing that Christianity would be too silly to believe it, often try to make it easier for themselves by embracing some kind of abstract belief. More and more people seem to adhere to agnosticism today. While it's good to have a template for understanding life, I don't think you should put too much emphasis. At the end of the day, you just have to accept that you don't really know. Drugs will not show you anything that not there, they will just influence your thought patterns; open your mind, you might say. It's good that you have been able to let go of the belief-set that was forced upon you as a child, and I think you now simply need to diminish the importance of having such belief-set instead of simply trying to replace it with another one. It will come to you eventually if you just keep reflecting on life.
Anyway, best of thoughts from here. I certainly don't think of you as a "loser on the internet", and just hope that you will be able to sort things out. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, anyway
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wow, a lot of things seemed to have happened here to a certain people, can only wish you luck with everything and point out that it's always darkest before dawn, and yupp that saying is true (talking from experience)
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Sounds like you need to get laid ASAP.
Seriously, it's not that hard. $40 for some clubbing clothes and $5 for a roofie tablet = GG 1-0 NO RE.
JK , congrats on quitting smoking it's hard as fuck when the cravings kick in.
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It sounds like I'm you but in another lifeform.
I'm in it right now. My mind is making hands weight feel increased making typing more difficult.
My subconscious is driven by fear.
My life is lability.
My mind is analyze.
I can't.
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On June 05 2010 17:15 hp.Shell wrote:Show nested quote +On June 05 2010 16:52 snotboogie wrote:
We seem to have a lot in common! I already do meditation when I can. Prayer also helps (I'm a Christian so we don't have 100% the same beliefs, but much of what you say about spirituality resonates with me)
Cannabis + music is also a deep meditative experience for me too. (Please noone bring up my Christianity as if it conflicts with this... I don't believe it's wrong, especially not the way I use it)
Incidentally, one of the reasons I play Starcraft is because it's another form of meditation. It commands the focus away from my troubles for a solid 10 minutes at a time. I could see starcraft being a kind of meditation, but it also stresses me out because I hardly ever win. So for me, it's not as meditative as it probably is for someone like Bisu or Fantasy, let's say. Cannabis + music I've only ever really experienced this alone a handful of times. Usually when I experienced this I did it with people who I thought were my friends. Since then I've been off the drugs but I kinda want to smoke a little bit before I quit altogether just so that I can be alone and at peace when I do it, and not feeling bad when someone gives me a look like "stop grinning and laughing you fucking weirdo" sometimes. I'm not gonna say anything about Christianity, but there are some things I've read that have steered me away from literal Christianity. The basic idea of religion is that it's good to be a moral person. I don't think it's necessary to believe in Jesus to be happy (or be granted a good afterlife), though. Also if they legalize it I'll probably smoke regularly, but only occasionally, maybe a few times a month, as opposed to several times a day.
Oh kay, this thread is looking like a scene straight out of INFP globalchatter (before the server got mysteriously wiped).
Well I've never done drugs (at the risk of getting easily death sentenced) and whatnot but still being a nerd-without-girlexperience I'll say I feel what OP is going thru. Just to further the comment, SC, Music and other mind-stimulating things tend to take precedence over hormones for us nerdgeeks (although put some hot girl in the room and you'll be hard put (no pun) to admit that).
That being said, imho drugs are pretty dangerous physically and socially and if you have a choice i.e. no one is blackmailing u into drug abuse/peddling imho its not worth getting involved in that. But i guess you already knew =p (bad grammar here)
Religion wise its also easy to realise how it has been abused for various personal and political motives (there's been a publicised chain of local religious charities misusing funds, not that it was unheard of, just that its becoming more popular nowadays to broadcast and discuss such topics). Religion and spirituality seems to become a form of oppression from our more openly "religious" peers and co-humans, however there will always be those who impose on others and others who feel that finding individual spirituality is more meaningful, so i guess gotta put up with both types ye
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On June 06 2010 01:16 JFKWT wrote:
Well I've never done drugs (at the risk of getting easily death sentenced) and whatnot but still being a nerd-without-girlexperience I'll say I feel what OP is going thru. Just to further the comment, SC, Music and other mind-stimulating things tend to take precedence over hormones for us nerdgeeks (although put some hot girl in the room and you'll be hard put (no pun) to admit that).
You need to become the typical cool Asian then.
We get to have all the mind stimulating hobbies that you nerds enjoy, plus the hot girls that you speak of.
I guess you're not in university yet, because you'll be surprised at just how desperate girls are too eventually.
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EPT
